If Global Warming is real, then why is it so cold?

Lush RimjobRichmond, Va.– It’s almost down to freezing here today, and all I can hear are the liberals complaining about this “global warming” supposedly taking place. Is anybody warm? Not me.

I’m cold, inside and out. And I’m just so mad about everything I see going on in politics today. We want to detain enemy soldiers, enemy combatants, people we believe support the enemy cause and damn it we need to keep a tight lid on this, because the crybaby non-partisans are already starting to catch wind of it. They say, “You can’t detain American citizens!” I say, “Not unless we can determine they show support for the enemy.” If they pay so much as a smile to Al Qaeda, then we ought to lock ’em up. And I mean it. It should have happened sooner, right about the time everybody was bellyaching about “where are the WMDs?” as we liberated Iraq from a tyrannical dictator. Listen, brown people: sooner or later, you’re gonna have to Westernize, that’s just how it is. They weren’t going to do it themselves. Iraqis are not cut from the same cloth as the Arab Springers. In Iraq, they’re a weaker kind of Muslim, but that doesn’t mean we should not try to detain all them too. Jay Leno on latenight sure is a great start, but there are some people whom even Primetime TV can’t help.

I’m a shareholder with Boeing. We understand human suffering. At the same time, we understand war is a necessary enterprise. People can not exist without war. Sometimes war is the only way when you just can’t be together with someone. Sometimes war is the best way. Sometimes war is even kind of fun. Hell, I like war. Boeing creates some of the finest war machines of the 21st Century and I’m proud to hold stock in their company. I just wish people could understand how Boeing and the military-industrial complex helps the war industry create the most jobs out of any other industry. War is quite simply the best approach to the problem of human existence.

Now don’t get me wrong. I hate hearing about women and children suffering as a result of armed conflict sponsored by the United States. I can’t stand it and I know you can’t either which is why I make sure not to run that kind of news, so you don’t feel bad about yourselves and you feel more accepting of wartime conditions, all the time. It’s easier on us all that way. I don’t want to see images of little dead babies in the laps of their crying armless mothers just as bad as you don’t, so hey, let’s just not look at it. Simple as that.

Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.

If more people just learned life is what you make of it, then we’d all be a lot happier, am I right? Of course I am. Now if you want to go and wear black makeup and put a bunch of dark shit on your blog with twenty seven followers, that’s your prerogative but don’t drag the rest of us down with you. Life is what you make of it and I speak for those of us who just want to make money and watch Family Guy. Call me brave. Call me bold. Call me fearless. I’m not afraid of those words. I’m an American and I’m proud of it. And I’m sorry you aren’t.

There are a good number of communists out there, on the internet – or a bad number depending on how you feel – who wish to destroy the very foundations of Democracy upon which this country was built. They’d rather not work and take all your money than see any truly beneficial changes arise out of a free market. But this is all part of a larger campaign against the Freedoms we hold dear in our American hearts. These anarchists want a larger government, and are actively seeking more regulations on an already-suffering market. They do this by sleeping in a nearby park. Despicable.

Global warming cartoonAnd that’s where global warming comes in. The cold weather was supposed to run the occupiers out, but soon it will be warm. Were they shouting about global warming to get us to ignore the problem, just so they could use it to their advantage to protest on through the winter? These self-hating liberal American communists are devious creatures, and should be hunted down and detained for the manipulation of truth around global warming and held accountable for the reckless obstruction of sidewalks everywhere.

I used to believe it wasn’t real, it was invented. But it will soon be unseasonably warm for a January so I’ve begun to ask myself: Why global warming? Was it all just a scheme by the liberals to generate distrust in our ecosystem? Or was there actually a false flag attack on our basic understanding of the overall workings of nature – aimed ultimately at tricking the general public into putting innocent bank managers and corporations in the path of Communist occupiers? Their hatred for free enterprise knows no bounds, folks. They’ll stop at nothing. They’re already sleeping in a nearby park, despicably lowering property values in the surrounding area, so why wouldn’t they lie to you?

Do the liberals really hate our freedom so much as to make up a global warming scheme to detract our fickle attention from national security? Today it’s cold, but Monday it will be sixty degrees and sunny. Dear God, are we in the end times?

Chronicle.SU a Tremendous Success

Just in case you forgot about tubgirl.WASHINGTON — Thank you for making the Soviet Union’s new state-controlled media outlet the only thing you’re legally allowed to read. Our crack team of torture artists tortured our graphic artists until they were near death to achieve this state of true perfection. Our writers were treated in ways much worse, forced to watch Sarah Palin‘s “Alaska” 10 hours a day and eat nothing but cold McDonald’s from the value menu. They were rewarded for good writing with a bath in diarrhea and more friendly canings. Now with increased ad revenue and public support The Internet Chronicle is finally able to fully fund its original mission: terrorism.

Unlike Islamic terrorists, we don’t let Allah sort out the innocent. We promise to assassinate every single politician in Washington, D.C. and raze every capitalist institution from the smallest bank to the largest stock exchange. More bloodthirsty and reckless than Robin Hood, we steal from the rich and the poor so we can commit acts of terror to support the common worker.

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we, too are terrorists. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

julian assange
Julian Assange has found a way to threaten the transparency of government by publishing secret documents. Now he’s a terrorist, just like us.

Julian Assange described himself as “combative,” telling reporters he likes to “crush bastards.” As it turns out, so do we. If it’s too big to fail, it’s too big to exist, and that’s the truth that will carry you and the People’s Report forward into this New Century: Crush the bastards who enforce the status quo, wage slavery and perpetual warfare on humanity. To remove the increasingly oppressive politboro, replacing it with the glorious and oppressive fist of Chronicle.SU!

It has been noted by SOVCHRON officials that once in power, they will continue to insist on terrorism as their primary means of governance, and do not take offense to the term.

Cut off the head and the body will die.”

Hunter S. Thompson

While Julian Assange waits in hiding to be poisoned with polonium 210, the Chronicle orchestrates distributed denial of service attacks on whitehouse.gov, punctuated by covert, sporadic genocide. By conveniently cherry-picking philosophies from Glenn Beck books, we are able to better misrepresent and pursue the common goals of all good people, cleansing this great nation, weeding out thieves, potheads and rapists.

We will execute every potential threat to America until the only people left are good, law-abiding citizens who will be left with no choice to but mate with each other, breeding patriotism back into our great nation.

Our writers ingeniously coined this Red, White & Bluegenics.

Keep your eyes to the skies and be on the lookout for Lebal Drocer warplanes of the highest technology to drop bombs and aide relief, one after the other, on your county today! That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise!

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we are terrorists, too. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

Tonight, Julian Assange described himself as “combative”