Tag: Marijuana

Categories
Health

New study links marijuana to hunger, passivity

Researchers at Elf Wax Laboratories concluded Tuesday that smoking marijuana leads to feelings of intense euphoria, joy, laughter, even thoughtfulness, but most of all, hunger and laziness.

“Some people may experience contradictions. First the user may find himself getting hungry, but this is immediately overcome by a sweeping sense of apathy,” said leading Elf Wax Medical Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong. Apathy toward one’s body is what cancer researchers hope will push medical marijuana use into the mainstream but for now, he said marijuana serves only to atrophy muscles away in front of a hockey game on XBOX 360 through a two-pronged effect that also includes “not eating because you spent all your money on weed and Mountain Dew.”

Kerri Holt, drug warrior
Kerri Holt does her part in the War on Drugs and appears to be winning.

“I’ve been smoking weed five times a day for three consecutive years,” said one marijuana user who wished to remain anonymous, “and I have only been having mild strokes and liver failure, although that is because I also drink all day every day and eat Vicoden for breakfast. Pot is safer than most people think and for those of you who say it’s a gateway drug, I have one thing to say to you: I drink because my dad used to beat me.”

Most users report a feeling of euphoria while others describe episodes of panic and terror immediately following marijuana use. Anxiety, Dr. Armstrong said, is your mind trying to tell your body that something’s wrong. If one can successfully shut off all thoughts originating from the logic center of the brain, as most women inherently can, then a person may truly begin to bottle up feelings of insecurity, aggression and rage that under normal circumstances might be directed toward the corporate-sponsored military-industrial complex, and that user can then turn those negative feelings inward on themselves. NIDA’s (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website advises people to “Take a deep breath and embrace this opportunity to hate yourself.”

Marijuana is a popular tool for the U.S. Government to control the minds of free-thinkers. By keeping the drug illegal, they satisfy the interests of pharmaceutical companies who could not compete with marijuana and they delude the public into believing smoking reefer is a means of actualizing the mind’s often-dormant potential they do not want you to have access to. Its true effects include the right combination of apathy, disinterest, emotional desensitization, and illusory transient understanding of the forces that guide us to allow the shadow government to act in darkness, along their pre-determined circuits through the blind spots of our knowledge. Also, it goes without saying that many people who smoke grass believe the act alone of getting high is a rebellion in and of itself and their hat is now in the political arena; stickers are going out on all future election days with the slogan “I stayed home and got high!” printed on it as opposed to “I voted!” “It means the same fucking thing,” a sticker-girl told reporters around the Tabernacle Church voting booths.

"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks
"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks

In addition to marijuana, our correspondent said bumper stickers and Facebook groups are also on the rise, among other types of “armchair activism” that includes signing online petitions and forwarding emails. “People aren’t just smoking weed to get nothing done. They’re also sitting around watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, eating at McDonald’s and refreshing on average five to eleven FOX-news-related twitter pages per day.”

I’m just so glad all those annoying anti-war protesters in the streets in Washington finally have a place to go,” said housewife Maude Davis, 73. “Now the only protesters you ever hear about are those religious types, and I like them because they stand up for the sanctity of life.”

The War on Drugs is not over yet, for as long as Nature has something to offer, the government will be there to regulate it. New laws are coming this Spring to a local law enforcement agency near you. Stay tuned for tips on how to think, live and feel.

Categories
Reviews

Larry And His Flask

Richmond, Va.–Elf Wax Times went deep into the seedy underground of the Richmond music scene to find Larry And His Flask performing songs of hate around midnight of the 23rd at Cous Cous. Motherfuckers jammed.

“Basically put like fucking Modest Mouse together with some Jefferson Airplane shit and Larry’s what you get,” said VCU Criminal Justice major Kim Something Or Other. We got her phone number.

The vocals harmonized nicely with the guitars, but all the assholes dancing around The Elf Wax Times staff were rude and did not respect others’ personal space. The authorities were notified, however no arrests have yet been made because the police are lazy scumbags who’d rather insufflate an eight ball of confiscated blow than arrest college students, although that is their second priority because nobody was nice enough to hang out with them during high school to make sure they don’t power trip in the future.

