Lebal Drocer, attorney at law says: Just use a ‘burner’ phone, bro

Noam Chomsky said “society is to be dismantled and replaced with nothing by sundown” in a recently typed order to his black bloc legion.

Lebal Drocer attorneys have blacked out all windows and severed communications from the outside. Through a one-way radio, Raleigh T. Hatesec barks orders to a pig army, starving for his attention.

Armed gunmen are closing in on the premises from no general direction, really – just gunning for power pigs and capitalist pimp hustlers – and they threaten to take over the means of production!

What is to be done about these unapologetic miscreants? Why, name them on Twitter, I say. DOX THEM into the system! YOU CAN NOT FIGHT THE SYSTEM! YOU ARE BECOME MY SYSTEM NOW.

No, that’s … too sinister. I won’t allow it.

Make it more so the people we destroy are toxic threats to total disorder.  We’ll herd them into ‘stables’ where things are chill, and totally fine what goes on inside.

That’s what the good men and beautiful women of Lebal Drocer say! And it bears repeating.

The people we destroy are toxic threats to disorder.

This is an erroneous interpretation of pure anarchy. Let’s give it some love, though, for Lebal Drocer, Inc.

They paraded those women out like cats, didn’t they? The beautiful women of Lebal Drocer are rumored to appear on this year’s Soviet Catwalk, новости where Jessica will finally give us a glimpse into the musical number for which she has been practicing since her mother and father put her to work learning violin, at age 4. She, and her people, have come so far since back then.

That’s all for Internet Chronicle tonight. Please join us again as we self-investigate an invented troll crisis dressed as the trolls themselves! KILGOAR Reports LIVE from the inside (of many fine ladies)!

Chomsky said (he said this directly to me): Read widely.

Well, I have news for you, Mr. Chomsky, I’m reading as wide as I can, and the WALL STILL AIN’T LONG ENOUGH.

Raleigh T. Hatesec

The root’nest and toot’nist mean one of the bunch

Neoliberal partnerships advance chronicle.su agenda ‘one step closer to peaceful annihilation’

Lebal Drocer, Inc. Zombie Apocalypse Edition
It was just cats, everywhere: Kilgoar
hatesec is a cat on the internet

The Internet Chronicle has combined forces with Hate Security by Hatesec Enterprises, a Lebal Drocer affiliate.

The new partnership’s dual purpose is to simultaneously hack your iPhone using powerful, state-of-the-art decryption techniques, and provide a propaganda mouthpiece for the ruling elite, who got that way because they have earned it.

You’re reading it here first: Reading chronicle.su is not just emotionally harmful, it is now a national security concern. You should have read our privacy policy.

There are doubts.

“Damn, son. Ya know you done fucked up, right?” – kilgoar

But through our efforts, We, the people will rise up against the tyranny of chronicle.su, and restore order to an otherwise verdant, and peaceful world.

It is for that reason that we preemptively name this day “Victory Day” to commemorate mankind’s erasure of everything but the myriad black memories of atrocities carried out by The Internet Chronicle. This is like, the 9/11 of chronicle.su right now. I mean, we are seizing the means of production. You know? This place.

Never Forget.

[Pause here for a moment of silence]

[Thank you]

Now let’s see what’s inside those phones!

hatesec out

*drops the mic*

chronicle.su is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer, INC.

Lebal Drocer board calls diversity proposal ‘unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding’

Lebal Drocer Diversity Report 2015 - The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.

lebal-drocer-dismisses-diversity-proposalThe company, like other big tech firms, has been criticized for being mostly male and predominantly white.

Last year, Lebal Drocer CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers praised a diverse workplace. He said diversity is “whatever, pretty good I guess,” adding that having colored folk around, and women, could improve the company’s image.

But Lebal Drocer’s board of directors opposes a new proposal to increase diversity among its white, cis male-dominated Alpha Management team at the top.

The proposal, submitted by Lebal Drocer shareholder Lequita McNority, would require an aggressive recruitment policy to change the company’s demographic makeup.

“You can’t say anything anymore.”

Lebal Drocer

The board rejected it, saying it is “unduly burdensome and kind of gay sounding,” according to an announcement sent last week ahead of its February shareholder meeting held each month in the basement of a Richmond, Va. gentleman’s club.

There are eight people on Lebal Drocer’s board. They are all white, bearded men, except for Lequita who got the job because she was “at one time, always down to fuck.” Her diversity proposal, the company says, sounds just like something a woman would do.

