Washington, D.C.–In an unprecedented bid for the United States Presidency, The Elf Wax Times has entered the race.
It is the first time in the history of the world an entire publication has ran for public office. They will probably win.
“You’re not just voting for a president, but an entire cabinet,” a man known only as ‘The Cold Hard Truth’ told reporters Thursday. He presented himself as their attorney, though his credentials are questionable at best.
He said, “The executive staff of The Elf Wax Times operates ruthlessly and efficiently, and we are fully prepared to step on anyone who gets in our way.”
Viet Zam will be the Defense Comrade, he said, unfurling a tattered scroll. Reading it aloud, The Cold Hard Truth announced, “By the way, we are a Marxist party, which we just formed.”
The Elf Wax Times promised in a television commercial “to president at least once a week,” and said that at no point in time will any part of the administration appear on women’s daytime TV.
“If Elf Wax appears on TV,” said the Elf Wax Times’ Media Mogul, “It will be Spike TV or one of those shows like ‘Pawn Stars’ or MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride.’
The Co-President-To-Be went on to say, “We’re also considering a downloadable podcast on the PlayStation Network as well as pornography endeavors.”
Afterward, Media Mogul told reporters, and extended to all Americans, that if they wish to see change, then there would have to be sacrifice. He warned citizens must be willing to “game out” at least twice a day. “For some,” he said, “This will require a severe cutback on gaming. For others, it will demand much, much more.”
Furthermore, he went on to cite Gandhi, reminding Americans they must be the change they wish to see in the world. “So if you want pot legalized, start getting high with police officers,” later adding, “I’m just going to sit back and watch.”
To win the Republicans over, Viet Zam intimated his desire to replace the military with autonomous kill-bots that once set on BLIND RAGE MODE can not be undone, “for maximum defense.” He said freedom will be programmed into their circuitry, hard-wiring them for democratic, bloodthirsty justice that will be unleashed “mostly on brown people” following the 2012 election, but could extend to whites who can’t speak American or who have their own alphabet.
Loki and the Hecktones, premier cabinet leaders, and well-known from inside The Elf Wax Times for building their fame around pure absurdity, have pointed out the necessity to bring back the unwitting “dosing” of agents within the FBI, CIA, and especially the administration itself with LSD-25.
Loki said, “It is our heartfelt belief that every man, woman and child – wait, especially children – should at least once in their lifetimes experience the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide.” A sudden silence fell over the crowded room of reporters and newscasters and photographers stopped taking pictures. At this, Loki’s eyes bulged out of his head as he exclaimed, “What? Don’t be so fucking lame. Jesus Christ who let all these squares in the room?” Kilgore Trout, the self-described ‘Face of Elf Wax’ reacted promptly by placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder as he quietly escorted him off the stage, beaming for the cameras.
While Sarah Palin and Barack Obama scoff at the notion, The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all they need. Voters who “wish to make the right decision” to vote for them in the 2012 election, are expected to “inform themselves,” said a man named Bill, “because we’re pulling the ads.” Experts predict a landslide victory for The Elf Wax Times.
Thanks to LebalSoft voting machines, voters will have the unique opportunity of voting for Elf Wax as early as they feel like, and as many times as they want if they feel their vote wasn’t counted properly. Additionally, voting has been turned into a “game,” according to one anonymous source from within Lebal Drocer.
Due to the dangerously high lead content of their products, all Lebal Drocer representatives speak on the condition of anonymity.
In the game, voters are rewarded with tickets and prizes for casting the right vote in the correct order. Prizes include freedom tickets, XBOX Gamer Points, even the right to vote. Freedom tickets would be redeemable at the United States Government. These are “higher-level prizes” that award freedom of speech allowances and “get out of jail if your 4th Amendment Rights were compromised” cards. “It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but the 2010 version.”
There are no contacts listed for The Elf Wax Times and the staff could not be reached for any comments relating to anything, whatsoever.
The world must simply wait on standby for a glimmer of hope, change, or a press release explaining why there has been none, which sources predict may never come.
