AMERICA CAN’T LOOK AWAY! Trainwreck Sensation Little Honey Boo Boo Empowers Market With Fearless March Toward Diabetes

Move over, “Toddlers & Tiaras!” Because there’s a new girl in town. . .

Fresh from the impaired minds of The Learning Channel executives who brought you “What Not to Wear,” “Randy to the Rescue,” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” comes little Honey Boo Boo.

Tune in this fall as fat Michelin-man shaped rednecks flop into a mud hole repeating Larry the Cable Guy memes, until you think you just can’t take it anymore. Then, wait for Honey Boo Boo to win back your heart with cute emotional avoidances, like, “You better redneckocgnize!”

“Redneckognize” is a play on words which combines all the ignorance brought to mind by the euphemistic racial slur “redneck,” with the word “recognize,” or to consider again; literally, to identify something or someone previously seen, such as the degradation of educational cable TV stations.

And if you learn anything from this corporate-induced delusional exploit, you’ll learn Little Honey Boo Boo is hardly the meanest one, or the baddest of the bunch. Indeed, much of her family is being paid and encouraged to reinforce every stereotype television helped create. WATCH IT EVERY NIGHT FOR ALL I CARE!

Watch for producers to inject new cutesy catch phrases, such as “Where’s mah insulin?”

NPR EXECUTIVE IMPLIES CRITICISM OF FATAH VERBOTEN

BALTIMOAR – Sunni Khalid, long-time managing editor at WYPR-FM, posted Facebook comments deemed controversial about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. NPR’s reaction to the comments would indicate the author’s remarks were at odds with core values of the radio station.

Mr. Khalid posted this on a friend’s Facebook page:

“I, for one, have had enough of this pandering before the Israeli regime . . . The war-mongering toward Iran has, once again, distracted the world from Israel’s brutal military occupation of the West Bank, East Jerusalem and the Golan Heights.”

Sunni Khalid no longer works with NPR after posting Facebook comment
Sunni Khalid, journalist and Facebook user

Tony Brandon, president of the station, seemed very interested in understanding the outlet with whom he was speaking. Due to Mr. Brandon’s apparent decision to terminate an employee for his political expression, we thought it best to go undercover, and had a reporter pose as an ordinary, concerned citizen. While transparency is ideal, Chronicle editors agreed that Mr. Brandon’s ability to formulate personnel policy might have been jeopardized by specific, powerful political interests, rather than vague ideas outlined on a generic policy page.

What began as a call of a concerned citizen eventually yielded Mr. Brandon’s claimed deference to NPR guidelines, which have seen the termination of Washington-based employees for attending Daily Show host Jon Stewart’s 2010 Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear.

Mr. Brandon declined to answer a direct question as to whether criticism of West Bank-dominant Palestinian political party, Fatah, would engender a termination of Mr. Khalid, whose gender a Chronicle reporter was unaware, due to his completely politically correct, gender-blind sensibilities; in addition to utter ignorance of different cultures.

Listen, in real time, as Tony Brandon, President and General Manager of NPR Baltimore dodges a question of ethics:
[audio:http://chronicle.su/wp-content/uploads/LS1101261.mp3|titles=Sunni Khalid inquiry to Tony Brandon of NPR by Tyler Bass]

“Damn kids and their questions without answers! When will they learn to consult our policy first!?”

OFFICIAL ANONYMOUS COMMUNICATION FROM SABU

Comrades,

I have received the first communication from Sabu since the twisted story about him being a snitch was published by Fox News. As it turns out, Sabu purposefully got himself V&, in hopes that this day would come, fully knowing the way that the Government would try to smear him. But we are Anonymous and we will always find the truth. Tonight, Sabu delivered me the truth.

