Rodong Sinmun

No Nuclear Umbrella

Dear Leader

PYONGYANG– The U.S., noisily advertising about its commitment to provision of nuclear umbrella, is stuffing its latest nuclear war equipment into south Korea.

Unaware of what a miserable fate is befalling on them, the south Korean puppets are running headlong into an adventure of attacking the DPRK on a nuke war chariot of the U.S.

Backed by outside forces, they are hell-bent on igniting a nuclear war against the DPRK.

Some time ago, the U.S. suddenly activated its nuclear strategic bomber B-2A to make a sortie to the air of the Korean Peninsula from the U.S. mainland to commit drills of striking a ground target and transferred stealth fighters F-22 Raptors to south Korea from the U.S. air force base at Kadena, Okinawa.

Prior to it, formation of the U.S. nuclear strategic bomber B-52 repeatedly flew to south Korea to stage DPRK-targeted actual nuclear strike drills and its nuclear-powered submarine Cheyenne that had carried out the task of preemptive attack in the 2003 Iraqi war staged joint sea drills with the south Korean puppets.

Of late, the U.S. dispatched interceptor missile-loaded Aegis destroyers John S. McCain, Decatur and the mobile sea radar for detection of ballistic missiles “SBX-1” to the waters around the Korean Peninsula, driving the situation close to a threshold of war.

In a din to provoke a nuclear war against the DPRK, the warmongers converted south Korea into an unprecedented showplace of the U.S. nuclear arms.

It is not a mere saber-rattling, but a prelude to war.

It is utterly silly for the south Korean puppets to want to evade from a shower of our nuclear strike under the nuclear umbrella of their U.S. master.

Now, the U.S. cannot afford to take care of its stooges.

The U.S. has so far swaggered that its existing missile defense system is strong enough to counter the missile threat from north Korea.

But, recently the U.S. gave up even a plan to deploy its MD system in Europe and additionally established its interceptor missile system to defend the mainland.

The south Korean puppets also know its reason well probably.

All has changed today.

Our nuclear deterrent has been boosted up in both quality and quantity. The character of confrontation between the DPRK and the U.S. changed fundamentally.

Of late, U.S. military experts sneered at the remarks of the U.S. Defense Secretary that the U.S. army can undoubtedly protect the U.S. and south Korea from the North’s nuclear threat. They warned that in case the DPRK applies a more singular method, the counter of the U.S. and south Korea would become more miserable and the moment when the North decides to strike, the U.S. would spend very appalling hours.

They made really meaningful comments.

DPRK’s nuclear shower will break the U.S. nuclear umbrella so mercilessly that the warmongers cannot even repent of anything.

Final Shuttle Launch Signifies Total Apathy Toward Human Progress

Two young girls disregard the final space shuttle launch at Cape Canaveral, Fla.CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla.–The United States of America celebrated her total commitment to all-out, Earth-only war Friday following the final launch of the NASA Space Shuttle.

The launch, regarded as “obligatory, ceremonial hoo-ha” by U.S. Army General and designate Director of the CIA General Patreus, went off without a hitch.

Over 1 million spectators uninterestedly watched the final launch of America’s space shuttle program.

“Finally, I can stop pretending to give a shit about space,” said Gunther Reed, 43, who witnessed the final lift-off a few hundred yards away. Reed rolled his eyes as he casually threw up his hands when his children screamed maniacally during lift-off.

Analysts predict Americans will soon be forced to disregard entirely new facets of reality, lest they appear over-informed, and thus, un-American.

“I think now that space is out of the picture, I can safely stop caring about more pressing matters such as global economics,” said Dean Shelton, 48, a plant worker in one of America’s last operating factories, located in Canton, N.C.

Thousands of workers will be laid off after the shuttle returns to earth, and will not return to work because an American space program is “just pointless,” as American President Barack Obama had this to say:

“What are we going to do in space, anyway? Discover new worlds – ancient planets with more fossil fuels and rare-earth minerals than we know what to do with? Possibly make contact with multi-celled organisms in nearby star-systems? This, I feel, is no longer America’s role. That’s China’s problem now. A new more glorious dawn awaits. Not a sunrise, like a nuclear blast, but a galaxy-rise. A morning filled with 400 billion guns – the rising of enlisted gays. Iran, we’re comin’ for you. We gon’ find you. We gon’ find you.”

