Washington–In a controversial ruling, the US Supreme Court has decided to take guns away from the general public until they are mature enough to talk about them on TV without yelling and name calling.
Americans have been ordered to leave their guns on top of their refrigerators, or a high enough place where they can’t reach it or see.
“If they don’t see it for long enough, they’re just going to forget about it and move on,” said MIT behavioral psychologist Angstrom H. Troubadour. “It’s out of sight, out of mind. They’ll go on to the next wedge issue. But for right now, the only thing that’s out sight is the price of a solid AR-15!”
Americans witnessed Alex Jones screaming at Piers Morgan last week, and reacted either by apprehensively petting their revolvers on their hips, or applauding Morgan, who did not raise his voice during the sound bites repeatedly broadcast on TV and the Internet.
By court order, Alex Jones was supervised Thursday locking his guns in a cabinet before handing over the keys to ATF agents standing by.
“Those guns,” Judge Meador said, who presided over the case, “will stay locked up until Americans learn to conduct themselves like adults. Sure, any stubborn asshole can shoot off his guns, there’s no questioning that. Just look at Aurora, look at Connecticut! It’s the freedom of speech which Americans can’t bother to point straight.”
Stoned, drunk and with both hands on the grips of a full-throttled hog, Thompson leaned into the long wind of a Pacific Ocean straightaway doing 100 miles per hour. Knowing the next invisible divot in the asphalt could be his last, he held on tighter, accelerating to speeds he would never know, too careful to take his eyes off the road.
He was determined to live, or die trying.
Somewhere in the backwoods of America, Hunter S. Thompson is riding with the Hell’s Angels, wearing a gigantic .50 caliber revolver openly, and making smart-ass remarks to simple-minded townspeople. I know this because I have seen it with my own eyes. I talked to him. He told me he wanted to be the first celebrity to actually fake his own death.
“The news’ll write anything,” he said, shifting a cigarette around in his teeth. “Those fucking savages ran the story before anybody had a chance to call the cops. YOU DIRTY ANIMALS.”
I can’t say for sure if HST was the first famous person to fake his own death, but he’s definitely the last.
In 1965, members of the Hell’s Angels beat Hunter savagely for material found in his book Hell’s Angels. After all these years, he has finally decided to pay them back for their share of his writing. Thompson says each year, he and his motorcycle gang, of which he has become the “zombie” leader, drive by the Aspen Sheriff’s headquarters and take several rides around the block.
I know this because I met him. He had the shooting glasses and the cigarette, and was entirely out of his mind on Amyls. There was no way it couldn’t have been him.
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Midlothian, Va.–Recent studies have shown that Blind people are 37% more likely to be robbed or subject to senseless beatings than other handicapped persons. While the reasons remain withheld, the government has taken action to stop this recent trend by adding a new section to Title V of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Dubbed “Project Blindfire,” this section states that all blind people in the United State are required to carry a government issued M1191 pistol at all times.
In addition to the handgun, a 2 week training program is required to be taken. During the course many effective aiming techniques are taught as well as proper gun care. Other optional courses include archery and crossbow training, hand to hand combat, jujutsu, muay thai, crochet, and salsa dancing.
While skeptics remain uncertain about how effective the new program will be, the ADA has utmost confidence that within the next few months all blind people in the United States will be self-reliant death machines. When we asked how the program has begun to teach America’s most vision impaired citizens to shoot with precision, we were given an astonishing answer:
According to a study done by the Bureau for Blind Studies, all people with a vision field of less than 20 degrees can be trained to use echo-location. This means that before each shot, the gunman must let out a high pitched yelp to temporarily shock and determine the location of their assailant. (Other animals that use echo location are dolphins and whales. It is though that, if given time, dolphins and whales can be trained to one day patrol the oceans.)
Other parts of this new ADA amendment state that because of the unfair advantage of giving a firearm to blind person, their seeing-eye dog must also be blind. The best way to do this is with a spike and a hammer. But don’t worry, it isn’t as inhumane as it sounds. Because the seeing-eye dogs are blind, they too will be issued firearms.
An inside source, who spoke under the condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to give out sensitive information, told the Elf Wax Times the new mandate is part of a government plan to blind everyone, incentivizing blindness with free pistols under the guise of personal safety. “What the people don’t realize,” he said, “Is we won’t even need a shadow government anymore. Everybody’s blind. Now, all we need is a quiet government to sneak up on you.”
Handgun enthusiasts are awash with moonshine-induced blindness following announcement of the new amendment, which isn’t expected to be implemented until late 2012, which Elf Wax analysts say will be “too late.”
