Pawin’ Off with Furfags

Lynchburg, Va.– Furry fandom is a relatively new subculture made up of people who fetishize anthropomorphic animals. To some, it is an extreme sexual desire that often crosses over into the realm of bestiality. To others, it is a casual scene in which the use of a “fursona,” or an alternate animal identity, acts as a social [sexual] aid. Chronicle.SU investigators went undercover to a local Furry meeting, posing as reporters from the Furry News Network to get closer to the throbbing, percolating cyst at the heart of Furry fandom.

To gain access to the furry group Southwest Virginia Furs, an attractive and obviously fake female sock puppet account was created. Within minutes of creation, the sock puppet ‘Jess Perkins’ received the entirely creepy message, “glad to see you live in Lynchburg.” As it turned out, the meeting was held at River Ridge Mall, in direct sight of Jerry Falwell’s ultraconservative Liberty University, where there is a time limit on hugging in public.

Area furries check out hot Christmas deals
Area furries check out hot Christmas deals

Chronicle.SU investigators arrived at the furry meeting disheveled, drunk and hungover. We explained that we were paid by Furry News Network to travel up and down the East Coast, visiting furry events as well as covering raft people coming across from Cuba. For extra furry-cred, all notes were taken in a Warcraft 2 manual. The videogame manual’s presence was noted enthusiastically. Although Warcraft is in no way furry related, it is reassuring to other nerds to know they are in friendly company.

Investigators shared their homosexual “fursonas” with the group. In the shadow of Liberty University, however, all talk of homosexuality was met with silence. The Furry group was much more excited about the prospect of meeting a zebra, as that is apparently a somewhat rare, and unwieldy,  fursona.

Only two of the group owned actual fursuits, expensive sexual toys allowing Furries to enact bestiality fantasies. Fursuits are depraved equivalents to football mascot costumes, complete with hatches for Furries to fuck eachother through.

Furries who choose to leave their masks on during “fur fests” – or furry fuck orgies – say the experience is both enjoyable and thrilling. But because wearing a condom in a fursuit is close to impossible, Swivel said STIs among the Liberty campus underground furry community are “on the rise.”

Furkkake

After being buttered up with bullshit lies from Chronicle.SU, area Furries began to open up about what made them become Furries in the first place. The first Furry interjected, “I was about six or so when it hit me, Fifi Le Fume was fucking hot!” The group enthusiastically agreed, boners showing through their pants at the thought of gangfucking a cartoon character. Another Furry, the group jackal, spoke up, encouraged by the open discussion, “Well, basically it started with the Disney Porn. I just kept coming back to it, and something just clicked.” One Furry claimed he was a Therian first, a spiritual belief that he could potentially learn how to physically transform into animals.

Furries are used to protecting themselves from agent provocateurs. One furry for Southwest Virginia Furs, said, “Fuck trolls. If there was a troll here, I’d punch him.”

One way furfags control dissent is to read the quality of character with furries among the group, and compare it against an outsider’s. Because our reporters were more extreme furries than these newfags even knew how to be, chronicle.su was able to ascertain “mad respect” by claiming to be homosexuals who photograph Cuban migrants ferried into Miami. “Because Furry News Network is extending its coverage to all beasts.”

As a result of profound exile, the furry community barely functions within society, so many furries must stay in the “furry closet” so as not be outcasts, although one member, Dangerfox, openly wears a tail, who said, “Wearing a tail is sharing a piece of yourself.” Yet another Lynchburg area furry named Tearclaw recently came out to his family. He lives with his brother, who said his brother told him “he would deal with me being a furry, ‘as long as you aren’t gay.’ he told me.”

Before departure, one of the furries invited chronicle.su to his trailer where the group would drink beer, and watch someone “suit up.”

Lynchburg, VA - Southwest Virginia Furs - FURRY NEWS NETWORK
Lynchburg, VA – Southwest Virginia Furs – FURRY NEWS NETWORK

Murdoch Family Enslaves Cheetahs To Edit Truth Faster

News of the Chat of the News World

Chronicle.SU–NewsCorp’s premiere chat service, News of the Chat of the News World, functions by way of a high-speed underground network of rare Emperor Cheetahs, which are blocked for their usefulness by anti-cheetah hospital security systems everywhere.

Cheetah
Cheetahs fly through the network at the speed of sound, jaws agape, devouring packets you didn't even request, and ready to suck blood.

Expert analysis:

Years of warmongering, bloodthirstiness, Kahane-level Zionism and utter hatred of Arabs had not entirely divested Mr. Murdoch of his dealings with the Arab Cheetahs. Saudi money had acquired quite a bit of his Neocon twistiness, and finally the Arab Cheetahs were allowed over that tricky border between Egypt and Gaza — where nearby, on the Egyptian side, only, like, six people in a group are allowed to walk at a time — and into the D.C.-sized deathaplex they ruptured. Their lightweight tails smacked against the backs of their noble legs as they poured into the world’s largest prison camp, trails of saliva, like shoelaces, lapping against their forelegs.

-Tyler Bass

“It’s a lolfest if you don’t know what to expect before going down there,” reported freelance cheetah dealer Joe Bradley, 45. “Innocent people getting d0x3d left and right, cheetahs prancing around at high volume with hateful messages pinned to their shock collars, and they’re like, ‘What the fuck, I  should be in the savannah pouncing on the fucking river, drinking caribou and throttling gazelle, not running copyedits to and  fro. Fuck that wrinkled old prick!'”

