Neoliberalism Restored in Far Corner of Empire

Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.
Jesus not only hated taxation, he hated capitalism.

ROME— Late last night along a steep ridge on Bald Mountain, the Jewish rabble-rouser Jesus of Nazareth was crucified for crimes against Caesar. The self-proclaimed “King of the Jews” lay hanging on a cross through the night like a slaughtered lamb, blood spilling from his stigmatas, while hordes of provincial peoples poured into the Roman-occupied city of Yerushalayim to celebrate Passover, a local religious festival.

The Galilean-born ‘Messiah’ was rumored to have arrived in the city earlier this week on either a stolen colt or donkey – accounts vary – spreading messages of wealth redistribution, market regulation, and universal healthcare.

After an incident at a local temple involving table-turning and preying on widows, authorities were tipped off to to the healer-prophet-vagabond’s whereabouts by Judas Iscariot, a former follower turned whistleblower.

In a statement issued to the press, Mr. Iscariot spoke of his growing dissatisfaction with his former leader, “Jesus talks about this egalitarian society, right? Yet the fucker has his own hierarchical structure within his own following! Pete, Jimmy, Matthew—these fellows get all the attention, the adoration, while me and Barty are left at the wayside like a couple of stale Matzo balls.”

The deceased first stood trial before a local council of chief priests who were unable to produce testimony germane to the death penalty they were seeking.

After trumping up charges of tax evasion, the priests appealed to Rome’s own representative, Pontius Pilate, the 5th prefect of Judea. The Nazarene appeared before Pilate bearing all the signs of a heathen having been tortured. After a lengthy conversation revolving around “truth”, Pilate reported to the priests that he “found no fault in Him at all.” However, the holy men implored Pilate that he not be released, saying that Jesus was a stain upon Caesar’s neoliberal paradise.

Incidentally, this was all happening during Passover and Jewish tradition states a prisoner to be released during the holy week. But due to popular demand, and against his own judgment, Pilate released Barbarras, a well-known robber, instead of Jesus. This decision is said to have had quite an ill effect on the Roman prefect in the hours since.

After a good flogging on his way out of the city and up the mountain, Jesus was finally nailed to the cross. His mother Mary was in attendance, along with a few followers. Jesus’ last words were reported to be, “Ma! I’m thirsty, gimme some of that sour wine!”

He was 33.

Russia gets Libyan oil as half-assed NATO led attempt for democracy fails

Mergelov trying not to vomit the morning whore piss
Mikhail Margelov may or may not have Downs Syndrome.

Moscow–“Syria is political chess, not American football,” said Mikhail Margelov, Presidential envoy to Africa, and Russian Premiere to Libya, implying Sunday America has no role in the country, so they should get out.

Margelov spoke on conditions of Anonymity during talks with Soviet journal RT. Over the course of their discussion, he indicated democratic efforts in Libya have failed.

Margelov said, “Some people happy to openly drink moonshine and others unhappy about that because they’re in favor of Sharia laws all over the country.”

“Some people are thinking about purity and Islamic identity,” Margelov boasted. “Some talk about necessity of establishing Sharia law all over the country, Islamic world, all over the Arab world.” At this, Margelov’s eyes flashed, then rolled back into his head as he foamed at the mouth.

“Chances of New Libyan Government and judicial system sharing values of human rights and democracy expected to be minimal,” Margelov explained through gritted teeth.

Related news [ Libya ]

  1. Russian oil companies have already started operations in Libya
  2. Russian railroads “ready to get back.”
  3. New Libyan Government welcomes Russian companies! Margelov: “So why not?”
Mikhail Mergelov needs oil like pretty bad apparently

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