The FBI was dealt a mortal blow as Sabu used his FBI connections to hack Stratfor and save the world. Sabu knew that the FBI would team up with Fox News to tell us all the lie that he was a rat, but he thought ahead. All those angry rants against snitches? You got it, that was a code. It meant, “I was working as a triple agent every step of the way!” How fucking Genius of Sabu, to purposefully get himself v&! ALL the documents from the FBI are falsified and the testimonials of him getting arrested and claiming to be an FBI agent is yet another fabrication in this extremely convoluted but all-to-plausible scenario. The coup de grace is Stratfor, which could have never been attained had Sabu not infiltrated the FBI as he did. When Sabu’s court day comes you can be sure it will be under Terrorism NDAA guidelines and no one will even see Sabu make the OUTRAGEOUS claim that he actually infiltrated the FBI and then the government, as usual, will enforce a TOTAL MEDIA BLACKOUT on this story so no one knows how great Sabu really was.

Sabu Saved the World by Outing Stratfor.

NEVER BELIEVE THE FBI

NEVER BELIEVE FOX NEWS

ALWAYS BELIEVE IN ANONYMOUS

WE ARE SAVING THE WORLD

WE DO NOT FORGIVE

WE KINDA FORGOT ABOUT JESSIE SLAUGHTER

IS THIS ALL SOME SICK JOKE???

ANOTHER MEME TURNED UNFUNNY???

OH GOD, OH GOD!!!!!!

THIS POLITICAL MOVEMENT IS JUST… ITS ONLY…. LIKE MILHOUSE ON REDDIT MAKING JOKES ABOUT RICK SANTORUM

EXPECT US

Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

So we didn’t reach out to anybody, exactly. But it did keep me from moving in with a lesbian. You see, I was going to move in with my girlfriend. She’s not the lesbian. Just keep reading you lazy fuck, you’ll get the story. We don’t dumb it down, you’ll have to cope, sound it out, we’ll get through this together. Anyway, things “didn’t work out” so I had to put an advert out on the most hilarious website in the Universe, craigslist. Man, I don’t even know where to begin about that website. God it’s greater than The Beatles. Anyway, I found this lesbian who was looking for a place to live. Real naive girl who didn’t have her shit together but knew she wanted to move out of mommy’s house. So, being desperate to move into this sweet, overpriced ghetto apartment as soon as possible, I told her we’d sign the lease together the following day if she liked the apartment. She did like it, and we agreed that it would be pretty cool.

However.

In my craigslist ad, I indicated that I’m an editor for The Glorious and Critically-Acclaimed Elf Wax Times.

Where I live, you can’t find peace on the back porch, because some low-life have-not bum will hit you up for a “cig” or failing that, the beer out of your hand. Come test it out if you want. You’ll say, “Hey Elf Wax was right, that fucking loser can’t afford his own cigarettes, yet somehow he’s addicted to them.” Actually don’t come over. I’m sitting in my underwear playing PS3 online and I don’t want shit to do with you unless you are good at Pixel Junk Monsters and have weed. And in this editor’s experience, that pretty much means no one’s coming over.

Anyway, this lesbian and her dyke mommy fired up the old cable modem and took a peek at what her future roommate has been doing with his livelihood. And boy were they amused, or some other emotional contradistinction of a similar degree. Here’s the jist of the half-hour phone call I received at 9 o’clock the same night we looked at the place together:

“Heroin junkheads anonymous. Smack your addiction. How may I help you?”

“James?”

“Yeah what’s up?”

“James, we need to talk.”

Hot damn, I thought. What’s this girl trying to do? Usually only Lauren’s allowed to call me saying that. “Sure, what is it?” I asked, knowing it would not be good.

“This website,” she began. Jesus Christ, it was just like Weenus, Incorporated and high school. How familiar with this situation I am… “Do you write all the stuff on here?”

“Yeah. You must really like it to want to call me and talk about it. But that’s OK, I know it’s good.”

“Well, my mom and I were looking at it and it’s starting to creep me out.”

“Creep you out? Was there something on there that bothered you?”

“Well, the last three stories. And basically everything by Media Mogul. Is that you?”