Whitehorse, Canada–Sarah Palin was seen jumping out of a dirty, overloaded pick up truck Tuesday and crossing the Canadian border to steal single-payer Health Care.
Canadian Border Police shot and killed several accomplices to the ex-Governor of Alaska, but failed to deal any lethal damage to Mrs. Palin, who used retarded people as a shield to deflect bullets and public outcry.
Due in part to this story’s inflation by the mainstream media, Canadian officials are now being forced to consider the decision to build a wall extending from coast to coast, to pacify the loudest minority.
Analysts expect the project to be outsourced to illegal immigrants pouring in from America to do the job, further fueling flames of xenophobia.
“We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada,” she said. “And I think now, isn’t that ironic?”
Editor’s note: Governor un-elect Sarah Palin confused irony for hypocricy.
Since Palin recently got a taste of political gain, her opinion of what once was her best source of useful, valuable health care has transformed it into the disease of big government-run death panel waiting rooms of Satan, where even souls are aborted.
Sarl Cagan, Chief of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police told reporters, “As of right now, we believe Sarah Palin is living with between eight and fifteen other border-hoppers in a house without electricity or running water. Sources tell us they’ve seen her selling oranges by the side of the freeway, doing construction on the wall, boycotting schools, and demanding amnesty.”
Sarah Palin is expected to report back to FOX News by the end of this weekend, their spokesperson told The Elf Wax Times, who then added, “assuming Mrs. Palin’s declining intelligence does not get any worse, at which point her brain might catastrophically divide by zero.”
So we didn’t reach out to anybody, exactly. But it did keep me from moving in with a lesbian. You see, I was going to move in with my girlfriend. She’s not the lesbian. Just keep reading you lazy fuck, you’ll get the story. We don’t dumb it down, you’ll have to cope, sound it out, we’ll get through this together. Anyway, things “didn’t work out” so I had to put an advert out on the most hilarious website in the Universe, craigslist. Man, I don’t even know where to begin about that website. God it’s greater than The Beatles. Anyway, I found this lesbian who was looking for a place to live. Real naive girl who didn’t have her shit together but knew she wanted to move out of mommy’s house. So, being desperate to move into this sweet, overpriced ghetto apartment as soon as possible, I told her we’d sign the lease together the following day if she liked the apartment. She did like it, and we agreed that it would be pretty cool.
In my craigslist ad, I indicated that I’m an editor for The Glorious and Critically-Acclaimed Elf Wax Times.
Where I live, you can’t find peace on the back porch, because some low-life have-not bum will hit you up for a “cig” or failing that, the beer out of your hand. Come test it out if you want. You’ll say, “Hey Elf Wax was right, that fucking loser can’t afford his own cigarettes, yet somehow he’s addicted to them.” Actually don’t come over. I’m sitting in my underwear playing PS3 online and I don’t want shit to do with you unless you are good at Pixel Junk Monsters and have weed. And in this editor’s experience, that pretty much means no one’s coming over.
Anyway, this lesbian and her dyke mommy fired up the old cable modem and took a peek at what her future roommate has been doing with his livelihood. And boy were they amused, or some other emotional contradistinction of a similar degree. Here’s the jist of the half-hour phone call I received at 9 o’clock the same night we looked at the place together:
“Heroin junkheads anonymous. Smack your addiction. How may I help you?”
“Yeah what’s up?”
“James, we need to talk.”
Hot damn, I thought. What’s this girl trying to do? Usually only Lauren’s allowed to call me saying that. “Sure, what is it?” I asked, knowing it would not be good.
“This website,” she began. Jesus Christ, it was just like Weenus, Incorporated and high school. How familiar with this situation I am… “Do you write all the stuff on here?”
“Yeah. You must really like it to want to call me and talk about it. But that’s OK, I know it’s good.”
“Creep you out? Was there something on there that bothered you?”
“Well, the last three stories. And basically everything by Media Mogul. Is that you?”
“Ah, well yeah sorta. You see, ‘we all’ write under that name. I have five writers, every one of them posting under it. Only the regulars get their own pseudonym.” I’m starting to cover my ass but I can tell it’s already too late. I might even have to kill her.
