MILEY CYRUS TURNS 18, n00ds coming soon

Miley Cyrus in her braNashville, Tenn.–At 7:49 this morning, one dick eagerly stabbed into a now-legal Miley Cyrus.

With the stink of sex freshly on her clothes, Miley Cyrus told reporters outside her father’s home she is “Ready for adulthood. Really, very ready.”

Asked who took the first legal plunge into her bellows, Miley blushed, and said, “Well, all I can really say for sure is he likes it when I call him ‘Daddy‘.”

Her full spread Playboy, Penthouse and Hustler photo shoots are slated for next month, leading up to a Christmas release that will hopefully stimulate the economy, and our sexual appetites.

Miley Cyrus, a relatively normal-looking child turned on a nation of unbeknown pedophiles and daughter-pimps, breaking new grounds for the Walt Disney corporation and 4chan.

Attorneys are lining up to do blow off of her stomach, and even Walt Disney himself rose up from the grave to “get a piece.”

He said in a statement even though Miley Cyrus has reached adulthood, the distance between his age and hers is still relatively disturbing, adding, “The fact I am so much older is what makes it that much hotter to me.”

News for Miley Cyrus
She's free to buy a pack of smokes and a lottery ticket ... and fuck.

Miley Cyrus, named “2008 most-Googled nipslip of all time” by The Elf Wax Times, has completely dropped out of all recent Google Trends reporting and is expected to be forgotten completely by the year 2014.

What Salvia Is Like

The Elf Wax Times went to great lengths to teach you kids a lesson. And here it is.

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Many thanks go out to Calvin Hart for sending in this video, even after everything we did to him.

Trouser Snake

Snakes are amazing creatures.  They live on every continent except for Antarctica, where it is much too cold for snakes to survive.  They are so adept at surviving, that some can reproduce without a member of the opposite sex.  The Brahminy blind snakes are all females. When mature, they lay fertile eggs, and the young are clones of the mother.

A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass
A snake sneaks stealthily through the grass

One of the most interesting snakes to me is the king cobra.  The king cobra is the largest venomous snake in the world, reaching lengths of more than 18 feet and weighing up to 50 pounds.  The king cobra dines exclusively on other snakes.  When it can’t find other snakes to eat, it will dine on other available prey, like small rodents.  Although it dines on other snakes, and the occasional rodent, the venom of the king cobra is strong enough to kill an elephant.

The king cobra has a reputation as man killer, but in reality, the king cobra avoids humans.  When confronted by man, or other large creatures, they will try to flee.  If they are cornered, they will feign death by flipping on to their back, opening their mouths, allowing their tongues to roll out, and emptying a foul smelling substance from their anal glands, making them highly unappetizing to any potential predator.  That’s right……in addition to carrying around toxic venom, they have a supply of putrid shit which they can dispense at will.  This “man killer” will only strike at humans as a last resort.

A couple of interesting things they have in common with all other snakes are the fact that they are completely deaf, lacking any form of external ear.  All snakes are incapable of learning, because they lack the enlarged Cerebral Hemispheres, which is the part of the brain controls learning and thought.

Now, when I read that snakes are incapable of learning, I couldn’t help but think about the trouser snake.  Which brings me to the issue I wanted to talk about to begin with.

Like every man besides Calvin Hart, I have a penis that I frequently use for coitus.  Coitus is sexual intercourse for those of you not familiar with the term.  Sexual intercourse is great fun, for those of you not familiar with the act.

Now, this aforementioned penis of mine has gotten me into more trouble than I can explain in this article.  Each and every time it gets me into trouble, I swear that I will never let it do that again.  But it inevitably does.  I can only conclude that the trouser snake, like all other snakes, is incapable of learning.

I fooled around with my best friend’s wife one time.  I shouldn’t have done that.  I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway.  That cost me my best friend, and my girlfriend, when she found out.  I don’t know why I did it.  I just did.

I swore I would never do anything like that again.

My friend and I made amends after some time.  He eventually got back together with his wife.  And I screwed her again.

Just like its scaly brethren, the trouser snake is incapable of learning.

One thing I have learned through the trials and tribulations brought on by the trouser snake, is that the trouble it causes is expensive.  This brings me to the most dangerous kind of snake in the world…… the snake in the grass.

I had coitus with a stranger one time, and it is now costing me over $1100 a month.  The “justice” system determined that this woman, who slept with a complete stranger one time in a hotel bar and got pregnant, is entitled to more than a grand a month for her noble accomplishment.  Now, I could understand a couple hundred dollars a month, but a grand a month?  How does a kid need a grand a month to go to elementary school?  This woman simply hit the lottery.  Fucking snake in the grass bitch!

The American Indians used to share a story about snakes whenever their fellow man needed solace. It goes like this: an old woman finds an injured snake and nurses it back to health. For weeks upon months upon years she tends to this snake until it is OK again. And then one day it bites her. “Snake,” she says, “I saved your life. Why did you bite me?” To which the snake responds, “Look bitch, you knew I was a snake.”

Now perhaps the judge, jury, prosecuting attorney, social worker and even the butch cop who showed up at my house, all being women, had it out for me, deep down, secretly, wanting no one to know, but just to nail me hard. That would be an unnatural pack-like behavior for snakes to temporarily adopt, but scientists will tell you that’s not unheard of in Nature. Or maybe they just understood the ways of a snake.

Yes……out of all the snakes in the world, the king cobra is the most interesting, the trouser snake is the most troublesome, and the snake in the grass is the most dangerous.