Anonymous spawns new type of pr0n

AnonPr0n comes in BBW flavor!

Anonymous has created its own politically minded anarchic subculture within the deepest depths of the internet. Until now, it has not had its own brand of porn. However, a new genre has emerged that features actors wearing the distinctive “Guy Fawkes” masks, borrowed from the Hollywood blockbuster V for Vendetta. Several major producers from the Porn industry have eagerly jumped on the Anonymous bandwagon only to be disappointed with their profits.

AnonPr0n, as it has become known, is generating very little sales. Chronicle.SU reached one AnonPr0n director for comment. He wished to remain Anonymous. “They just want to pirate this stuff–there’s basically no way to make money off of it. As soon as the material is available, it hits the torrents.”

The message is clear: put on the Guy Fawkes mask and you will soon be fucking a girl like this.

The AnonPr0n phenomenon is not limited merely to commercial porn producers. True to form, many female members of Anonymous have begun to produce their own amateur AnonPr0n. “AnonyMiss,” a sub-cult of female Anons, is churning out self-made images designed to lure in new recruits.

The shocking images here are just the beginning. Fapping furiously, thousands of Anons are firing up Photoshop to create fakes. For all purposes, they will be just as good as the real thing. The mind reels at the implications for poopsex, gore, transexual, analgape, and yes–even childporn. We advise our readers to turn off their computers and cancel their internet service. Forever.

UPDATE: Anons have created a “Sexy Fawkes” meme, ripping off “AnonPr0n” and rebranding it as something original. You can view these scary boner-killing images at http://sexyfawkes.tumblr.com/

 

 

 

Why I can't do Facebook

I hate my conscience

Okay, there are some things in life you just can’t pass up. I almost clicked the Comment button. Seriously. And what do I have to lose? I should have just done it, but now it’s not funny anymore. Or maybe it was never funny. Or maybe it would just hurt that girl’s feelings because she is not who she used to be and I should not enforce a negative image upon her in front of everyone we’ve ever known personally, and my friends would say, “Come on, man, seriously?” and then I’d feel something called remorse.

That’s because I am a conscious, thinking man with the impulses of a terribly cruel bastard. Meh. What goes around comes around. I’ll get mine one day, but that day hasn’t come yet.

That being said, let’s talk a little shit about Facebook:

A lot’s changed since the last time I used it.

Why is it now considered stalking to look at someone’s profile?

Maybe I’m fucking interested. Am I a stalker now? In high school I dated this girl with a stalker and we didn’t have Facebook yet; in fact, myspace hadn’t even come out yet. What we did have was the telephone, and her back yard where we’d find him standing from time to time. That’s a stalker. This is a website and read this little factoid hot off the news feed: YOU CHOSE TO PUT YOUR INFORMATION ON IT.

I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with camping on a girl’s profile who you like and spamming F5 for hours at a time, or even all day. If that makes me a Facebook stalker, then I’m a Facebook stalker and my wrist hurts.

Why am I a “creeper” for hitting on girls with it?

Because if you do something as simple as using a communication device on a dumb girl, that word comes out. It’s not that sophisticated, honey. I didn’t go out of my way. Not for you. Maybe I can’t find what they call a good girl (which may or may not actually exist) at the bar because her face looks like a leather bag with a cigarette hanging out of it. Maybe I don’t find them at parties because *whore* Maybe I don’t find them where I work because they only hire men to do my job. Although, there is that one cute chick…but she’s a cocktease with a vendetta.

“WHORES AREN’T THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO GO TO PARTIES, MR. SMART ASS ELF WAX WRITER FOR THE INTERNET, MR. I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING, MR. I CAN’T GET LAID SO I GO ONLINE AND RAGE ABOUT IT.”

Point taken. Still, fuck that.

I operate Facebook like a vast net, trawling the murky unknown for a good conversation, intelligent insight, a funny joke, adding strangers in the hopes of discovering a classy broad who isn’t afraid to go out on a limb and meet a religious rapist-murderer zealot she talks to online. Because I looove to rape me some bitches. So what if I filter out all the ladies except those whose relationship status has just changed to “single”? That’s how you find the ripe ones!

brb jerking off to facebook

Why do people refuse to hang out with me and then have three-hour conversations with me across Facebook?

Maybe it’s because I’ve always been friends with lazy stoners. Or they just don’t like me, which pretty much invalidates our friendship status. -1 friend but there are still 257 left

“Wow asshole, you sure do have a lot of negative opinions about Facebook. Maybe you should stop using it?”

Maybe. But for now, I have developed a sort of perverted fondness for it – like Wal-Mart. Facebook bastardizes human interaction. Wal-Mart destroys local economies. I think the friendship economy is in a recession.