It goes on like this for the next 20 minutes. She tells me about her ideology and how it affects her to the core. “I’m a lesbian, and a lot of the stuff you say. Like your opinions. Like, I don’t know if I’m gonna have to put a padlock on my bedroom door, ya know?” (those doors are hollow honey, a padlock won’t do you any good, I thought) “Am I gonna have to look over my shoulder all the time? Sleep with my eyes open?”
I’m laughing quietly to myself at this point. I even mute the phone to tell the others around me what I am hearing, as well as relaying our conversation via gmail chat to some of the other writers online. It was just so unbelievably funny, that I had to make sure others could remember it as it happened, or else it’d be forever denied as some fabrication or a future embellishment of an early point in the Grand Legend of The Elf Wax Times. This website has cost me a roommate.
The first casualty of war between The Elf Wax Times and the world was not a job, or a friend, or a girlfriend, or my car, or a possession charge – but a dyke roommate. No loss, she had bad teeth and an ugly haircut. Oh, and her attitude was just deplorable, not to mention embarrassing.
“There’s a lot of penis love, and woman hating. And I understand that – boys will be boys.” Yep. And stupid judgmental, hypocrite lesbians will be stupid hypocritical lesbians. This is a girl who expressed to me “We shouldn’t have police. That’s just my opinion. That’s why I want a shotgun. The police are pointless. Fuck the government. We’ll take care of ourselves.” I remember thinking to myself, hey a lesbian I can agree with.” And in all fairness, it stands to reason that a person who harbors such a strong opinion toward the government and humanity might not necessarily love the Elf Wax Times, but see that there’s room enough for this line of thinking, questioning, enough to where any reasonable man would expect the same kind of acceptance for his beliefs equal to that which he gracefully engages, right? Wrong. Not with judgmental hypocrite lesbians. In fact, once we got to talking about The Times, I said, “Yeah I remember you talking ‘down with the government.’ You ever think about writing? We need writers.”
“Yeah, poetry,” was her response. The tone of her voice changed to cautious optimism.
I said, “Oh, well nevermind. We need real writers.”
And that was pretty much that. She called me the next morning waking me up with some excuse about insurance. “If I move out of my mother’s place, I lose my insurance, and that’s like $1,400 and I just can’t afford to move out now, I guess.” I thought, yeah whatever, but if that really is the case…then what we’ve got is not only a judgmental homosexual hypocrite, but a stupid judgmental homosexual hypocrite – almost reduntant in theory, but certainly not in practice. Way to plan ahead, stupid bitch. Or way to tell a transparent lie because you’re too spineless to stand behind some stupid shit you said. Either way, good fucking riddance.
And that’s about all there is to say about the worthless cunt from two weeks ago. Except that yeah, we here at The Elf Wax Times still would’ve hit it.
And hey, this isn’t to say we hate women, or even gays or gay women. In fact, lesbian porn is alright. I have lesbian friends that I wouldn’t want to see in a lesbian porno, but then again, they’re probably not real lesbians. Gay friends, too, people I would do anything for. Well, anything but that. Plus, you’ll never have a gay guy get in your face and say, “Hey Bubba, I think Christian’s the only way to be and I’ll take you out back and kick yer fuckin’ ass if ya say it ain’t again.” You’ll never meet a gay guy who threatens your alpha male status. Likewise, you’ll never meet a gay guy who steals your girlfriend, unless they’re going shopping – and if that happens, bring him over for dinner at least once a week to ensure a long and prosperous relationship with your happy girlfriend who no longer makes you shop with her. You’ll also never accuse a woman of “shopping around with other men.” All in all, leg-shavers aren’t too bad, either. But mostly they are.
On that note, I would like to change the subject. The Rolling Stones stole a beat from Bo Diddly. But the law doesn’t protect drumbeats from copyright infringements. Go figure.
Moving on, I’d like to completely change the subject again using this beautiful transition that I call a period following a sentence. You like it because I tell you to like it. You’re a coward and too afraid to formulate your own opinion, so I’m going to tell you what to think here in a minute. Just sit tight. I learned this from Rush Limbaugh.