Lebal Drocer’s executive team, like many major tech and chemical firms, is united by a common struggle: being a white male minority in a crazy, mixed up world of political correctness.

Lebal Drocer insists that it is doing its part to improve the stats:

Lebal Drocer has demonstrated to shareholders its commitment to whitewashing anything having to do with inclusion and diversity, which – as we continue to reiterate, but just like a woman not to listen – are core values for our company. Our 2015 diversity report reveals that 69% of the company is male and 31% are males who identify as women. So back the fuck up, shitlords.”

Lebal Drocer Diversity Report 2015 - The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.
The pay grade for employees who identify as women is reduced in proportion to their femininity.

The board said its efforts are already much “broader” than what’s requested in the proposal.

“We already hire coloreds: We have an efficient, proud janitorial staff at Lebal Drocer headquarters in Cuthbert, and a fantastic team of secretaries composed of some of the most beautiful women in Atlanta.”

Lebal Drocer did not immediately respond to a request for comment, but they did pay us to write this article.

Dank new product from Lebal Drocer, Inc: lead-free water bottled at shrinking edge of Antarctic glaciers

Wage Jihad on Your Thirst
with #ICES Brand Melted Glacier Water

Lead-free product!
Lead-free product!

 

New lead-free, barrel-aged Antarctic glacier water from Lebal Drocer lets you drink CONTINENTS!

Lebal Drocer is proud to announce a neoliberal partnership with HAARP, Nestle and corruptresourceful Michigan governor Rick Snyder.

The shadowy global weather experimentation agency works with Lebal Drocer to create intentional patterns of global warming across key areas over Antarctica to produce the world’s purest water – straight from the #ICES of antarctica – by warming the regions directly over that bullshit continent no one was using anyway.

It is by this insidious, clever means Lebal Drocer is able to produce magical, clean water for the destitute and poisoned innocent victims of corporate greedProgress! as well as state and local tyranny. Oh boy! Here’s the thrust!

Wage Jihad on Thirst
with #ISIS Brand Water, from Lebal Drocer Laboratories.

Chillary Clinton leadwater coozies
Use a Chillary Clinton Cool Coozie to keep your lead-free water from Lebal Drocer, Incorporated nice and chill, bros.

“Hot, hot hate alone will not warm the oceans,” warned Dr. Languish H. Brightsun, lead researcher for an independent, state-sponsored studdy by Governor Snyder. Brightsun spoke on condition of payment in their neighborhood of 24 cases of pure, clean bottled water. Brightsun said the results show global warming is good for people, and great for profits. “Having secured independent funding from Lebal Drocer, I now have a promising future in manipulating statistics for years to come, at any human cost.”

Brightsun said he and his team are creating premium waterparks, and profiting from the development.

“Tropical resorts for the 1% are appearing in every flooded area HAARP creates,” Troubadour said. “And we are proud to announce construction of an advanced, Roman-style aqueduct connecting Flint, Michigan back to the Detroit water supply. I mean, you know things are bad when an entire city is begging for Detroit water. Flint residents have unknowingly agreed to use the same pipes as the infamous aqueducts, which provide +40% food with each level of growth in one of Detroit’s most disadvantaged cities. Wow, that was a long quote!”

With help from Governor Snyder, Lebal Drocer is here to profit from that. #ICES Leadfree Water fills a growing need for pure water across all food deserts throughout Flint, Michigan.

Each bottle of pristine, glacier-sourced water will cost an affordable $4.50 cents per 20-ounce bottle. MANY THANKS TO OUR HELPERS AT CNN, MSNBC, FOX NEWS, AND NBC FOR PROMOTING #ISIS WORLDWIDE, FOR LEGITIMIZING THEIR PURPOSE AND PROMOTING REASONABLE DISCUSSION OF BOMBINGS ON THIS HOLIDAY OF PEACE, THE CHRISTMAS OF OUR LORD BABY JESUS. AMEN.

Buy this water, though.

Wage Jihad on thirst, with #ICES Premium Hatewater

Now 100% lead-free, shipped thousands of miles to quench your selfish, Western thirst.

Chronicle Hate Water is a Lebal Drocer Product. Any attempt to steal our intellectual properties will be matched by a production face-off in China, where we will double down on neoliberal aggression and enslave whoever it takes to make a cheaper product.

Microaggressions against Lebal Drocer are punishable by mutilation or death.

