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Africa– Fans mourn the loss of Senegalese pop star Akon, who died of AIDS, which ravages their shitty continent. They can’t deal with it. . . .

Motor Mouth the Bounty Hunter. And real-life superhero?

IS THIS REAL LIFE . . .

HEY GUESS WHAT? MORE WAR!

Murder-Mom Casey Anthony goes to war against large-tittied Kim Kardashian, who said the gorgeous and camera-friendly Casey Anthony killed her own photogenic baby. We got your attention yet? Obama wants to go to war with Libya. . . .

The Chronicle Manifesto

As might be spat by Das Racist . . .

NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

Don’t be afraid to speak out. If you say something wrong, it will just be erased by Roanoke Revolution: “Recognizing The Right People!” . . .

New study links marijuana to hunger, passivity

We were going to write an excerpt for this story but then Rasta-man totally forgot what it was about so we grilled cheese sandwiches and let the intern worry about it. . . .

Eleven dead after release of new McDonald's "food product"

Micky D’s Darkest Day: McDonald’s claims thousands of lives every year using diabetes, malnutrition and obesity, but today was different. . . .

Online Gamers Constitute 90 Percent of World's Racists

Playstation Network is the new face of hate in this week’s edition of The Elf Wax Times. How will Sony handle the cries for help? . . .

CNN and FOX affiliates announce new patriotic reality show

Snap into a psychotic rage this Fall in an all-new season of War, Episode II, Overseas Contingency Operation. Fuck propaganda – this is the REAL DEAL! . . .

Elf Wax Times announces anti-lesbian platform

The Elf Wax Times doesn’t hate lesbians, but statistics show that as the number of lesbians increase, the number of girls willing to fuck Elf Wax staff writers declines, threatening America’s freedom. . . .