“Ah, well yeah sorta. You see, ‘we all’ write under that name. I have five writers, every one of them posting under it. Only the regulars get their own pseudonym.” I’m starting to cover my ass but I can tell it’s already too late. I might even have to kill her.

It goes on like this for the next 20 minutes. She tells me about her ideology and how it affects her to the core. “I’m a lesbian, and a lot of the stuff you say. Like your opinions. Like, I don’t know if I’m gonna have to put a padlock on my bedroom door, ya know?” (those doors are hollow honey, a padlock won’t do you any good, I thought) “Am I gonna have to look over my shoulder all the time? Sleep with my eyes open?”

I’m laughing quietly to myself at this point. I even mute the phone to tell the others around me what I am hearing, as well as relaying our conversation via gmail chat to some of the other writers online. It was just so unbelievably funny, that I had to make sure others could remember it as it happened, or else it’d be forever denied as some fabrication or a future embellishment of an early point in the Grand Legend of The Elf Wax Times. This website has cost me a roommate.

The first casualty of war between The Elf Wax Times and the world was not a job, or a friend, or a girlfriend, or my car, or a possession charge – but a dyke roommate. No loss, she had bad teeth and an ugly haircut. Oh, and her attitude was just deplorable, not to mention embarrassing.

Hot, rare lesbians
She looked nothing like this

“There’s a lot of penis love, and woman hating. And I understand that – boys will be boys.” Yep. And stupid judgmental, hypocrite lesbians will be stupid hypocritical lesbians. This is a girl who expressed to me “We shouldn’t have police. That’s just my opinion. That’s why I want a shotgun. The police are pointless. Fuck the government. We’ll take care of ourselves.” I remember thinking to myself, hey a lesbian I can agree with.” And in all fairness, it stands to reason that a person who harbors such a strong opinion toward the government and humanity might not necessarily love the Elf Wax Times, but see that there’s room enough for this line of thinking, questioning, enough to where any reasonable man would expect the same kind of acceptance for his beliefs equal to that which he gracefully engages, right? Wrong. Not with judgmental hypocrite lesbians. In fact, once we got to talking about The Times, I said, “Yeah I remember you talking ‘down with the government.’ You ever think about writing? We need writers.”

“Yeah, poetry,” was her response. The tone of her voice changed to cautious optimism.

I said, “Oh, well nevermind. We need real writers.”

And that was pretty much that. She called me the next morning waking me up with some excuse about insurance. “If I move out of my mother’s place, I lose my insurance, and that’s like $1,400 and I just can’t afford to move out now, I guess.” I thought, yeah whatever, but if that really is the case…then what we’ve got is not only a judgmental homosexual hypocrite, but a stupid judgmental homosexual hypocrite – almost reduntant in theory, but certainly not in practice. Way to plan ahead, stupid bitch. Or way to tell a transparent lie because you’re too spineless to stand behind some stupid shit you said. Either way, good fucking riddance.

And that’s about all there is to say about the worthless cunt from two weeks ago. Except that yeah, we here at The Elf Wax Times still would’ve hit it.

And hey, this isn’t to say we hate women, or even gays or gay women. In fact, lesbian porn is alright. I have lesbian friends that I wouldn’t want to see in a lesbian porno, but then again, they’re probably not real lesbians. Gay friends, too, people I would do anything for. Well, anything but that. Plus, you’ll never have a gay guy get in your face and say, “Hey Bubba, I think Christian’s the only way to be and I’ll take you out back and kick yer fuckin’ ass if ya say it ain’t again.” You’ll never meet a gay guy who threatens your alpha male status. Likewise, you’ll never meet a gay guy who steals your girlfriend, unless they’re going shopping – and if that happens, bring him over for dinner at least once a week to ensure a long and prosperous relationship with your happy girlfriend who no longer makes you shop with her. You’ll also never accuse a woman of “shopping around with other men.” All in all, leg-shavers aren’t too bad, either. But mostly they are.

