The World’s first Black President announced America’s first official language Tuesday.
Following the announcement, President Barack Hussein Obama signed the panama canal back over to Colombia and declared his oneness with both the Virgin Mary and T-Pain.
Following shortly behind Hussein Obama’s speech, Sheikh Mohammed declared on Al-Jazeera the President’s actions to be “an acceptable beginning to further talks of uniting the Mid-East and The US once and for all.”
The only problem is that the people of both Columbia and the Middle East as a whole are against T-Pain and his “Recklessly progessive” use of Auto-Tuning software as quoted by one upset Columbian Woman.
Critics of auto-tuning software cite its abuse by “musicians” like the unlistenable Cher, or the overplayed Souljah Boi or whatever.
Since Pres. Obama’s monumental handout of the Panama canal to the Columbians there have been 4,039 oraganized protests against T-Pain, the Obama Presidency, and Auto-Tuning in general.
To import more Farsi-speaking slaves, the Colombians use the Panama Canal, taxing all other travelers for different amounts, depending on where their gasoline comes from.
The best example of our failures as a society comes from auto-tuning, unearthed as the music industry dried up following the demise of Britney Spears, Puff Daddy, and Kanye West, who does not care about white people.
“Nowadays,” said Chief Music Appreciation Expert of The Elf Wax Times Carlos Bannana, “You can simply turn on the auto-tune machine, some phasers, set the tremelo on full-blast and play one note, listening as it magically unfolds into a unique, progressive song before your very eyes and ears.”
Meteor showers are violent death-displays of space’s dominance over mankind, and December’s Geminid meteor shower is only different from November’s leonid meteor shower in that it will be “twice as deadly,” says chief Elf Wax Astronomer Hem Cumming, who is also notably ‘Miley Cyrus’ biggest fan.’
One should look away from the skies between the hours of 12:00 am EST and dawn, and avoid going outside for any reason during these hours until the police tell you it’s safe to come back out of your homes, as there is no safe place in a meteor shower, nor would there be any hope for survival after being struck by one.
Elf Wax Scientist Langstrom T. Hugg said the scientific explanation for the Geminids states Gemini, the God of Slayer, master of demise, is reigning pure, crystalline hatred on the Earth for betraying him over Jesus, and this is what brave Astronomers see streaking across the night sky, should they dare to look.
“We’re basically populating the foretold Hell on Earth,” said Dr. Hugg. “The Bible prophecies many things, including the housing crisis, and the Black Dawn of the Anti-Christ, Barack Obama. The mind-blowing pain of the Geminid meteor shower reminds us never to foresake Gemini again, and that we should fear Jesus more than we love him.”
The phony scientific community that claims Dr. Hugg’s research is “invalid” because it is “not based on fact” should be disregarded, said Dr. Hugg, “because they have already proven to The Elf Wax Times, and thus to America, that they are not worthy of God’s Glory when they gave credence to the hedonistic pleasures of the dinosaur bones, put here to test our faith in the glorious Lord who neither The Elf Wax Times, nor I, dare not forsake.”
As lead astronomer for The Elf Wax Times Dr. Hugg is the only source used, his word is accepted as unerring fact. So it is with great responsibility and duty to our loyal readers that you stay indoors, America, and let those Phillipino know-nothings die like dogs in their rice patties under the fiery wrath of Gemini so we may take their land in God’s name, amen.
Many internet pirates already got a jump start on activation keys, with seeders exseeding eight thousand. It’s difficult to say how many pre-activated copies of the operating system are going around, but estimates based on a google search indicate roughly tens of thousands of illegal copies are in circulation – and they”validate,” meaning they still receive important Microsoft Updates (NSA backdoor spying modules, malware, updates to Microsoft’s overwatch ability, etc.). In China, a notorious hotbed of free and open, Democratic piracy, users are complaining that piracy still “isn’t free enough,” citing the need for a PC to run an operating system.
“I just wish computers were free too.” – Xiang Winow
Most n00bs believe Windows 7 will cost $99 retail. However, those who are remotely familiar with computers will know better than to throw money at China through a store and opt for the free version, found anywhere online.
Many users are downloading Windows 7 because they felt so burned after paying for Vista.
Elf Wax Analytical Laboratories expect open-source operating system software to eventually surpass the usefulness of any Capitalist endeavor within the next two years. Unfortunately, Bill Gates already has so much money that it isn’t going to hurt him in any one way.
Click here to find out why your penis is shrinking.
WASHINGTON, DC, UTAH–The Elf Wax Times announced today its 1,000th reader in just one week. Executive Editor, Steve Grabowski, said The Elf Wax Times has been spammed with Google Image results almost exclusively under the keywords ‘Miley Cyrus sexting.’ An army of 4chan porn addicts, unable to get off to anything that isn’t a sext message, have been in search of “moar” Miley Cyrus “n00dz” and have found Miley’s infamous sexting image located within our scathing commentary on sexting among America’s youth.
“The Elf Wax Times spiked 500 hits last night alone due to a mix-up around nude photographs Miley sexted out to Nick Jonas,” Grabowski said.
Nick Jonas is reported to sport a so-called “purity cockring” in an image he sexted in response to Miley’s now infamous, but typical, “tease” sext. According to an employee at Verizon’s sext message monitoring headquarters, the rumors are true, but Miley Cyrus sends out these kinds of texts all the time to her family members. “Especially the father.”
