US Presidents under increasing threat of rap battle. Sources report: ‘These mixtapes are fire’

Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.
Being President means living under constant threat of sudden rap battles.

Washington, D.C. — King Obama stands up from a throne of human bones and walks onto the balcony overlooking Pennsylvania Avenue.

‘Today is the day,’ he thinks. ‘Today it is finally going to happen.’

Having entered his third stage of molting, Obama sheds a hard carapace, revealing a slick, soft hide. It is as dark and supple as fresh eggplant. He takes a slime bath, half-listening to automated daily reports from the Drone Front.

“Minions come,” Secret Service reports. “They bring mad skills, and street smarts, to boot!”

Challenge them, the President orders. “Best them in rhyme, lest they receive a smackdown, as I lay the beat down in straight time.”


Stop. Does this scenario sound familiar?

Presidents have long faced threat of impromptu rap battles with constituents in hotly contested Mean Streets, going as far back as William Taft, whose infamous red-pill flow eradicated flappers before the end of his presidency in 1930.

Evelyn Bruckheimer, 109 years old, recalls the William H. ‘Daft’ Taft Brooklyn smackdown of 1928.

“It was balls to the wall rhymes, son,” Bruckheimer said. “It was the literally the worst thing to happen to New York that decade; that is, until the Stock Market Crash of ’29.”

New sources indicate Taft’s explosive rhymes triggered a speculation frenzy, crashing markets within the year.

“As bad as it was, people didn’t self-immolate because the stock market [emphasis added] ruined their lives,” Bruckheimer confessed. “You want to know the truth? Taft’s mix-tape was straight fire, G. Believe me.”

Wise up on the streets, Mr. President, or it could happen to you. Can Obama rhyme like Taft? I am not ready to find out.

This has been a public service announcement by Lebal Drocer. Busting out the baby rhymes since them elfwax days. And confused.

The False Choice of American Politics: The Socialist Party of America website is useless and ugly

Terror Rally ends in glorious victory

Bernie SandersWashington, DC — The absolution of two-party control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.

The Socialist Party of America is suspiciously ugly. When compared to the Democratic and Grand Old Party party websites, the Socialist website seems intentionally bad, like they don’t want to have a modern image.

Of course, looks aren’t everything. It would be excusable if, like the Vice website used to be, the portal was ugly but the work was good, or the representatives existed. However, there is nothing on the Socialist Party USA website to suggest their power extends beyond three shitty state-level representatives, one in New Jersey, New York and some state out west.

On the other hand, the site of Democratic Socialists of America looks new, focused and poised to attack. Democratic socialism is a logical response to the money-crazed fanaticism of Democrats and Republicans, as it seeks to maintain the fundamental basis of capitalism with greater controls of worker rights, adherence to 40-hour work weeks and weekends, and free healthcare. Unfortunately, they’ve already sold themselves out to a very popular and charismatic centrist. The third page on their site is a hashtag: #WeNeedBernie (do we?)

Watch the Twitter hashtag to see people falling for it.

Let’s pretend for a second like we need a career politician like oldguy Bernie Sanders. Yes, he’s “an Independent” but so is Jumpin’ Joe Lieberman, a notoriously corrupt piece of filth. More importantly, he is a career politician. Who remembers 2007 when we “needed” Barack Hussein Obama? Sure, we needed everything he claimed to offer – which, just hearing him utter controversial opinions was revolutionary, and America just had to see what would happen if he got in. He offered: transparency, ending wars for profit and ending mass surveillance. Instead, powermongering hatefiends belonging to the Obama administration read our emails and record citizens’ phone calls, forcing Facebook and Google to share our data with them, they instigate wars whose profiles exist only to refuel Arab hatred for the USA in order to feed the greed of Lockheed-Martin and Boeing, and his administration prosecutes more whistle-blowers than any president in US history. What the fuck!