On that note, I would like to change the subject. The Rolling Stones stole a beat from Bo Diddly. But the law doesn’t protect drumbeats from copyright infringements. Go figure.

Moving on, I’d like to completely change the subject again using this beautiful transition that I call a period following a sentence. You like it because I tell you to like it. You’re a coward and too afraid to formulate your own opinion, so I’m going to tell you what to think here in a minute. Just sit tight. I learned this from Rush Limbaugh.

Alright, I’ve got myself another beer and I’m one step closer to enlightenment. Or blacking out. One or the two, they’re both the same in the cold, dark end, following a well-timed nuclear holocaust. Now it’s time to molest your little eyes with the truth, my babies. Prepare yourselves for a pointed statement.

Noam Chomsky said that the reason he is not on these late-night TV talk shows can be summarized by one word: concision, something he reportedly lacks. And it’s a judgment he agrees with because, you see, politics and economics and social structure are complex issues that require thoughtful, lengthy dialog, sometimes in the form of exchanged monologue. TV News and Talking Head Shows require their guests to answer a question or refute a claim in two sentences or less. It can’t take more than 30 seconds. The whole idea must be discussed between commercial breaks. Given this, actual intellectual discussion is abandoned, retarding any true progression of American ideology and standing in the way of enlightening discussion of important issues such as the military-industrial complex, the space program, the failures of mainstream media, or the government’s role in health care, if any. This means Noam Chomsky simply won’t be heard, in spite of the fact that he is the most reasonable, thoughtful man you’ll ever hear talking about modern issues that affect us all. His ideas may lack “concision”, but make up for it by the fact that after listening to him, you are enlightened and put at ease; put at ease not by means of pacification, or pandering, but you find yourself eased by reason, something TV news is lacking, and something we’ve learned to live without. Noam Chomsky is what’s wrong with America, simply by way of the fact that no one  gets to hear him argue with anybody.

I’ve heard him called extreme once – in a YouTube comment. He’s been called liberal – by a Conservative. He’s never been called a liar, though, and he’s never lost objectivity.

The real reason he’s not on TV can be summarized by middle school algebra, actually. Meet the Press wants to talk about story A and how it relates to story B. Story A indicates this and that, while story B reflects Story A’s ability to really outline the effects of Story B and A+B=A all over again. Let’s consult Mr. Chomsky on this. Chomsky’s response? “Well A and B are correlated, there’s no denying that, but you will see that if you look back through history and compare it to what’s happening with Story C and even the peasants revolt taking place today in Story D (EDITOR: didn’t see C and D coming, did ya fucker?), you’ll see that Story A and B are just an unfortunate side effect of Story E and what’s going on in relation to Story E. Now you see, Story E is unique because of this and that, and I think if we step back and think—”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Chomsky that’s all we’ve got time for tonight. Thank you for coming on – we’ve still got so much to talk about. I really hope you’ll come back and talk to us again, it’s been a pleasure having you.”

Concision, kids. He lacks it. But did you ask for it? Write NBC, ABC, CBS (leave Fox alone, though, nobody takes them seriously except your stupid neighbor) and tell them you want real discussion on important events. They’ll laugh at you of course, but you can always tell them…just to say you did it, I guess. But let’s face it. Nothing’s going to change. They’ll ride us like whores because we let them fuck us like whores. And when I said write to the networks, I meant mail them letter-bombs with concise slogans like HOPE or CHANGE written on the packaging. They listen to concision, apparently, so maybe this is a good approach. Nothing says concision like a bomb-blast to the face, which is all that TV news is, if you think about it. Domestic terrorism of the mind.

Fuck concision. Concision is something lesbians like. “We’re here! We’re queer!” ….I know. Your point? Oh, you’ve been conditioned not to actually substantiate a claim by nightly news programs such as Heads Talk and Important Issues THAT MATTER MOST TO YOU, YOU FUCKING MCDONALD’S EATING PIECE OF SHIT HYPOCRITE. Yeah, I understand. The concision of your sound-byte argument makes up in attitude what it lacks in substance, right? Did Bill O’Reilly teach you that? Your own worst enemy is often who you parallel, or intersect perpendicularly – or inconsequentially, as you see fit.

