The film you are about to see may shock and disturb you, especially as a DPRK national living on US soil (God help you).
It is the sad duty of [ALL SOVCHRON EDITORIAL STAFF] to fulfill the wishes of Our Dear Leader who shares the opinion that there is simply no other alternative than to illuminate the hidden perils of the Western Imperialists and their pernicious threat to our glorious nation.
You may feel compelled to look away during certain moments, but for the Glory of God do not avert your eyes!
These revelations are the direct result of the miraculous visions of Our Eternal President who, in his eternal wisdom, commissioned intellectual observers [spy nationals] to Seoul for evidence collection of this threat against the DPRK and innocent citizens worldwide.
Pyongyang–The most powerful person on Earth, the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il has entered the next phase of consciousness Monday, where he rules the heavens with unforgiving, merciless love. The North Korean leader died of a heart attack.
Kim Jong-il, who recently guest starred in a reality TV show wherein participants traded places with their higher-ups, died of a heart attack during his morning transit to the dogmeat factory. While forced to ride on a train without breakfast to his seventh twelve hour shift of the week, the Dear Leader’s heart stopped before reaching his destination.
Jong-il’s death went unnoticed for at least forty five minutes until totalitarian overlords sent out a search party and bloodhounds to retrieve him for work duty. The dogs reportedly tore his carcasses to pieces and ate most of the remains.
Details are, as yet, unconfirmed because international calls are still forbidden, punishable by death, and must remain within the boundaries of Stalin’s last playground – North Korea, where all people are all the same in the eyes of the Great Successor and peacefully suffer never-ending hell marches in perfect equality.
“Unlike our enemy neighbors,” said state spokesperson Min Il-Suk, “North Korea enjoys a prosperous human cloning program. Which is why we are pleased to announce Kim Jong-un! HAIL THE GLORIOUS NEW LEADER!“
After the collapse of the Soviet Union, North Korea suffered heavily until Kim Jong-il bravely horded all the money in the country and used it to suppress both hunger and uprisings.
The United States has nearly 30,000 troops in South Korea, ready to raid the North, where it is feared Kim Jong-un could likely empty the nation’s coffers into its people, wasting valuable war funds on food or medical supplies for the unseen poor dying in gutters and alleys.
Analysts monitor the situation closely to be sure North Korea doesn’t “try any shit.” There is little to no mention in the weak-hearted mainstream American media of Monday’s short range missile test, whose effects could soon be felt.
North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.
“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”
A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.
This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.
With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.
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