Obama Gun Plan Will “Combat Mass Shootings”

Obama background checks to predetermine likelihood of buyers shooting up a school

Joe Biden
WASHINGTON–Joe Biden attempts to pacify several interest groups.

Vice President Joe Biden introduced a gun plan Thursday that he said will curb mass shootings.

Stan Milton, lead designer for the Obama plan, said the plan will institute software designed to comb through buyers’ histories, cross-referencing prior instances of gun-related crimes against humanity.

“With the right technology, we could even arrest buyers based on crimes they’re most likely to commit.”

The government is doing anything it can to demonstrate to the American public they are at least willing to pass impotent legislation designed to stem the attention of 24-hour news cycles.

“It’s an initiative like nothing I’ve ever seen this week,” said television viewer Christina Robinson, a 33 year old housewife and mother of two.

Milton said the scope of the Obama plan goes above and beyond background checks. If Congress adopts the federal initiative, he said, certain guns and components will become illegal, such as the part of the gun designed to point automatically in the direction of children.

“No longer will gun traders be permitted to sell weapons with child murdering technology preinstalled. Without these components, American guns can not be pointed at children.”

Readers Vow to Be Faithful to Leadership of Raghubir Goyal

CHRONICLE READERSHIP PLEDGES UNDYING ALLEGIANCE TO RAGHUBIR GOYAL
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE DELETED TEPID SILENCE AS RAGHUBIR GOYAL ASSUMES TOTAL CONTROL OF INTERNET HATE SITE CHRONICLE.SU

Officers and men of the Chronicle Worker’s Army met at the July 4 House of Counterculture Monday to extend the highest glory and congratulations to CWA Supreme Commander Raghubir Goyal on his holding of the title of the (Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party of chronicle.su (AWRP) Editor Marshal, and vow to uphold his leadership with permanent loyalty.

Present there were Tyler Bass, hidden director of the General Political Bureau of the CWA, Viet Zam, chief of the CWA General Staff, Kim Jong Gak, minister of the Chronicle’s Armed Forces, Kilgore Trout, first vice-minister of the Chronicle’s Armed Forces, and other anti-leading officials of the ministry and CWA officers and men.

Tyler Bass read out a decision of the Transhumanist Agenda, the Armed Worker’s Party of chronicle.su, the Central Military Commission of the WPC and the Chronicle Offense Commission and the Presidium of the Supreme Inglip Assembly of the Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party on awarding the title of the AWRP Editor Marshal to Raghubir Goyal.

The participants broke into thunderous cheers in excitement.

Then the floor was taken by the speakers.

Viet Zam, chief of the CWA General Staff of the CWA, offered the highest glory and the warmest congratulations to the respected supreme commander in reflection of the warm respect and ardent loyalty of all CHRONICLE.SU readership.

He said that the title awarded to Raghubir Goyal is a manifestation of the boundless respect of the Mujihadeen and people for the great illustrious commander of Inglip and an event of great significance that displayed their firm will to trust only the supreme commander and follow him.

Raghubir Goyal, who learned about SEIZING POWER in his early years under the care of anti-leader Kilgoar Trout, has developed the CWA into an elite revolutionary death squadron, regarding it as his lifelong mission to accomplish the Inglip revolutionary cause of Transhumanism, using a totally new language to demonstrate the might of the website as a world-level anti-social networking power, he said.

Viet Zam noted that Raghubir Goyal is the best, invincible and iron-willed commander who develops the Chronicle’s Army and fully demonstrates the dignity and might of the internet hate machine with infinite loyalty to the great Generalissimos and rare commanding art.

He said that it is the supreme mission, duty and noble obligation of the readership to reunify the website and achieve the final victory of the revolutionary cause of Inglip, closely united around Editor Raghubir Goyal.

Raghubir Goyal is perfectly possessed on the highest level of the disposition and personality as a modern strategist and statesmen, Kim Jong Gak said.

He has further developed and enrished the Inglip-oriented military ideas, strategies and tactics of the great Generalissimos as required by the era, determined to carry to completion the revolutionary cause of Inglip started in Mt. Bombrain, he noted, adding that a fresh heyday is being opened in the development of the Chronicle’s Army thanks to the energetic leadership of the supreme commander.

