New Game Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 Makes Imperialism Fun Again

Hold onto your rights, because War just went global!

Respawn Entertainment, founded by top developers from Infinity Ward, maker of the bestselling Call of Duty: Modern Warfare series have announced plans to release a new game they say will allow players to enjoy the gut wrenching realism of indefinite military occupations.

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

Co-creator and sadomasochist Frank West said all people deserve to witness, and even partake in, the atrocities of war.

“We thought, why should brown people be the only ones lucky to experience the horrors of modern warfare? With Modern Occupation 2, we want to bring the nightmarish reality of war into every American’s living room.”

Vincent Zampella, co-founder of Respawn Entertainment said, “We want to move gameplay away from the kill or be killed mindset. I am fucking sick of it, you’re sick of it and we all want the emails to stop. In Modern Occupation 2, every advancement presents a gray area in which gamers are forced to make split second decisions that may affect them for the rest of their lives – in some cases, more horrifically than war itself; for instance, your character may come down with PTSD if you shoot an unarmed child. Conversely, this is likely to occur even if the child is armed.”

In a live demo, very small children carrying toys and presents walked up to the player to give him gifts of baked goods – but as it happened, Sonjay’s teddy bear actuated a thermite bomb in the bread basket, killing everyone on screen. Leading up to random events such as these, the decision to shoot on sight is in the hands of the player.

An Afghani clears away rubble, but not fast enough.
The decision to execute this man may fall on your shoulders.

Civilian kills are penalized, but if the gamer can turn a murder into an accidental suicide, or frame the bodies to look like insurgents – either by planting guns around their homes or, during online play, calling on other players to support an alibi before his commanding officer – then he will no longer face court marshal and play continues.

However unlike previous iterations of the Call of Duty franchise, which pitted gamers against the Taliban in Afghanistan and challenged them to defend Northern Virginia from Russian invaders, Zampella said Modern Occupation 2 is variably paced.

“For example, in Realistic Mode, a player may find himself standing watch for ten, twelve hours at a time – changing only to adjust for his or her declining opinion of the military industrial complex.”

Additionally, as with any occupation, the political landscape plays an important role. Players may suddenly “disappear” or find that they’ve been targeted for political assassination if, during online play for example, gamers of the same faction invaded Pakistan’s airspace to the chagrin of a terrorist-sympathizing Presidential body, dozens of Seal Team Six may be deliberately targeted for assassination by groups allied forces never expect.

West said, “War games have become so realistic by now, that if children aren’t balled up in front of their televisions in the fetal position, in fresh puddles of their own urine, then we aren’t doing our jobs right.”

A press release posted Saturday on Respawn Entertainment’s website said the company hopes to get Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2 out while images of ground-based occupations are still revolting to American audiences. Videogame industry insiders fear many gamers are becoming more rapidly desensitized with each new release, which market analysts believe could cut into profits.

American audiences were enamored by the non-stop carnage of Capcom’s mid-summer release of African Vengeance: Genocidal Rapestorm, in which gamers are challenged to saw a Somalian woman’s arms off while simultaneously gang-fucking her in a flaming blood-spattered hut, or be shot for insubordination.

“I loved circumcising young girls in the bush, but after a while it was just a button-masher,” said eleven year old Kevin Jones of Boston, Mass. When asked what changes Kevin thinks would improve upon his favorite war game, he said, “More mini games like where I get to shove hot phosphorous in my enemy’s eyes using the Wii mote. That was so fun!”

Facing stiff competition from all sides, West said they are comfortable pushing back the release of Modern Occupation 2 to give developers a chance to add features he hopes will keep bloodthirsty fans coming back for more. Some new features include torture chambers, mini-games in which the player herds civilians into cages, and various rage meters West said will gauge a character’s contempt for the people he is enlisted to protect, adding a whole new tier of depth through multipliers and hate crimes.

If pushed back, gamers can expect to unleash their xenophobia on the digital world just in time for the holiday season.

miley-cyrus-lapdance-video

Falls Church, Va.–Miley Cyrus bares all in her latest music video “I’m Becoming Brittany Spears” known for its catchy chorus, “You’ll see it even after you close eyes.”

I can’t find shit on Google Trends. What people Google is so uninteresting to me. It’s football scores – oh, and Miley Cyrus CAUGHT ON CAMERA DIGGING DISNEY PANTIES FROM ITCHY, DIRTY BUTTHOLE.

