Menlo Park, California – After months of fucking with the Fake News Feed, Facebook earning reports state sitewide use has fallen by more than 50 million hours every day. Since they started dicking with the fake news feed Facebookers rely on for their daily news, they have turned to other sources for their fake news needs.
Mark Zuckerberg said he was “fuckin with it to make it more friendly and easier to spread Real News, like my 2020 presidential self-installment process that – and I reiterate – has not yet begun.”
2017’s fourth quarterly earnings showed a dramatic drop in revenue, supporting theories that claim readers are less likely to change their minds in the face of facts or evidence.
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, Lead Researcher at the Paleocybernetic Institute of Singularity Studies (PISS), said his market research team is helping Facebook spin this data positively for shareholders. He even says he has a clever plan for Facebook to pacify investors by blaming poor profits on public health measures they have not yet put in place.
“In 2018, we’re focused on making sure Fakebook isn’t just fun to use, but also good for profits,” Troubadour said in a statement this afternoon. “We’re doing this by encouraging meaningful connections between people and businesses that sell them shit, rather than the passive consumption of poisonous Internet Chronicle stories … By focusing on meaningful connections, we can more easily trick the community into believing this rotten, sagging load of shit in their pants called Facebook would EVER act in their best interests.”
Are you a dipshit on Facebook? Do YOU believe every headline you read? If you answered yes to either of these questions, that’s because you’re awake, self-deprecating, and you get it. You must be an old soul. You probably agree Facebook would do well to remember Dr. Troubadour’s tips for a healthy social media profile.
Facebook: Follow Dr. Troubadours three-letter principles, and get your facts straight post-haste:
L.ower Carbon Footprint
S.teady diet of grapefruit and TerrorMax
D.on’t fuck with the Facebook news filter
Use L.S.D. to keep the mind limber. This promotes business, starts jobs, and revitalizes the bitcoin!
Dr. T says:
Invest in khaki pants and tiki torches, because the news is about the get REAL
And now back to the Real Fake News
There are rumors the speed of Facebook’s growth is now limited to the sum total of global population growth, now that the data mining corporation has touched every living soul with its aggressive tentacles of datarape.
“Mankind’s data set is virtually saturated,” Troubadour concluded. “If he wants to be President of the Singularity, Mark Cuckerberg needs to quit twiddling his knobs and let the free market run its course.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is. Everything’s fake anyway.” +1 :D +2 Likes
“I already put my baby on Facebook, because they/there ain’t got NOTHING to hide!” +1 Like
THE INTERNET – Geo’s newest Chronicle Career took a turn for the worst Saturday after the 17-year-old PS3 addicted college dropout decided once and for all, again, that his beloved Internet newspaper has gone astray.
“I thought you guys were back on the right track after [redacted]’s article about [redacted], but with every celebrity death hoax you spawn out of boredom, my faith in you is just a little bit more eroded.”
Let me show you how it’s done:
[chronicle.su article by geo himself]
Up and coming stoner critic salutes self righteous indignation
I’m geohotz. Anonymous hacked Sony and later, the government. I think they are onto us, by the way dude, just to let you know. Smoke weed erryday niqqas you kno how I do, keyboard warriors represent 2012.
[EDITOR’S NOTE: this is actual copy written by Geo] when i first stumbled upon this site thanks to the hacking of the playstation network, i thought i had found a group of people with similar ideas and morals who had wisdom beyond mine they could pass on to me.
for awhile, that was true. and then later i was like no.
it dawned on me around the time of the Akon article that I knew far less about these individuals than I had thought. but i still knew they were so much better than me
While i still believe Brutus had somewhat good intentions in this endevoar, I can’t say the same for you Trout, you disgusting motherfucker. Even though Brutus wrote the Akon article. I’m still not sure about him. Hm. Wonder if he’s gay?
And that’s why the chronicle sucks and I’m outta here. And I’m never coming back.
BALTIMOAR – Sunni Khalid, long-time managing editor at WYPR-FM, posted Facebook comments deemed controversial about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. NPR’s reaction to the comments would indicate the author’s remarks were at odds with core values of the radio station.
Mr. Khalid posted this on a friend’s Facebook page:
“I, for one, have had enough of this pandering before the Israeli regime . . . The war-mongering toward Iran has, once again, distracted the world from Israel’s brutal military occupation of the West Bank, East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights.”
Tony Brandon, president of the station, seemed very interested in understanding the outlet with whom he was speaking. Due to Mr. Brandon’s apparent decision to terminate an employee for his political expression, we thought it best to go undercover, and had a reporter pose as an ordinary, concerned citizen. While transparency is ideal, Chronicle editors agreed that Mr. Brandon’s ability to formulate personnel policy might have been jeopardized by specific, powerful political interests, rather than vague ideas outlined on a generic policy page.
