This is just a friendly reminder that if United States President Barack Hussein Obama happens to be reelected, this is why.
Osama bin Laden died as a martyr, but not his way. Bin Laden died at the hands of Seal Team Six in the name of everything he ever hated. Incidentally, he died to propagate that which Americans also hate.
In a trend that appears to be sweeping the Chronicle.SU, resident columnist and editor Old Brutus has reportedly snubbed fame and left the Internet, saying true anonymity can not be achieved online. “Fuck that NSA Octopus,” he said.
Fuck that NSA Octopus!
But anonymity is not the mysterious writer’s only motivation for leaving the Web in exchange for newspapers.
Old Brutus, who recently discovered the Deepnet, or Dark Net, shut down his laptop Tuesday, saying, “That’s it. I’ve seen the entire Internet. I’m done.”
When asked what he plans to do in the absence of 4chan and its bottomless supply of jailbait, Old Brutus told the Chronicle this:
There ain’t shit out there for me that I ain’t already seen. Child porn? Hell, I was havin’ sex before I knew what sex was. My best friend had to tell me what me and his sister had just done together. Bomb-manufacturing? Shit, the Anarchist Handbook is just copied and pasted from the annals of Chronicle.SU! DRUGS AND BITCOINS? NIGGA, I HELPED APPERSON ‘N PICKARD MAKE THE WORLD’S SUPPLY OF LYSERGIC ACID DIETHYLAMIDE OUT OF AN ABANDONED MISSILE SOLO TILL TWINNY OT FO’!”
Indeed, Old Brutus is a man of many worlds whose “dick don’t never go down.” Sources indicate he has regressed to the use of a 1972 IBM Selectric typewriter and pleasures himself via phone sex while looking through a window into his neighbor’s yard.
Old Brutus can be found busking on the streets of Asheville, North Carolina, like a bum, for marijuana and dollar bills – or whatever you will give him. Toenail clippings and old receipts have uses, he said, but refused to go into detail about what those uses may be.
The Chronicle remains staffed largely by psy-operatives and cyber-intelligence officials who hate your freedom. Our CIA-enhanced pseudo-intellectual framework of satirical propagandist innuendo promises to continue subverting your ideology and feeding upon the very fears which we nurture inside each and every one of you. Now read. It’s okay. Read.
Loving endorsements from the omnipotent Lebal Drocer, Inc. ensure that the Chronicle will never die, but in fact absorb all weaker publications, such as pravda.ru, anonnews.org and Roanoke Revolution.
In related news, Lebal Drocer, Inc. is proud to announce its acquisition of roanoke revolution dot com. We hope you will enjoy the bland mediocrity of a culture where depth is only a measurement of the polluted river upon which it was founded.
The Chronicle provides the public with the service of factual and up-to-date information that other news sources fear. Under the umbrella of Lebal Drocer, we are provided with an endless supply of capital. However, we are facing a desperate shortage of GTFO.
I’m writing this today to beg of you, please, do your part. Without more GTFO, Chronicle.SU will simply be unable to feed the internet hate-machine.
Without GTFO, we might be stuck with hours’ – or even days’ – worth of your unwanted presence, wasting bandwidth and hogging up all the truth so others can’t have any. Share the truth. GTFO.
Without GTFO, we can not be bothered to produce the counterculture propaganda you couldn’t possibly think up for yourselves. You need us, and we need you, to GTFO.
The dual nature of GTFO is the driving force of the Chronicle.SU. Without GTFO, there can be nothing out of which to GTF.
That is because there is a whole world outside. In order to fully understand and appreciate the Chronicle, you must GTFO: experience the outside world, watch FOX News, or at least shop at Kroger. Then come back to the Chronicle, and bring with you, please, your generous contribution of GTFO.
We welcome small donations as well!
This message has been brought to you by recursion, and Lebal Drocer, Inc.
Corporate Rock sensation Redlight King was granted permission by Neil Young to sample [butcher] one of his finest works for the song.
The video features a skateboarder at the beginning, to rope in fans of Tony Hawk V or whatever’s next. It is cool.
Then, some undefinable hipster – wigger hybrids get in a fight, signifying the dissonance between the last generation’s ways and the pressures of today. So basically a confrontation between two irrelevant groups of people takes place, and you’re supposed to feel something. If your parents are white trash, then you can probably relate to what you see on-screen, maintaining the status quo.
Following this, a distraught-looking Weezer fan enters a bike shop and is confused by tires on the ceiling. The wheels in the sky keep on turning, maybe, but his life is obviously at a standstill – as signified by the fact he is in a Redlight King video. He thinks the motorcycle will take him places, perhaps now through his own bastardization of Easy Rider, minus the weed, because not only is marijuana for old fogies, but Redlight King tests for that stuff now.
The camera then pans across our straight-edge hipster biker-wigger moping in his Detroit squat of an apartment, while the words Old Man, look at my life shamelessly echo off the walls, washing over this embarrassment of a manchild you instantly identified with before realizing what a pussy he is; but it’s too late now.