Murdoch’s viewers have been internationally recognized to possess the lowest, basest possible understanding of the dynamics that created the Fox News — oops, I mean, the second Iraq War, the one following the harrowing, “courageous” embargo of the southwest Asian country that killed billions of innocent cheetahs. That country is known to us as North Korea.

Wearing Gacy-like clown makeup at time of press, Mr. Murdoch announced that it made complete sense that his average viewer possesses the cognitive/reality coherence that they would call “Osama bin Laden” “Saddam Hussein.” This is a result of mass-consumption of furry pornography.

I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

Rupert Murdoch
NewsCorp

“I would never have imagined that people would have bought so much of my flag-fellating bullshit. Ever since Bush I was able to make that incubator-baby crap fly, I thought I could make an edifice as large as those structures in Bioshock III take off.”

“Good doggies do tricks,” added Mr. Murdoch, red food-coloring dye, as used by goth kids, running down opposite sides of his mouth along with saliva, red ink trailing into the white.

In spite of their rebellious demeanors, the cheetahs remain polite because should they resist, they will be put to death, skinned and crafted into spectacularly jewel-encrusted thongs for Murdoch to prance around in.

“They’re not outspoken about their plight but they should be,” said cheetah specialist Speedy McFeely of the Bristol Motor Speedway, Virginia and fucken redneck.

Adrian “Cheetah” Chen approached the Virginia physics expert and without asking permission bent him over and snorted a line of cocaine off the small of his back. With lips pursed, Adrian softly sucked his dick, which instead of semen, leaked the phone records of celebrities and d0x of LulzSec hackers.

One cheetah busted out the cocaine in front of reporters as Murdoch – who audibly gasped at the faux pas – pondered it a moment and opted instead to cup his genitals crying, “Not here, man. The cameras. Shit’s tainted with skin-rotting levamisole. You know what that does to my ballsack.”

Murdoch hatefully orders the reporters out of his hospital suite and defecates in his bed. The hateful troll-cheetah delivers Murdoch his percocets, and Murdoch takes out a small tray, a credit card and a rolled up tin-bob note.

“Who’s the pussy now, bitch?” roars Murdoch. “We’ve got to get these children off of Google+. It’s like a disease, man a fucking KID [emphasis added] disease. Delete the little fucker’s emails to his grandma, if that’s what it takes. They’re worthless, because they were written by a  CHILD [emphasis added].” Rupert Murdoch buries his face into the fur of a cocaine-dusted cheetah and insufflates a full breath of cocaine as it wanders idly by. His eyes then glaze over and turn a fiery red.

Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

Rupert Murdoch

“Show me your MySpace before you go!” calls out Murdoch, half-erect and blind from cocaine. “Come here son, I’ll tuck your shirt in for you.”

To Mr. Murdoch, the cheetahs look like small children, ready for molestation. Murdoch passes out, drool glazing his wrinkled face.

 Media Mogul dreams of Yao Ming and his network of cheetahs. In his dreams, he snorts a line of crushed  percocets to kill the pain.

“Thank God it’s not that levamisole-tainted bullshit,” he remarks to the pool-boy, “and thank God it’s lab-produced morphine.

Krokodil gets the Cheetahs high, makes their dicks grow and nurtures their latent homosexual tendencies as a means of population control. They cook up various drugs in Murdoch’s Russian  apartment, and come out stinking of iodine. Murdoch reeks of Cheetah anus, the latent evidence of a recent shitler hitler still slightly noticable. It is grim, but oddly arousing to this reporter.

Cheetah Mogul, following his addiction to rare cheetahs

“I’m assembling a panel of premade emoticons to tell a story because I am  autistic,” Murdoch tells the press. “Ctrl+v for autism. Look only at mouths while communicating.”A new trend in communication is sweeping the Internet, churches and wi-fi cafés. “Create a rage comic if you want to propose to your husband or call out a  troll,” said Murdoch. “Create a rage comic while high on Krokodil, before taking a line of levamisol-tainted cocaine. My flesh is rotting away and all I can do  is read the next rage comic. Twitter has become my only outlet for  communication, after rage comics.”

Murdoch is visibly upset by this point and releases an odor resembling that of decomposing flesh. It is decomposing flesh. The cheetahs pull the plug on his life-support and he dies a slow painful death emitting a gurgling puddle of feces, writhing in a nightmarish hell, and being mercilessly ripped apart and taunted by his once loyal army of cheetahs.

 @ktrout word up to that #rotting

 @mogul yo dawg you got any #krokodil, I’m trying to get down

“Just looked at the first reddit post in a long while,” Murdoch mumbles to himself before documentary filmmakers overlapping with the Chronicle.SU doing coverage of the long-term effects of cheetah-addiction. He gently rolls the click-wheel of his mouse down a cat-lover furryboard gleefully tapping his foot and singing “im a little man, also evil, also in to cats”

“To avoid  downvotes, everyone prefaces their statements with an apology and an explanation of what their comment is not.” #fagreddit

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Will It Blend?
Bible Edition – By Adrian ForeSkin

Works Cited
By Barrett Brown

http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/iub5k/the_official_death_of_the_rage_comic/

http://marymicrogram.blogspot.com/2011/07/skin-rotting-substance-found-in-us.html

http://sunpig.com/martin/archives/2011/07/03/google-made-my-son-cry.html

The story of Bullshit-Ass COPPA. Your kids aren’t that special, fucking rubes.

Sluthouse 5 by Jack Vonnegut

http://twitter.com/#!/Hatefiend/status/93729178310025216

http://i.imgur.com/fW7GC.png

https://twitter.com/#!/Slashleen