‘But hey…I listen to Rage Against the Machine,’ you think. Stand up to the Man, you fucking lazy honkies. I swear to God, we need the fucking bombs of freedom exploding over our skies. They’ll call it terrorism, but that’s how America was fucking born, and how it’ll die. Bombings. Carpet-bombings. Nuclear bombings. Gas-bombing our own students, anti-protests and tanks running over people, just like the streets of China – that’s our future, America. And you welcomed it here when you voted for sleaze bags with big campaign finances in the local primaries – fuckers like Bill Richardson would not have even gotten close to the Presidential Race if it weren’t for you. And he seemed like a good guy when pitted against Mitt Romney and the likes of Gore, Obama and fucking Hillary Quittin. And McCain…what a joke. What a joke the whole god damn thing has been. You told it America, and I guess my reaction is the punchline?

I got an email today. The subject line reads “Fear is Winning.” I agree. It’s from freepress.org. They’re big money grassroots. I met them at the National Conference for Media Reform last year (or was it the year before last?). They’re big money. I used to campaign heavily, personally taxing myself at great lengths to protect net neutrality and that’s how I got wrapped up with them. They do email me every so often, saying, “Net Neutrality under fire again.” I think that issue is their catch-all. People have donated a lot of money to them in the name of Net Neutrality, believing that’s all they do. I don’t know, man. I used to really follow them. I would even go so far as to mail out their auto-letter, where the thing is written for me or I could add what I wanted to it. I don’t know if I trust them anymore, though, given that they make all that money, and I am afraid to just sign a letter they’ve already written for me. So I don’t do that anymore. I write my own letters. Congress used to get letters from me saying, “I would like you to vote on proposition 327 in favor of…” – now they read, “You savage fucking crooks! How could you rape your own countrymen as if we are your back-alley whores and prostitutes. We don’t serve you, you serve us, now get down on your knees and pray to your fake-ass God you don’t have to work for all that money you get.”

I think the message is clearer my way. But I still use freepress’s handy interface to “mail my local congresswhore.”

So after all this, I bid you goodnight, dear readers, and I hope that I wake up tomorrow and find in the AP wire “Extremist exposes himself to a federal judge after reading internet news column.” I’d do it for you, dorks. Now fuck off, I’m drunk.

Media-induced Hypochondria Pandemic Sweeps the Nation

In a recent E.W. Times poll, 45% of Americans aged 18 and over admitted they believed they were suffering symptoms of Swine Flu H1N1 Virus. With a total of fifty-seven confirmed cases and two deaths, hospitals are being swamped by millions each day with flu-like symptoms whom mostly consider themselves the walking dead. “The strange thing is,” Dr Angstrom H. Troubador reports, “Almost all of these people are perfectly healthy, except for the psychological illness that has programmed itself into their brain through evening news.”
Hospitals have begun refusing admittance to any persons claiming to have Swine Flu or even just flu-like symptoms in some instances. “If they even mention the word Swine in my hospital, they’re out,” Dr. Troubador admits. “I used to tell these people to take a break from their televisions, but that seemed to anger them more than anything.” Cultural heresy aside, television has spread a much more dangerous virus than the H1N1.
Hospital waiting rooms nationwide are completely filled with healthy people, leaving no doubt that some of them will contract Swine Flu simply by waiting to get help they don’t need. In the long term, Dr. Troubador expects hospitals to continue closing their doors to Swine Flu patients, even if the pandemic actually begins to spread. “You can’t fool us doctors like you have so easily been fooled yourselves. We won’t EVER treat anyone claiming to have H1N1 virus!”

News no longer newsworthy

This stack of newspapers has hardly been touched

Stay tuned for the following rant

Washington, D.C.–Just as protesters marched on the nation’s capitol to keep pressure on the new president’s foreign policy, war policy, and end worldwide occupations Saturday, the Obama administration is ramping up for a new war on Iran.

