Washington, D.C.–The cost of freedom rose another ten barrels of crude Friday, according to a Pentagon report published by Secretary of War Donald Scumsfeld.
Freedom, experts say, might never be free again, according to projections by the War Secretary that reveal an alarming increase in the cost of freedom over time.
“We expect the cost of freedom to double, or possibly even triple with the cost of oil in the third quarter, depending on what rights people are willing to give up, and in exchange for which illusions of security the NSA might reasonably offer.”
Millennials are pussies.
Donald Scumsfeld, Sec. of Ass-Kickin’ Drone Warfare
Some liberal cowards don’t want war, Scumsfeld said. Others hate foreigners enough to support total invasion and occupation their oil-rich desert countries.
“Our research shows Millennials are pussies, this much is obvious,” Scumsfeld said. “But even so, [they] don’t mind drone strikes as long as they don’t have to see pictures of dead kids on Instagram or Twitter.”
“Ew, get these gross dead people off my timeline!” – @J3ssicaR4bbit27
An unanswered CNN poll revealed that – although Americans are still largely divided along party lines – one thing Americans can agree on is that freedom of choice represents a right to the freedom not to choose.
One participant in the poll, who did not answer the poll but instead commented in the field below, said:
“We don’t care what all the government takes, as long as they don’t take away my American Pickers.”
Another good American citizen said he doesn’t like the way people in turbans make him feel, and that a search-and-seizure warrant should not be necessary as long as the government’s suspicions were “justifiable” and based on “gut instinct.”
“When I look at somebody’s different from me, I can’t really put into words the terror and confusion I feel in my gut instinct,” Anonymous bravely stated. “All I know is, when I get scared, I get mean and hateful, and buddy let me tell you this right now: If I get scared and attack somebody I hate on the basis of my prejudgments – or, prejudice, if you will – and you want to call that a hate crime, then by God, I guess I’m a hate criminal. What do you call that? Like a terrorist, but the other way around, right?”
Like many Americans on the Fourth of July, the despicable Chinese also take a break from stamping out iPhone 7s to celebrate their freedom every year on June Fourth – the same date of “the incident” that should under no circumstance be named.
At that, we turn to our Freedom Correspondent who writes from Freedom, Wisconsin, located at the crossroads of the Fox Valley. That’s right. Freedom is really located on the FOX Valley.
Freedom, Wi.–Nothing’s free here. You have to pay for groceries, a house, your car – even gasoline. Some people just stare at the Sun, because it appears free. Little do they know, even staring at the Sun comes at a great cost. Little Timmy Sutherland, of Cartaret County, Wisconsin, lost his vision after staring directly into the sun during a commercial break from Naruto.
And so on, you get the idea. Good lord, are you still reading this?
WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”
When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”
Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”
“After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”
BP Internal Affairs
Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”
The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”
The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.
This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.
HONG KONG– You may already know the dubious tale of 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the anti-American ex-NSA contractor-turned-defector who recently leaked valuable national secrets to our enemies.
But what you don’t know about Snowden involves his diabolical scheme to escape into the lawless hands of Hong Kong, landlocked by the irrevocable sin of mainland CommunistChina.
Although Hong Kong is part of a “one country, two systems” situation, China can veto extradition requests, contradicting the extradition treaty the weak government of Hong Kong has held – since 1997 – after the city was returned to the totalitarian regime with which Snowden is now aligned.
From behind the Great Firewall of China, Snowden hopes to be whisked away by Chinese authorities who may “press” him for precious national security tips, but not before growing famous enough to garner public support for his supposedly “heroic” acts of anti-American aggression against innocent Americans.
A toxic ideology of reverse “patriotism” is now spreading which led Private Bradley Manning, whom Snowden called a “whistleblower . . . inspired by the public good,” to publicly reveal military secrets to our enemies.
Snowden, a master of exploiting legal loopholes, roots around in a broken Communist system of asylum-seeking perpetuity.
He buys time for himself, moving between hotels, racking up exorbitant room service bills with total disregard for the Americans whose national security he’s thrown to the wind.
CIA agents voraciously track Snowden through back alleys of Hong Kong. May God be with our brave soldiers, and may He have mercy on our souls.
Neighbors and ministers were startled by the appearance of Ashley Johnson, 17, in the Roanoke County First Baptist Church congregation Sunday morning.
With daring hairstyles and casual hoodies, Ashley challenges the age-old precept of blowhard Christian conformity.
