Jesus resurrected for Nazi Zombies 2

Zombie Jesus
Zombie Jesus

Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, has returned from the dead, making a cameo appearance in the Nazi Zombies update.

The Second Coming, sponsored by Sony and Red Bull, will feature strobe lights and the surviving members of Lynyrd Skynyrd attempting to cover songs off Slayer’s hit album Christ Illusion. Some analysts expect “mediocre” renditions of Supremist, “at best.”

Long-time fans of the Nazi Zombies mini-game featured in Call of Duty: World at War “can’t wait to shoot Jesus.”

Said little Jimmy Tinsley, “I’m gonna bury that cock-a-roach!” in a Cuban accent.

Videogame experts say Nazi Zombies is “the only feature that makes the game worth buying,” because “the actual game sucks.” Videogame experts are not paid for their work, however, and their opinions are invalid – since no one cares about what oily people living under their parents’ bedroom think.

It’s been a long-standing rumor that Jesus Saves, and XBOX and PlayStation 3 owners will be pleased to discover that killing Jesus will unlock a very useful achievement trophy: the ability to state-save Nazi Zombies – an ability that won’t actually affect the random-item box, but saves asses nonetheless.

Theologian Hunter T. Stockton said putting Jesus in a videogame, in which he resurrects, “The Second Coming,” only to stuff a shotgun in his mouth is horrifying to Christians and likely to result in petitions, protests and possible banning of all Treyarch games worldwide.

Treyarch, who are dedicated to making shitty, broken versions of once-great titles such as Call of Duty 4, said Christians could “stuff it” and ignorantly suggested they “go back to Christania.” What Treyarch’s spokesperson failed to realize is that Christians actually originate from a land of fantastic superstition known as Christland – where all prayers are answered within 24-48 hours, regardless of their effect on the natural progression of life as we know it.

Fans can find Jesus down their sights starting Monday, August 10th, 2009.

Intelligent Design to End Life on Earth

All carbon based life is set to be destroyed within the next year.  A new biological system has been designed by top scientists which is at least a million times more efficient than anything currently designed through natural selection. Some Scientists have dubbed this new line of evolution Life 2.0.

A new type of cell similar to bacteria will be the earliest ancestor of every life form on Earth, causing the final demise of all carbon based life.  Within only a few thousand years the first bacterium will have already evolved into a set of organisms creating an ecosystem equally as diverse and thriving as today’s crippled ecosystem.

By integrating organic nano-computers into an all new digital silicon cell design, evolution for the new bacterium has already been mapped out carefully by top scientists at MIT. DNA and random copying of life has been holding progress back for billions of years, but it will for no longer. Scientists claim that human suffering will be limited, but skeptics exist within the project.

The worst case scenario, according to Professor Frank Shawlsberg is that “[The artificial bacterium] will seek out water and then invade our body and kill us in a matter of minutes. Our corpses may then possibly be animated in an attempt to find new hosts.” He also made it very clear that there would be no holding out from the zombies anywhere, and that the entire world must succumb at some point.

Of course, other scientists stress that this “possible zombie situation” would be the first step in our evolution towards the a utopia where humans are all three feet tall and have brains selected to be larger and larger as time goes on.

Conspiracy theorists have already decided that these heavily engineered brains may cause intense schizophrenia in over 90% of Life 2.0’s future population. This population, delusional and seeking sanity would create time-hopping saucers and figure out the wonders of our more functional natural design. Failing at this, they have apparently resorted to molestation of rednecks and possibly their livestock.

Religion 101

There is nothing wrong with religion. I have no problem with religion. Religious people, on the other hand, are a different story.

Why can’t someone go to church, rejoice, pray, go home, and keep their beliefs to themselves?

Why can’t religious people simply enjoy their religion, without trying to force it on other people, or judging other people according to their religious beliefs?

Case in point; the current situation at Heritage Christian School in northwest Ohio. For those of you not familiar with this situation, I will give you a brief summary:

17 year old Tyler Frost is a senior at Heritage Christian School, and is planning on going with his girlfriend to the prom at her school, Findlay High School (a public high school). Findlay High School requires students from other schools to get a signature from the principal at their school before they can attend the Findlay High School prom. Tyler went to the Heritage Christian School principal (Tim England) to get permission to go to the Findlay High School prom with his girlfriend. Principal England signed the permission form for Tyler to attend the prom. The school committee, which is made up of church members, issued a statement informing Tyler that if he attends the Findlay High School prom, he will be suspended, and will not be allowed to graduate, and will have to re-take his senior year at another high school the following school year. Their justification for doing this was because there would be rock music at the Findlay prom, and that “rock music is part of the counterculture which seeks to implant seeds of rebellion in young people’s hearts and minds”.

Yes, you read that correctly.

Now, do these people really believe that God would want them to ruin the future of a young man for going to a prom at a public school? Apparently they do, because they are steadfast in their position, and refuse to change.

What happens to these people when they discover religion? How does going to church make them feel like they are somehow in a position of authority over other people? Why do these people feel the need to ram their beliefs down the throats of other people?

What about the muslims, who are so consumed by their religious beliefs, that they blow themselves up just to kill a few people who don’t agree with their religious beliefs?

Wow…….is all I can say to that.

I believe the problem here, is that some people are just not mentally strong enough to be exposed to religion.

Black hole unlocks quantum secret to cosmos, accretes Earth

This evening, a black hole instantly spawned inside our solar system. The event occurred so suddenly that scientists have not been able to determine its preconditions, but more presently, they are concerned with how humanity will go about tackling this catastrophic phenomenon of rapidly-impending doom.
Two brave Elf Waxtronauts

Commented Stan Stientenblauer, the Pentagon’s leading astrophysicist and top scientist on the case reported to the press moments ago that, “It’s dangerous to the Earth. It is also dangerous to humanity and her precious, precious domination over all of Mother Nature. Our clocks are beginning to speed up but our perception of time is slowing down. Tomorrow’s traffic report is not looking good. And you can forget about Monday.”

This small Virginia town is writhing in turmoil. To escape the confusion of what is shaping up to be True Armageddon, Roanoke citizens have taken to their televisions, watching emergency reruns of Frasier, Lost, and 24. Some have ordered pizzas. Some are on a savage looting spree Downtown. Other citizens, like Leesa Brenner, a Roanoke Junior High School teacher told E.W. Times reporters from her front porch, “I Just want to put this whole mess behind us.” Her ex-husband but live-in boyfriend, carpenter Steve Crowe, threw his hand up to the sky, and announced, “It’s time to get on with life.”

The couple would not agree to any further questioning and went back into their home, where Maury could be overheard declaring someone the father of an unwanted child. Overhead, the black hole can be seen clearly in the evening daylight. Streaming sheets of rearranged matter clouds together perfectly from all directions into the vacuum of the all-consuming abyss, and growing exponentially. Doctor Raymond Sexjoy has warned of a highly-inevitable spaghettification due to set in within twenty-five minutes, pursuant to our crossing of the event horizon, due to take place just moments after the upcoming opening credits to The Simpsons. Commenting on humanity’s ability to control the crisis, Sexjoy said, “Oh heavens no. We’re all fucked,” as he lit a cigarette, and twisted morbidly out of proportion until he exploded apart into a stream of atoms.

More as this develops into Hawking radiation.