hello africans. welcome to www.chronicle.su, where the news is always right.

Africa– Fans mourn the loss of Senegalese pop star Akon, who died of AIDS, which ravages their shitty continent. They can’t deal with it. . . .

michael jackson returns from the dead.

CHRONICLE.SU– Hateful throngs of wet young jailbait hoist their nubile bodies onto jagged rocky exterior of CHRONICLE HQ where the law abides YOU! . . .

It'll never end! "Unless you stop it."

To be born of love, there sure is a lot of talk about hate. “Brother you have to wait.” . . .

Heroin solves life's problems

Got life? Try heroin! . . .

I'd like to sext you up

There are little girls who trail behind mommy or daddy through Anytown, USA, staring down into their twiddling hands at what is without fail – and without question – a cell phone. . . .

Internet Spammers Now Legitimate

Internet spammers seem to be on the decline, but Elf Wax turns a paranoid eye towards recent suspicious business endeavors. They’re after your money and it should be ours, dammit. . . .

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012. The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the . . .

Media-induced Hypochondria Pandemic Sweeps the Nation

In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange . . .

This just in

Armed cattlemen gather to wrangle up sheep-like capital resource.

Our generation is doomed to the cooperation of all distributors of every major known resource in a valiant effort to turn a buck on the entire human race at each opportunity, degenerating us with PR incentives into an unquestioning, unthinking, digitally satisfied, technologically gratified, self-tending . . .