In an expected twist, the joke is on the peaceniks. As it turns out the joke has always has been on peace-loving freaks because the American public has been lied to so much throughout every war the country has ever been in, that there is no way to stage a truly educated demonstration. There is no effective way of communicating anything to the government without looking like a baby trying to explain its own needs in proper English. But those who are large enough and loud enough to do so are met with resistance bombings and war.

From the slitted windows of the capitol buildings, and from inside Lockheed Martin and co., the CEOs, upper-ranking officials, and politicians laugh inside to themselves, their vision fixed on the ignorant masses clamoring to have their voices heard, chanting the best internet slogans the logical mind can apply to the irrational conditions the money-chasing military-industrial complex has created for them. Or maybe they aren’t laughing? Maybe they are too busy reveling in the deeper sense of their ability to control it: the game and its rules, from the flow of money to the reporting of news about where that money went, to occupations to infestations to exterminations and back around again into brand new broken nations. They are the masters of their own little corners of reality.

By sponsoring the news, they are immune from its “bad reporting”. Mainly bad because in the industry, it is frowned upon by executives if and when an unauthorized report shines negatively on Lockheed Martin, whose tentacles of many names sponsor your station, newspaper, or college, paying your paycheck, financing your scholarships, giving you free internet. This practice is known as “shitting where you eat”, and it does not pay the Audi bill. It’s a no-no and reporters lose jobs over it, even though they’re only trying to cover the truth, because the safety term is ‘conflict-of-interest’ by the books, but the truth of the matter is they don’t want anyone reporting on these companies which pay them anyway. This is how the media has become an entertainment industry and why it is no longer known as ‘the news’. This is why newspapers are dying and how the news has transformed into some globular cluster of pill company PR and cancer commercials, with the occasional lie-facts sheet thrown in and used as the inside source.

Because the news used to report facts. Here’s what it looked like earlier in the last century:

Here, you see men working. Digging for the facts, whatever they are. Whatever the detail is that they’re pulling out, you will get the story on it and you can bet the farm on every fact being crucial, pertinent, uninteresting and included. Everything newsworthy runs; everything that isn’t winds up on the floor. Even the Battle of LA was printed in this time. That’s kick-ass reporting!

Newsroom from 1920 [good job guys]

Below is another example of kickass news reporting. Listen to the reporter listing facts!

“Good evening, I’m so-and-so. Here’s the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. That was the news. I’ll see you tomorrow because I do my job.”

Now here’s what it looked like in 1990:

“Good evening, I’m so-and-so-II. Here’s the news. Fact. Fact. Fact. Fact. Opinion. This just in – I’m no longer a news anchor because I broke the golden rule of journalism by breaking objectivity.”

That’s right. The guy actually fired himself automatically for infracting on his public responsibility because that’s how religiously fucking objective he was expected to be, but deceit had already been creeping in by this point. This guy went on to be a huge success at CNN, NBC, MSNBC, CBS, FOX, ABC, and early on enjoyed moderate success with the Insane Clown Posse. Probably.

Newsroom in the 1990s
[see where this is headed?]

Here’s “the news” from 2009:

“Good afternoon, I’m a big name in Entertainment Weekly, and this is the news. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Interpretation of fact. Filtration of another fact. Small fact. Opinion. Outright slander. Fact half-supporting slanderous accusation. Closing opinion. And that’s how it really happened, folks. Behind closed doors here in my office.” Soon enough, news anchors are going to start telling us “Don’t touch that dial! Stay tuned for a message from our sponsors, and we’ll be right back with a filtered, uncalled-for-but-totally-gonna-happen review of the actual information obtained through our wire service.”

Newsroom from January, 2009

Oh that paparazzi! What wacky, outrageous story will they distract us with next?

“I farted.”