Drink lead water today – and melted Antarctica tomorrow! Pour that shit on your face and titties, you filthy animals! WE OWN YOU LIKE LIVESTOCK. You DIRTY ANIMALS!

Lebal Drocer ‘Pain-Spray’ Offers Cheap, Easy Solution to Complex Emotional Trauma

LEBAL DROCER

Grieving? Destitute? Has the cruel pointlessness of life got you down? Teachers, preachers and therapists might offer tedious solutions with no guaranteed success. Don’t just sit there and “pray” the pain away. Now you can Spray the pain away — with SprayPain!

Lebal Drocer SprayPain

New from Lebal Drocer Laboratories, SprayPain takes the hassle out of overcoming emotional turmoil. Use SprayPain to get rid of unsightly pain related to any agonizing condition:

Tragic loss of life!

Death of a pet!

Abandonment issues!

Funeral bombings!

Even failed marriage!

With SprayPain, every single thing you can think of that causes pain becomes a little, ticklish gift from God – in a bottle!

Lebal Drocer

Spray away pain away. Come again another dark day.

SprayPain is a Lebal Drocer Product.
This message is brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.
We own everything that matters.

Lebal Drocer will face ‘serious PR consequences’ for human rights abuses, continuous poisoning of rivers

LEBAL DROCER
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined giving a fuck during an official press conference.
Scientists at Lebal Drocer Laboratories declined giving a fuck during an official press conference.

The American magazine Foreign Policy disclosed shortly ago that a Lebal Drocer soldier who mercilessly killed 16 innocent civilians in Roanoke, Virginia – including women and children – was prone to abusing the reality-altering designer drug TerrorBloc. TerrorBloc, or ‘TB’, is a cheap TerrorMax alternative synthesized by a dangerous offshoot of Lebal Drocer Pharmaceuticals, whose labs operate deep beneath the earth.

For some time, friends and family said, the Lebal Drocer Agent was addicted to alcohol and marijuana before graduating to TerrorBloc, a drug so maddening reports estimate it has caused some 45,000 deaths this year alone.

The new report, put out by the rebel group People’s Army of Lebal Drocer, sheds light on nefarious activities by the Real Lebal Drocer, a subsidiary of Lebal Drocer, Inc. The report shows Lebal Drocer “deliberately” hurled drugs and alcohol into the population without regard for human life or happiness, killing people just for profit.

A United Nations Human Rights spokesperson said 31 nations around the world are organized to take action against the multinational conglomerate and author of the Trans-Pacific Partnership, promising to “push Lebal Drocer out of this century.”

Lebal Drocer’s atrocities have created seven new entries in the Guinness Book of World Records, including setting new records for Most Number of Lives Lost During Single Construction Accident and Highest Stillborn Rate Along a Single Polluted River.

Needless to say, residents of Canada and Mexico are not happy with the current state of natural decline at the hands of Lebal Drocer, Inc.

The company is sending an assigned diplomat who will personally take punishment at the international human rights tribunal in Pyongyang.

Lebal Drocer officials enter Chronicle offices, destroy hard drives

LEBAL DROCERThe Internet Chronicle’s editor-in-chief, Raghubir Goyal, explains that he is now forced to work on stories about insider trading from inside the USSR, because Lebal Drocer Intelligence Freedom and Internet Liberty officials went into the Chronicle’s headquarters in Cuthbert, Ga. and destroyed hard drives containing copies of Lebal Drocer stationary outlining some of their misdeeds.

Agents for Lebal Drocer, Inc. recently detained Vic Livingston, the gay Internet boyfriend of Chronicle staff writer Frank Mason who died mysteriously last year. Livingston, who is also a real journalist, was detained for several hours and questioned insistently by agents of the corporation, who would not let him out of their sight, even to go to the bathroom. They made him go number two a coffee can.

“Lebal Drocer knew their stocks were plummeting, so they sold shares of their company to unsuspecting idiots for nearly a thousand times their estimated value.”

Angstrom Troubadour, chronicle.su Financial Analyst.

Lebal Drocer, Inc. has toughened their stance on Internet freedom, citing the upswing in information terrorism as one reason for writing new legislation that would grant them “unfathomable” control over Internet traffic all over the world.

Lebal Drocer’s control over matters of Internet Freedom and Security is . . . unfathomable . . . frightening.

Dan Brown, author

Per protocol, the new measures will be written by Lebal Drocer’s “Litigation Legion” dream team of attorneys, and handed to indeterminate congresspersons – who will then be paid to introduce the legislation in the House – where other representatives will then be paid to vote for it.

