EARTH SAVED, ARTSIFIED BY NOTORIOUS PESSIMIST

EARTH, MW–In what appeared to be simple verbal observations of nature and it’s beauty, a notorious pessimist has seemingly mended the fracture of space-time continuum, sparing humanity’s precious existence. Not much is known at this time, but experts say by just sputtering a few thoughtful words on the fruitfulness of the mountain lands, this notorious pessimist, who remains unnamed, may have singlehandedly saved billions of lives from a mad world gone wax’d.

Tragically, as a result of the spoken examinations, the world has now become overly pretentious and artsified, leaving every solitary statement to appear groundbreaking. Scientists say it appears as if our planet is now one giant, spherical, art school. They have also dreadfully mentioned that this “artsy fartsy” Earth may be worse and more harmful than it was earlier today, before the pessimist spilled his heart out about nature.

KARATE EXPERT SHATTERS HAND, BOARD, SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM


NAMEATOWN, US–A local karate expert injured his hand and pride while trying to prove his strength by breaking a wooden board with his bare knuckles. Thurston Wallace, 19, after seeing elder karate experts nonchalantly break through boards using their foreheads, realized his strength was in question and was quick to saw a fresh board, intending to destroy it. He then demanded a Colorado resident to “hold that [depletive exleted]” and repeatedly attempted to break the board with his hand.
When Wallace was finally able to break the board,

a rip in the space-time continuum was apparently torn open, leaving humanity in shambles. The rest of our footage was thoroughly destroyed and all wax has now broken loose.

More on this story here: Pessimist Saves Universe