Rodong Sinmun

No Nuclear Umbrella

Dear Leader

PYONGYANG– The U.S., noisily advertising about its commitment to provision of nuclear umbrella, is stuffing its latest nuclear war equipment into south Korea.

Unaware of what a miserable fate is befalling on them, the south Korean puppets are running headlong into an adventure of attacking the DPRK on a nuke war chariot of the U.S.

Backed by outside forces, they are hell-bent on igniting a nuclear war against the DPRK.

Some time ago, the U.S. suddenly activated its nuclear strategic bomber B-2A to make a sortie to the air of the Korean Peninsula from the U.S. mainland to commit drills of striking a ground target and transferred stealth fighters F-22 Raptors to south Korea from the U.S. air force base at Kadena, Okinawa.

Prior to it, formation of the U.S. nuclear strategic bomber B-52 repeatedly flew to south Korea to stage DPRK-targeted actual nuclear strike drills and its nuclear-powered submarine Cheyenne that had carried out the task of preemptive attack in the 2003 Iraqi war staged joint sea drills with the south Korean puppets.

Of late, the U.S. dispatched interceptor missile-loaded Aegis destroyers John S. McCain, Decatur and the mobile sea radar for detection of ballistic missiles “SBX-1” to the waters around the Korean Peninsula, driving the situation close to a threshold of war.

In a din to provoke a nuclear war against the DPRK, the warmongers converted south Korea into an unprecedented showplace of the U.S. nuclear arms.

It is not a mere saber-rattling, but a prelude to war.

It is utterly silly for the south Korean puppets to want to evade from a shower of our nuclear strike under the nuclear umbrella of their U.S. master.

Now, the U.S. cannot afford to take care of its stooges.

The U.S. has so far swaggered that its existing missile defense system is strong enough to counter the missile threat from north Korea.

But, recently the U.S. gave up even a plan to deploy its MD system in Europe and additionally established its interceptor missile system to defend the mainland.

The south Korean puppets also know its reason well probably.

All has changed today.

Our nuclear deterrent has been boosted up in both quality and quantity. The character of confrontation between the DPRK and the U.S. changed fundamentally.

Of late, U.S. military experts sneered at the remarks of the U.S. Defense Secretary that the U.S. army can undoubtedly protect the U.S. and south Korea from the North’s nuclear threat. They warned that in case the DPRK applies a more singular method, the counter of the U.S. and south Korea would become more miserable and the moment when the North decides to strike, the U.S. would spend very appalling hours.

They made really meaningful comments.

DPRK’s nuclear shower will break the U.S. nuclear umbrella so mercilessly that the warmongers cannot even repent of anything.

The Superions

In a far away galaxy there was a small planet orbiting a small star. The planet was inhabited by a very successful creature that considered itself so intelligent as to be above all other life forms. They called themselves the Superions. The Superions had been able to harness fire for a very long time and made devices that used fire to do just about anything.

The Superions considered themselves more evolved than the other life forms on the planet despite the fact that all forms had evolved for the same amount of time from a single organism. A long time ago, a group of protoSuperions gathered around a fire and decided that they were no longer going to behave like the other life forms.

Competition drove all life to evolve and change, but Superions went mad with it. They killed eachother for fire and enslaved eachother out of what they called mercy. They delighted in driving large herds of Jerro-Jerro off of cliffs when they were able to consume or otherwise use no more than one percent of the deceased matter. Jerro-Jerro are now extinct. Superions built enormous fires of living vegetable matter to appease their Gods and prove time and time again that vegetable matter could not compete.

Superions created a scoring system in which each individual was rewarded points for successful acts of competition. These points were exchanged between Superions so that each individual could specialize in a certain field of competition and become very good at it. Some Superions were not very good at normal kinds of competition, so they began to compete at manipulating the point system itself. They took points from others in exchange for the service of transferring points and made a creative pursuit out of manipulating the points in their favor. This was called Freeism. Some Superions rejected Freeism and felt that the points would be better if distributed evenly. Those Superions who were made responsible for distributing the points of course gave as many as they could to themselves. This was called Sharism.