Ashley fears society is losing faith in Christ as an alternative to the ways of Satan. Ashley said he is trying to make worshiping Jesus cool again. “I hope younger folks will see that cool people love Jesus, too. And why not? I mean, Jesus died for ours sins, and I think that’s pretty cool.”
“Life is sacred, and society seems to have forgotten that,” said Ashley, but asserted he is “still pro-choice, as long as women are being awesome by keeping their unborn fetus.” Ashley warned pregnant teens they must learn to deal with their choices to get pregnant by remaining pregnant.
“I want to show people you can give your heart to Jesus without conforming to society’s backward norms.”
In tandem with his newfound convictions, Ashley has given up dangerous drugs like beer and marijuana, and stopped having sex with girls, “Which is easy,” Ashley said, “if you just don’t start.”
Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.
Lord Jesus God
Ashley recently found Jesus after losing his iPod during a “bad trip” on marijuana. “But Jesus spoke to me,” he said. “[Jesus Christ] said, ‘Join me, and I’ll get you a new iPod.'”
Sure enough, Ashley said, Jesus Christ came through. Just four months after accepting Christ as his Lord and Savior, a man in his youth group offered the young boy his old, used iPod. “He said he didn’t need it anymore, so I could have it.” About six months later, Ashley said, the man brought him closer to Jesus than he ever thought was possible. And finally – after ten months of devoted, repeated forced religious practice in that man’s vehicle – Ashley received his free iPod, securing his faith in our Lord.
Ashley said he will continue to ward off Satan’s vices by remaining loyal to Apple products, and abstaining from secular music like White Stripes, and the Magnetic Fields.
“You can’t hold onto hate. I used to hate my abusers for what they did to me, and I hated people who took me away from God. But now I don’t hate anything, except for terrorists, really. And Islam.”
For the past year, Anonymous has treated me like a rambling lunatic. It’s understandable because they’ve totally lost their sense of humor and I write for a comedy web site which constantly pokes fun at them. They think, “Oh he’s just another anti-Anonymous troll,” but any loyal readers here know I get kicks out of being pretty much anti-anything.
By Anonymous, I have been called a troll, a butthurt namefag, or even a fed. By others, I am attacked for being a member of Anonymous. Andrew Breitbart chastised me for my “menacing” Anonymous persona. The Jester doxed me and then a supporter of his took down this web site with a malicious DDoS attack all on the ridiculous pretext that I’m some kind of an Anon.
I’m not on any side, but as soon as I open my mouth, I am invariably pigeonholed as either a malicious hacker or a crazed anti-Anonymous conservative republican, and that’s fucking stupid.
Really, I am just some guy at a keyboard doing my best to make sure the keystrokes make it to your monitor. For once, I have an Extremely Serious Message to Anonymous.
“Ignore the trolls” is possibly the worst advice ever. It’s tantamount to saying ignore anything upsetting. For a group so obsessed with truth, Anonymous is wearing some pretty massive blinders. Don’t ignore people with criticism, and don’t ignore the way the media portrays you. An Anon who pays attention to only the citizen media pro-Anonymous circle-jerk is just as misinformed and disinformed as any Tea Party Fox News Rush Limbaugh Dittohead!
Right now, you might think I’m joking. You might think I’m trolling. “Oh that Kilgoar, we’ve known he’s a troll all along.” NO! I mean this, and I mean it so hard I hope it shatters your fucking skull!
THAT’S what this is about. I just want you, Anonymous, to learn to pay attention to trolls. You want to know the truth, right?
PAY ATTENTION TO THE FUCKING TROLLS.
If you want as close of an approximation of the TRUTH as ANYONE can get, computer hacking ISN’T the answer. At least 99.9% of evil corruption takes place without the use of e-mails!
“Believe everything, but don’t believe just anything.”
This is the secret to approximating truth, compartmentalized into a single sentence and lacking all the really cool poststructural/postmodern theories about the nature of meaning and some other junk.
You might say, “Approximate the truth? What do you mean ‘approximate?’ This is Anonymous, and we’re going to unveil that bitch once and for all!”
Foolish! Ridiculous! Absurd! NAIVE!
Does this make you ANGRY?? Does it sound like some mystical bullshit?? Am I still trolling you??
For those of you who aren’t convinced how DEADLY SERIOUS I am and think this is all a sick joke, well don’t go reading any quantum physics, or you might get a brain aneurysm. For the rest of you out there, I really hope you have second thoughts the next time you DISMISS SOMEONE WITHOUT THOUGHT, JUST BECAUSE WHAT THEY SAY UPSETS YOUR PRECIOUS FRAGILE CULT-LIKE DYSTOPIAN ANARCHIC TECHNOFETISHISTIC WORLDVIEW.