So after the rising reasonable group of kids turned into adults and saw the extent to which career politicians lie, why are political parties in the US still exclusively Republican or Democratic? Both sides represent competing, high-level financial interests that don’t concern the majority, peppered with their own draconian versions of uncalled-for social controls, both sides offering solutions no one asked for to the weakest and least pressing problems Americans face, like gun control or abortion, two issues which are constitutionally laid out and don’t really need all the hate politicians continuously lay on it, at least not when the police are acting like rabid dogs and motherfuckers can’t find work outside of the new Wal-Mart that sprang up just outside city limits last year.

Political initiatives are so irrelevant and out-of-touch Bernie Sanders might as well introduce new regulations to curb animal waste downtown from overuse of the horse and carriage. How many more career politicians do you motherfuckers intend to vote for? Do #WeNeedBernie? Yeah, sure, #WeNeedBernie, according to the Democratic Socialists of America. It has been eight years since we heard somebody talking tough, saying all the shit we never thought we’d hear a politician say, and thankfully Bernie’s saying it. Here comes Obama II. We’ve had eight years to forget politicians are allowed to say whatever it takes to gain votes and get elected. It has been eight years of unchecked neoliberal corporate tyranny, enabled by Obama, facilitating modern-day indentured servitude in the form of stagnant, unsustainable wages, systematic rape of the land, usurping of environmental controls, and rampant police brutality, as well as the opportunity to witness the middle class lose access to medicine and treatments while paying more for their “insurance” at the same time. No thanks. Just give me the death panels. Put me on the death panels.

Neither the Republican nor Democratic party represents the average American, but by maintaining a relatively poor quality public discourse on American “news” outlets (propaganda holes) such as CNN, FOX News, MSNBC and local news outlets whose go-to primary sources are the police, both parties – our “only” choices – continue to maintain a mutually beneficial death grip on the populace. The absolution of their control over American voters is so strong that actual voter fraud is neither necessary nor would it even be detectable if such a need were to arise.

To hear straightforward, factual presentations of events, Americans turn to other countries’ news outlets such as The Guardian, Al Jazeera and BBC. To watch Al Jazeera or the BBC, however, Americans who have left cable TV behind are forced to use virtual private servers that make our Internet connections appear British, because authentic news stations like BBC and Al Jazeera – to remain sustainable – forged agreements with cable and satellite companies like Comcast, Cox and Dish Network to block American access to their Web content under the premise we will sign up for premium cable packages to gain access to the real news. But people are lazy and especially cheap. Shit like CNN and FOX is free because it’s shit. So it is very difficult to get honest video news in the US, which again makes it difficult to access other political ideologies since the big two control the media with more money every election cycle, a staggering monetary figure that continues to climb, going unchecked for some fucked up reason by the Federal Election Commission. In 2008, Americans spent $5.3 billion on federal elections to get a guy elected into a job that pays $400,000 per year. We here at The Internet Chronicle consider ourselves gambling men, so we know a rigged game when we see one.

“It’s rigged, bros!”

Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour, CHRONICLE.SU Political Scientist

The Democrats vehemently deny their socialist ties as FOX News attacks them year after year. The hilarious irony is that they’re right. The Democrats are so far from socialism that an objective analyst from the height of the Cold War would swear they’re the good guys. If neoliberal Democrats are “leftist” then what the fuck is Germany’s Pirate Party, or François Hollande, or Canada, for that matter?

In other news, local TV news anchors look terrified of everything.

local-news-anchor

SEX SCANDAL: Casey Anthony ‘barebacked’ Barack Hussein Obama – Casey cums to Washington

Casey Anthony wearing the American flag - the colorsOral sex in the Oval Office is something like a rite-of-passage for any American president. Kennedy had Monroe. Clinton had Lewinsky. Both Bushes had Barbara. And for the first time, the Internet Chronicle can reveal: Obama had Anthony.

Casey came to Washington shortly after a Florida jury found her—rightfully, dutifully, judiciously—not guilty of killing her two-year old daughter Caylee. With her big ole titties strapped tightly to her chest and her conscience as clear as a liter of chloroform, Casey was greeted at Dulles airport by Obama’s former chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, who had arranged the meeting at the behest of the president after being struck by her “natural, celestial” beauty on the tube.

