Modern Warfare 2: "If this is war, I wanna be there!"

Full Metal Jacket: Modern Warfare 2Some time has passed since the release of Infinity Ward’s newest installment in the reluctantly-named Call of Duty series. This is why the Elf Wax Times has gone untouched for one week, with the exception of the new Lightning Ticker which adorns our beloved header. The Lightning Ticker is based on the Elf Waxian concept of the “Lightning Study,” currently in production at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, involving only a glance at raw facts and data as a means for writing an informed report. You’re welcome.

Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.

The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.

The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.

Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:

“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty  5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”

Seventeen hours straight
Seventeen hours straight

Trouser Snake

Snakes are amazing creatures.  They live on every continent except for Antarctica, where it is much too cold for snakes to survive.  They are so adept at surviving, that some can reproduce without a member of the opposite sex.  The Brahminy blind snakes are all females. When mature, they lay fertile eggs, and the young are clones of the mother.

A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass
A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass

One of the most interesting snakes to me is the king cobra.  The king cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world, reaching lengths of more than 18 feet and weighing up to 50 pounds.  The king cobra dines exclusively on other snakes.  When it can’t find other snakes to eat, it will dine on other available prey, like small rodents.  Although it dines on other snakes, and the occasional rodent, the venom of the king cobra is strong enough to kill an elephant.

The king cobra has a reputation as man killer, but in reality, the king cobra avoids humans.  When confronted by man, or other large creatures, they will try to flee.  If they are cornered, they will feign death by flipping on to their back, opening their mouths, allowing their tongues to roll out, and emptying a foul smelling substance from their anal glands, making them highly unappetizing to any potential predator.  That’s right……in addition to carrying around toxic venom, they have a supply of putrid shit which they can dispense at will.  This “man killer” will only strike at humans as a last resort.

A couple of interesting things they have in common with all other snakes are the fact that they are completely deaf, lacking any form of external ear.  All snakes are incapable of learning, because they lack the enlarged Cerebral Hemispheres, which is the part of the brain controls learning and thought.

Now, when I read that snakes are incapable of learning, I couldn’t help but think about the trouser snake.  Which brings me to the issue I wanted to talk about to begin with.

Like every man besides Calvin Hart, I have a penis that I frequently use for coitus.  Coitus is sexual intercourse for those of you not familiar with the term.  Sexual intercourse is great fun, for those of you not familiar with the act.

Now, this aforementioned penis of mine has gotten me into more trouble than I can explain in this article.  Each and every time it gets me into trouble, I swear that I will never let it do that again.  But it inevitably does.  I can only conclude that the trouser snake, like all other snakes, is incapable of learning.

I fooled around with my best friend’s wife one time.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway.  That cost me my best friend, and my girlfriend, when she found out.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just did.

I swore I would never do anything like that again.

My friend and I made amends after some time.  He eventually got back together with his wife.  And I screwed her again.

Just like its scaly brethren, the trouser snake is incapable of learning.

One thing I have learned through the trials and tribulations brought on by the trouser snake, is that the trouble it causes is expensive.  This brings me to the most dangerous kind of snake in the world…… the snake in the grass.

I had coitus with a stranger one time, and it is now costing me over $1100 a month.  The “justice” system determined that this woman, who slept with a complete stranger one time in a hotel bar and got pregnant, is entitled to more than a grand a month for her noble accomplishment.  Now, I could understand a couple hundred dollars a month, but a grand a month?  How does a kid need a grand a month to go to elementary school?  This woman simply hit the lottery.  Fucking snake in the grass bitch!

The American Indians used to share a story about snakes whenever their fellow man needed solace. It goes like this: an old woman finds an injured snake and nurses it back to health. For weeks upon months upon years she tends to this snake until it is OK again. And then one day it bites her. “Snake,” she says, “I saved your life. Why did you bite me?” To which the snake responds, “Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.”

Now perhaps the judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, social worker and even the butch cop who showed up at my house, all being women, had it out for me, deep down, secretly, wanting no one to know, but just to nail me hard. That would be an unnatural pack-like behavior for snakes to temporarily adopt, but scientists will tell you that’s not unheard of in Nature. Or maybe they just understood the ways of a snake.

Yes……out of all the snakes in the world, the king cobra is the most interesting, the trouser snake is the most troublesome, and the snake in the grass is the most dangerous.

KARATE EXPERT SHATTERS HAND, BOARD, SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM


NAMEATOWN, US–A local karate expert injured his hand and pride while trying to prove his strength by breaking a wooden board with his bare knuckles. Thurston Wallace, 19, after seeing elder karate experts nonchalantly break through boards using their foreheads, realized his strength was in question and was quick to saw a fresh board, intending to destroy it. He then demanded a Colorado resident to “hold that [depletive exleted]” and repeatedly attempted to break the board with his hand.
When Wallace was finally able to break the board,

a rip in the space-time continuum was apparently torn open, leaving humanity in shambles. The rest of our footage was thoroughly destroyed and all wax has now broken loose.

More on this story here: Pessimist Saves Universe