There is intrinsic value in the understanding and hatred of many things, and I encourage all of you to attack something or someone you hate today.

Now, I’m going out to throw some alcohol onto this roaring fire of rage and then I’ll come back to report its effects.

This has been brought to you by Lebal Drocer

“Facebook is garbage.”

-Mike Odum

Edit: I’m home again. I did not drink too much, as I took a look around at my surroundings and into my glass and decided that I’m not reaching my full potential sitting at the bar around people I hate more than myspace. My perspective has not changed, but it did occur to me after some conversation on the matter that Facebook is occasionally used for its intended purpose, like catching up with an old friend after many years. However, my opinion that it is a cesspool of immeasurable proportions will never change, but only reinforce itself as that website gets older and more used, like the girls on it.

Open Letter to Danny Gilmore

Assemblyman Danny Gilmore poses with a slave
Assemblyman Danny Gilmore is seen here posing with his favorite slave, "Toubab"

Hanford, Ca.–Recently, The Elf Wax Times took it upon themselves to write an open letter to Danny Gilmore, who was quoted by the Los Angeles Times saying what we’ve all heard a thousand times before – “LEGALIZE POT! WHAT’S NEXT, HEROIN!?” He said this to reporters in response to the recent marijuana legalization bill approved by an important Assembly committee and scheduled to hit the Legislature by next year. Because you people are lazy and willing to roll over for any politician who wears a flag pendant and a shit-eating grin on his face, we took it upon ourselves to write him a letter – well not even a letter, but a short note – calling him out on his bullshit.

The L.A. Times reads:

The anticipated revenue would not be worth the grief the bill would cause, said Assemblyman Danny Gilmore (R-Hanford), a former assistant chief with the California Highway Patrol.

“We’re going to legalize marijuana, we’re going to tax it and then we’re going to educate our kids about the harm of drugs. You’ve got to be kidding me,” Gilmore said. “What’s next? Are we going to legalize methamphetamines, cocaine?”

Needless to say, we aren’t dumbfounded to find that even in the year 2010 this argument is still being championed by a former Highway Patrolman. But it should be noted that Danny Gilmore, and anybody else willing to hide behind this “argument,” is stunningly full of shit. So we felt he needed to hear from the voice of reason for once. We carefully wrote him a letter, even though he’s not our representative. Oops, it failed the first time. We had to change the zip code because there is no publicly listed email address for his office. The only people who can contact him digitally are his “constituents,” or as you might better know them, the people he lies to in order to gain votes. So we Googled the zip code for Hanford, just South of Fresno, California, entered it in, and the letter got to him. What a security measure!

Editor’s note:

It should be noted that we are a satire site, and as such it is not our job to write this kind of material in a serious fashion. It is our actual belief that Democracy in America never existed and that our Republic is broken and corrupted beyond functionality. The purpose of this letter is not some contrived “Democracy in action” horseshit off a PBS special and we certainly don’t expect to maintain any kind of open dialog with a politician [anybody who believes such a thing exists needs to get real]. This is simply pure, condensed hatred and we don’t actually expect to change anything because we are more realistic than that.

Our letter reads:

When you said this, were you on cocaine? Why would you obscure logic and reason when your state is being hit the hardest by the economic recession when faced with an opportunity to boost revenue for your sucky little district and all others around you? Are you afraid the pharmaceutical companies will stop paying you to lie and scare the public into downvoting progress toward freedom of personal choice with regard to our own f*cking minds?

You are worse than the Mexican cartel who kills people over the marijuana you hope to keep criminalized – to ensure more death and anguish across your own evaporating state, where you know it’s being grown. Let’s see, “Grief,” you say? Let’s talk about grief, you scum. I grieve for your existence. I wish that more people paid attention to the stupid trash that pours out of your mouth so that we could vote you out of office and vote up progress.

Get bent, sir.

Needless to say, our letter was ignored, however we still felt it necessary to censor out the word “fucking” because anybody stupid enough to group marijuana together with meth and coke, or propagate such ignorance, is obviously a Christian, and we didn’t want to offend him.

But seriously. He needs to get fucked, who’s with us on that? To all those people who have been cutting Democrats’ propane tank lines and making death threats over health care [irony, anyone?]…kindly look to the West and see if a better target isn’t waiting for you – or how about the leaders who voted us into war? Nobody’s cutting their brake lines and threatening their family members, and they’re sending your loved ones off to die in the fucking desert at the hands of glassy-eyed killers in the name of the same fucking God who supposedly created us all.

Get a grip, America. Smoke a joint and see if that helps. Need some? I hear you can find dank weed in California, along with PCP and methamphetamines, which are basically all the same thing.

Chris Crocker’s Internet Boyfriend Search

Chris Crocker's Cooked Up A Killer Craving For HIVInternet, U.S.A.– According to youtube, Elf Wax’s most reliable source, internet fucksation Chris Crocker is on the market for a boyfriend (and a job).