The majority of the world’s dolphins, however, voted in favor of the amendment, but because the amendment makes them underwater gun slaves, each individual vote only counts for three fifths of an actual vote, and it was not passed, thus freeing them again.
I haven’t visited the Elf Wax control panel in so long, my cookies didn’t “remember me.”
So I imagine a lot of you are like shitting your pants, OMG WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ELF WAX, well you know some of us have better shit to do than sit around jacking off to other people’s websites.
And that’s precisely what we’ve been doing – jacking off to other people’s websites. More specifically, we’ve been jacking off to Vice Presidential Candidate and Governor-un-elect Sarah Palin’s FOX internet updates, which can be found at FOX’s website, under their internet updates section, which is soon to be renamed “Sarah Palin XXX HORSE BUM PISS *****SCAT **** FUCK ****CLICK HERE******”
I wonder who she voted for?
So the government’s coming out to play, has anyone noticed? America’s putting ten thousand troops onto Haitian soil and blocking off their shoreline, because everyone knows they’ll boom straight for America seeking Visas. I didn’t think credit cards were in such high demand. Who knew? Haitians must love debt or else they wouldn’t come to us.
The BBC headline reads “US troops step up Haiti efforts.” Effort toward what, exactly? Haiti’s fucked, man. They need help. And we’re helping them – with guns. Fuck yeah. “Eat, bitch, or I will shoot you.” Yeah, we brought food, too.
And we’re still bringing food, so Haiti can’t be as hungry for food as we are for Truth here at The Elf Wax Times. So who’s really being more selfish, here? We don’t get any thank-you’s for exploiting a natural disaster only to scrounge up a healthy offering of PCP-laced truth.
The photos you are about to see here are taken directly from pimpin09’s web site. Haiti after the earthquake is in horrible shape. There is no clean water. There is no good place to live besides a tent. There is no food, there are no establishments, their worthless money is about as meaningful in the end as their voodoo traditions of sacrifice (but they don’t know it yet), and there is no system.
What isn’t well-known, however, is that Haiti has always been this way. Even though it’s killing lots, the earthquake changed little.
Ed. Note: Readers, DO NOT FEAR. Unlike our God, Voodoo gods are not real.
So what exactly is our responsibility to these people? OK, sure, let’s help them bulldoze corpses into a hole, airdrop some shit and get the fuck out. But soon, thanks to airdrop technology perfected by Infinity Ward, the Haitians will eat better than even I can afford, and I’m a rich CEO at Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. And this country has always lacked an infrastructure. They’ve never had a sanitation system and the corruption is actually concentrated in leaders who simply live way up high where weak, poor people can’t reach them. One rape-mongering police force is all this cutthroat oligarchy needs to maintain power.
Without a system of government, a valid police force, military, leadership, without infrastructure, Haiti is there for the taking. It always has been, but there’s no diplomatic chance to claim it “peacefully.” Until an earthquake occurred, and suddenly it appears as though troops need to be there.
Currently, two thousand UN troops are working around the clock in Haiti; and seven thousand American troops are in there or camped outside with three thousand more on the way, preemptively granting priority to military flights by default. A “mechanism” had to be put in place between the hippies and the Air Force so “humanitarian flights” could be put ahead in the queue over military flights, which – weren’t they originally there to aid the crisis anyway? So, shouldn’t everyone be given equal priority to land, especially since they’re all working toward the same end?
That contradiction implies the war machine operates coldly, prioritizing all flights in a rigid order wherein ‘first come, first serve’ does not apply, and so it needed to be changed. Impossible! Maybe for China, but certainly not the U.S. military. But, that means guns on the ground are more important than food on the ground. From an objective journalist’s perspective, there is no way to say or properly indict on such a hunch, but my instincts still tell me something is wrong, and it’s probably not a matter of one stubborn control tower.
We’re going global warfare on more fronts than Rumsfeld could have ever dreamed of. Hopefully, this is a signal that our collective Modern Warfare 2 experience points could be having some effect on the human mentality. Because I don’t know about you, but I’ve been kicking more than my share of ass in that game.
Back to Coast to Coast AM:
We’re going East of the Rockies now to Mary-Ann, who believes in psychic abilities, but she’d like to clarify that she is not a psychic. However, she does claim to have had pre-cognitive dreams and experiences of people dying and wants to know what it means. When she says something to someone who does not expect her to be a psychic but she correctly guesses trivia around their lives, this time involving an earthquake, they give her “the look.”
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