It demonstrates there isn’t much on people’s minds, at least not all at the same time. Regardless, the internet has the potential to both undo and multiply the advances of mankind, but for now, people are still using it to masturbate with. What a weird event it would be if all at once, Google was spammed with massive amounts of messages from humanity’s own collective unconscious!

HOT TRENDS INCLUDE:

  1. jailbait videos of my inner child
  2. 1
  3. 0
  4. “did you feel that?”
  5. yes this is really happening

HOT TOPICS:

  1. all time irrelevant, miley cyrus pronounced “child forever”
  2. nothing is real, except this message
  3. mainstream media not so mainstream once contrasted with galactic plane
  4. america finally satisfies its problems with war
  5. carl sagan auto tuned

Glorified beastly disaster upstairs, in the kitchen. I think it was a pot of chili but flames engulfed the stove and eventually the curtains. Nobody cares.

Pollution crept in through the floorboards this morning and we celebrated its hallucinogenic properties over a game of chess, followed by extensive blackouts.

All this, over Roseanne playing in the other room. The show was better during the original time, when the Brauny paper towel commercials ran, and at a normal volume too. We agreed that we are officially insane and conceded to lunacy, only to realize we were still in control enough to shoot guns, so we went outside. What happened next is anybody’s guess, and we lost the clip.

Later I ran outside and threw apples at a cow. It stood lazily, apples bouncing off its hollow-sounding noggin, its fat ass so content to eat them. At this, I laughed so hard I could barely stand to throw apples, which incited yet more laughter. I thought, “This must be how Hindus feel.”

And science shows that is in fact how they feel, thanks to a newly patended device by the Russian government that alters the weather patterns over Siberia as well as picking up the quantum vibrations of subtle human intent. Emotion-monitors are set to be installed on all new Segways to prevent their owner and designer from riding one over a cliff, however sources indicate there may be no way to tell if the devices will actually work, given that the Segway owner has already driven off a cliff and died on his Segway.

Tomorrow, the dawn of the nuclear apocalypse is rising and Americans have not even begun to dig any 1950s throwback bomb shelter graves, according to satellite surveillance photographs of their yards; while others appear to pray for death on an hourly basis.

Lebal Drocer Executive Jim Gray, PhD[izzle] converted his truck to a bio-diesel economy car, and later into a carbomb, inviting employees to a company picnic to have their own vehicles turned into bombs. He said the picnic bomb derby provides an opportunity for parents to engage their children.

He noted father-son activity research centers would likely see a healthy spike before sharply declining following a staunch lack of fathers and sons.

“Son, now I know your mother doesn’t want you playing with suicide devices until you’re older, but…be a man.”

Terrorism is to America what Miley Cyrus is to the adult world. A fading threat, and more of a reason to pull out than stay in at this point. One month and eleven days from now, Miley Cyrus turns 18. Until then, combat troops are still stationed in Afghanistan, South Korea, operating in Pakistan, and in some cases Sub-Saharan Africa, and the former Soviet Union.

Oh shit, I’m tripping hard. Read over this again, and take notes on why you’re wrong.

When Families Grieve – A Very Special PBS Special

Why is my daddy dead? And who is this man?
Why is my daddy dead? And who is this man?

Anytown, USA–Elmo and his muppet friends are coming on PBS tonight at 8 pm, along with Katie Couric, who is best remembered for disguising her live colonoscopy on NBC’s Today Show as investigative journalism.

In tonight’s program, Elmo and Katie Couric (also a puppet) help very young people come to grips with death by accepting it as a never-ending facet of reality. The program is sponsored by Lockheed-Martin, the world’s largest manufacturer of war machines, and industry leaders of death.

Elmo and Katie will tell stupid people how to explain government-assisted death to children, as well as coping with sadness, fear and anger – but in such a way that does not necessarily challenge the status quo. For example, one should always fear terrorists, Elmo says, but not Father dying after being sent to fight them. As well, feelings of anger should never be allowed to crystallize into rage, because this is known to lead to convictions – and, later in life – anti-government attitudes.

The adorably dangerous Elmo is seen here friendly-fire-bombing American troops to help demonstrate actual loss, and how death can strike anywhere at any time, even “unintended” targets like children at an Afghan wedding.

Elmo helps families grieve
Elmo helps families grieve

Of course, the above image is photoshopped. The burning corpse you see in Elmo’s imagination used to be a family man “in real life,” but now he is a hero. Elmo is a well-known and respected Patriot. And he helps families grieve.

BY GIVING THEM SOMETHING TO GRIEVE ABOUT.