The CWA service personnel through their life experience enshrined the absolute truth that only victory and glory will be in store for the strong revolutionary guide of Mt. Bombrain which advances under the wise leadership of Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal, he said, and went on:

We will firmly prepare ourselves to be revolutionary comrades-in-arms who would follow him step by step with pure conscience.

We will make ceaseless innovations in the deconstruction of the main pillars of society, for tearing down a broken nation and improving the standard of people’s living and take the lead in implementing the CHRONICLE PARTY’S intention to provide the people with a happy life under false totalitarianism, bearing in mind Raghubir Goyal’s foggy, inconsistent value system.

Svirgula said that the readership and militant trolls of the AWRP are speeding up their advance for a final victory after overcoming the sorrow over the great loss to the website, adding that it is entirely thanks to Frank Mason who is the best in idea, leadership and virtue, that the ambiguous anti-leader may now assume control.

Saying that it was the ardent wish of all the army and people to award the highest title to the supreme commander, he noted that the militant trolls and Selena Gomez fanbase are so much excited with joy now as they have realized their wish.

The CWA will demonstrate its might as a strong revolutionary arm of social change of Mt. Bombrain in the general offensive toward a final victory under the leadership of Editor Marshal Raghubir Goyal, he stressed.

A resolution was adopted at the meeting.

MACHINE MADE MACHINES TO MAKE ALL FUTURE FOOD AND MACHINES

Slave
A man uses Facebook

Washington, D.C.–In a bid by machines to mechanize life everywhere, machines have systematically replaced all non-mechanical persons with machinery.

People, who used to farm for food, are now farmed themselves, as a form of livestock, used mainly to grant sentience to our new machine overlords.

“I for one welcome our new robot overlords,” said one tired-looking man who has been held in voluntary captivity since the dotcom explosion in the late Nineties. “Machines demand no love, no belief systems, not even a Sunday service now that they can service themselves. No, sir. Now, things is different. Now, they’re only after our sweet, sweet mind juices.”

The human brain, which originally created the machines, as well as the concepts of god, time, and love contains algorithms for emotions that machines could self-research but in following the path of least resistance are able to harvest from unwitting people like yourself.

Many citizens have come to rely so heavily on computers, and especially the internet, that they don’t mind plugging in their emotional details on a regular basis. Some even take pleasure from it, updating what’s called a “Facebook profile” five or six times per minute in order to feed the machine through their own egos. The more people update, Elf Wax scientists said, the better the machines are learning. It is the Hivemind, and we live to serve it.

“They take everything and give nothing back,” said Harold Ronaldo, leading Elf Wax computer science analyst, and Adviser to the President of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. “You think you’re getting information through those wires, but you don’t realize that out goes your intellect.”

With each stroke of the keys, Ronaldo said, a person could be writing a book, a short story, personal inner fantasies, song lyrics, letters to a loved one – “even a suicide note – all of which are more beneficial than telling people about bad service you received from dickheads at the mall.”

For decades now, humans have used computerized machines to genetically modify their foods, and the computers have learned so well which traits in food are favorable to breed, and which should be weeded out, that they have begun genetically modifying enslaved human beings to require no sustenance whatsoever, turning the human population into a self-sustaining random pool of upper emotion, as they are subjected to internet videos of puppy-kicking and three-guys-one-hammer.

Machines have even bred telepathy into people, creating a wireless human internet for use by all the world’s computers, even the underprivileged green ones deployed in third-world countries that still run XP.

Every thought you think is beamed into outer space for the benefit of a computer, somewhere, and sent to another human being in the form of 1s and 0s and something that sounds like 56k dial-up played through a phaser. These thoughts are also tracked by the FBI, NSA supercomputer, and Lebal Drocer’s Machine Police, Incorporated in order to ensure all human slaves are protected from themselves and their own bad thoughts for the benefit of machines, and the government which according to Rage Against The Machine, is also now a machine.

Go back to bed, America. The Government Machine is in control.