“What can I say?” Emanuel said by phone. “Barry needed to get his rocks off. We were balls deep in this healthcare battle, Benghazi, Abdulrahman. It all was starting to add up. Not to mention Michelle was menopausal, so that hole wasn’t exactly a moist prospect for our country, if you catch my drift.”

When Anthony arrived at the White House that evening, the president wined and dined her with the White House’s finest.

“Casey comes from good stock, a real classy broad,” said Obama’s executive chef, Sam Kass. “We weren’t going to pour her from a box of Franzia. No, we broke out the Chateau Margaux that night.”

Their meeting lasted the entirety of the evening. Though details about the specifics of their doings are kept firmly under wrap, Emanuel let slip that the president did, in fact, show her that weeks copy of his so-called “kill-list”—a list of potential drone strike victims, made up mostly of innocent women and children in Bedouin villages.

“I can only guess that he wanted her input, her expertise,” Emanuel said. “He admired her cold, detached demeanor. It’s what the job dictates: killing children. And even though Casey is 100%, totally, unquestionably innocent, PBO knew he could glean some insight from a person who had at least suffered the same type of uninformed horseshit hysteria and accusations from the liberal Jew media.”

Emmanuel did confirm, off-the-record (oops), that Mr. Obama got fellated by Anthony that night in the Oval Office. His “first blow-jay in the O.O.,” as a former chief of staff of the Obama administration-turned-mayor of Chicago put it.

“Surprised it took him that long,” Dr. A.H.T. Roubadour, professor of American History at South Carolina Technical Community College, said in an interview Wednesday. “You know what? That might be the first interracial hummer to take place in the Oval Office… no, no. I forgot. 43 performed cunnilingus on Condoleezza a couple times. But that’s not the same thing.”

Commenting further on the tradition of the situation, Dr. Roubadour added, “It’s a competition for these Alpha’s. As one former president put it to me (Carter): If you’re gonna get your johnson smoked, the more extra-marital the better.”

When reached for comment by the Chronicle, Casey only said, “Bella Vita, bitches.”

SHOCKING IMAGES FROM CASEY’S D.C. SEX ROMP

Sony plans to release CIA ‘Torture Report’ on Crackle for free

President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.

Washington, D.C. — As US President Barack Hussein Obama renews some meaningless vow to close down the Guantanamo Bay Cab Driver Spa and Resort, Sony has doubled down their criticisms of the president by offering to release the CIA Torture Report, which contains graphics depictions of torture and rape, for free on Crackle, their in-house streaming service.

President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.
President Barack Obama encouraged Americans to consume a healthy dose of circus with each portion of bread.

The torture report, entitled “The Interview,” explains the methodology of extracting sensitive information from unwilling participants. If a subject won’t talk, for example, raping him with hard green vegetables offers a ready solution to tight lips, according to the document.

Following Obama’s decision to downplay the role of torture in American foreign policy, Sony executives criticized the president for being “intimidated by these kind of criminal attacks.” Torture is a protected form of free speech, Sony said, and the president should not be discouraged by “faggoty” leftist attacks on American freedom.

Obama said he was fine with torture, but only vowed to close Guantanamo when he thought that’s what people wanted to hear.

“We tortured some folks,” Obama said. “I used to think that was bad. But if you really think about it, James Clapper is like a patriotic Santa Claus. Our brave team of CIA torture artists are like his elves. But instead of milk and cookies this year, if you’re a terrorist, you might consider leaving out a zucchini and – if you know what’s good for you – a big old bottle of water-based lube.”

Obama later told Americans to go to the movies.

This message is brought to you proudly by Lebal Drocer Industrial Complex.
Nothing quenches a thirsty butthole better than water based lubricant enhanced rectal hydration therapy. Grip a rape stick and get ready to ROCK.

