Reporters Fired Worldwide

Elf Wax Tech Watch is a new segment in which technological trends are examined in depth. Today’s article is how “virtual literacy” relates to the now dead newspaper industry.

Technological change has widely shut down newspapers for the past decade, and today the last paid reporter has punched his clock for the last time. Nobody has reported a word on the issue, but the blogosphere is rampant with rumors and speculation of what actually has just happened. Among most bloggers, the consensus is that youTube is far more effective at spreading news than text. Stupidly, this statement was made on textual blogs, which are next in line after newspapers for total extinction.

The pseudo-literacy of youTubers is obvious in a quick scan of any video’s comments. Has literacy, like the watch, been replaced by new devices? Sure, no one carries pointless watches, because cell phones keep the time and do other things too. They record what happens, transfer it around the place, and with a camera it takes the least of human effort. YouTube might be the newest kind of literacy, because who needs writing when there’s a video of what just happened? Skip the explanation, no time for that in the modern world. Let’s see the police brutality caught on tape.

At some point, the only vestiges of literacy will be txt spk, an abbreviated form of English almost without vowels. In future high schools, students will read Moby Dick on their cell phones in a summarized and abbreviated form. Rather than writing a book report, they will youTube their reflections and leave their classmates taunting and barely-intelligible cmnts.

Their will be one glorious moment in our future where humans no longer have to communicate for themselves and computers will automatically perform all necessary communications so as not to burden the puny human brain. Computers are already set to do all the heavy-lifting for society, soon they’ll do the communicating, so now it’s just time to teach them to flip burgers and cut hair.

Bigfoot the Martian

New analysis of Mars rover imagery by the college-educated geniuses at NASA has revealed stunning new proof of life on Mars. The mysterious nature of the creature, as it looks back at the rover with its strange gait and human-like curiosity makes it 100% sure to Nasanauts that it is indeed Bigfoot. Could he be investigating the monuments of Cydonia? This much is true: Bigfoot must be much more clever than we are. The Bigfoot have made it to Mars, and probably have gotten as far as Jupiter, which begs the question: Jupitorians are definitely Bigfoot. Somehow they have overcome all physical limitations through some sort of “Mind Over Matter.” Next time you see Bigfoot disappear behind some trees, do not follow him, or you may end up walking out from a cave on Mars, and hell, if you don’t die instantly from the life-forbidding conditions, Bigfoot may kill you. That would make you the 3rd person to ever have been eaten by Bigfoot. Thank you for visiting Elf Wax, your Marinoia Depot.