This mind rape brought to you by the guy who’s been right about all the shitty leaders in Anonymous who don’t even exist, but are working with the FBI anyway to entrap as many of you cultist dupes as possible. Also mad ups to the Hydra, which grows new heads all the time but was nonetheless slain valiantly by Hercules as a part of his 12-step program. Also ideas: You can’t arrest them.
Moscow–“Syria is political chess, not American football,” said Mikhail Margelov, Presidential envoy to Africa, and Russian Premiere to Libya, implying Sunday America has no role in the country, so they should get out.
Margelov spoke on conditions of Anonymity during talks with Soviet journal RT. Over the course of their discussion, he indicated democratic efforts in Libya have failed.
Margelov said, “Some people happy to openly drink moonshine and others unhappy about that because they’re in favor of Sharia laws all over the country.”
“Some people are thinking about purity and Islamic identity,” Margelov boasted. “Some talk about necessity of establishing Sharia law all over the country, Islamic world, all over the Arab world.” At this, Margelov’s eyes flashed, then rolled back into his head as he foamed at the mouth.
“Chances of New Libyan Government and judicial system sharing values of human rights and democracy expected to be minimal,” Margelov explained through gritted teeth.
Russian oil companies have already started operations in Libya
Russian railroads “ready to get back.”
New Libyan Government welcomes Russian companies! Margelov: “So why not?”
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Washington, D.C.– Good, patriotic Americans applauded yet more consummate abuses of power Thursday as US President Barack Hussein Obama demanded provisions to the National Defense Authorization Act to “make no exceptions” for the indefinite detainment of “US citizens and legal residents.”
The security-enhancing provision to kidnap and indefinitely detain unsightly US citizens was later put on his desk after Obama rejected the annual funding bill because military powers were not extended to encapsulate the livelihoods of every American citizen.
“I think it’s just the greatest thing ever,” said Sally Melbank, 44, of Roanoke County. “It’s exactly what this country needs and will hopefully get rid of what it don’t.”
American citizens deemed to have misused their sweet, precious freedoms can – and will – be tortured not only on American soil, but moved to secret prisons around the world – for their entire lives – if necessary.
“You could be engaged in terrorism,” said chronicle.su political analyst Tony Minginle, who worked with bill co-sponsors to ensure language used in the legislation was as draconian as possible,
“Or you could just be a donator of funds to a deemed terrorist group, such as Wikileaks. Or you might be doing nothing at all. For example, maybe you just write satire for a subversive internet publication because you like saying crazy shit. Perhaps most importantly, we’ll never know because you do not get a costly and time-consuming trial where time and tax dollars are wasted determining your supposed innocence.”
“Fuck it,” he said. “Let God sort ’em out.”
The legislation represents brave defiance of human rights to personal freedom and due process. By this point in American history, open assassination of US citizens, abuse of power, and squelching of free speech have become commonplace and codified. Provisions to the NDAA merely serve to clarify the US Government’s basic contempt for rampant freedom on a level “even FOX News viewers can understand.”
If you are deemed to be a “supporter of Al Qaeda, Taliban, or associated forces, you can be detained by the military and held indefinitely.”
And that is why we have decided to announce our official support for Al Qaeda, the Taliban and associated forces.
It’s the American thing to do.
Old Brutus, “Debbie Downer” and ex-leader of CHRONICLE.SU, was approached by journalists for comment on this delicate matter. After some argument over his affiliation with the underground hatesite, he objected to our presence but also had this to say:
We’ve lost all our rights and the regime is, by now, totally fascist.
If we make it to the year 2014, that’ll be the year all hell breaks loose in America. We’re stranded in the middle of an ocean of dung, walking on an oil slick and somebody just struck a match to the god damn thing.
The police are never punished, but rewarded, for bad behavior. The government is dedicated to maximizing profits. The people are cows.
I’ve never felt more certain about anything than the doom hanging over us.
We’re fucked. But please take this as a token of my condolences.
What a kook, AMIRITE!?
Cheer on the erosion of your own rights as you fulfill the prophecy contained within this mujahideen chant.
SAN QUENTIN, Calif. — More than one thousand inmates escaped from their prison cells across the United States Wednesday following the release of a volatile computer bug used mainly in the hijacking of nuclear weapons control systems.
