New Donald Trump Book ‘Grabbing Pussies’ Hits Store Shelves Monday

NEW YORK — “Readers won’t know what hit ’em,” Donald Trump told The Internet Chronicle on Saturday. “It’ll blindside ’em. This book is gonna hit you so hard, reading it will literally make you retarded.”

Trump said he reached out to chronicle.su to discuss the latest in what appears to be the largest public relations . . .

2016 Election: Voters still overwhelmed by abundance of choices

Don’t let their looks fool you, these new voters will someday mature into scared, old people.

ROANOKE, Va. — In a piece rejected by VICE, The Internet Chronicle staked out a nearby voter registration office and harangued new voters with invasive personal questions. In their unlikely, but convenient responses, these new voters expressed an . . .

Humanity Party cult leader Chris Nemelka to introduce Donald Trump at Roanoke rally, promises ‘big truth’

ROANOKE, Va. — Trump aides confirmed Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, a neoconservative religious cult leader who plies his congregation with opioids, is scheduled to introduce the 2016 Republican presidential nominee at a rally in the quiet mountain village of Roanoke, Virginia.

Humanity Party leader Chris Nemelka, seen here comparing himself to . . .

Hillary Rodham Clinton dead at 70

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su

Tim Kaine assumes Democratic Party leadership

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich.–Citizens mourn the loss of former US Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, who surrendered to a mysterious illness Thursday, September 22, while chilling in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she was scheduled to give a speech about being a woman.

Details are as yet unclear regarding . . .

Bernie Sanders refuses to stand for Pledge of Allegiance, in a protest backed entirely by dank memes

bernie promises new economic standard. “memebacks” to replace worthless currency “the dollar.”

After Bernie refused to stand for the pledge at Sunday’s 9/11 rally, the best pepes, the rarest pepe of them all have pledged allegiance to Bernie, and said “fuck the troops, specifically.”

meme backs take the stage as potential new world . . .

Donald Trump insults “lemming” firefighters who died on 9/11

Trump insulted firefighters who rushed to their deaths on 9/11

INTERNET — Sunday, on the fifteenth anniversary of 9/11, Donald Trump insulted firefighters by telling followers that the heroes who died on that day “rushed into the doomed buildings like lemmings.”

Firefighter and police unions have already issued mixed responses, ranging from rage and . . .

It’s 2016, and suddenly everyone’s opinions matter. We heard yours!

Clinton says she wants to help women take control of their bodies by taking control of their bodies. #ItsHerTurn | chronicle.su

RICHMOND, Va. — We went to Virginia Commonwealth University, and hung out on the quad, and near a daycare center – where the young people are – to let their voices be heard.

Let’s hear what kids think about the 2016 election:

Harris: “I can’t wait until we go back to the cold reality of, . . .

Putin officially endorses Trump, promises “big hacks”

Russian President Vladimir Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump

MOSCOW — Russian President Putin officially endorsed Donald Trump Thursday, following Trump’s call for Russian intelligence agencies to penetrate Hillary Clinton’s classified e-mails. This marks the first time the Russian state has made any official statement on an election in the US.

Putin told the press, . . .

US Presidents under increasing threat of rap battle. Sources report: ‘These mixtapes are fire’

Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.

Washington, D.C. — King Obama stands up from a throne of human bones and walks onto the balcony overlooking Pennsylvania Avenue.

‘Today is the day,’ he thinks. ‘Today it is finally going to happen.’

Having entered his third stage of molting, Obama sheds . . .

Donald Trump announces his son Eric Trump will run as VP

Donald Trump announced his son Eric would be running as his Vice Presidential candidate

INTERNET — In a startling and unexpected coup this morning, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump “fired” his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, replacing him with his children. By the early afternoon, Trump announced on Twitter that he was naming his son, . . .