That’s right, he really is firebombing your loved ones! This is because Sesame Street hates America and has systematically undermined her power-hungry, Emperial nature from the very beginning by propagating messages of non-violence and “understanding,” contradicting our actions overseas, and making us look weak before China and Mother Russia, outspoken violence advocates.

“At this point,” explained Admiral Mullen of the United States Army, “they may as well sabotage our new F22 Raptors, which if you’ll look behind me are– what the fuck? ELMO, NO!

This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Your PREMIERE War Contractors!

VIDEO FOOTAGE EXPOSES PENTAGON MURDER COVER-UP

Washington, D.C.–Tyler Bass reports from the 13th floor of the National Press Club as Wikileaks releases a video that allegedly proves a cover-up effort on behalf of the Pentagon, which says the actions of the soldiers involved were in accordance with the rules of engagement. The engagement occurred in 2007.

“The video, shot from an Apache helicopter gun-site, clearly shows the unprovoked slaying of a wounded Reuters  employee and his rescuers. Two young children involved in the rescue were also seriously wounded.”

“Come on, let us shoot!” “Sweet!” “Patoosh!” “Nice missile.”

Click here for a transcript of the video

Moments ago, during the State Department’s daily briefing, State Department Spokesperson P.J. Crowley declined to comment on the video, saying that he had yet to see it.

Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference
Julian Assange, editor of Wikileaks at this morning's press conference

Julian Assange, wikileaks editor spoke.

Here’s what happened:

The video footage is from a guy floating around in a helicopter, Crazyhorse One-Eight.

A Reuter’s cameraman, Namir Noor-Eldeen, lay dying in the street, he was 22. A van approaches to help him.

The Reuters cameraman is clearly unarmed.

He looks at the helicopter and sees it right as it begins firing. He tries to run away but when he darts away the gunner follows him, circling the building.

 Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.
Wikileaks' Assange looking on, Apache helicopters fire into a crowded Baghdad neighborhood, pilot "Crazy Horse" lamenting out-of-view carnage.

Innocents were in this crowded neighborhood that Crazyhorse One-Eight was firing down into, without regard for the possibility of chipping off pieces of this building and harming innocents who were walking all around it. The 30mm cannon levels a building with its gunfire, so this is a very real possibility. He sees the Reuter’s cameraman who is clearly not holding a weapon and has been pierced already by 30mm cannon-fire. Crazy Horse One-Eight can be heard begging him to pick up a weapon.

It’s really obvious it wasn’t a gun. He’s begging him to get a weapon for an excuse to shoot him – rules of engagement.

“That’s just one dude,” Crazy Horse One-Eight, “He’s fucking nuts,” according to our correspondent.

One guy in the video did have an RPG but he’s not pointing it at the helicopter and isn’t the main focus of the leaked footage, although his presence creates tension.

The military said the cameraman wandered into crossfire, a claim refuted by this leaked video evidence.

Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver
Saeed Chmagh, the van's driver

Tyler Bass said, “When the helicopter started firing, nobody was shooting anybody. So did Amir, the photographer, duck into the crossfire? No.”

The military originally reported six murders, which did not include the photographer. The real number is “over a dozen,” according to Assange. Over twice the official figure.

The story continues:

The second incident follows the cameraman. Essentially they chase some guys into the building and collapse it with gunfire, with bystanders walking around outside of it. “They want permission to engage, obviously not paying attention to what is going on – they don’t know who they are, they don’t give a shit,” Bass reported.

 The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.
The widow of murdered Reuters employee Saeed Chmagh, whose daughter has had her stature affected by a helicopter attack whose brutality was disclosed this morning.

A van, driven by a 40-year-old Saeed Chmagh, was under surveillance in a nearby neighborhood, and came to the injured photographer’s aid. Two children were in the van. One man with an AK-47 was associated with the van although the Pentagon originally reported five guns, not one [it should be noted that many non-militant individuals carry AK-47s through hostile territory for personal protection]. Two men try to help the photographer into the van, but the gunner can be heard begging for permission to shoot them.

Crazy Horse One-Eight is the offender here. Two series of shootings were discussed.

“In total what’s surprising about this is people who fire that way don’t face immediate consequences unless something like this comes out,” Tyler Bass said in a cell phone report.

They haven’t been brought out of a combat situation; this gunner’s intentions were clearly malicious; he treated it like a videogame, begging to kill.

Assange said there are good people in the military who need to speak up more on these issues.