Last week at Defcon, the hacker conference, a technological flaw in prison security software was discreetly showcased before a handful of onlookers, provided spectators promised not to say anything about it.
The massive breakout occurred just before 3 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. Latest reports say 1,233 of the more than 5,000 prisoners awoke to their cell doors opening. Usually that means breakfast, but guards were nowhere to be seen. All but two fled and only seven were captured alive. Many were fatally wounded.
CITIZENS: LOCK YOUR DOORS. BE ADVISED: The cell blocks affected by Wednesday’s hack housed only inmates serving sentences in excess of 25 years. In other words, there are violent criminals roaming the streets of Southern California, as usual.
These include more than 1,000 convicted murderers, rapists, gang members, blacks, and worst of all, Mexicans likely inhabiting the barren lawless California desert of San Quentin. If anyone in an orange numbered jumpsuit ask you for a ride, just say no, unless you think he looks legit.
San Quentin State Prison Warden Mike Martel said, “Sure, we might lose a few prisoners, but those .commies will fill their places. I fucking hate kids, and their damn computers. So when are we doing this interview?”
One prisoner who escaped by way of the hacked beta version of the hack-in-progress said he is grateful for the efforts put forth by anonymous computer hackers, “whatever the fuck that means.”
Many dozens of prisoners scrambled over top of each other just to get through the open doors. Video surveillance tapes played back scenes of utter chaos as a herd of inmates bottlenecked, taking gunfire at the open bay doors near the front of San Quentin State Prison.
Scooter McLintock, 39, is serving two life sentences for the 1997 rape and murder of his two elderly South Beach neighbors. McLintock – along with many others – opted to take their chances and bum rushed the open front doors to the prison, where outside, freedom awaited survivors.
“We was thinkin’: what if we jus all rush out dat door at once, ya know? The guards can shoot at us, but they can’t kill us all. They ain’t kill me. But I had this big colored man on top a me get shot an’ he was screamin’ like a lil’ bitch. Like a scared little bitch wit blood squirtin’ out his mouf an’ shit.”
Famous Unknown People
Last year, a cyber worm known as Stuxnet disabled Iran’s nuclear centrifuges, slowing or possibly crippling their once-thriving nuclear weapons program. The Stuxnet worm is still considered the most sophisticated cyberweapon ever made. It disabled the centrifuges by attacking a “programmable logic controller,” which is the same type of computer used, ironically, in America’s prisons.
Martel explained why they use such sophisticated, yet flawed technology in San Quentin’s holding facilities. “In America, prisoners are considered a commodity where prisons are privately operated. That’s why we treat them with the same level of protection as Iran treats its controversial nuclear program. Because we care. About money.”
David Blanche of Lebal Drocer Correctional Authority said the most recent outbreak is the largest in world history, and authorities are actively searching for someone to blame. Critics of hacker culture point at Defcon for condoning cybercrime, but “mainly because they are older, they still blame MTV.”
A group of unidentified and highly-skilled hackers – not to be mistaken with the club of misfits going by “Anonymous” – bought a programmable logic controller for testing purposes. Such computers are commercially available for less than $2,500.
Within days of testing, hackers achieved success by way of a simulated attack on their own machines using their newly developed cyberbug.
Chronicle.SU editor and Anonymous insider Kilgore Trout abused his anonymous credentials and dug into their possible involvement. Once again, his skepticism proved itself.
You read it here, folks: Sabu has openly admitted to orchestrating the Antisec cybercrime of the century.
While talking with Sabu in a private IRC, Trout bragged about the completion of his latest cyberbug. Because all anons care about how cool people think their fake online identity is, Sabu’s inner anonfag came crawling out to bite the hook. He said, “That’s one hell of a bug, but guess who just released a bug into San Quentin State Prison?”
Sabu instructed Trout to “Keep it on the dl bro,” but the Chronicle.SU is not some pussy collective that respects the meaning of ‘off the record.’ “I’m not trying to get v&,” Sabu pleaded. But Trout said, “Tough shit.”
The bottomless compulsion to achieve notoriety based on a seemingly endless stream of pointless, shitty attacks caused many in the hacker community to doubt whether the world may ever again blame Anonymous for anything outside of ruining an online forum. But Sabu came through.
While anons and fanboys fapped mercilessly upon their prepubescent penises with thoughts running through their heads of meth lab informants being hunted down and killed after mass d0xing of police contacts, more people are now being raped and killed – this time because of criminals they helped free from prison.