Restraint! Israel Razes Gaza Death Camp

Good guy Zionist
Good Guy Zionist Taking Care of Business

As the Israeli occupation and subjugation of decadent hedons in Palestine continues, young excited Jewish-Americans lined the streets of every major American city this weekend to show their unwavering support for the Zionist state.

On a day typically reserved for reflections on America’s puritan foundation, fanatical Zionists – per tradition – celebrated our nation’s independence by calling for Palestinian extermination.

“Independence comes in many forms,” Benji Benjamin said, an eight year old Ohio native marching up the streets of Manhattan. “I think the Palestinians, for their own good, might be better off wiped off the map. It will, at the least, free up some space in the budget, which is important to many third graders I know.”

Mr. Benjamin was in New York City on his way to board a flight for his birthright trip, a rite-of-brainwash for most Jewish Americans.

Tensions have never been higher between Israelis and Palestinians as crime within the Holy Land has seen a sharp spike in the last week. In part, this dramatic flux can be contributed to the recent kidnapping of three Israeli youth, the bombing of Palestinian children before that, the Palestinian rocket attack on a local Regional Council before that, an Israeli raid on an aid ship en route to the Gaza Strip before that, Hitler’s Final Solution, the Israelites murdering Moses, and God’s supreme fuck-up by promising land rights to chosen religious groups in the first place.

Angstrom H. Truedaberg, the Chronicle’s resident schlemiel, said, “These folks are expressing their right to exist. Many-a-Mensch took to the streets on this July 4th. I’m proud to be a part of such a peaceful, compassionate movement like Liberal Zionism.”

The United States has historically had nothing but support for the Zionist movement, rightly shunning the legitimate concerns of the residents of the occupied West Bank and Gaza Strip. However, many hard-knocked Zionists view the current administration’s attitudes towards the Jewish State as not supportive enough.

“Sure, Barack ‘Roof-Knock’ Nobama has increased funding to Israel’s military to $3 billion and denied Palestinian statehood, but why does he stay silent on the real issue: the savage barbarianism of the Arab, in general?” a beautiful Aryan editor at a local college newspaper said, speaking on the condition of anonymity so as not to expose her fucking stupidity.

“Is it because he himself is a Moslem?” she asked. “Is it because he was born in Kenya? Which almost borders Iran? Cuba? Hitler? The President must be forced to answer these types of questions.”

At the time of publication, the White House commented, “Look, it’s Ramadan. Give our Pres a minute. Can’t solve ethnic tensions on an empty stomach!”

Hillary's 'Hardest' Choice: To Spit or Swallow MIC Payload

Hillary Clinton steps down from her taxpayer-funded Learjet during campaign of Hate.
Hillary Clinton steps down from her taxpayer-funded Learjet during campaign of Hate.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton has been a busy woman since exiting public office. She can be found, these days, shuttling around the country in limousines and Learjets on a promotional tour for her new magnum opus, Hard Choices. The book chronicles her time served as Secretary of State under Ayatollah B. Hussein Obama’s glorious administration.

ussa

Released to rave reviews, the book has been called “a modern-day woman’s meditation on Freedom, reminiscent of Rand, Woolf, and Morrison,” by the Wall Street Journal.

Noted feminist Judith Miller, the woman whose broad shoulders bear the brunt of the blame for the liberation of Iraq, wrote in an Op-Ed for the New York Times, “Mrs. Clinton weaves a narrative so imagined, so inspired, you would think she is making it up!”

However, the book is not without its detractors.

Dr. Angstrom H. Treub’adore, the Internet Chronicle’s resident Cisgender Theorist, said in an interview today from his Paris apartment, “The only Hard Choice the former secretary faced while serving was whether to shoot, shock, hang or bang, preferably with an exceptionally dirty hypodermic needle, the ‘whistle-blower’, more like ‘wiener-blower’, Chelsea Manning for his crimes against the Gov, aided by the conard, the file de pute, the noted surprise sex enthusiast, Yulian Mossad,” referring to the Wikileaks scandal that erupted during Clinton’s tenure as secretary. Just one of the multitude of Hard Choices described in the book.