The Answer to the Questioning of Everything

Collegetown,USA—Very few classes teach us to ask questions.Quite the opposite, we are taught not to question, but to remember.But how does one learn without asking questions?What are we really being taught?

April’s Fool.Here you are, operating on the knowledge of those who died and lived before you.That should be proof enough for you, right?You read it in a history book, so you think you know without a doubt, without question, the way “shit went down” – that too is good enough for most free people, considering our history books are based on the collective journalistic consensus, kept fair and balanced by the embedded journalists of World Wars I & II, Viet Nam, Korea, but wait—what happened in Grenada?No, seriously…?The press were not allowed over there but isn’t that historical enough in itself?To anyone interested in freedom, it would seem like the massive cover-up of a ground invasion by U.S. forces is a very important thing to learn, perhaps even at a very early age, but you won’t find that little piece of information in any history book in America. “And we’ll never know why the government didn’t allow us to see what they did there, children, but hey—we weren’t supposed to know anyway, and there’s nothing we can do about that…so…enjoy lunch and continue to limit yourselves by hanging around your waterhead friends and be sure to watch MTV when you get home.I just read on the internet that Justin Timberlake’s ‘new’ song is topping today’s requests on TRL.”The grim reality of Grenada looks like this:hundreds of boatloads of journalists, reporters, all variety of the press were turned away; those who refused to leave based on some poorly upheld ethical concept of “the public’s right to know” were arrested and detained, to later be sent back to the continental US after spending a couple of days in a Green Zone holding cell with complimentary slits in the chamber wall so the fine men and women of the New York Times and Washington Post could enjoy that fresh Grenada air.

No reporter actually made it to the island so we don’t know what happened there.Ronald Reagan’s official comments went something like, “We liberated a lot of people.”In fact, we can only assume that the government even calls what happened inGrenadaa success because no one knows about it.In the end what we have is a really big win for not just Operation Urgent Fury (presumably) but for our intelligence offices which had not yet even begun to encounter the modern-day problems of large-scale faulty information.The times get simpler the farther back one looks and the real meaning of that lies in the perspective we have on our own government; if the history books are based primarily on the work of journalists, why did we only learn the good things our government did?Sure, they allowed an abomination or two to sprinkle in, but only to keep one superficial step away from the overbearing clampdown status of Communist China.Any alibi, for perverse reasons, is aided significantly by the defense, “We might be crooks, but we aren’t killers.”We’d never do anything to harm anybody.We just wanted their land/ power/ oil/ religion to die/ cooperation/ subservience.We spread democracy.The negative media attention aroundLincolnhad grown a dull roar during his critical moments in office, but that depends on what you were reading at the time.Was it a pamphleteer’s handout or an established newspaper, and what was the difference?The winners write history and up until recently,Americahas won, or at least purported to have won everything it’s ever had a hand in, despite circumstantial evidence to the contrary.Scratch that –Americawill win even when it loses.

So what does that mean for you, dear readers?It must be broken down by issues of class since the line that separates objective truth from subjective experience has now been aptly scorched.Memorize the data, and keep your little contrary mouths shut.It’s for the best.Admire us, and stay in your place.Let mediocrity and state servitude be your good example, because rebellion, sincerity, equality and intuition are no longer American values.That all belonged to the hippie-peace-free-love squalor we extinguished in the Sixties – a charade that did little more than justify the inaction of losers and junkies and embolden the State by instilling Fear into the hearts of the masses.But it felt so real didn’t it?How should we know?Were we there?That generation is dying, not entirely from old age (although that’s a factor too) but from a deficiency of some sort.What’s lacking today is fiber and gall, and purpose.But nevermind, it’s time to straighten up and fly right.You’re forced by an invisible hand now to teach what you’re taught and use your filtered knowledge of reality the way one might use a hammer without a handle.Just sort of take what you have and make the best of it, which is always going to be less than satisfactory and far less than what they’re willing to give you to boot, but you’ll be held responsible for bearing that burden yourself, or else turn your back on the system and wait to be eaten by the wolves.Hey, I know it sucks but what else can you do without detonating a small bomb?This is why the masses are satisfied watching “expert” analysis of the news rather than the ‘actual’ news.“Why, this is the news.What’s your fucking problem?It’s on at 11 o’clock, what else does your sniveling ass need in order to qualify it as the news?”What they mean to say is “Hey it’s not rocking the boat, and I’m comfortable with my role as a human resource and I really don’t want anything more than that and I especially don’t want someone telling me that’s a problem.”Okay, we’re smart people, on the average, or at least our readers are, so who are we to complain about a minor filter on the news?Just because some talking head puts a negative spin on a Republican pleasuring himself to pictures of naked Filipino boys doesn’t entail negligence of facts and that sure doesn’t make it wrong.We compare all stories to the Ultimate Truth.That is because this filtration which can be seen with our own eyes is apparently easy to work around and we’re comfortable doing that, and while the notion of having an opinion dictated for you in light of the facts is a kick in groin, it pales in comparison to what constitutes filtration at the source—and that’s where it starts to get fucked.

