ELF ONLINE: TAKE THE MONEY AND FUN


Guangdong, Cn.–Unpopular Chinese gaming company HappyMMO has swindled roughly twenty-five gamers out of their American money in a bid to relieve personal economic hardships abroad using a “game” known as Elf Online, an MMORPG in which people get together, set up shops, and do quests with each other while an unknown entity reaps the unseen profits funneled in when users are forced to purchase in-game items in order to advance their characters.

In Elf Online, U.S. currency is traded for worthless in-game items and charm potions (US $20) that give users “1500 affection”, a meaningless statistic that arbitrarily changes a pet’s willingness to do what one says. Pets are “captured” for US $20 and offer no in-game advantages.

The official Elf Online Forums have fallen into disuse as one spammer by the name of “SidorooloFrom” generated thirty-five pages worth of posts containing links to pornography, pharmaceutical advertisements, and internet dating sites that don’t really exist.

Investigation reports broken English and poorly put-together sentences throughout the game, even on the opening screen, where the user must click, “STRAT GAME” in order to enter the mysteriously empty Elven world.

The website, happymmo.com, which is almost unnavigable due to its poor English and sparse Chinese dropdown menus, is registered to Chinese citizen Lin Yong, a known scam-artist and child pornographer who has not been publicly available for comment since May, 2008, when users began demanding both forum and in-game moderation in the wake of neglect.

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.

Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing
young Skywalker into the Dark Side

In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you’re happily absorbing.
Possible uses for these chatrooms are:
  1. Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
  2. Internet predation
  3. Learning
  4. Discussion of current events
  5. Discussion of painful past events
  6. Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
  7. Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
  8. Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It’s what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States’ confiscated drug supply.