Chmagh's little boy's injuries
Son of Reuters Saeed Chmagh's orphaned son's injuries from 30 mm Apache fire. As evidenced by footage released by Wikileaks this morning, his attacker begged for the chance to fire on the van which his father had stopped to collect an injured colleague.

This whole exposé was possible thanks to Baghdad Reuters confirming details they have. Wikileaks got those kids’ medical records. There was footage of soldiers running with these children; later our military handed them over to the Iraqi hospital, where they received inferior medical treatment, even though the military did this to them. “The guy in the van was just trying to help somebody, loading up the cameraman,” Bass reported as the video rolled before his eyes.

“It was really hard to watch, just really awful,” our correspondent said.

Summary

Important notes:

Assange produces a quote wherein one of the soldiers said they couldn’t approach in humvees because of all the bodies. But one of the guys in the helicopter actually laughs when he sees that the younger employee’s body has been run over.

“It’s really shocking, the man’s disregard for basic human dignity,” said Bass, our correspondent. “It’s not surprising at all that the Pentagon has waited this long to release the footage.”

In the video that they show, the guys in the chopper say that he shouldn’t have brought his kid into a battle. Crazyhorse One-Eight knew he shot a kid.

The children were turned over to Iraqi officials, a shirking of responsibility for what the military did to them.

Chmagh's little boy's injuries
Chmagh's little boy's injuries

The photojournalist’s death was not reported until Reuters demanded an investigation.

The number of dead originally reported was false and did not include the photographer.

Crazyhorse One-Eight was not punished, even though he violated rules of engagement.

The most important thing about Apache pilot “Crazy Horse” is that preferring insurgent kills not captures violates stated policy.

“He fucking laughed. Why is the guy who laughs at bodies being run over operating the machine gun? There is just a basic existential question there obviously some people involved in this didn’t want you to ask about the idea of this guy laughing at all of this. Frankly, the hiding of this for this amount of time is an expression of sympathy with this very sadistic individual.”
-Tyler Bass

Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. "It has changed her stature," reported Assange
Chmagh's little girl is now shorter as a result of the attack. Assange reported that it has changed her stature

ANTI-WAR PROTEST IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

ANSWER Coalition
ANSWER Coalition

Washington, D.C.–Tomorrow, Americans will march on the White House in protest of the ongoing war occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq. Demonstrators Thursday called Bush and Obama’s wars an “illegal war for empire.”

The ANSWER coalition (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) has been fined $7,500 for putting up signs in a move by the government that Brian Becker of the ANSWER Coalition said is “trying to limit or eviscerate or criminalize grassroots organizing itself.”

They were fined for handing out leaflets and putting up posters and signs, which the Department of Public Works has demanded the organization’s members remove.

Becker said that for eighteen months they have been targeted, accumulating between seventy and eighty thousand dollars in fines.

President of Veterans for Peace Mike Ferner said, “We will not be leaving Iraq and Afghanistan unless enough people in this country stand up.”

Organizers say the Afghanistan conflict is “Obama’s War,” just as Iraq was Bush’s war, and there is no difference between the two Presidents’ war policies.

Becker said a growing number of people oppose “the expanding war in Afghanistan, the continued occupation Afghanistan, [and] the continued occupation of Iraq.”

Cindy Sheehan, who garnered public attention in 2005 for camping outside President Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Tex. said, “Some people have abandoned the antiwar movement, have abandoned peace, since Obama’s been president. But we need to re-create a movement.”

Pondolfino of Military Families Speak Out said Thursday, “I’m the proud mother of an active-duty infantry soldier…We love and support our troops. And it is because we do that we will vocally show our opposition whenever our government sends them to ill-advised, immoral, unwinnable wars.”

Tyler Bass will report in to The Elf Wax Times via cell-phone, sending large photographs of the demonstration as it unfolds throughout the day, starting in LaFayette park across the street from the White House, and throughout the march on Washington in which tens of thousands of people are expected to participate.

Victory in Iraq!

ZombieTime.Com proclaimed victory in Iraq yesterday, and celebration has rippled through the Conservative blogosphere. In a complicated modern world, it’s important that we mark events in black and white, and know where we stand. If we want victory, we must respect ZombieTime.Com’s decision to be the official decider of victory. That’s why Lebal Drocer has decided to financially* back VI day as it will be known in the annals of history. The Middle East stands on a razor edge between Theocratic Totalitarianism and Western Cultural Transformation. Join us in the virtual ticker tape parade as the troops don’t come home and enjoy victory while nothing about their situation has changed. We’ll make sure that Obama Commie gets no credit when the troops come home.