What began as a call of a concerned citizen eventually yielded Mr. Brandon’s claimed deference to NPR guidelines, which have seen the termination of Washington-based employees for attending Daily Show host Jon Stewart’s 2010 Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.
Mr. Brandon declined to answer a direct question as to whether criticism of West Bank-dominant Palestinian political party, Fatah, would engender a termination of Mr. Khalid, whose gender a Chronicle reporter was unaware, due to his completely politically correct, gender-blind sensibilities; in addition to utter ignorance of different cultures.
Listen, in real time, as Tony Brandon, President and General Manager of NPR Baltimore dodges a question of ethics:
[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1101261.mp3|titles=Sunni Khalid inquiry to Tony Brandon of NPR by Tyler Bass]
“Damn kids and their questions without answers! When will they learn to consult our policy first!?”
Nope. I just have too many Facebook friends. Delete.
NO YOU ARE NOT AN ASSHOLE FOR DELETING THE BIRTHDAY EMAIL.
IT IS ONLY USEFUL FOR FINDING OUT WHO JUST TURNED 18.
If you really gave a fuck about whose birthday was coming up you would’ve already sent them a card, a phone call, an email a “go fuck yourself.” Something.
The obligatory “Happy birthday!” spam on people’s walls is nothing more than an indication that they check their fucking email.
In fact, you should consider yourself insulted that anyone would have the nerve to write “happy birthday” on your Facebook wall instead of sending a private email, because then they’re just using you to portray themselves as someone who cares.
I was 18 years old when I agreed to meet up with a fat girl I met on the Internet. I think I met her on myspace. Up until that point, I’d never even hung out with fat girls, because I didn’t have many fat friends.
She was from my hometown, just three hours away, and apparently she’d seen my band play live while I was still in high school. Also, she read my website and followed the controversy behind how it went down. So she claimed to know me and, after a few phone calls, was very interested in seeing me.
‘What could it hurt?’ I thought. I said okay. She seemed nice, and her voice was cute. Besides, why be down on someone just because she’s heavy, right?
She arrived in town shortly after I gave her the okay to come out and John – my roommate and best friend at the time – offered to help us out by meeting her at her car and driving us back to the dorm together.
We parked and walked casually down the sidewalk toward the street where she was parked. Then, he spotted her about a second before I did and asked, “That’s her, isn’t it?”
I fought the urge to grimace and forced myself to continue smiling. “Yep, that’s her,” I replied through gnashing teeth.
And on that fateful February evening, as the girl lumbered toward me, wearing flip-flops and a light hoodie, I braced myself for what would turn out to be twelve laborious hours of tolerance. It was then I knew nothing about this night could be romantic.
On the car ride home, she told us how difficult it was to navigate through Richmond, because of all the one-way streets. John and I stared silently forward, but I knew it was important to keep the mood light so I pulled out a pipe, and some marijuana.
“Oh muh Gawd!” the fat girl exclaimed. “I only done this like once before, so don’t y’all laugh at me.”
‘She didn’t sound this southern on the phone,’ I remember thinking. ‘Why is it coming out now?’ And that is how I learned that some people – when put in unfamiliar situations – will revert to a simpler version of themselves, as a sort of defense mechanism.
And it works, because I realized even though she can talk like a regular person when she wants to, she is a bumpkin at heart and no matter what happens, I’d better just go easy on her – as in, no intense debates, no really deep conversations. She’s already in the “big city” and I wouldn’t want to rattle her cages.
We all got stoned and talked about our favorite bands. LSD came up during the conversation, too.
For security reasons, my dormitory required visitors to be signed in, and in order to do that you have to fill out a few lines in their binder and leave your identification at the desk. This gave the security guards plenty of time to look us up and down and make assumptions.
As I handed ID cards over to the security guard, I detected an air of superiority from him. I could feel him judging me. But I was also very stoned – and as John and I had only very recently discovered LSD, I had become overtly aware of every little vibration – or so it would seem. Or maybe I was.
The three of us got up to the dorm and listened to Kyuss, smoked some more weed and discussed our ambitions. Mine include fame; John wants money; the RA wants to know what that smell is; and the girl was so stoned she didn’t know her name.
On that note, I wish I could remember her name so I don’t keep referring to her as ‘the girl.’ It was something like Lynn, and Laura Lynn makes bread, which is food, which fat people love to eat, so from now on I’ll call her ‘Lynn.’