The Final Solution
Prison guard Antonio Rueda, 43, responded with force to the security breach. He said they tried to preserve lives, but then were just like, fuck it. “Following the ineffective use of non-lethal bullets and pepper spray,” Rueda said, “we resorted to rifle fire and rape sticks. Still, some escaped and we’re really kicking ourselves for failing to run autoupdate on Windows XP Home Edition.”
After news of the breakout went public, prison technicians around the globe began looking into alternative security measures and solutions that couldn’t be so easily hacked.
“We’re going to take a look at our router settings, make sure NAT’s turned off. That’s probably the issue.”
This breaking coverage was brought to you graciously by your friends here at Lebal Drocer, Inc. We are pleased to announce the Grand Opening of our Megajail™ next week. It will feature brand new locking mechanisms designed using the latest in Iranian lockdown technology, operated directly by the mind of dead Lebal Drocer president, Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Megajail™ reminds you, once you’re in, you’re in. We own everything that matters, and now jails.
(disclaimer: Lebal Drocer, Inc., is not responsible for limbs lost by closing cell doors. The system is fully automated, as is our transcendental President’s brain, and the prisoners must learn to adhere to the times doors open and shut.)
America now sees what the businessmen who financed the Tea Party intended: Dressed in powdered wigs and wearing red makeup that is actually gore, the Tea Party is shoveling babies into the ocean with pitchforks. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton is gagging Lady Liberty with her gigantic strap-on while trying to save face by praising Al-Jazeera and Internet Freedom. Not only that, but the orchestra masters behind all this have invented some wacky ideas about 9/11 just to throw you off their trail. Why else would 9/11 theories be aired constantly on the “History” channel?
The Fascist plot for dominating America is now quite clear. The super rich have found the most extreme elements of the Republican Party and have created an Ultra-Nationalist cult promising Utopia. Their colluding counterparts on the Left have made a move to destroy the freedom of the press. They are in the midst of creating an information crisis that will be used to destroy all that is good about the internet. An overarching conspiracy by mega-rich Oligarchs who pull the strings is not just apparent, but glaringly and painfully obvious.
The Tea Party cult worships our founding fathers, mythical men who heroically wasted tea while badly costumed as Indians. They’ve been convinced by conniving liars that one day if they all work hard enough, America will still be the richest nation in the world and all the Mexicans will be gone. Well, to be fair, even the original Tea Party was a bunch of racists.
The Tea Party, these cult members, have been bused all over America to protest everything Barack Hussein Obama has done to hurt big business. The television airs the people waving signs, screaming out the trigger phrases, sending weak minds into conniptions of fear and hate followed by selfish pride and contempt. Off camera, among themselves, they foam at the mouth with racial epithets and theories about where Hussein was really born and the missing time when he secretly took his pilgrimage to Mecca.
Using this protest-propaganda hybrid, the ultra rich have planted puppets in many State Governments and are now doing loss management to help keep corporate profits increasing. The puppet Governors have created a false budget crisis. They repeat the bald lie that increasing taxes on corporations and the mega rich could only exacerbate economic problems. Such a lie is so base and ultimately pernicious that Tea Party government is in breach of its social contract. According to our founding fathers, this requires revolutionary action.
Wisconsin has denied collective bargaining rights to teachers and the Governor of Michigan has granted himself Hitler-like emergency powers to do whatever the fuck he wants. Hitler will fire elected officials and disband unions. Similar things are happening everywhere that the Tea Party has taken hold. Even the NFL is in the grips of this anti-union conspiracy.
But do not forget that this is not a conspiracy by a single party. Both the Republican and Democratic sides are being used by the mega rich Oligarchs to destroy American Liberty. Hillary Clinton uses her forked tongue to criminalize investigative journalism while praising the benefits of Internet Freedom. WikiLeaks and the script kiddies of Anonymous have been demonized by traditional left leaning media. These investigative journalists and activists of cyberspace have become too powerful too soon. The Hegemony is working on manufacturing a large enough crisis so that they can crack down and do as much damage to free speech as possible.
Obama should be the most ashamed man on the face of the Earth. Right now he is sitting in his testicle shaped office gently stroking his hard-won Nobel Peace Prize and trying to forget about all the death he owns in Afghanistan. He reminisces on when he authorized the torture of Bradley Manning in Quantico but doesn’t recall any promise to shut down Gitmo. The golden relief of Alfred Nobel stares back indifferently. By now, the world knows who made sure Obama won the prize. It’s a “nuke the world with impunity” badge. Obama is licensed to genocide.