As the President’s speech descended into an auto-tuned mockery of tree-hugging Nature lovers, astronomy enthusiasts and Iranian nationalists, he referenced YouTube cat videos he favorited in the past, as well as the Rebecca Black cover-up – and even prank-called Sabu, supposed leader of LulzSec, connecting him to a three-way conference call with incumbent Leader and Guide of the Revolution of Libya Muammar Gaddafi.

Obama reportedly facilitated the purchase of five Farmhouse Bread sandwiches from the mysterious hacker and arranged an exchange in the order of millions of bitcoins for rare access to Interpol’s collection of bomb recipes and child pornography to Gaddafi in a move political analysts described as “gut-wrenching, tactless and having absolutely nothing at all to do with the space launch.”

A man waits impatiently for the space shuttle to launch
Gunther Reed, 43, waits impatiently for the final space shuttle to launch so he can get back to his buddy's place and smoke pot.

The Associated Press reported it will be at least three years – possibly five or more – before astronauts are launched again from U.S. soil. But only on the technicality that NASA’s funding is to be concentrated on turning people into projectile explosives which can be fired inconspicuously as fleshy missiles, undetectable by radar with the potential to inflict unprecedented destruction on important military targets in mainland China.

Former NASA Administrator Michael Griffin lamented the loss of America’s leadership in space. “For us to abandon that in favor of nothing is a mistake of strategic proportions,” he said.

But war is more important, which is why it has become USA’s number one export – because what impetus for space travel is there when we haven’t even poisoned Earth yet with global thermonuclear war?

“Space is for the elite,” said President Obama. “The American elite. And one fine day, we’ll take off again. The richest and the wealthiest people on Earth will someday board a glorious Generation Ship to Proxima Centauri, soon after we destroy this beautifully marbled rarity perched in the vast dark ocean of infinity. And we’ll leave your asses in the dust, conquering and destroying new worlds while you rot here, in this Hell we are creating for you each and every day, one war at a time.”

“I’m a little bit sad about it and a little bit wistful,” said Jennifer Cardwell, 38, who came with her husband, John, and two young sons from Fairhope, Ala. “I’ve grown up ignoring the space program, and now I have to find something new to stop giving a fuck about.”

The outlook is bleak, but with only war, low wages and receding global influence to think about, a random survey of Americans indicates citizens may feel obligated to double up on their reality TV shows and high fructose corn syrup products to remain as apathetic as they once were before the decline of NASA’s space shuttle program.

The next five years will see an influx of orange people with gelled hair and inferiority complexes, as well as phenomenons in the 24-hour news cycle in which viewership will become inversely proportional to the usefulness of CNN, Headline News and MSNBC.

North Korean weapon vessel turns around, "left the stove on"

Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1
Highly technological super-frigate Kang Nam 1

North Korean ship, Kang Nam 1, suspected by the US military of carrying missile parts to Myanmar has unexpectedly turned around and appears to be heading home. Intelligence reports the ship’s captain allegedly left the gas burning on the stove in his flat.

“It could start a fire,” said one analyst, Ernest H. Way, at Elf Wax Research Laboratories (Memphis, Tn.). The fire could then spread to other apartments in his building, Way said, “and that would be terrible.”

A fire is something like a weapon of mass destruction. It causes damage, and if placed in the right spot, can cause massive, widespread damage. North Korea has already stated it will “rain a nuclear fireshower upon the US” is provoked by an “attack.” Scientists are trying to determine if the North Koreans will consider an accidental kitchen-fire to be an official attack by the United States. Most scientists are reportedly finding that it will, and the United States will be punished justly.

This comes after North Korea tested an underground nuclear weapon in May, against UN regulations. As the world recoiled in shock and disgust, the United States said, “Awwuh aww! I’m tellin’.” Defiantly, North Korea has placed a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska onto its launch pad. This time, the United States has quietly stated it is prepared to intercept the missile using highly-flawed and significantly unsuccessful anti-ballistic missile defense systems stationed in the Pacific.

With nothing left to do, the world can but sit back and wait to see if the Taepodong-2 is carrying a nuclear warhead, and if it will reach US soil.

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