Hurricane Sandy Threatens White Communities Along Eastern United States

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Chad Lemieux fears the possibility of being unable to charge his phone.

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — North Americans are glued to their TV sets as they watch two powerful storm systems converge, in real time, over a large portion of the Eastern Seaboard known to be inhabited by white people.

Weather.com’s Shep Shepard reported live from the beachfront where water and foam sprayed up onto the boardwalk. “We’ve never seen anything like it, John. Never before have Americans witnessed a storm so potentially threatening to the security of middle-class whites.”

Water and power outages could mean days or even a week without access to Reddit, except on a smartphone, which Southern Manhattan and Park Slope residents complain is inconvenient.

“It’s downright patronizing,” said New Jersey man Ryan Johnson. “I refuse to zoom in on every comment.”

Area whites complain that without access to water, they could be forced to go days without showering. Brooklyn resident Sherry Melville said the storm couldn’t have come at a worse time. “When sitting alone in a dark house, we need to feel clean all the time. I just feel so, y’know, ugh! I’m going to take a long bath soon, just in case.”

President Barack Obama showed leadership Sunday when he used a string of official-sounding words on the radio, putting his white constituency at ease and ensuring the FEMA vote. Area whites were ordered to evacuate or else stay indoors. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters Monday and said, “As if they were planning on going outside, the president has asked New York and New Jersey residents to remain indoors. We ask that you refresh his Twitter feed for instant updates on what he is doing for you.”

It is unclear what trajectories Hurricane Sandy and the cold front moving in from the west may take, but authorities have already come forward and promised to renovate many parts of Northern Virginia, even those areas untouched by Hurricane Sandy to be sure Macy’s and Best Buys in the area go unaffected in preparation for Black Friday.

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Internet Reaches Pandemic Status

The uncontrolled flow of information in the form of music, video, text, and images has crossed the threshold of our leadership’s tolerance. Government officials have declared an end to the Internet, and computers altogether. President Crystal Palin made a statement this evening at a hostile press conference in the White House. “The Internet has devalued all informational property and left the entertainment industry in ruins. We will be bailing out all the major film and video game companies with a 4 billion dollar stimulus package. This action is necessary to recuperate damages incurred by informational theft en masse. From today forward, computer networks of more than two computers will be illegal.”

Our watchdog organization, the Waxtronetic Foundation, has used its faculties to obtain proof that Crystal Palin has been downloading gay porn over bit torrents. The White House has not responded to our request for a statement on the matter.

Next week Metallica is holding a victory parade through New York City which will be headed by a giant inflatable bust of Lars Ulrich. A one-mile vicinity will be cleared on each side of the parade, effectively forcing up to two million people to either pay for $200 tickets or evacuate the area from 9am to midnight next Friday. Metallica will not be present, however several cover bands will make up the musical attraction of the parade.

Software and video game designers have issued a collective sigh of relief, now that they do not have to worry about programming more and more absurdly complex serial number systems to prevent piracy.

The music industry is bathing in seas of riches as the new iTunes mail-order system has begun to see profits. iTunes customers will now have to mail-order iPods pre-loaded with music sold at previous rates in addition to a nominal $20 loading fee.

Not all groups are so happy with the downfall of the internet. Online gamers have especially been outraged at the president’s oppressive totalitarian decree. These gamers are highly trained killing machines who have no other hobbies but playing out virtual wars against harder and harder opponents. These players’ murmurs of revolution are already being picked up on Waxtronetic Foundation wire taps-to the horror of the government. Troops have been ordered to the highest alert in Washington, but no reinforcements have been ordered. While a coup is more likely than not, it is clear that the gamers are not being taken seriously.

Players of the popular mmorpg World of Starcraft 2 have committed suicide on a massive scale, although this news has been somewhat ignored because of the death of the internet. Those people are just bandwidth hogs who deserved to die to begin with, and national media has left their story for the back page of the few newspapers left alive. As nothing can now be reported without profits in mind, journalism has finally struck the balance it once finessed.

Capitalism has triumphed over the evils of free information, thanks to President Palin.