The Sharists called the Freeists greedy, and the Freeists called the Sharists crooked. They were both right. Different Superions simply used different ideas to trick eachother into giving away their points. Superions who gathered points for the sake of gathering points never gave them away at all except in efforts to gain more points. The most effective type of competition was to find a region of the planet where Superions were generally disliked by Superions from other regions. Sharists and Freeists disliked eachother, and both had gained many points. With clever exploitation of this enmity and an appropriate application of their points, they made and lost points to each other many times. Billions of Superions died thinking they were fighting for Freeism or Sharism and did not realize they were only trying to gain points for their masters.

One day, a smart Superion realized that the Superions with most of the points were not successful at any real kind of competition. They were just criminal tricksters who would rather see the world die than stop acquiring points. A long time later, a smarter Superion realized that he must also be a trickster in order to fix this broken point system. He sat down and spent the most important half hour of Superion history writing a story about aliens called Humans in a far away galaxy with the ridiculous name of Milky Way. Humans had a thing called money, very similair to the Superion point system. The Human beings in his story used their money to create a new kind of fire that was much more effective and dangerous. He absurdly called this new kind of fire Nuclear Fission. Humans could eradicate entire regions of Earth with less money than ever before. The Humans with a lot of money bought so many Nuclear Fission devices that they inevitably destroyed themselves in an effort to take money from each other. A lot of Superions read this story and eventually decided to create a limit to the point system. No Superion could ever get more than a certain amount of points. They were still able to gain a lot of points, but not enough to destroy themselves like those stupid made up Humans.

NO NUKES LIKE GOOD NUKES!

LOCAL ART “MAGAZINE” CENSORS ANTI-NUKE STORY

Roanoke, Va.–Recently, a website dedicated to sub-par musical acts and local artists took down an article written by beloved Elf Wax Times reporter Billy Walshe, probably following a complaint that it challenged a reader’s ignorant beliefs.

In a move critics around the internet are hailing as “a relatively inconsequential hypocrisy,” art website Roanoke Revolution took down an “anti-nuclear weapons” article written by one of Roanoke’s finest underground artists.

It was a move not to keep from losing advertisers, nor did Billy’s article challenge the “magazine’s” ongoing narrative of reality, since as of June, they could not yet have one, this being only their third update. It hardly challenged any belief about anything whatsoever, unless of course their editor, Jovan Rahsman, doesn’t support nuclear non-proliferation.

Roanoke Revolution's Empty June 2010 Rant Section

But according to fans on his website, Billy Walshe is “not one to directly attack an issue head-on” in the way his article’s deletion suggests in the minds of some critical thinkers. In fact, Billy is oft referred to as the “Carl Sagan of Nukes” among those privy to his backward-ass ideologies.

“Billy loves nuclear weapons,” said Niall Coffey in an exclusive interview with The Elf Wax Times. “He talks about ’em all the time. He even describes what it feels like to be zapped by a nuke when I’m really stoned, and sometimes he won’t let me stop imagining it.” Coffey even went on to describe nightmares of a fictional nuclear holocaust Billy Walshe sadistically imposes on him, well after the fact, regularly in his sleep.

As of right now, the article is still deleted. However, an editor of Roanoke Jingodilution said they plan to replace Billy’s article with the following video “as soon as we learn HTML”:

Billy told Elf Wax he has notified his hate group of this injustice and now armed white supremacists comb the nighttime countryside, trying to help find the deleted article, or women to rape in his honor.

It is strongly suspected by Lebal Drocer Senior Executive Officers Walshe was targeted for who he is, or perhaps his affiliation with The Glorious And Infallible Elf Wax Times. It is for this reason the staff considers removal of his article a celebration of his apparent greatness and acknowledgment of their website’s inferiority, and embarrassing unworthiness of his material.

Billy Walshe is an accomplished Appalachian craftsman, woodworker, musician, visual artist and status quo minion. In his spare time, he collects pogs and marches to find the cure for Gross Lesbianism.

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