Alright, I’ve got myself another beer and I’m one step closer to enlightenment. Or blacking out. One or the two, they’re both the same in the cold, dark end, following a well-timed nuclear holocaust. Now it’s time to molest your little eyes with the truth, my babies. Prepare yourselves for a pointed statement.
Noam Chomsky said that the reason he is not on these late-night TV talk shows can be summarized by one word: concision, something he reportedly lacks. And it’s a judgment he agrees with because, you see, politics and economics and social structure are complex issues that require thoughtful, lengthy dialog, sometimes in the form of exchanged monologue. TV News and Talking Head Shows require their guests to answer a question or refute a claim in two sentences or less. It can’t take more than 30 seconds. The whole idea must be discussed between commercial breaks. Given this, actual intellectual discussion is abandoned, retarding any true progression of American ideology and standing in the way of enlightening discussion of important issues such as the military-industrial complex, the space program, the failures of mainstream media, or the government’s role in health care, if any. This means Noam Chomsky simply won’t be heard, in spite of the fact that he is the most reasonable, thoughtful man you’ll ever hear talking about modern issues that affect us all. His ideas may lack “concision”, but make up for it by the fact that after listening to him, you are enlightened and put at ease; put at ease not by means of pacification, or pandering, but you find yourself eased by reason, something TV news is lacking, and something we’ve learned to live without. Noam Chomsky is what’s wrong with America, simply by way of the fact that no one gets to hear him argue with anybody.
I’ve heard him called extreme once – in a YouTube comment. He’s been called liberal – by a Conservative. He’s never been called a liar, though, and he’s never lost objectivity.
The real reason he’s not on TV can be summarized by middle school algebra, actually. Meet the Press wants to talk about story A and how it relates to story B. Story A indicates this and that, while story B reflects Story A’s ability to really outline the effects of Story B and A+B=A all over again. Let’s consult Mr. Chomsky on this. Chomsky’s response? “Well A and B are correlated, there’s no denying that, but you will see that if you look back through history and compare it to what’s happening with Story C and even the peasants revolt taking place today in Story D (EDITOR: didn’t see C and D coming, did ya fucker?), you’ll see that Story A and B are just an unfortunate side effect of Story E and what’s going on in relation to Story E. Now you see, Story E is unique because of this and that, and I think if we step back and think—”
“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Chomsky that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Thank you for coming on – we’ve still got so much to talk about. I really hope you’ll come back and talk to us again, it’s been a pleasure having you.”
Concision, kids. He lacks it. But did you ask for it? Write NBC, ABC, CBS (leave Fox alone, though, nobody takes them seriously except your stupid neighbor) and tell them you want real discussion on important events. They’ll laugh at you of course, but you can always tell them…just to say you did it, I guess. But let’s face it. Nothing’s going to change. They’ll ride us like whores because we let them fuck us like whores. And when I said write to the networks, I meant mail them letter-bombs with concise slogans like HOPE or CHANGE written on the packaging. They listen to concision, apparently, so maybe this is a good approach. Nothing says concision like a bomb-blast to the face, which is all that TV news is, if you think about it. Domestic terrorism of the mind.
Fuck concision. Concision is something lesbians like. “We’re here! We’re queer!” ….I know. Your point? Oh, you’ve been conditioned not to actually substantiate a claim by nightly news programs such as Heads Talk and Important Issues THAT MATTER MOST TO YOU, YOU FUCKING MCDONALD’S EATING PIECE OF SHIT HYPOCRITE. Yeah, I understand. The concision of your sound-byte argument makes up in attitude what it lacks in substance, right? Did Bill O’Reilly teach you that? Your own worst enemy is often who you parallel, or intersect perpendicularly – or inconsequentially, as you see fit.