He reviews disconnect notices for his iPhone and FiOs internet over a bowl of cereal, surrounded by pictures of a disappointed step-father.
Seeking fulfillment and quick cash, the antagonist enters a motorcycle race. He takes off and now you’re finally allowed to see a musical instrument, implying that Neil Young samples were not the only thing used for this song – that someone did in fact pick up a guitar, probably under duress, and most likely enveloped in anguish at the notion of having to resort to use of a talent. The lights are dim and we’re only shown the brief vibration of strings before the manchild reappears in a field after [losing] his motorcycle race.
The video ends on a disturbing note. Viewers discover that not only has the antagonist reproduced, he managed to score with a beautiful woman, ultimately creating this abomination:
Redlight King promotes unsustainable childbirth and theft of intellectual property. Neil Young is neither referenced nor apologized to throughout the course of the video, and you are dumber for watching it.
Redlight King is the trailer park hero of the modern South.
Redlight King is brought to you by Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.
OK, we’re going to tell you the lie Lebal Drocer doesn’t want you to know. Contrary to popular belief, not a single staff writer here at the Times has yet died of an overdose of any sort. It has been one month since we updated the site; yeah, no shit, whatever, you don’t pay to read it so fuck off. The heroin advert has cobwebs in it. This is because we built a new website and are in the process of loading that fucker down with enough thought-provoking content to make your pseudo-intellectual coke dealer jealous. It has been our dirty little secret. The Elf Wax Times is still your source for all things fulfilling and true, and will continue down that path, by the will of Jesco White with Noam Chomsky’s blessing. That being said, The Elf Wax Times will continue to be the only place you’ll be able to read the dancing outlaw’s name in the same sentence as the world’s most renowned linguistics expert.
The New Shit
Dubbed project overmind, The Elf Wax Times staff writers (and other sexy people) have set out to code and construct an authentic truth-hole backed up with research, statistics, figures, news and quotes from the scum you know and love (and elected). If The Elf Wax Times has been, up to this point, a black hole in ideology, then consider project overmind the white hole, out of which new reason spawns the modern essence of thought – our most up-to-date evolution of the age-old concepts of peace, space travel, free love and the snarling nuclear war machine. We are young people, writing for young people. The Elf Wax Times makes fifty people laugh every day, and disappoints at twice that rate. Which means we, as writers, are worth exponentially more than each and every one of you, to the power of at least 5; some of you to the power of 6. To put that into perspective, our narcissism has its own Facebook page.
Now enjoy this contradictory letter from the editor
Your Elf Wax Times staff writers have not updated this festering bacteria hive for exactly one month – that much is almost as obvious as the fact you people are more concerned with Miley Cyrus’ sexting pics than what we write. Jerk off while you’re here, by all means. Just know you’re bettering the literary community as a whole simply by masturbating with that Elf Wax Times flair because with every furious pump, you’re selling up to a half dozen copies of our book. However, as you may have already suspected, there’s a good reason we didn’t update The Elf Wax Times this month. I’ll be perfectly honest with you: one of our writers gave his job to Thadeus Heathcoat who subsequently died from a fatal injection while celebrating the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and its adverse effects on British Petroleum. Instead of heroin, our writer was injecting pure crude oil, skimmed off the surface of the water for independent study by journalists and scientists – which here at the Times are one in the same. Thadeus is known to grind up and inject stories straight into his bloodstream for writingtific research. Fortunately, every story we ever assigned him to was heroin, so he enjoyed his job and the convenience of knowing whatever we paid him to inject was nothing short of pure consciousness expansion. It is for this half-assed reason the editing staff feels compelled to accept greater than or equal to half of the blame for the death of our most beloved writer, who in the end taught us we never cared for him to begin with when two weeks passed and nobody noticed he’d gone missing.
In other news
Sherie’s Place: I’m sad to see you go. You sold Elf Wax Times staff all its bongs, pipes, screens and incense for years. Where will we buy our paraphernalia now?
A message from our sponsor:
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I know some people who are passing it around to each other right now – VD of the mind. If an idea is a virus, then ignorance is a plague. Pass it on. Lebal Drocer’s got your back. No, seriously. Turn your back on us. Just for a second.
ARE YOU finding yourself with a really good job and money to spend on shit? Get out of that rut with heroin!
Heroin offers all life’s problems one singular solution: heroin addiction. It’s like opium, but better.
Sometimes when you’re feeling low, just lost a job, or failed to abort, you have to do something about your situation. That’s why I, Thadeus Heathcoat, have come to Elf Wax to tell you about a miracle breakthrough in escapism: HEROIN.
Heroin has helped me overcome many problems in my life, and it can help you, too. I’ve dodged responsibility, jury duty, probation hearings, even bullets thanks to my commitment to heroin, and its dedication to me.
Heroin even helps me escape my one last problem, heroin.
“Okay Thadeus, how can I do heroin?”
Whoa! Slow down there, cowboy. You can’t inject heroin if you don’t have any! First you gotta score some junk. No money? No problem! Rob people! Too lazy? Steal from your friends.
