Anonymous Smashes Bank of America contractor TEKSystems

Bank of America is Anonymous

INTERNET — Early Monday morning, the loosely knit collective of teenagers known as Anonymous was able to string together enough sentences to “kinda” make a press release for one of their greatest achievements since not hacking Stratfor: Releasing the data of Bank of America defense contractor, TEKSystems.

AnonForecast, current leader of the Legion sector of Anonymous, is likely the one who carried out this operation, considering everything revolves around him somehow.

The release comes as a shock to the intelligence  hacker and activist communities alike, as we begin to peel back the layers and realize that everything posted on a Pastebin or tweeted is, in fact, true. Shockingly enough, it’s quite possible that everything ever posted on the internet could be true, says fabled neck-beard Richard Stallman, “We are at time where information has become so compressed, so fluid, like the thoughts of a child, the flap of a butterflies wings or the ripples in still water, that it’s impossible to write anything fallacious on the internet.”

As we all know, Stallman, in recent years, began developing his own religion on his completely open-source laptop made by Chinese children, so he cannot be lying.

Josh the God just doesn’t give a fuck.

Hosted on Anonymous’ very own leak platform Par-AnoiA.net, the dump has a list of keywords that one could only assume are used by TEKSystems’ advanced spider bot detection system. Many activists were elated to find their names embedded in the list, most notably: megalomaniac hacker Jacob Appelbaum. He waxed Monday, amid defamatory shouts calling him a plagiarist and phony: “This is something I would have never expected, citizens spying upon citizens. The panopticon grows, but I’m glad I got name-dropped.”

While the leak is riddled with irrefutable truths, one group in particular is doxed turbo hard from information gleaned from Pastebin: UGNazi. Fabled hacker, carder and Nazi @JoshTheGod is named as Josh Mendez, a.k.a. Blake Bronstad, which we all know as true considering he was arrested in 2012 under the obvious alias “Mir Islam.”

Stratfor isn’t the only private contractor news publication on lots and lots of Xanex.

Cosmo is also named in the Pastebin, which of course is correct, because who’s to argue since his name was never released to the public due to his minor status.

In their teaser file, Anonymous highlights some really fantastic nostalgia that reminds us all about the days of yore, when people said “lulz” and HBGary took to the IRCs to stick it to Anonymous. This lovely, readable word salad would make Aaron Barr’s hiking boots swelter, as if his loins were moistening at the sight of “t-asshurtmacfags” breasts.

Noted activist, speed walker and writer Kenneth Lipp gets fingered as the great @Jackal[Anon], a.k.a. @YourAnonNews, the ringleader of Anonymous. How can one confirm this? Simply visit the Wikipedia rival site encyclopediadramatica.se’s entry on JackalAnon and see for yourself. Confirmed.

All in all, this release is nothing more than the Stratfor leak on a handful of xannie bars. However it does highlight the accuracies of what one could only identify as the greatest intelligence source of all time: Pastebin.

Kilgore Trout Ousts Barret Brown as Leader of Anonymous

Cuthbert, GA-Early this morning, Kilgore Trout announced that the hacktivist group formerly known as Anonymous is dead. Because of the inevitable progression and definition of ideology that makes up the body politic of the group formerly known as Anonymous, expert analysts believe the rise of a leader became a necessity. Now known as The Legion, Kilgore Trout has distanced himself and his followers from any actions made by the less mature Anonymous. Anonymous was recently hijacked by the United States Government via AnonNews.org and infiltrators threatened attacks on the captors of Bradley Manning. This tactic allows the government to begin investigation and prosecution of anyone who has ever downloaded the Low Orbit Ion Cannon or participated in any operations claimed by Anonymous.

“Anonymous was not originally a true group, but there is now a clear boundary between insiders and outsiders. The threatened attacks on the United States government implicates any person who has ever been affiliated with Anonymous as a terrorist. Thanks to the Patriot Act, Anons can be put to death for treason, or even extradited to the United States for execution without trial. This is why I have formed The Legion, a group worthy of the title hacktivist”~Kilgore Trout

The Legion has defined itself as a more mature and pragmatic entity than the self-destructive Anonymous. The Legion does not seek to do harm but promotes liberty and freedom in the digital age. In his speech, Trout laid out a unifying set of ideas that the less childish members of Anonymous already held in common.

  • Internet activism is best used to promote Internet Freedom. Censoring the sites of dictators and cults runs contrary to the principle of Internet Freedom.
  • Illegal actions should only be taken in an effort to support Internet Freedom. The Low Orbit Ion Cannon must only be deployed as a virtual sit-in against companies who would destroy Internet Freedom and never to block the free propagation of information. The software will be recreated in this image and no longer reflect violence or weaponry, but peaceful disobedience.
  • True civil disobedience requires that Anonymity be abandoned. Each individual deserves their own voice and must own it fully. The Legion’s strength is in numbers and not in Anonymity. Those who only know how to engage in discourse with childish ad hominems will be ignored.
  • The Legion will act only with a consensus determined by range voting. All possible courses of action will be given a desirability rating by participants and outsiders alike. Range voting provides a nearly impenetrable bulwark to ballot stuffing and infiltration.
  • The Legion forgives when it is appropriate, because The Legion seeks change and not destruction.
  • The Legion supports all charities that advocate distribution of computers to the less fortunate and those who lobby for Net Neutrality and Internet Freedom.

Would-be leader Barret Brown has failed to rally members of Anonymous under their original banner. He is currently being investigated by the US government. Soldiers in the nudist section of Quantico have already begun to prepare his accommodations down the hall from Bradley Manning. Barret Brown’s pathetic attempt to lead Anonymous to destruction has been generally accepted as a failure by The Legion.

 

What The Legion and Westboro Baptist Church have in common

  • Extremist views on the freedom of speech
  • Seek attention with the element of shock
  • Exclusive
  • Hateful
  • Self-Righteous
  • Excessive use of the word fag
  • Trolls till death
  • Homophobic

The Jester has taken credit for his fail of a false-flag attack on Westboro Baptist. Westboro Baptist and The Legion have buried the hatchet. The Legion is waiting for Westboro Baptist to figure out how to reboot their servers, so they can flood Westboro’s communications devices with praise for how they have “really shown those fags who’s boss.”

Anonymous – “Holy Lulz. +1!”

You know, I’ve read what Nate Phelps has to say about his father, Fred. It is no wonder that 31% of Fred Phelp’s children have fled. He beats his entire family into submission. There’s also the fact that Fred Phelps faps to one single thought, “Not only do I get to ruin your funeral, but now you have to pay me for it!” Seeing as he’s now weaker than those he once beat on, I don’t see why the rest of his kids even stick around. The old man’s crazy and must get in their way. The protests seem to be a kind of pointless slavery now that most marks have wised up, but the old bastard just won’t give up. Well, at least they’ll always have the faith to feed them.

Just for some kicks, here is what The Legion and Westboro Baptist Church don’t have in common.

  • The ability to use a computer
  • Foresight
  • Public support
  • A future
  • Education
  • Pragmatism

Now back to your regularly scheduled information cycle.