Panama Monster is missing link

PANAMA- A disgusting abomination of nature rose from the murky depths today, frightening children by begging them for a “precious” golden ring.  Of course, the children knew not to trust this hideous monster and summarily stoned it to death, as per the teachings of The Elf Wax Times resident cryptozoologist Manny Hansfield.

This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.
This disgusting Panama Creature resembles the Montauk Monster and Gollum but is obviously neither.

This photograph was taken shortly after the creature died, but before it mysteriously disappeared. Our Evolutionary Analysts have made integral discoveries regarding the nature of this animal by thorough dissection of this photograph.

The Loch Ness Monster and similair creatures have long been known by science to be serpentine aquatic Mammals, driven to their specific body shape through convergent evolution with horrible sea serpents that share the same niche in the oceans.

Bigfoot, a land dwelling biped, appears to share a common ancestor with both the creature of Loch Ness and the monster from Panama.

“Three million years ago we expect that a strange semi-aquatic biped roamed the ice-bridge between Europe and America, avoiding pre-Eskimos as much as possible due to their horrendous smell.  Some of this creature’s descendants became Arctic Seals; some migrated onto land, and some remained in the lochs of Scotland and the Great Lakes of America.  This Panama creature represents a relic population similar to the line which migrated onto the to land and became what we now know as Bigfoot.”

panama2
The sentence for all monsters is death at the hands of children.

Collective relief among cryptozoologists at this new understanding of Earth’s ecosystem has allowed many to begin work on more pragmatic pursuits.  Rather then spending months in the wild on the hunt for Bigfoot, some biologists have taken to fabricating their own hoax mammal photographs which, in spite of their blatant non-existence, have already been sold to the major news networks. Other biologists have been putting in “real time” towards genetically engineering bacteria that will use nuclear fission as a source of energy, giving it comic book-style attributes.  For example, a specific breed of these cells will be able to infect any living body, re-animate it, and send it on a berserk rampage in furious pursuit of more hosts.

“In the real world, ‘mad scientists’ pursue Bigfoot and Nessie.  Now they don’t have that pursuit and are either in complete denial of this fact or have ‘cracked’ and are attempting to use their sparse knowledge of biochemistry to destroy humanity. In all likelihood they will fail miserably, but in light of recent success we should take their endeavors quite seriously.” -Manny Hansfield, cryptozoologist and inventor of the fissilium zomfectus bacteria strain.

Intelligent Design to End Life on Earth

All carbon based life is set to be destroyed within the next year.  A new biological system has been designed by top scientists which is at least a million times more efficient than anything currently designed through natural selection. Some Scientists have dubbed this new line of evolution Life 2.0.

A new type of cell similar to bacteria will be the earliest ancestor of every life form on Earth, causing the final demise of all carbon based life.  Within only a few thousand years the first bacterium will have already evolved into a set of organisms creating an ecosystem equally as diverse and thriving as today’s crippled ecosystem.

By integrating organic nano-computers into an all new digital silicon cell design, evolution for the new bacterium has already been mapped out carefully by top scientists at MIT. DNA and random copying of life has been holding progress back for billions of years, but it will for no longer. Scientists claim that human suffering will be limited, but skeptics exist within the project.

The worst case scenario, according to Professor Frank Shawlsberg is that “[The artificial bacterium] will seek out water and then invade our body and kill us in a matter of minutes. Our corpses may then possibly be animated in an attempt to find new hosts.” He also made it very clear that there would be no holding out from the zombies anywhere, and that the entire world must succumb at some point.

Of course, other scientists stress that this “possible zombie situation” would be the first step in our evolution towards the a utopia where humans are all three feet tall and have brains selected to be larger and larger as time goes on.

Conspiracy theorists have already decided that these heavily engineered brains may cause intense schizophrenia in over 90% of Life 2.0’s future population. This population, delusional and seeking sanity would create time-hopping saucers and figure out the wonders of our more functional natural design. Failing at this, they have apparently resorted to molestation of rednecks and possibly their livestock.