With cash in hand, hit up that friend from high school who’s been to jail a few times. Maybe he’s even stolen from you in the past. Don’t hold a grudge; he just needed heroin. And so do you!
After he connects you to the coolest of cool Lebal Drocer Pharmaceutical technicians, ask your friend if he has a needle you can share. If you’re unsure what to cook and stick where, just ask! Friends don’t let friends waste good horse!
Ride the black horse to glory with Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.
BILLY MAYS HERE, FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE! Have you ever argued with someone online only to find you’ve already hit the CAPS LOCK key? Where the fuck do you go from there?
LebalSoft has the answer!
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CAPS LOCK ULTRA is an additional key that attaches to the inferior key by the same name, turning all capital text BLOOD RED.
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CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™ gives you more time to do the things you love, somehow, like bookmarking informative Lebal Drocer pop-ups that you find interesting and appealing!
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-Actual testimonial, not made up at all
YOU LYING SACK OF BROTHER-FUCKING MONKEY SHIT! GOD DAMN IT WHORE I WISH THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY TO EXPRESS THIS EMOTION!
[Consumer deploys CAPS LOCK *ULTRA*™]
YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK, DISGUSTING FUCK. I TOLD YOU HE HAD H.I.V. BUT YOU DIDN’T BELIEVE ME. AND NOW WE’VE ALL GOT IT!!!!!
The photo you see here accompanied the headline on this horribly-formatted website. Or, I can demonstrate it for you, and I’ll even throw in the ten seconds of editing that these lazy fucks clearly could not be bothered with. Or maybe they simply check to make sure their ads work in IE and say fuck the rest. Read to the end for the terrible truth.
Holy tits. It’s a story using Chinese research, you know this is legit.
Since the mid-1990s, addiction to the Internet has been classified as a mental illness (lol). The study published today in Injury Prevention, a state-owned magazine about preventing injury, aides the Chinese in a practice natural selection has been fine-tuning since before the dawn of time – basic survival – by insinuating that children who use the internet a lot will be twice as likely to self-harm.
The self-harming is in no way related to the oppressive conditions under the Chinese dictatorship, the study reported. “In fact, a large percentage of self-harm may be due to an excessive exposure to any emotion other than pure love for the State,” the Elf Wax Scientific Journal (already) reported in August.
One kid was harming the shit out of himself before the study began, and the attention he gained from being studied “subsided all abnormal, anti-social behavior.” However, this did not stop Chinese authorities for arresting the child on a possession charge for having too much more attention than other people in the country, a severe violation of the principles of Communism.
Other factors were accounted for in the study, this shitty article reports, “such as lifestyle, stressful events, the Chinese ban on both reproduction and masturbation, home environments, and others.
For this survey, self-harm meant something like pinching, cutting, burning, hair-pulling and intentionally holding in the feces for long periods of time.
Let it be known that we here at The Elf Wax Times do not click on “Twitter” accounts – not even our own. Should we ever link to some shit-eating website we do not like, trust, or even want you to see, we right-click and select “copy link location” so we don’t waste our high-speed 56k internets on shit sites that don’t spell Truth.
The site we’ve referenced here is special, because it came about as the product of a powerful new blog software by Lebal Drocer that feeds Google news into the front end, Google images for relevant pictures, and AI-generates a story out its back end, throws all that shit together into broken div elements and just spews out an excuse for advertisements, which are also generated by keywords.
Some time has passed since the release of Infinity Ward’s newest installment in the reluctantly-named Call of Duty series. This is why the Elf Wax Times has gone untouched for one week, with the exception of the new Lightning Ticker which adorns our beloved header. The Lightning Ticker is based on the Elf Waxian concept of the “Lightning Study,” currently in production at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, involving only a glance at raw facts and data as a means for writing an informed report. You’re welcome.
Our entrenched reporter, Viet Zam, has been in Modern Warfare 2 since it spawned November 10. Having received no contact from him in 72 hours, he is presumed dead.
The staff writers, the Media Mogul himself, Cold Hard Truth, billb(o), and Noah [biblical figure], have concluded that Modern Warfare 2 on Playstation 3 is the Official Game of The Elf Wax Times, and so should you. We’ve rated the game 10/10 and found that it contains nothing harmful to society or individuals unless ground into a fine dust and inhaled.
The only real problem with the game is that it keeps us from bringing you the truth. But, doesn’t that figuratively stand for truth? Shit, we’d be liars just by printing something. You don’t want to read something we didn’t want to write, and we don’t want to write shit you don’t wish to read, so we hope you’re enjoying Modern Warfare 2 as much as we are here at The Elf Wax Times office.
Being too busy playing MW2 to review, we decided to get some outside help on this one. YouTube provides a service for us all, and Viacom. Check out what our guest critic had to say about the game:
“Call of Duty 4 and 5 is okay, but fuck it…I was expectin’ it to be like Call of Duty 5 or better, better than fuckin’ better things, but shit!”
Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.
Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing
young Skywalker into the Dark Side
In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you’re happily absorbing.
Possible uses for these chatrooms are:
Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
Discussion of current events
Discussion of painful past events
Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It’s what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States’ confiscated drug supply.