John left to meet our friends – and not wanting to be seen in public with my adoring bumbling behemoth, I offered to stay back at the dorm and just hang out for a while. Quickly shutting down was my naive open-mindedness I had going into the night.
Finally alone, I was afraid her eyes might fall hungrily upon me and I would have to fight off the bear. But I’d clearly suffocated Lynn’s ego with weed, an effect I had not foreseen but was eternally grateful for. Recognizing the benefits of intoxication, I offered her a beer; however, it was not beer that she wanted. Nay. What does the beast require? She squealed out in ecstasy when I offered her a Little Debbie cake from behind the mini-fridge.
“Ooooh eeeee! AHHH! OH my GOD!” Lynn shrieked, tearing into the packaging. I felt almost as sorry for the little snack treat as I did for her.
She gorged herself on junk food and flopped onto my bed, grinding her filthy black feet into the pillow, where I lay my face at night. I watched in disgust as she wallowed around on my bed like a dry manatee. The situation was worrisome but I still found it hard to hate someone willing to go in on a ten-strip of acid with me even though she’d never tried it. For that I figured there must be something to her, some insightful spirit that needs nurturing, as we all do, and at the very least I could be friends with someone like that.
I had a paper due the following morning so I told her I needed to get to work, and she passed out quickly. Over the course of the next three or four hours, I finished her beer, wrote my paper and smoked more dank marijuana.
Then she woke up again, hungrier than a hell-hound and quite vocal about it.
I had no real food, and I was hungry too, so we decided to walk down to the 7-eleven. I knew Lynn’s visit to Richmond was the most walking she’d done up until this point in her teenage life. Her flip-flops made an aggravating “suck-pop!” noise as she followed behind me and we strutted boldly down a frigid, windy Main Street. I felt bad for her. I would’ve offered her my jacket but it was too small to fit her.
And then all at once, within 18 minutes and 45 seconds, my sympathy for this person disappeared rapidly.
We walked in the front door of the convenience store and I headed straight for the back of the line, which is very long the closer you wait until midnight. Suddenly my hairs stood on end as I heard her squealing like an injured beast behind me. “Sweet Jesus,” I said aloud, and turned to look at her.
“Oh my gawd!” she screamed. “These Cheetohs turn your mouth blue!”
I got hot in the face, turning bright red and I tried to pretend like I didn’t know her.
After ravaging the Cheetohs display, Lynn cut ahead of a guy standing in line with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, to stand beside me. He politely said nothing but I could sense his annoyance. We awaited our turn to order Taquitos from the bar and, seeing as how I am a gentlemen and the bitch had already cut in line, I let the lady order first.
She demanded cream cheese Taquitos. He said they weren’t ready, but all the others were. She rose her voice and used my name, saying, “James! Can you believe they don’t have my favorite Taquitos? What kind of fucking 7-eleven is this? Arright, gimme the taco kind.” My asshole tightened, forming diamonds.
“Would you like three Taquitos for $3.33?” the man asked her.
She shook her head irritably. “Oh yeah, I want that. James, tell ‘im what you want sugar. Maybe they got what you like.” She bent over, placing one hand on the counter and the other on her equator, “‘Cause they sure as shit ain’t got what I like.” As if crippled by grief, she stared over her little bags of chemically-enhanced Cheetohs strewn across the counter.
I looked to my right, where at least ten people stood watching and waiting. The man holding PBR was now amused. I looked back at the clerk as I gripped the counter with both hands, afraid that I might lose control at any moment. Suddenly the idea of even ordering Taquitos was embarrassing. ‘What’s in this shit?’ I thought. ‘It’s probably giving me cancer. Diabetes. I am a disgusting human being. What the fuck.’ I mumbled my order to the clerk, swiped my credit card and almost left before he gave me my food.
On the way back, Lynn ignored a homeless person. He asked her for change and she pretended not to hear him.
“Hey wassup man? Your girl can’t talk?” He demanded an answer while approaching me with haste.
“I guess she didn’t hear you,” I said, and gave him a dollar.
“You could’ve said something to that guy,” I prodded.
“Yeah I know, but I never had bums ask me for money,” she explained. “I don’t know how to respond to that.”
“You just say ‘I don’t have it.'” I was nearly in disbelief at this point.
“But I do have money, silly!”
I said nothing.
I suffered through the excruciating pain of signing her in once again, making fat jokes in my head.
‘Will I need to sign her in as more than one guest? Maybe there’s a weight limit since I’m on the top floor.’
While writing her name in the book, I heard her wolf down at least one whole Taquito. By this point, I didn’t even care anymore. I just wanted the night to end.