History will look upon VI day for the great triumph of the modern age of Imperialism that it truly is. Rumors have spread that Russia is already planning Victory in Georgia day, as they train nuclear weapons upon Poland.

*All Lebal Drocer’s Funds

AL QAEDA LEADER IN IRAQ NOT CAPTURED

On an unrelated note, the War will continue.The man suspected to be the Al Qaeda leader in Iraq was found snoozing in a house in the Northern city of Mosul. The man confessed to being the owner of the long, unpronounceable name shown above but the military has yet to confirm whether or not he’s a lying sack of shit. There’s a chance that these men are trained to lie about their rank in order to throw off our forces, but that’s why they’re working on figuring out exactly who he is. There is a bounty on his head for $5 million so if they wanted to save time figuring out whether or not he’s the man, a guard could check on him periodically from outside the cage to see if there is shit all down the backs of his legs.More as this story develops.

Elf Wax Update [Editor’s Edition]: I was right.

BAGHDAD — “We can confirm that we do not have al-Masri in custody,”Major Peggy Kageleiry,U.S.forces spokeswoman said today in an e-mail.Yes, that’s right, she sent out an e-mail.Sources say it was sent through the popular social networking site, MySpace, a Rupert Murdoch company.

You heard it yourselves.The $5 million man was not caught yesterday and what’s more is that U.S. forces believe he may have already been killed – twice – in the last two years, first during a raid on al-Anbar in October 2006 and later in the town of Taji on May 1, 2007 so it should come as no surprise, then, that they thought he was captured yesterday.Elf Wax Times Military Analcyst Harry Woodcock estimates that al-Masri will be “bombed, exploded, shot three times, and re-captured twice before 2010,” but Woodcock then warned that the man will remain “at large”.Military officials hail al-Masri’s resilience as “commendable” and are elevating him to the legendary status of Terror itself (the entity at whichAmericais indefinitely at war).In an Elf Waxclusive Interview, Major Kageleiry baldly stated:

“Despite being killed twice and now captured, al-Masri is still out there, like Terror, a creepin’ and a crawlin’, and a lurkin’ through Google Earth to learn the street patterns of America’s homeland subdivisions, so that Charlie may more effectively bring this War on Terror—I mean Freedom—no wait, I mean Terror, yeah, into your own back yard.You’re gonna edit that out, right?We’ll PATRIOT Act your ass!”

Until every terrorist leader, subordinate and grunt who may succeed his slaughtered Commanding Officer is eradicated, the War will continue unabated, or until someone realizes that shooting into the darkness at Specters is a waste of time, energy, morale and resources, and not to mention a failure in the application of logic to the art of war.It makes a country look pretty fucking dumb when it loses to itself in a war against nobody, standing out in the desert, swatting at invisible enemies before finally falling on its ass like a helpless drunk.But don’t blame the soldiers, those tough motherfuckers can’t help that their leaders are guided by tunnel-vision and fluked reasoning.Still, history has shown us that even a moron can successfully engage in war.Only a true fool, then, could take the most powerful military in the world and with it, break its master nation, the homeland, down into a nervously bumbling, on-edge State ofFearand Loathing.

This son of a bitching fuck-up in hasty judgment over al-Masri is just one more example of how this shit is allowed to go on.Either way, the message that leaks through the mass media looks like this:“We got a terrorist, oh wait, no we don’t, Terror’s still alive, we must keep fighting!” or “We captured a terrorist!The War on Terror is working, people.Remain complacent,America.The government is in control.”

When will you bastards learn to think for yourselves…?God in Heaven, save the Earth and bring on the Nukes, but leaveChinaout of this.All they know how to do is poison food.No, we need to Nuke something more poisonous, more dangerous, more contrary to human existence.BombIceland.

This is the War on Terror and expect more of it, Dear Readers, because our economy is not yet at its knees, no it’s only been whipped into a slump for now, but give it time and all that overhead swatting will finally throw us off-balance.Then we’ll really have a reason for war.The hungry will rise up, and challenge the guardians of what last little bit gas is left; gas that is now set to hit $4.00 by summertime (thank the gas companies for using the war as an excuse for added inflation).That will happen in your back yard, becauseAmerica is smartly, or perhaps not-so-smartly hording what will eventually be the last of the gas.So naturally, the safest place on earth at that time will be any small island, whichever is farthest from that crude shit.

On an unrelated note, the War will continue.