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Religion Science Special Interest

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”

Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.

Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.

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Editorial Health Society Status Quo World

All Women Born into Adulthood

Kay S. Hymowitz may have you believe that there is a new generation of “Child Men” out there to make women’s job of trapping men into their idea of a happy and “adult” life very hard. Here’s what she has to say in a nutshell. And a link to her article, which I did actually read. Her ideas of women sound like snippets out of an idealized version of “Sex and the City.” And every guy out there is just like “Fry” from Futurama, just so you get the gist of things.

With women, you could argue that adulthood is in fact emergent. Single women in their twenties and early thirties are joining an international New Girl Order, hyperachieving in both school and an increasingly female-friendly workplace, while packing leisure hours with shopping, traveling, and dining with friends [see “The New Girl Order,” Autumn 2007]. Single Young Males, or SYMs, by contrast, often seem to hang out in a playground of drinking, hooking up, playing Halo 3, and, in many cases, underachieving. With them, adulthood looks as though it’s receding.

She then lays into every single comedic act from Dave Chappelle, Jon Stewart, the creators of South Park, Adam Sandler, Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Jack Black, Steve Carell, and Matt Groening, the creator of the Simpsons and Futurama. She moans about Sci-Fi, and sports that “simulate war” like football, and all martial arts. She also attacks video games. With all the talk of child-men she never even mentions Andy Milonakis or Peewee Herman. Granted she does bring up more misogynistic entertainment icons like Tucker Max and George Ouzounian (Maddox) of “The Greatest Website in the Universe,” but come on. What kind of dipshit still reads that shit after they turn 17?
The fact is they are no part of “the media.” They’re just guys like me who can figure out how to post things on the internet. Everyone has that power, Kay, I think you know. If it wasn’t for the internet, maybe people with rotten-to-the-core ideas like Maddox would not corrupt our boys into permanent childhood (happiness). The difference though, is that Maddox is joking, and you are dead serious. Kay’s point is now obvious.

Not only is no one asking that today’s twenty- or thirtysomething become a responsible husband and father—that is, grow up—but a freewheeling marketplace gives him everything that he needs to settle down in pig’s heaven indefinitely.

This is what I have to say in response Ms. Hymowitz:

FUCK THAT! GROWING UP HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH BECOMING A HUSBAND OR A FATHER. YOU ARE THE ONE WITH THE WRONG MESSAGE.

Do not blame the free market for the fact that women want to find a husband and men just don’t give a fuck. I am not a pig for being who I am, but you are a TRUE BITCH for suggesting that marriage to a woman is the only way a man can ever grow up. That is totally false and offensive to both men AND women of any intelligence. All I have to say is I hope your type fades away. Stop watching TV so much if you’re so fucking smart. It gives you the wrong idea about the real world.