The safeguards provided by the Constitution for the right to protest and the right to free press have been trampled upon by both the Right and the Left. They will crack down in Wisconsin and the protests will only grow exponentially. America will respond to its people like Libya did. The United States government has failed to preempt the effect of the internet and are now forced into a reactionary stance that is bound to fail.The Tea Party will be buried under the throngs of true protesters demanding liberty instead of politics. They will elect no more tyrants. Information will outlive Bradley Manning and Julian Assange.
America will renew its social contract with government by force if necessary!
Washington, D.C.–In an unprecedented bid for the United States Presidency, The Elf Wax Times has entered the race.
It is the first time in the history of the world an entire publication has ran for public office. They will probably win.
“You’re not just voting for a president, but an entire cabinet,” a man known only as ‘The Cold Hard Truth’ told reporters Thursday. He presented himself as their attorney, though his credentials are questionable at best.
He said, “The executive staff of The Elf Wax Times operates ruthlessly and efficiently, and we are fully prepared to step on anyone who gets in our way.”
Viet Zam will be the Defense Comrade, he said, unfurling a tattered scroll. Reading it aloud, The Cold Hard Truth announced, “By the way, we are a Marxist party, which we just formed.”
The Elf Wax Times promised in a television commercial “to president at least once a week,” and said that at no point in time will any part of the administration appear on women’s daytime TV.
“If Elf Wax appears on TV,” said the Elf Wax Times’ Media Mogul, “It will be Spike TV or one of those shows like ‘Pawn Stars’ or MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride.’
The Co-President-To-Be went on to say, “We’re also considering a downloadable podcast on the PlayStation Network as well as pornography endeavors.”
Afterward, Media Mogul told reporters, and extended to all Americans, that if they wish to see change, then there would have to be sacrifice. He warned citizens must be willing to “game out” at least twice a day. “For some,” he said, “This will require a severe cutback on gaming. For others, it will demand much, much more.”
Furthermore, he went on to cite Gandhi, reminding Americans they must be the change they wish to see in the world. “So if you want pot legalized, start getting high with police officers,” later adding, “I’m just going to sit back and watch.”
To win the Republicans over, Viet Zam intimated his desire to replace the military with autonomous kill-bots that once set on BLIND RAGE MODE can not be undone, “for maximum defense.” He said freedom will be programmed into their circuitry, hard-wiring them for democratic, bloodthirsty justice that will be unleashed “mostly on brown people” following the 2012 election, but could extend to whites who can’t speak American or who have their own alphabet.
Loki and the Hecktones, premier cabinet leaders, and well-known from inside The Elf Wax Times for building their fame around pure absurdity, have pointed out the necessity to bring back the unwitting “dosing” of agents within the FBI, CIA, and especially the administration itself with LSD-25.
Loki said, “It is our heartfelt belief that every man, woman and child – wait, especially children – should at least once in their lifetimes experience the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide.” A sudden silence fell over the crowded room of reporters and newscasters and photographers stopped taking pictures. At this, Loki’s eyes bulged out of his head as he exclaimed, “What? Don’t be so fucking lame. Jesus Christ who let all these squares in the room?” Kilgore Trout, the self-described ‘Face of Elf Wax’ reacted promptly by placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder as he quietly escorted him off the stage, beaming for the cameras.
While Sarah Palin and Barack Obama scoff at the notion, The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all they need. Voters who “wish to make the right decision” to vote for them in the 2012 election, are expected to “inform themselves,” said a man named Bill, “because we’re pulling the ads.” Experts predict a landslide victory for The Elf Wax Times.
Thanks to LebalSoft voting machines, voters will have the unique opportunity of voting for Elf Wax as early as they feel like, and as many times as they want if they feel their vote wasn’t counted properly. Additionally, voting has been turned into a “game,” according to one anonymous source from within Lebal Drocer.
Due to the dangerously high lead content of their products, all Lebal Drocer representatives speak on the condition of anonymity.
In the game, voters are rewarded with tickets and prizes for casting the right vote in the correct order. Prizes include freedom tickets, XBOX Gamer Points, even the right to vote. Freedom tickets would be redeemable at the United States Government. These are “higher-level prizes” that award freedom of speech allowances and “get out of jail if your 4th Amendment Rights were compromised” cards. “It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but the 2010 version.”
There are no contacts listed for The Elf Wax Times and the staff could not be reached for any comments relating to anything, whatsoever.
The world must simply wait on standby for a glimmer of hope, change, or a press release explaining why there has been none, which sources predict may never come.