As I typed away on my paper, Lynn sprawled out on the bed, dirty feet on my pillow once again, eating Cheetohs and yawning her mouth at me. From her open maw slid an indigo-blue tongue, flecked with orange pieces of Cheetoh.
“Blaeegh! Is my tongue blue?” she asked gleefully.
“Yeah, it’s like you ate dye.”
“Nuh-uh!” She ran into the bathroom to see for herself. “It is! Oh m’god, it’s so blue!”
Historical evidence that fat girls like gimmicky Cheetohs
We smoked some more marijuana, had a few beers and I blew her away with some very basic political discussion. I took this opportunity to transition into the social revolution of the 1960s, and then got her talking about acid.
I told her $20 would get her two hits of acid, and I’d just mail it to her after I bought the ten-strip. She said alright and eventually fell asleep.
I kept her money and took all the acid myself.
Apart from the occasional, “Where are my drugs or money?” emails, which came in for a few weeks and then stopped, I never saw or heard from Lynn, ever again.
Emotions aren’t regularly properly expressed. But today it happened in the unlikeliest of places when a young man went on Facebook and told a girl he still likes that he still likes her.
To the outside community, she is essentially unlikable and yet, feels nothing for him. To protect the names of the dastardly, The Chronicle.SU can not even provide a description because the callousness and distatefulness of this particular girl is so distinct, any complaint about her is too revealing and she will run to the internet cops boohooing over her yeasty, smegma-coated vagina. So trust us this time, as you always do, that she’s lame to the point of unmentionable.
Of course, she would disagree, but the absence of her own voice on Facebook indicates nothing of the sort. One of her friends implied that the young man’s feelings were irrelevant, writing in a condescending tone so as to belittle him in the act of expression – a clandestine female maneuver that in many cases renders a man impotent on the spot. But in this case, the young man spoke as Stalin from the Glory Days might have spoken, by counterattacking the very ideology behind her comment’s motivation.
Speaking with poignancy, the young man described his disgust for a system of fear-based behavior patterns and built-in aversions to honesty and direct lines of communication, temporarily disabling the groupthink mentality of Facebook readers in this rippling epicenter of truth. That is to say, he did what he felt like and defended his feelings of love from an attack driven by feelings of fear itself – of oneself. No remorse.
In response, the girl’s friend publicly discussed sex and attacked the young man’s set of core values, flawed as she saw them, but failed to cite examples. Fear-based arguments are generally rooted in the unknown. In this case, she didn’t know what should be important to someone attempting to live a meaningful life and therefore could provide no argument against any other idea, publicly embarrassing herself. Following this, she admitted defeat by copying and pasting a statement from the boy’s response, [as if to kick him while “down”] but her hate-motivated actions would only serve to reinforce its meaning. But why should she care? Why should she try to hurt him by telling him that it shouldn’t hurt? Furthermore, why does actively want to publicly hurt another human being? The eyes of Fear have officially closed for one young man, and the girl you’re reading about here is the afterimage.
All because he said, “This doesn’t matter, because nothing matters, so go on about your judgmental business.”
Meanwhile, the lame girl of his admiration continues to be lame and it drives the young man crazy because seeing through the eyes of love coats the subject in the eye of the beholder with a thin layer of positive potential. This is the pain of loving.
And that a member of our society can publicly contrive his reason for feeling as sex, reprimand and reduce him for feeling emotions over it disgusts the Soviet Chronicle, which is why we, representing the Second Rise of the Soviet Union, are hereby promoting our brand new Anti-Fear Campaign in the Name of Love.
We propose to our readers, and Comrades, that if you feel something like love, then you should follow it, even if at first it is difficult coming to terms with the truth or opens you up to vulnerability. Be adventurous. To live is the reason for survival.
A Facebooker who wished to remain anonymous told the Chronicle.SU to “Think before you act, but think good, loving thoughts. This is the shortest path to a good life, and easily the most rewarding. I’m not talking about that ‘power of positive thinking’ bullshit, but about love producing love, man. It’s 2010. Are you going to be happy or not?”
Okay, there are some things in life you just can’t pass up. I almost clicked the Comment button. Seriously. And what do I have to lose? I should have just done it, but now it’s not funny anymore. Or maybe it was never funny. Or maybe it would just hurt that girl’s feelings because she is not who she used to be and I should not enforce a negative image upon her in front of everyone we’ve ever known personally, and my friends would say, “Come on, man, seriously?” and then I’d feel something called remorse.
That’s because I am a conscious, thinking man with the impulses of a terribly cruel bastard. Meh. What goes around comes around. I’ll get mine one day, but that day hasn’t come yet.
That being said, let’s talk a little shit about Facebook:
A lot’s changed since the last time I used it.
Why is it now considered stalking to look at someone’s profile?
