Christian Stork: The Megalomania of Aaron Swartz Prosecutor Carmen Ortiz

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Massachusetts District U.S. Attorney Carmen Ortiz (Courtesy: Wikipedia)

WASHINGTON — In a not-so-stirring defense of academic conglomerate JSTOR, U.S. Attorney Carmen Ortiz said of Aaron Swartz‘s offenses, “Stealing is stealing whether you use a computer command or a crowbar, and whether you take documents, data . . .

Solicitor General: Gut Individual Mandate to Further Cannabis Legalization

Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal, who this week outlined the administration’s shift from state-based health care exchanges to “chilling out”

WASHINGTON — Friday morning Acting Attorney General Neal Katyal announced that the Obama administration would be backpedaling from its take on the commerce clause to forward the “holy, righteous cause” of recreational cannabis . . .

Tears of a Clown: ICP’s Concept Album Vindication of Barrett Brown

DETROIT, MICH. — In solidarity with Anonymous leader and fellow evangelical Christian Barrett Brown, arrested Thursday after publicly protesting his persecution at the hands of the minor children of an FBI agent, hip-hop all-stars Insane Clown Posse have already strung together a tribute album to Mr. Brown, of which The Internet Chronicle has obtained an . . .

ROMNEY USES COCAINE; American People to Romney Campaign: Go For The Nostrils!

DENVER, COLO. — Americans were excited today about reports deep within the bowels of the Romney campaign that the former Massachusetts governor is ready to go after President Obama’s use of marawana and cocaine as a teenager.

“I mean, this is a guy who admitted to cocaine use,” says a Romney adviser to Buzzfeed, “had . . .

Hunter S Thompson: Still Alive!

Tired of writing, Hunter S. Thompson apparently faked his own death. . . .

New Video Game Subverts Morality

Parents beware. Your children are doing drugs inside their video games. The Soviet Chronicle goes nose deep into the world of cocaine video gaming and overdoses on the shit. . . .

System Administrator Disappears Under Duress, Drug Psychosis

Twisted combinations of acid and 24-hour news have turned one local man’s life into a waking nightmare. . . .

To The Elf Wax Loyalist Party

We no longer love you, but that does not mean we stopped loving ourselves. You just weren’t ready. . . .

What Salvia Is Like

At first, Calvin’s lips melted and dripped off his face. Repetitious, nonsensical anti-reality set in for what felt like eternity but ended rather quickly, and then – he turned on himself. . . .

Neighborhood Puzzled By Shoe-Wearing Power Line

Witnesses have stated that the power line seems to be a size 11 wide. . . .