So there were VCU pigs walking up and down Grace St. late last night. On a Monday night, there’s hardly a dude worth fucking with but the police found him: an old crippled guy in a wheelchair was sitting in a recessed doorway, pointed toward the wall when some dick cop approached him asking, “What are you doing here?” to which he responded, “I’m just chilling out.”

The Elf Wax Times did not stick around to make sure civil rights were respected because we have no compassion for even the seemingly homeless. Our apathy overrides even the most basic instincts of decency especially in the presence of law enforcement. This is because we have taken copious amounts of LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, morning glory seeds, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose tea, pills, duster, and the synthetic compound known as 2C-I. No big deal, but we ate that shit all at once, so fuck that guy in a wheelchair.

And fuck you. Larry and his flask will be on tour with the Dropkick Murphys (or whatever those fags are called), unfortunately opening for the bastards even though everybody knows it should be the other way around. Fuck mainstream music and fuck you for liking it.

Fuck the government for sponsoring Elf Wax Drunkenness and fuck your mother’s failed abortion that became you. We don’t like you and don’t want you reading The Elf Wax Times because you have not taken the sworn oath drug-influenced Elf Wax piety. When the revolution comes, you’ll be forced to eat fourteen doses of acid and watch The Wall while we drill messages of fear and totalitarian government control into your enfeebled brains. In your offtime we do respect your right to smoke cigarettes but not to religion. For religion, you must turn to Carl Sagan for guidance because unlike the rest of humanity you are now a glowing ray of light, no longer bound by the human form, for you can – and do – understand and know everything under the sun. In fact, you control it.

Now get fucked up watch FOX News because it’s what you’re designed to relate to – not us. We aren’t you and you’ll never be one of us. You’ll always be a fucking scum-sucking whore of the capitalistic enterprise over our freedoms of self. Wal-Mart owns you now, and Target is where you rebel. China runs our shit, and America strives to become them. Countries’ only meaning lies in how we identify ourselves. With enough trade, this will change and our so-called “identities” will meld with the world-dominating enterprise of necessity. We’re fucking doomed to live on and serve into perpetuity the human plantation we helped create. We, and free enterprise, which should also be destroyed or undermined by faithful Elf Waxers. Destroy yourselves, and you’ve destroyed the government’s income. Well done, suicide machines.

Vote against freedom. It’s what Elf Wax would do. It’s what you have been conditioned to do. But don’t be surprised when the voice of protest sounds like a large group of angry bluegrass musicians who don’t even sit down to play the drums.

Categories
News

The Third World War on the Third World

Got filthy communism? Try Napalm Brand
Got filthy Communism? Try Napalm

Now that the “War on Terror” has been declared officially over, President Hussein Obama has declared war on the Third World, which in fact has been going on since Vietnam. His policy of honesty has been met with complete apathy. America and its satellite nations are engaged in a campaign to eradicate any progress in developing countries which may threaten future corporate profit. Vietnamese, Iraqis, and Afghanis have learned how powerless they are as they drink Coca Cola in lieu of a clean water supply.

In America, things are very quiet.  Airplanes are loaded with Prozac and leave aerosol trails of obedience and submissive behavior in a perfect grid over the nation. The only people who seem to be capable of any type of outrage are only expressing it towards the most trivial changes in their lives. So-called “Tea Parties,” have shifted most of their vitriolic hate-protest towards the new Facebook layout.

Energy, Budget Cut, Tax, Lift American Spirits. A proper Tea Party.
Energy, Budget Cut, Tax, Lift American Spirits. A proper Tea Party.

Sarah Palin has gripped the reins of this hateful group and begun steering it towards her own agenda. Palin’s pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric has been ramped up tenfold by her newly discovered technique of writing and reading from her hand. Palin’s bestselling memoir Going Rogue: An American Life is now on sale at Wal Mart for a suspiciously low price. Originally “My Struggle: An American Life,” the title was changed by the publisher at the last-minute for an undisclosed reason.

In Italy, America has bastardized traditional Italian ingredients to form a “partially edible” new sandwich cleverly named the McItaly. This sandwich is obviously a collusion between McDonald’s and the highest levels of Italian government. Elf Wax sources have revealed McDonald’s plans for the McHaiti-a sandwich made entirely with misappropriated food relief. McHaitis will be distributed to crowds of hungry people with compressed air guns by employees dressed as Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and other beloved McDonald’s friends.