MAN WHO RELATES TO OTHERS IRONICALLY NOW STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN SARCASTIC EMPATHY

A Las Vegas bartender was taken in for psychiatric evaluation after colleagues reached out to authorities, warning their friend’s behavior and personality had become unusually warm and relatable. Deputies agreed David Burkstrom was a threat to himself and a nearby mall where he was known to shop, and he was arrested Wednesday afternoon as he left home for work.

“I can’t talk so I guess I got nothin’ to say!”

“I stopped David as he was walking to his car” Sheriff’s Deputy Matthew Digsby said in a press conference. “I was with my partner. David raised his eyebrows. He smiled, showing us his teeth. That was when we saw life in his eyes, and that’s when I knew he was present and dangerous. We took him out.”

Authorities later admitted they had already begun tracking David when he stopped using his Kroger card and began paying for everything with cash.

In an exclusive interview with chronicle.su from his jail cell, David Burkstrum said it was getting too difficult to keep up “the whole sarcastic empathy schtick.”

I thought it would be funny if I identified with, and cared for, other people. I did it as a joke.

And it was hysterical. Months became years as brick-by-brick, David built around himself an igloo of cold irony.

Tender, loving communication washed over David’s lens to the world and blew away as though his very soul was coated in Rain-X. So did messages of hostility and outrage.

Though David could feel neither, he believed it would be funny to behave like these things got to him, because with David, that’s not what you expected.

“I’m just a husk of a man, now. I’m a hollow, bitter old log wearing the same painted on smile television whores use. I was doing a bit!”

-“David”

This article is Part 2 in a 2-part series called “Who or what am I?” written by hatesec and compiled by Dr. Angus “Mark Wright” Troubadauer.

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Man endangers himself and society after contacting inner child

Bystanders say before turning the gun on himself, Tommy fired five shots into the air, screaming, “It’s gonna be a long night.”

Roanoke, Va. — Roanoke County Deputies say they beat a man back with sticks into a cage Wednesday, after he made first contact with the monster living inside him.

“He said he spoke to his inner child,” Sheriff’s Deputy Mark Rogers told Chronicle. “That’s when I was gave the order ‘shoot to kill.’ But I said to myself, ‘No, this man’s white. There’s got to be a better way.”

First responders said the man had a “glazed, wild look in his eyes” as he was preparing to kill himself near a group of girl scouts selling cookies at the Brambleton Avenue Kroger.

“He seen who he really was,” said Dr. Armasten Troubadour, of Health Insurance Memorial Hospital. “And he just seen red.”

Authorities say Tommy Jo, a 38-year-old security camera repairman, scribbled this suicide note moments before turning the gun on himself:

You’re gonna suffer.

You’re gonna bleed.

I’m gonna scream.

I’m gonna feed.

 

Don’t call the doctor.

Don’t call no priest.

I’m the devil.

I’m disease.

Friends describe Tommy as unhinged. Some friends, eh Tommy?

Tommy is being held without bond at the Roanoke County Courthouse, where he is getting a good night’s rest, and learning to love himself again.