But Mrs. Clinton has found favor within the artistic community, which has embraced her latest collection of stories.

Katy Perry, the eleven-time Grammy nominee songstress responsible for such national anthems as: “Waking Up in Vegas”, “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”, “Ur So Gay”, and “By The Grace of God”, tweeted at the potential 2016 Democratic nominee that she is ready to shed the last trace of whatever artistic integrity may still reside within her. The pop singer suggested that “she would write [Clinton’s] theme song.”

Katy Perry tempts Hillary Clinton with prideful load
Cum Swapping (#HardChoices)

The two were seen exiting a Brooklyn recording studio late Monday night with producer Puff Daddy and  former Attorney General Janet Reno, who is rumored to have a featured verse on the song, tentatively titled “Hard Choicez (Ode to Elian)”.

Clinton’s ascension to the Presidency seems all but uncertain. She is treading an unprecedented path, paved with the ignored plea’s of the poor and lined with the Hard Choices of which lobbying agencies to publicly allow into her pocket book, and which to keep private.

With her book tour, an arousing success, and the media’s resistance to meaningful questions about her past, the only choice left for Mrs. Clinton to make—perhaps the Hardest Choice of all the Hard Choices she has had to make—is when to actually announce her intention to run for president of our permanent dynasty. God bless this neoliberal paradise, the greatest God damn nation on Earth, The United States of America.

Fuck Your Desert, Brown People Are Sub-Human Animals Who Feel Nothing, And The Middle East Is My Political Toy

Cool Obama
I voted for war. Did you?

BAGHDAD – While your television was busy comparing the return of US Army Sergeant Bowe Robert Bergdahl to the Benghazi suicide bombing, an actual political toy unwound in this little spot on the desert you might remember from 2003.

Motherfucking Iraq. The country is falling to a group of desert criminals so bad Al Qaeda threw them out. Obama pulled out 5,000 contractors (not our profits!) and the place is going to hell faster than you can vote for Hillary Clinton.

We let Iraq go because it was no longer profitable to keep it. What good is a broken nation without oil? We need a power player, Iraq. Sorry. ISIS, she’s all yours. Take her for a spin. Don’t worry about coming home on time. Glenn Beck has his own channel and he’s on all night. We are in good hands. I love you, precious TV. My beautiful rectangle angel. My opium. My fixation.

Here’s the fun part: Syria – whose attempted overthrow was funded by the United States – is working with Iraq, whose government was installed by the US, to fight Jihadist militants supported by the United States in Syria (but not in Iraq).

Iran – America’s opponent on the world stage – has offered to help Iraq (a historical enemy) and the US (also an enemy) combat the insurgency opposed by the US in Iraq but supported by the US in Syria, Iran’s ally.

So, there you go, TV. Have fun with that shit.

Anybody watching Louie? The last two episodes of Season 4 come on tomorrow night. You’d better set your hoppers to record, so you can watch your edgy hate-man while the kids are out of the room. We fucking hate you, America. Goodnight.

The Internet Chronicle Staff

Barack Obama's Top 5 Favorite Violent Videogames

Portrait of a killer: What drove Barack Obama to senseless murder?

Call of Duty: Modern Occupation 2
Brought to you patriotically by Lebal Drocer, Inc.

‘Sup fellas! Six years into President Barack Obama’s indefinite rule, ‘the drone strike madman’ recently executed a series high-profile civilian murders referred to by analysts as “the Columbine of the Middle East.” Needless to say, Barry’s got a few of us here at the Chronicle wondering, “Dude, what did those weddings ever do to you?”

I’m Dr. Angstrom H. Trubadeur, and I have a Ph.D in child psychology. I have been watching Barack Obama for warning signs of a troubled childhood, and I am sad to report our “P” is extremely disturbed as a result of exposure to hyperviolent videogames.