Maybe I’m fucking interested. Am I a stalker now? In high school I dated this girl with a stalker and we didn’t have Facebook yet; in fact, myspace hadn’t even come out yet. What we did have was the telephone, and her back yard where we’d find him standing from time to time. That’s a stalker. This is a website and read this little factoid hot off the news feed: YOU CHOSE TO PUT YOUR INFORMATION ON IT.
I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with camping on a girl’s profile who you like and spamming F5 for hours at a time, or even all day. If that makes me a Facebook stalker, then I’m a Facebook stalker and my wrist hurts.
Why am I a “creeper” for hitting on girls with it?
Because if you do something as simple as using a communication device on a dumb girl, that word comes out. It’s not that sophisticated, honey. I didn’t go out of my way. Not for you. Maybe I can’t find what they call a good girl (which may or may not actually exist) at the bar because her face looks like a leather bag with a cigarette hanging out of it. Maybe I don’t find them at parties because *whore* Maybe I don’t find them where I work because they only hire men to do my job. Although, there is that one cute chick…but she’s a cocktease with a vendetta.
“WHORES AREN’T THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GO TO PARTIES, MR. SMART ASS ELF WAX WRITER FOR THE INTERNET, MR. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING, MR. I CAN’T GET LAID SO I GO ONLINE AND RAGE ABOUT IT.”
Point taken. Still, fuck that.
I operate Facebook like a vast net, trawling the murky unknown for a good conversation, intelligent insight, a funny joke, adding strangers in the hopes of discovering a classy broad who isn’t afraid to go out on a limb and meet a religious rapist-murderer zealot she talks to online. Because I looove to rape me some bitches. So what if I filter out all the ladies except those whose relationship status has just changed to “single”? That’s how you find the ripe ones!
brb jerking off to facebook
Why do people refuse to hang out with me and then have three-hour conversations with me across Facebook?
Maybe it’s because I’ve always been friends with lazy stoners. Or they just don’t like me, which pretty much invalidates our friendship status. -1 friend but there are still 257 left
“Wow asshole, you sure do have a lot of negative opinions about Facebook. Maybe you should stop using it?”
Maybe. But for now, I have developed a sort of perverted fondness for it – like Wal-Mart. Facebook bastardizes human interaction. Wal-Mart destroys local economies. I think the friendship economy is in a recession.
There is intrinsic value in the understanding and hatred of many things, and I encourage all of you to attack something or someone you hate today.
Now, I’m going out to throw some alcohol onto this roaring fire of rage and then I’ll come back to report its effects.
This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer
“Facebook is garbage.”
Edit: I’m home again. I did not drink too much, as I took a look around at my surroundings and into my glass and decided that I’m not reaching my full potential sitting at the bar around people I hate more than myspace. My perspective has not changed, but it did occur to me after some conversation on the matter that Facebook is occasionally used for its intended purpose, like catching up with an old friend after many years. However, my opinion that it is a cesspool of immeasurable proportions will never change, but only reinforce itself as that website gets older and more used, like the girls on it.
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Now that the “War on Terror” has been declared officially over, President Hussein Obama has declared war on the Third World, which in fact has been going on since Vietnam. His policy of honesty has been met with complete apathy. America and its satellite nations are engaged in a campaign to eradicate any progress in developing countries which may threaten future corporate profit. Vietnamese, Iraqis, and Afghanis have learned how powerless they are as they drink Coca Cola in lieu of a clean water supply.
In America, things are very quiet. Airplanes are loaded with Prozac and leave aerosol trails of obedience and submissive behavior in a perfect grid over the nation. The only people who seem to be capable of any type of outrage are only expressing it towards the most trivial changes in their lives. So-called “Tea Parties,” have shifted most of their vitriolic hate-protest towards the new Facebook layout.
Sarah Palin has gripped the reins of this hateful group and begun steering it towards her own agenda. Palin’s pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric has been ramped up tenfold by her newly discovered technique of writing and reading from her hand. Palin’s bestselling memoir Going Rogue: An American Life is now on sale at Wal Mart for a suspiciously low price. Originally “My Struggle: An American Life,” the title was changed by the publisher at the last-minute for an undisclosed reason.
In Italy, America has bastardized traditional Italian ingredients to form a “partially edible” new sandwich cleverly named the McItaly. This sandwich is obviously a collusion between McDonald’s and the highest levels of Italian government. Elf Wax sources have revealed McDonald’s plans for the McHaiti-a sandwich made entirely with misappropriated food relief. McHaitis will be distributed to crowds of hungry people with compressed air guns by employees dressed as Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and other beloved McDonald’s friends.