He’s holding a self-serving youtube contest to obtain the more pathetic of these. Elf Wax entered, but we haven’t heard back. Well, put on your Wax Goggles and get a load of this guy:

Almost needless to say, Chris Crocker did not choose him, even though this entrant said Crocker “sets a good example.” Regardless, he “means business,” and “will hurt somebody who tries to hurt [Chris Crocker].”

REVIEW: This video is to the point and strikes adoration relentlessly into your heart. Chris Crocker, if you don’t want him, Elf Wax’ll have him.

-The Elf Wax Times staff (especially the gay staff)

God damn internet

Internet. You give me a lot of problems. But mostly you just give me solutions. Actually more problems.

Number one, I do not know what to masturbate to – you are just so full of surprises!

Number two, I can’t trust Wikipedia. Anybody can edit that shit! Come on now! That’s got to make it the worst source of reliable information since Pepsi’s homepage.

Lol_Internets

Number three, Google. WHAT THE FUCK YOU CONTROL INFORMATION, WAY TO GO. You are the Wal-Mart of the Internet.

Number four, Net Neutrality. You are the single most stressful term about the internet. I’d die protecting you, if I didn’t know you’d still be sold right out from underneath us, destroying freedom of speech and free enterprise as we know it.

Number five, you’ve changed the news. Like porn, you used to have to pay for the news in some way – even if it was just an advertisement on TV. Now, you don’t have to pay for shit. Way to go, internet. I won’t have a job after I graduate. But what the fuck do you care? With each keystroke, I’ve done a little more work for you – for free.

fuck-off-smokers

Number six – I just heard Barack Obama can take control over the entire internet in the event of a “data emergency” – Obama can privately Google himself in the dark now. He will start a blog about something that matters a lot to him. Or just look at porn. Note: this came from FOX News, so it is probably true. I did zero fact-checking for your convenience.

Number seven – you’ve dissolved friendships using fakebook and myplace. I have to commend you for this. I thought I’d never be able to keep an endless supply-chain of excuses going not to hang out with “friends.” Now that we’re always friends no matter what I do, I can ignore them forever and die alone! Just the way you told me I always wanted it.

Number eight – How in the Lord Fuck am I supposed to turn my back on you knowing you hold the entire wealth of collective human knowledge? I once stayed on the internet for four days, tripping on morning glory seeds and reading desperately about String Theory, believing I was looking God in the eye. Now, I can only live out my day-to-day “sunshine” life knowing that I’ve turned my back on the source of all things known so I can make pizzas, rent movies, and park old rich fuckers’ cars. I’m sorry Internet. I didn’t intend on having a real life. I promise to quit a job for you one day.

Number nine – youtube – what’s with the copyright bullshit? How long are we going to pretend like China doesn’t get away with piracy 1,000 times per second?

Which leads me to number ten: BIT TORRENTS!!! SWEET JESUS I BET THE SUPREME COURT WISHES THEY NEVER FUCKED WITH NAPSTER! TV shows, entire albums, fuck – whole discographies – of any band, whether they suck or not, are there for the taking. If Bit Torrent was a store at the mall, a mall that also had a GameStop, Best Buy, SunCoast Videos (or whatever that video store is called), and an adult book store, the Bit Torrent would act as a black hole and just fucking consume those wussy “capitalist ventures” in the name of EVERYBODY TAKE THIS SHIT BECAUSE IT’S FREE AND ONLY CHUMPS AND DUDES IN BANDS PAY FOR IT. “Support live music” is totally my thing. But I’ll download your album, if you just promise to come back to my city next year so I can pay to meet you. I don’t buy CDs. That’s for people who still watch MTV. Although I did buy that sweet stereoscopic Tool album. Great driving music! The whole album is listenable.

486px-Fuck_copyright.svg

And finally The Elf Wax Times – it’s got to be the best thing since marijuana, our top keyword. This place means more to me than season 22 of the Simpsons. Funnier than Nickelodeon’s “Doug.” Twice as entertaining as a new Law and Order. More culturally relevant than Monica Lewinski. More up to date than Weenus, Incorporated. Better than you. And huffing paint since 2008. FUCK YEAH GOLD BLING BLING – TASTE HEAVEN!

Staff Writer - Elf Wax Times
Staff Writer - Elf Wax Times

So fuck you, Internet. I have to be awake in three hours. Plus I’m drunk. Fuck you internet. You don’t understand me. Your whole operation is fuck you internet! I will kill you. After Hussein Backara shuts you down, I will choke you to death in a field. Stupid internet.

Google Elf Wax. Click “fuck you.” It’s gotta be an option there somewhere.