For more than 30 years, I have studied the effects on violent videogames on children like Barry. I have published studies in Nature, New Scientist and The Internet Chronicle explaining how and why videogames negatively affect people’s behavior; how it affects their minds; how it affects their worldview; and in this case, how violent videogames led to the most unrelenting series of terrorist attacks ever conducted in human history.

As part of a crack team of Chronicle researchers, we are all searching for an answer to the same question: Why you gotta kill so many innocent people, Barry?

Modern Warfare 2

Former Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Modern Warfare 2 would trigger “anger blackouts” in Barack and he became inconsolable until an innocent victim died in a simulated explosion.

“Barry used to play that predator drone mission over and over again,” Rumsfeld said. “We thought nothing of it, at the time. But little did we know, Barack Obama would go on to be even more evil – and less human – than I am.”

You can still see his eyes flicker every so often, as Barry reminds himself and others to ‘stay frosty.’

Tropico 4

Former Chief of Staff Angel Hyatt said Obama used to sit in his office at ACORN all day, deliberating with Penultimo over whether to pay the USSR immediately, or in bi-annual installments.

“You could tell he really wanted to become a hardline dictator someday,” Hyatt said. “Videogames allowed him to do that in a safe environment. Now that he’s president, who knows what dormant perversions lie in wait.”

Hyatt added that Barry’s success at Tropico was owed to the early issue of the Wiretapping and Secret Police edicts, available after appointing a Minister of Defense. “No uprisings here!” Barry gleefully announced.

“I’m looking at Obama for a fourth term,” Hyatt said. “He seems to enjoy the human bed.”

Coke Fiend 3

"hot coffee" in the face
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Barry loved every aspect of drug dealing: the profiteering, the exploitation, drug abuse – you name it. It certainly explains a lot about all the guns the CIA runs through Mexico.

His affinity for Coke Fiend 3 was more of a byproduct of an existing history of powermongering. There is little evidence to suggest the Coke Fiend game series led to an increase in Obama’s drug crimes, but Barry was encouraged to commit racist hate crimes against Haitian ‘marks’ that he still can not talk about today without flying into a celebrated “blind rage mode.”

Both parents admitted he was never the same after playing this MA-17 Rated game.

Benghazi Cover-Up Simulator 2014

Your main character powers up when FOX News discredits a legitimate search for answers by participating in it.

Barry may have hardened his icy demeanor – and cold, unchanging gaze – by advancing a virtual political agenda in this gross negligence simulator.

Barry got the multiplayer expansion during a Steam Summer Sale and invited Sec. of State Hillary Clinton to play the game with him. During that time, they developed a perverse, destructive relationship at the center of an ever-expanding web of lies.

The two have entered into a suicide pact.

EVE Online

Nothing else could explain Barry’s insatiable lust for power and corporate servitude than his bottomless addiction to EVE Online.

Thousands of hours of dedication to this space-capitalism MMO may have put Barry – and our nation – on a direct path to unchecked neoliberalism. EVE Online is a libertarian hellscape beyond the imagination of anything Ayn Rand could have ever invented.

Hyatt said Barry came out of the experience with a new vision: To turn America into a new center of commerce, in which millions – perhaps hundreds of millions – could participate voluntarily in their own enslavement.

With the illusion of choice and control, Barry sustains corporate livelihood with an economic model no other country can live up to: unregulated industrialization of covert prisons and warfare, fed by increasing the necessity of war itself.

Without EVE Online and the addictive hyperviolence of Coke Fiend 3, America’s 44th president might have been a man of the people. But as a result of overexposure to gruesome, sexual imagery he is neither man, nor person.

George Bush To Retake US Presidency

Future President George Bush a-huntin' them Reds
Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds

A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”

America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.

“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”

Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.

George Bush's shower painting
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.

“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”

New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.

A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”

President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.

Obama to Award BP Executive Presidential Medal of Freedom

Tony Hayward was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
Tony Hayward will likely be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom

WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).

Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”

When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”

Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”

Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”

“After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”

BP Internal Affairs

Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”

The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”

The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.

This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.