Internet Spammers Now Legitimate

It was only a few years ago when the Internet was simply a means through which spammers were able to hijack Internet Explorer and cycle through thousands of pop-up ads making spammers a few cents for each crashed PC.  Nowadays, most users have wised up and the illicit trade of phony internet traffic has to all appearances bottomed out.  Some have declared the spam industry dead-in-the-water but this is simply not true.

Hormel refused to comment on the effect of negative publicity their Spam product line has suffered. However, they did release a statement to Elf Wax Times purporting “Spam is a quality potted meat product made only of the most delicious butcher’s-floor ingredients.”

About a decade ago, a terrible person found a magic formula. By playing on a man’s inadequacy and a woman’s dissatisfaction, he was able to sell a placebo “enlargement” pill to one impotent and brainless bastard. He rightly figured that since it was so easy to sell to one person then it should work equally as well on a certain cross-section of the population. One person out of every thousand was desperate and dim enough to buy into this literal snake oil, fueling the flow e-mails until technology caught up. Anti-spam measures were put into place, but it was just too late. This person, infinitely ambitious, had made more than enough money to move his product into the flashy bright colored world of televised brainwashing.  At this point in time, Enzyte ads began to dominate all advertising air-time, buying up to 25% of all cable television. Enzyte’s placebo effect, greatly magnified by brainwashing, reached a dangerous level and lead to an often deadly phenomena of herbal supplement binges. This in turn lead to the death of several young children and most notably Heath Ledger.

Amway, formerly known as Quixtar, is a legal pyramid scheme that has grown exponentially in the past few years.  By forcing the sale of worthless cosmetics and water-filters upon “Independent Business Owners,” Amway makes billions every year.  The real genius of Amway is that the effect of spamming is achieved through social networks rather than at random.  By brainwashing people into believing that they can make money by helping their friends make money, Amway has been able to legitimately reach the kinds of masses that were at one point only reachable through massive-scale random e-mailings.  It is nearly impossible to explain the inner-workings and profit-sharing structure of Quixtar to an average person, but the gist of things boils down to free money upon payment of a nominal fee of only a few hundred dollars-even if the average “Independent Scam Victim” never sees a bit of profit.  Of course, even an unitelleigent person will have nothing to do with this, but like Enzyte preys on the cross-section of small-penised and small-brained impotent men, Amway is able to find its victims. In truth, Amway is no more than a legitimized pyramid scheme that has been spread through non-automated internet spam.

Satanic Plot Fiendishly Revealed. Humankind Doomed!


Nuclear weapons have been activated world-wide by Lucifer’s commando-demons, and the world is now on the brink of total destruction! As the weapons are aimed for their final, maximum destructive potential the whole of mankind will end sometime tonight, in a hail of nuclear explosions that will “most likely change the entire geography of earth.” There is no word yet on a post-apocalyptic race of mutated apes, the last ray of hope for humankind.

With the coming of Pat Robertson’s apparent death, witnesses report the Devil appeared and massacred more than 3,000 of the now-dead Religious icon’s congregation. He revealed that he had in fact been in control of Pat Robertson for his entire life and was the Anti-Christ. He asserted that Christ was actually celebrity pill-popper Heath Ledger and that there was no chance for Earth. Our analysts indicate that was just the devil’s dark humor, but our polls show 95% of people believe that Heath Ledger actually was Jesus Christ.

His paramilitary remained faithful and have been given the gift of permanent Demonhood in return for their service. Lucifer returned to hell triumphantly, being the final owner of all human souls. The magical winged paramilitary with infinite bullet clips have already killed all major urban centers’ entire population.

People in hiding have already begun resorting to suicide, perhaps out of fear, but most likely because their souls are forever lost and tormented by the dark master of evil. Every body of water has turned to blood, and fresh water is no longer even an option. Indeed the rapture is upon us and Satan has prevailed, but 666 really had nothing to do with it.

12 Year Old Overdoses on Enzyte, Commits Suicide

In what is possibly the most gruesome and terrible ad-related news in the history of the world, a young man, terribly mistaken, demasculated himself by accidentally overdosing on his father’s Enzyte. The family has asked to remain anonymous because their shame is immeasurable.The boy’s father denies ever taking Enzyte. He admits “I was just, ashamed of myself and drunk, I ordered them, and I haven’t yet again let myself reach that level of shame. I kept them, because I knew I would probably loathe myself enough to take them sometime in the near future.” He refused to submit a blood sample to the Elf Wax Times for analysis.

The boy took 5 whole shipments of Enzyte mixed into a can of beer. The carbonation and alcohol quickened the absorption of certain chemicals found in the herbal supplement which caused such an enormous rush of blood to the boys genitals that they literally burst open.

With pictures of Heath Ledger scattered around the room, and an empty bottles of pills strewn carelessly about, another sick twist to this completely Television and Movie related death reached a new depth of horror. Not only did the boy succumb to the subliminal, repetitive messages planted in his head by Enzyte, but also the suicidal tendency of his favorite actor, Heath Ledger. Toxicology reports revealed a lethal cocktail of birth-control, anti-depressants, acetaminophen, and as many as 40 Coricidin tablets were the cause of death. No legal action can be taken by Enzyte, but Heath Ledger’s corpse has been exhumed for examination.