New study links marijuana to hunger, passivity

Researchers at Elf Wax Laboratories concluded Tuesday that smoking marijuana leads to feelings of intense euphoria, joy, laughter, even thoughtfulness, but most of all, hunger and laziness.

“Some people may experience contradictions. First the user may find himself getting hungry, but this is immediately overcome by a sweeping sense of apathy,” said leading Elf Wax Medical Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong. Apathy toward one’s body is what cancer researchers hope will push medical marijuana use into the mainstream but for now, he said marijuana serves only to atrophy muscles away in front of a hockey game on XBOX 360 through a two-pronged effect that also includes “not eating because you spent all your money on weed and Mountain Dew.”

Kerri Holt, drug warrior
Kerri Holt does her part in the War on Drugs and appears to be winning.

“I’ve been smoking weed five times a day for three consecutive years,” said one marijuana user who wished to remain anonymous, “and I have only been having mild strokes and liver failure, although that is because I also drink all day every day and eat Vicoden for breakfast. Pot is safer than most people think and for those of you who say it’s a gateway drug, I have one thing to say to you: I drink because my dad used to beat me.”

Most users report a feeling of euphoria while others describe episodes of panic and terror immediately following marijuana use. Anxiety, Dr. Armstrong said, is your mind trying to tell your body that something’s wrong. If one can successfully shut off all thoughts originating from the logic center of the brain, as most women inherently can, then a person may truly begin to bottle up feelings of insecurity, aggression and rage that under normal circumstances might be directed toward the corporate-sponsored military-industrial complex, and that user can then turn those negative feelings inward on themselves. NIDA’s (National Institute on Drug Abuse) website advises people to “Take a deep breath and embrace this opportunity to hate yourself.”

Marijuana is a popular tool for the U.S. Government to control the minds of free-thinkers. By keeping the drug illegal, they satisfy the interests of pharmaceutical companies who could not compete with marijuana and they delude the public into believing smoking reefer is a means of actualizing the mind’s often-dormant potential they do not want you to have access to. Its true effects include the right combination of apathy, disinterest, emotional desensitization, and illusory transient understanding of the forces that guide us to allow the shadow government to act in darkness, along their pre-determined circuits through the blind spots of our knowledge. Also, it goes without saying that many people who smoke grass believe the act alone of getting high is a rebellion in and of itself and their hat is now in the political arena; stickers are going out on all future election days with the slogan “I stayed home and got high!” printed on it as opposed to “I voted!” “It means the same fucking thing,” a sticker-girl told reporters around the Tabernacle Church voting booths.

"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks
"I fuckin' hate the government, man. So I smoke weed and just try to forget about it." - Some white guy with dreadlocks

In addition to marijuana, our correspondent said bumper stickers and Facebook groups are also on the rise, among other types of “armchair activism” that includes signing online petitions and forwarding emails. “People aren’t just smoking weed to get nothing done. They’re also sitting around watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, eating at McDonald’s and refreshing on average five to eleven FOX-news-related twitter pages per day.”

I’m just so glad all those annoying anti-war protesters in the streets in Washington finally have a place to go,” said housewife Maude Davis, 73. “Now the only protesters you ever hear about are those religious types, and I like them because they stand up for the sanctity of life.”

The War on Drugs is not over yet, for as long as Nature has something to offer, the government will be there to regulate it. New laws are coming this Spring to a local law enforcement agency near you. Stay tuned for tips on how to think, live and feel.

The Third World War on the Third World

Got filthy communism?  Try Napalm Brand
Got filthy Communism? Try Napalm

Now that the “War on Terror” has been declared officially over, President Hussein Obama has declared war on the Third World, which in fact has been going on since Vietnam. His policy of honesty has been met with complete apathy. America and its satellite nations are engaged in a campaign to eradicate any progress in developing countries which may threaten future corporate profit. Vietnamese, Iraqis, and Afghanis have learned how powerless they are as they drink Coca Cola in lieu of a clean water supply.

In America, things are very quiet.  Airplanes are loaded with Prozac and leave aerosol trails of obedience and submissive behavior in a perfect grid over the nation. The only people who seem to be capable of any type of outrage are only expressing it towards the most trivial changes in their lives. So-called “Tea Parties,” have shifted most of their vitriolic hate-protest towards the new Facebook layout.

Energy, Budget Cut, Tax, Lift American Spirits. A proper Tea Party.
Energy, Budget Cut, Tax, Lift American Spirits. A proper Tea Party.

Sarah Palin has gripped the reins of this hateful group and begun steering it towards her own agenda. Palin’s pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric has been ramped up tenfold by her newly discovered technique of writing and reading from her hand. Palin’s bestselling memoir Going Rogue: An American Life is now on sale at Wal Mart for a suspiciously low price. Originally “My Struggle: An American Life,” the title was changed by the publisher at the last-minute for an undisclosed reason.

In Italy, America has bastardized traditional Italian ingredients to form a “partially edible” new sandwich cleverly named the McItaly. This sandwich is obviously a collusion between McDonald’s and the highest levels of Italian government. Elf Wax sources have revealed McDonald’s plans for the McHaiti-a sandwich made entirely with misappropriated food relief. McHaitis will be distributed to crowds of hungry people with compressed air guns by employees dressed as Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and other beloved McDonald’s friends.

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald's "food product"

Today, 11 people died when a local McDonald’s announced a new item on their Dollar menu. The sandwich promised to contain so much grease and sugar, you were guaranteed a doctor’s visit redeemable with an official voucher printed and attached to every receipt.

While people continue to kill themselves from the inside out by eating McDonald’s hamgurgers, on Friday, brutal tramplings killed three children and an elderly couple, among six other victims whose remains have been sent to RPD for identification.

Officer Hindenson told reporters this afternoon, “The police are ready to hand out a killer slap on the wrist,” to those involved in Friday’s stomping-related deaths.

“We just want to see justice brought to the guilty few who halted the restaurant’s flow of business on the busiest second shift of the week,” said Officer Hendenson. “We deeply regret that these reckless, dying persons saw it fit to lay in the doorway and die while hundreds of hungry patrons impatiently waited outside.”

“All they wanted to do was give McDonald’s money.”
State-appointed attorney for McDonald’s victims

Hendenson indicated that since the perpetrators in the slayings are now dead, claims may have to be filed against their families.

McDonald’s lawyers were not immediately available for comment, but experts say the company stands to gain roughly $6.7 billion paid in reparations by the survivors.

The coke-addled state-appointed attorney defending the dead victims of what the media is calling the “Fries Eleven” tragedy released a troubling statement to reporters earlier this afternoon. It reads:

Now take one minute, if you will, a moment of silence; a moment of prayer; for the friends and family members of the employees and manager on duty. Let’s pray that they get their shit together, and are not too freaked out by all those customers dying.FRIES-ELEVEN

We need them to pull it together for the big win on Saturday, when returning patrons, newly-addicted to the McGrease, return in droves among fresh customers to create what is expected to be the most powerful surge of fast food patronage the United States has seen since the toxic release of the formidable Happy Meal in the early 1980s.

“When the Happy Meal came out, there were slayings. Savage, shameful mutilations of human beings the likes of which the Manson Family could never have dreamed of,” said Officer Hendinson, gleefully.

“We’re hoping we won’t have to release the hounds, but we have entire squads of men stationed in and around every McDonald’s between here and Henrico County. They are armed with mace, riot batons, rape-sticks, and caustic battery acid rounds. They’re non-lethal, of course. We have everything under control.”

To find follow-ups to this rapidly-developing story, check our Twitter account and shit like that.