‘But hey…I listen to Rage Against the Machine,’ you think. Stand up to the Man, you fucking lazy honkies. I swear to God, we need the fucking bombs of freedom exploding over our skies. They’ll call it terrorism, but that’s how America was fucking born, and how it’ll die. Bombings. Carpet-bombings. Nuclear bombings. Gas-bombing our own students, anti-protests and tanks running over people, just like the streets of China – that’s our future, America. And you welcomed it here when you voted for sleaze bags with big campaign finances in the local primaries – fuckers like Bill Richardson would not have even gotten close to the Presidential Race if it weren’t for you. And he seemed like a good guy when pitted against Mitt Romney and the likes of Gore, Obama and fucking Hillary Quittin. And McCain…what a joke. What a joke the whole god damn thing has been. You told it America, and I guess my reaction is the punchline?
I got an email today. The subject line reads “Fear is Winning.” I agree. It’s from freepress.org. They’re big money grassroots. I met them at the National Conference for Media Reform last year (or was it the year before last?). They’re big money. I used to campaign heavily, personally taxing myself at great lengths to protect net neutrality and that’s how I got wrapped up with them. They do email me every so often, saying, “Net Neutrality under fire again.” I think that issue is their catch-all. People have donated a lot of money to them in the name of Net Neutrality, believing that’s all they do. I don’t know, man. I used to really follow them. I would even go so far as to mail out their auto-letter, where the thing is written for me or I could add what I wanted to it. I don’t know if I trust them anymore, though, given that they make all that money, and I am afraid to just sign a letter they’ve already written for me. So I don’t do that anymore. I write my own letters. Congress used to get letters from me saying, “I would like you to vote on proposition 327 in favor of…” – now they read, “You savage fucking crooks! How could you rape your own countrymen as if we are your back-alley whores and prostitutes. We don’t serve you, you serve us, now get down on your knees and pray to your fake-ass God you don’t have to work for all that money you get.”
I think the message is clearer my way. But I still use freepress’s handy interface to “mail my local congresswhore.”
So after all this, I bid you goodnight, dear readers, and I hope that I wake up tomorrow and find in the AP wire “Extremist exposes himself to a federal judge after reading internet news column.” I’d do it for you, dorks. Now fuck off, I’m drunk.
Los Angeles, Ca.–Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist and author of the popular 2007 book Death by Black Hole, confirmed the Earth is in fact doomed to survive through the routine events of December 21, 2012.
The educated assurance of this world-renowned scientist is rumored by analysts to have no bearing on those who already believe the world is going to end, or those who want to believe the end is near. Elf Wax scientists point to evidence of a parallel school of irrational constructs known as “Christianity” in which its members unwaveringly believe “a magical man lives in the sky, rewarding good behavior, damning the bad, harshly judgmental of everyone but enveloping by contradictory default the subjective individual with understanding, infinite forgiveness.”
Experts say that because human beings are prone to holding such “ridiculous” superstitions, there is no longer any point in acknowledging them and therefore all stories involving concepts categorized as religion or auto-philosophy (a concept similar to auto-fellatio but taking place in the mind rather than upon the genitals) in the future are no longer newsworthy as they are meaningless and stand in the way of human progression toward enlightenment.
Added John Hippenstock, lead Elf Wax scientist, oceanographer, and autophilosopher, “Fuck you and the zeitgeist. And Jane Fonda. The West is the best! The South Beach Diet will rise again. Woo!” Dr. Hippenstock then revealed two revolvers, fired them wildly into the air, holstered them, defecated, ripped off his pants, moaned incoherently, and proceeded to recite pi out to the twenty-seventh decimal, which is – not coincidentally – 27.
Two political candidates are fighting to be The One who gets your vote this November (that’s only a figure of speech, your votes aren’t actually counted).Of them, both are liars, and the third?What’s his name, Loser McCain (L), he wants war so nobody’s voting for him.If you don’t understand that, then look around you.We’re more at war with ourselves thanIraq.Iraq?TheIraq War?What a sham.
The whole point of it is to keepAmericain the throes of its State-Issued Nervous Breakdown of 2008, not too dissimilar from its counteraction to the Summer of Love forty years prior, except this time instead of Love there was Fear and nobody in particular is at the wheel of this negative driving force.