“Glory holes in Roanoke, VA” is also turning up “mad results” according to a recent Google Analytics poll, and more users find themselves reading the Times than ever before, when they meant to find elven pornography or how-to guides for waxing a pussy. “People and their cats,” commented Grabowski, with a shake of the head.
It’s a well-known fact that if God intended for cats to be naked and pink, he would have birthed them that way, or burned a few with solar flares. But God works in mysterious ways, sometimes neglecting facts altogether, as one Elf Wax Times reader found out the hard way.
“I was searching for Jesus,” he said with a pause, and trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.
But even inadvertent Elf Wax Timers are converting to full-time readers, according to some contrived interpretation of a combination of anecdotal results. For instance, one reader who searched “whore lithium weed” happened to dig 11 pages deep into the Times. Looks like somebody found what they came for!
The entire Elf Wax staff could not be reached immediately, and the office voicemail redirected to a vacation response from Easter which connected reporters to a full mailbox in which no message could be left or returned.
Elf Wax staff writer Cold Hard Truth was not immediately available for comment, but wrote an email to the editor saying, “I once had a job installing cable for the cable company. One time I had to go in ‘their kid’s room.’ There was this big nine-foot retard standing behind me in the corner, the whole time, breathing real hard and real loud – and just staring at me, watching my every move. Just staring, and breathing, stopping only once to piss himself and scream. I imagine having a big nine-foot-retard with jaundice could come in handy at times. But not when you need cable installed. That freaked me out. Do you think hermaphrodites, like true hermaphrodites, could get themselves pregnant? And like, clone themselves?”
His email response went on like this for another two pages attached to a .avi file of Japanese piss bukkake, and was completely irrelevant to the questions reporters asked.
All attempts to reach Wayne were futile, as a Spanish-speaking woman answered his publicly-listed phone number demanding cocaine in exchange for a beheading she’d performed just moments earlier. An ape was heard howling in the background, believed by sources to be owned by Wayne himself, or traded on the black market, again, for drugs or possibly even “sexual favors” according to the woman when asked about the noise. “He do lots of thing.”
Steve Grabowski said the Elf Wax Times is growing at up to 100 percent on good days, and as low as “90 percent on a slow day.”
“Mostly,” he added, “People just plain don’t know how to search for porn, and they wind up here. But we gladly welcome you. Sick, twisted fucking perverts are the backbone of The Elf Wax Times.”
And so are you. Thanks, dear readers. Keep refreshing the Elf Wax Times for the latest news on things that happened a few days ago. Also, be the first to get to Elf Wax Times by Googling ‘marijuana’ and win a free trip to an F.B.I. holding facility!
The Elf Wax Times has no relation to the ELF, an eco-terror group which has claimed responsibility for several recent terror attacks. We hate the environment.
Washington, D.C., Tx–An independent study by the US Government was conducted on a stovetop Friday, twenty years ago. The results are inconclusive by logic of the critically-flawed scientific method, but based on what the President’s top aides are saying, stand firm. The dependent variables of the study were not verified and its results are taken as fact based on the government’s good track record of providing honest, objective, Christian scientific research.
“All drugs are the same,” said one expert. “Dope’ll kill ya,” said another. The men wished to remain anonymous because like all government officials, they are huge pussies and don’t stand behind their own words.
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS INTENDED FOR MATURE, MALE AUDIENCES ONLY. IF YOUR CHILDREN SEE THIS AND START FRYING UP EGGS TO GET HIGH, IT IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD PARENT UNWORTHY OF OWNING CHILDREN.
Astronauts, tired of endless scientific experiments and tedious docking procedures have completed final docking of an entirely new “chill room” which features a specially designed zero-G couch, a PlayStation 3, and a huge keg. The new room is also “420 friendly” as advertised on craigslist, which is identified as the module’s point of origin.
Some of the residents of the International Space Station have given the “chill room” two thumbs up, praising it for the high resolution of the HD television and great satellite TV reception. The gamers, however, complain of “laggy” game play issues that are entirely ruining their experience.
“I didn’t become an astronaut so I could have a first rate gaming system with a second rate network connection” complained one Cosmonaut, who later professed his love for Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. “I’ll shoot the guy, square in the face, and next thing you know I’m being shown a ‘kill cam’ in which I stupidly stare at some n00b wildly spraying bullets in my direction. What a fucking let down.”
The “chill room” also features a telescope window where Astronauts can look at stars and shit, while gaping in glassy-eyed stupor at the wonder that is so far out of their reach. One totally screwed-up ‘naut stared at the Andromeda galaxy for an entire hour, “All of the sudden I realized, dude, that thing is only a few inches big on my telescope but in all likelihood comprises thousands if not millions of planets that bear life.”
Ground control has repeatedly had to discipline the Astronauts for leaving the “chill room” a complete mess. “When they’re up there, floating around sleeping in zero-G with Doritos and PS3 controllers floating all over the place, it can get dangerous. The best we can do is to signal a critical alarm, and hope they don’t just go back to the booze when they realize what we’re trying to do. It hasn’t been working out well.”
Astronaut productivity is down nearly 30 percent and one experiment which is monitoring the effects of zero gravity on a small population of shrimp has apparently disappeared. The implication is that the experiment was eaten. Freeze-dried rations are pitiful munchies, and perhaps we can forgive our Astronauts, because like us, they don’t really give half a shit about how shrimp deal with living in space.