Selena Gomez dead at 19

Fans mourn the loss of Disney’s top-earning teen star Selena Gomez, who died Friday in a drunk driving accident near Santa Monica Boulevard. . . .

Stalking Brenda Song

The best part about writing this article about Brenda Song was watching her on TV while I did it. . . .

MILEY CYRUS TURNS 18, n00ds coming soon

Miley Cyrus turns 18 today, breaking purity vows made to the Status Quo. Will she turn into Brittany Spears, or some other celebrity slut? You decide. . . .

miley-cyrus-lapdance-video

Like your uncircumcised, shriveled up little excuse for a winky, The Chronicle.SU has risen to the call of the next, and possibly last, Miley Cyrus article. . . .

Neighborhood Puzzled By Shoe-Wearing Power Line

Witnesses have stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide. . . .

Your daughter's a whore, and not even the good kind

A brutal assessment of today’s American Dad, using excessive vulgarity and disturbing, offensive honesty. . . .

Peter Pan Dies of Drug Overdose

Peter Pan has died from either an accidental drug overdose or possibly a death ray fired by the CIA from a satellite. . . .

MILEY CYRUS – TRIBULATION

“When Miley Cyrus broke the sound barrier, we thought we’d seen everything. However, after punching through the Earth’s exosphere, the Disney Star approached escape velocity at 7 miles per second, then exploded brilliantly into a stream of atoms.“

-Eyewitness report

Miley Cyrus, moments before reaching critical mass over the . . .

China pirates self

In an astonishing blow to the country’s economy, China has managed to duplicate itself in the Communist state’s most recent piracy spree.

China(2), as experts are now calling it, will be placed on the country’s Desktop until room can be made in the State External Hard Drive (Taiwan). However, . . .