Of course, that means for you there is something like one hundred thousand reasons to hide from your own government because technology is being used against us as a means for control.The Feds don’t show up at your house for nothing, no they appear because they’ve been watching your activity.They know what you download and know more about what you upload, so watch yourself.Images, words, video, information, a war on knowledge itself is being waged against not only Americans but humanity and what is forbidden is a regional delicacy, much like snails in France and cats in China.It all tastes bitter, though.
Sometimes all I really want from you fuckers is the ability to piece together a reasoning thought, but you can’t really do that, can you?No, that’s why you voted for Bush the second time around—because you’re an unthinking peon of the servant masses who is so easily swayed by the messages mass media is shoving down your throats that maybe you think it tastes good to act in favor of what the “adults” are doing.Well, I’ve got news for you kids, bad fucking news (but what does that mean? Good news is news too, right? Yeah, get a grip you tool) and it’s about some shit you aren’t willing to understand; think about this election right now.Really think about what the candidates mean to you.What’s the difference in John McCain and Barack Obama, and why aren’t people making more jokes about these losers?Is it because the political machine has managed to elude even the highest form of humor?Is this the Bible Incarnate?Far from it, but it may still yet be a signal of the apocalypse, if you consider the implications of any of these political jokers and compare it to your own basis for reason, which may or may not hinge on the conditional truth of a Sunday Hour Fairy Tale, brought to you by the Southern Baptists and Pedophile Catholics.This just in, you’re a whore.
So what do they mean to us, Galloway?Enlighten your readers.Well, that choice is yours.Wal-Mart or K-Mart?Sheetz or the WaWa?Constriction, or the Illusion of Freedom?Forget the Republican.People are sick of the GOP.If he gets elected, well we can go ahead and prepare for the freezing over of the Old Testament realization of Hell and settle in for a long Nuclear Winter.Buy canned spinach.So now you have a choice between someone who’s going to baldly lie to your face because you expect a little “politicking” from your elected leader (that’s how you know they’re doing their damn jobs), or someone who is going to lead you down a dead-end path of contrived forced progressivism.The choice is yours.Most of you have already voted.My sources are telling me you voted as I knew you would, and for your own sake probably should, so at this point I can only offer my apologies on behalf of the system that has failed us all again.If I had anything to do with it, you can bet your ass I’d write a very loud-mouthed bill that would not even be considered for a legitimate proposal and subsequent vote before the House or Congress – but we all know that as an institution they too have failed us and the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches are so out of whack that the poison is visibly oozing from them – internet porn rings, pedophilia, whorehouses, gay bathhouses – all part of the Washington Routine that you read about every week in the Post.But fuck pretending to be the president for your own crippled speculation. Oh, what the Hell, if I were president, I’d deactivate the nationally accredited police force and let the cannibals, thieves, dope fiends, degenerates, plane hijackers, murderers, rapists, junkies, and local state representatives pick your fucking bones clean because I despise you as a people, as a nation, as a fifty-year-old man sucking on his mother’s tits, because you’re a failure of an overweight Nation and you’re even a failure as a complacent people, and you’re a failure as a society, and you need to be brought down off that fucking high horse you’ve been trouncing around on since you discovered higher levels of consciousness behind the peel-off-and-win Burger King cup.
Getting back to my point:I loathe your existence.Your presence is poison.But here you’ll always be, populating this Fair Country, nodding in agreement to Dr. Phil and Judge Joe Brown, wishing more people were like Oprah, and guffawing at the atrocities CNN occasionally shows taking place in countries like Sudan and North Korea only to forget about it when your chunky butterball wife pulls another burned pot roast out of the oven in hopes that it makes your dick just hard enough to slide into her arid, sticky vagina long enough to deposit your Pepsi-ridden seed before falling flaccid at the sudden awareness of what you truly are in that orgasmic moment of painful, anus-itching realization that life, and indeed control over your life snuck away when you weren’t looking.
But either candidate can and indefinitely will ensure continuance of the aforementioned lifestyle.So go on.Fear and Ignorance is on the ticket. Vote for it.