Obama to Award BP Executive Presidential Medal of Freedom

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.” . . .

Terrorist Edward Snowden May Walk Free

What you don’t know about Snowden involves his diabolical scheme to escape into the lawless hands of Hong Kong, landlocked by the irrevocable sin of mainland Communist China. . . .

Area Christian Too Cool For The Devil

“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.” . . .

Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous

Kilgore Trout, accidental leader of Anonymous, tells the collective that trolling is the best approximation of truth available to internet users. . . .

Russia gets Libyan oil as half-assed NATO led attempt for democracy fails

Neoliberalism strikes again! Russian oil companies move in after American boots on the ground fail to secure oil. . . .

Obama to sign NDAA – Neverending Destruction of America Act

Americans can now be detained and tortured, indefinitely, under US law. Held without trial. Whatever they want to do with you really. Awesome. . . .

HACKERS FREE PRISON INMATES USING BACKDOOR EXPLOIT

Hackers for freedom strike again. . . .

The Only True Conspiracy Theory

America now sees what the businessmen who financed the Tea Party intended: Dressed in powdered wigs and wearing red makeup that is actually gore, the Tea Party is shoveling babies into the ocean with pitchforks. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is gagging Lady Liberty with her gigantic strap-on while trying to save face by praising Al-Jazeera and . . .

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all the evidence voters need to make the right decision in 2012. . . .

Protesters gear up to repress rowdy G-20 police

Protesters gather in Toronto to reign in unruly police officers. They fight authority by getting punched in the face, arrested, and gassed, just by standing there. . . .