Space station gets new "chill room"

The International Space Station has docked it’s latest module, complete with every modern convenience. . . .

God damn internet

The internet has taken control of our long-range nuclear missile silos. Richmond, VA readies itself for mandatory evacuation. Prepare for chaos. . . .

Dick, Dedication, and the American Dream

Roanoke, Va.–This girl I liked when we were in ninth grade was really cute and had pretty green eyes. I told her one day as we were walking to the buses and she said ‘thank you.’ I never thought another thing of it because chasing tail, I decided, wasn’t . . .

FBI DIRECTOR WINS WAR ON DRUGS

Washington, D.C.– In a harrowing defense of marijuana’s ongoing criminal status, FBI Director Robert Mueller successfully lumped marijuana in with all drugs. Dopes on the list include meth, heroin, oxycontin, crack and cocaine, but not alcohol, during a debate with Steve Cohen (D-TN). “Alcohol,” he said, “is just poisonous . . .

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity . . .

Waxing elves after 2012?

Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012. The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the . . .

President Obama contracts swine flu

Washington, D.C.–Due to coming into close physical contact with government pigs in Washington, U.S. President Barack Hussein Obama has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, popularly known as swine flu, following a doctor visit Friday.

Noticeable symptoms include tiredness of the eyes, a glazed “thousand-yard-stare” and the onset of . . .

Local man repairs relationship, loses penis

Roanoke, Va.–A Roanoke man savagely mutilated himself Friday while trying to prove to his ex-wife he was “still man enough to sexual role-play and use a skill saw naked.” Sources say he was attempting to sacrifice the family housecat to the love gods when things suddenly appeared very wrong.

Tina . . .

Black hole unlocks quantum secret to cosmos, accretes Earth

This evening, a black hole instantly spawned inside our solar system. The event occurred so suddenly that scientists have not been able to determine its preconditions, but more presently, they are concerned with how humanity will go about tackling this catastrophic phenomenon of rapidly-impending doom. Two brave Elf Waxtronauts

Commented . . .

Snitch Ass Cops Bust Marijuana Martyrs

WILMINGTON–Several college students at UNCW were arrested for doing some things that don’t even exist, that is, ‘intent to manufacture marijuana.’ Police Chief Entirely Fictional explained, “They were trying to assemble all these amino acids, cellulose, and water, trying to recreate marijuana from the ground up. Of course, this is entirely impossible and illegal.” He . . .