Many news agencies believe altering photographs and video to make it “appropriate” for audiences is an acceptable, ethical practice. Should we censor photographs in the newspapers?This is a question people are really asking.But what we should ask ourselves is, how is this even a question of ethics, or more importantly, why is this a question of ethics?“Because people don’t need to see graphic scenes of war, you hedonistic filth-monger, wanting to flood the media with scenes of flood victims and piles of bodies.”Perhaps it is deranged or somehow depraved to want people to see the real story with their own eyes without first witnessing the softening effects of Photoshop.Don’t hurt yourself on that photograph.It might be depraved to expect people to want to know the truth, or much worse—want to think for themselves.That might however be counterintuitive to the operation of a good clean country like George Bush wants.It would also fail to satisfy the transparent desires of either Democratic frontrunner in this façade of an election falling at the end of the sour year of 2008.One thing that’s certain, and we can all agree:this year has so far been better than 2007, perhaps even stocked with less per capita bullshit, but still – it’s difficult to ignore the sensation that we’ve missed something spectacular – like it happened right before our eyes and still somehow we missed it.That sensation is the by-product of an illusory trick played on us by the media giants who selected a candidate to win earlier this year.

What we can expect to see and hear around us in 2009, then, is a whole myriad of half-wit ‘free-thinkers’ engaging in political discussion based on a trifling of facts leaked by their mainstream news outlets.Quite the informed discussion, no doubt, taking place in every Starbucks across America—chock full of blame and lacking in substance, but what’s important is that finally the political left can relax after they get a president who they feel represents them and maybe the fear of this whole failing country will subside temporarily.But what does that mean?Very little to us, and soon enough it will mean less to you, dear readers.Living a filtered reality seems like a nice safe and blissfully ignorant sort of existence but the painful truth of the matter is that most people are happy with it.But not us, here at the Elf Wax Times.We want to see an antenna poking out of someone’s head, and abrasions on the film, and some asshole mucking up what would otherwise be a good shot – that’s reality, and truth, and needs to be left the fuck alone.And while three vague images of war being spliced together to make one very gruesome scene is captivating, it’s a god damn lie.Ordinarily, we here at the Times might embrace such a thing, but the fact that it is played off as anything more than basic entertainment is a slap in the face to our common values of decency and honesty, of our gullibility when it comes to taking the word of the press.To be told a lie is the truth.How far of a cry, then, is it to say that everything we know about existence could be one hundred percent false?How many times does the news, or a class, or a preacher, or a hobo inspire you to ask yourself that question?Here’s a tip:we exist only as a figment of our collective imagination in regards to what we believe ourselves to be a part of.Now alter a photograph of that.The expansion of the mind counters any argument that the human race is solid or long-lasting. What we believe people are and are not has less than nothing to do with what the Universe mapped out in its violent, birthing flicker at the release of all known energetic potential almost 14 billion years ago.

April Fool’s.