[Editor’s note: Surprisingly enough, this is how American politics really work!]

Features added to the new draconian Internet security measures include the outlawing of “copy and paste” for its ability to inherently defy Intellectual Property law, and will forbid all usage of the domain extension .se, .sx and .su – country-specific domain extensions used primarily by hackers and piracy advocates worldwide.

In coordination with Lebal Drocer, Inc., Welch’s NATURAL Concord Grape Jelly Spread have spearheaded anti-piracy measures after their recipe, “SUGAR, GRAPE FLAVORING™ AND PRESERVATIVE BASE,” were distributed via BitTorrent through audio, video, software and recipe piracy website The Pirate Bay, which is hosted on the illicit webservers that spam the Internet with Julian Assange’s propaganda known as Wikileaks.

President Barack Obama was overheard praising the efforts of Lebal Drocer, Inc. who paid for him to take office in 2012, narrowly defeating their darling candidate Mitt Romney, whose campaign was also financed and coordinated by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

This message is brought to you proudly by your big brother, Lebal Drocer, Inc.

There’s A Little Touch Of Lebal Drocer In Every Message You Send.™

100 Molested Children Bring Class Action Lawsuit Against Hatesec Enterprises

Supple milky skin ‘No Excuse,’ say parents

At least 100 children were allegedly harmed at an event outsourced to employees of Hatesec Enterprise. Hatesec Enterprise is an Internet startup company sponsored by celebrity entrepreneur Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadauer and Lebal Drocer, Inc. The company’s mission statement states its primary goal is to bring jobs to marginalized white American citizens amid a nationwide influx of Hispanic, Latino and Middle Eastern wage earners.

Lebal Drocer Inc Touched All Dem Children
Documents suggest a controversial Lebal Drocer subsidiary designed to fuck kids may be responsible for at least 100 fucked kids.

The children harmed by Hatesec Enterprise are shielded by various child protection laws from revealing their identities, however they may soon reach an agreement preventing them from discussing the matter any further with anyone except for their team of pro-Bono attorneys donated by the kind hearted Lebal Drocer Association For The Advancement Of Fucked Kids.

Anonymous sources inside the company have revealed the scandal might have erupted from the so-called Sex Abuse “Hot”Line, a controversial wing of the startup company designed to put America’s worst sex offenders to work – a feat key social rehabilitation specialists said was impossible before now.

“We really should have seen this coming,” said Internet Chronicle Special Victims and National Security Staff Reporter Dan K. Story. “Their mission statement was to rape people professionally, and people are mad about this? I say everybody needs to calm down and let the free market work out a real solution.”

Story went on to explain the complex relationship between the Federal Government and free market economics: “If the government cracks down on this now, then we’re all going to be headed down a slippery slope of Big Government ruling every facet of our lives. See? This is why we need a domestic drone program.”

Past settlements have stated no children can speak publicly about Lebal Drocer, Inc. or its subsidiaries without express, written permission signed by company President and CEO Raleigh Theodore Sakers. Such is sexpected to be the case as their hearing goes before the courts Monday.

This message brought to you graciously by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

No children were directly harmed during the production of this news story.

Hide From Yourself In One of Nine Beautiful Hong Kong Locations

Political Asylum Hong Kong Hidey Hole
Slowly accept the inevitable in a plush Lebal Drocer suite.

You are God.

You control the world, the grass, dirt and the Heavens. You spin the galaxies, and drive them apart with an as-yet-unexplained force known only to men as “dark matter.”

Managing creation can tucker out even the most vengeful of Gods, so spend your 7th day at Hong Kong’s famous Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway – a modern-day hacker’s paradise complete with VPNs and a direct line to Xi Jinping for disclosing national secrets as soon as they’re discovered.

The Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway has serviced such legendary political dissidents as Vic LivingstonCommander X, th3j35t3r, John Tiessen and media darling Edward Snowden.

Tired Gods of this world need a place to hide away, collect themselves, and distribute child porn.

The NSA knows where you stay. Do you think you can get out in time?

This message has been brought to you generously by Lebal Drocer, Inc. We own Wealthy Political Asylum Getaway Hotel Resorts & Casinos, and have used our monetary power to gain access to private information, your most sacred data, things you thought we would never know about, and we did it all – thanks to our friends at the NSA – just for you. Because we care. That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise™.

Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Underpaid Labor - Just Do ItPHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.

Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.

Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.

Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.

Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.

“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then?  Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”

Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.

“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”

In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.

Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”