NSA Today – the story of how the NSA is not that bad, except it really is, but that's OK too

NSA Today
Thoughtcrimes … Crimes, Before You Think Them!

INTERNET — Nobody seems to mind that there is a war on personal freedom taking place at their fingertips right now. Nobody cares about the police state. And while I admit I’m perfectly comfortable here in my hate hole, the proles are doing just fine under the watchful eye of the all-seeing NSA Octopus. And that is fucking weird.

The NSA wants to be the next FBI – hit men and everything. Think I’m wrong? Well, there’s a secret court called FISA who will back me up.

For decades, the NSA has been the silent, creepy uncle of US defense agencies. Since the Snowden leaks, however, that is all changing.

The NSA Today® has taken on a demeanor of brazen, Sabu-style recklessness. Official sources represent pre-determined attitudes of sheer spitefulness about their activity. Barack Hussein Obama only just yesterday responded to corporate shareholders’ complaints with a decision to allow tech conglomerates to make broad, generalized statements regarding the existence of NSA probing – but nothing specific about who is being watched, how much, or for how long or for what reason.

There is no proof NSA surveillance has successfully stopped a terrorist attack, and even if it did – would we really want it?

Political Scientist Dr. Angstrom H. Troubadour weighed in. Troubadour said one terrorist attack every 20 years is worse than being spied on.

“For the whole time perverted Uncle NSA has been browsing through your SMS dick pics,” Troubadour explained, “Al Qaeda has been on the run, afraid of the possibility their own dick pics could wind up in the hands of US Generals. The NSA is absolutely necessary if the United States is to continue existing tomorrow.”

Congressman Anthony Weiner said he is a testament to the discrediting power of dick pics, but dick pics themselves are not terrorism.

“That’s right,” Weiner said. “Not even uncircumcised ones are grounds to declare war.”

Dr. Troubadour said the NSA spies on the world because it loves you, and this is how adults show love.

“The NSA, even as a touchy, molesty sort of uncle figure, is good for America,” he said. “But just remember, this is our little secret, okay?”

Dr. Troubadour privately added that if you go tell on the NSA, nobody will believe you, and your parents will never, ever love you again.

Online peace activists can’t wait for Syria bombing

tysonjaager
“I told you so”

INTERNET – According to a new study, an overwhelming majority of online peace activists just want President Obama to get on with bombing Syria.

The study, conducted by the non-partisan Pew Research Center, found that 91% of internet users who identify as peace activists are increasingly impatient to condemn civilian casualties of the expected U.S. bombing campaign. All of the remaining 9% agreed that although they would rather the bombings not go ahead, they were looking forward to saying “I told you so” if the U.S. accidentally strikes a school or hospital.

“We all know Obama is going to order these strikes no matter what,” said 22 year old Tyson Jaager, an unemployed retail assistant from Ohio who runs an anti-war Tumblr account. “I’m going to make side-by-side composite photos of dead children from the alleged chemical weapon attacks and dead children from U.S. strikes. I’m just waiting for the bombs to start falling now.”

21 year old Amy Brighton, a London barista and active Guardian commenter, agreed: “I’ve written a damning petition to take back Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize. I’m ready to post it to Change.org. I just kind of feel like I need to wait for him to actually order the strikes. God, this is taking forever.”

Prison Architect: An Unfair Review of an Unfinished Video Game

Prison Architect - PriestOn the fifth night of my prison’s existence, during the third riot in 24 hours, one exceptionally frustrated prisoner used a knife he smuggled in to stab an already-unconscious guard. He stabbed him to death. The prisoner then got hold of that guard’s keys and, with two fellow prisoners – one maximum security prisoner and another on normal security (both of whom were already known to cause damage and harm to my guards) – bypassed the main riot and walked straight to the Psychologist’s office. The Psychologist who, all along, has been profiling the increasingly unsanitary mob – cataloging their needs, displaying to me how hungry they are, how unhappy – how apt to violence they have quickly become. They walked into his office and stabbed him like it was nothing out of the ordinary, but also like it was something they’d been planning for a long time.

So far mine is a small enough prison to where no riots have yet reached Attica status, but I’m man enough to admit my prison is totally broken. Daily income can’t keep up with the constant repairs needed by rioting prisoners. Guards can’t stay alive long enough to keep a paycheck and I couldn’t afford to pay them if they did. My prison, filename good.prison, once had rigid regime. It followed a daily routine! It had working showers! That was yesterday. Today, good.prison has degenerated into fenced pandemonium. I think I wasn’t feeding them enough. But I guess I still don’t really know exactly what went wrong. After all, nobody was willing to go into the showers after the first “incident.” Shower time came. Nobody went. I’ll never know why. I don’t even want to know. Watching the quiet, peaceful family visit of a guy named Pennock – who got sent to solitary for shanking a guard – just felt perverse. You rapidly grow desensitized to prison violence to the point where you’d rather watch one of your contractors install electrical cable than take the time to witness a series of shower-stabbings out of Oz. Or maybe you wouldn’t. This game gives you that choice.

Prison Architect Review
The winner of a knife fight lies unconscious in the floor, dying.

The only direct control you have over your guards is to click on a prisoner and have him searched, so I probably should have searched all my prisoners for contraband upon arrival. However, just like authentic American prisons, the intake rate is so high in Prison Architect that you can only give each individual so much attention while tending to the whole horrendously overcrowded system at one time. But after enough armed convicts break the line, surrounding inmates gain confidence and join the fight. Before you know it, 18 inmates are tearing down every gate you thought was secure, and then going straight for the psychologist whose job is to warp their minds and break their psyche down into the well behaved license plate stampers God wants them to be.

While Prison Architect is a well-polished Alpha, there are still a few game-breaking bugs; namely, what’s done with all the dead people lying around. After the mayhem of the game-finishing Third Riot, I noticed four hearses lined up outside my prison. My morgue was packed full of dead bodies, all of them guards, and so were the infirmary beds. Because the AI does not dispose of the dead yet, gamers complain on forums about their sprawling, growing morgues. Dead guards, prisoners and staff now litter the main drag of my prison as a reminder of the terrible situation all around them, permanent monuments to chaos.

Prison Architect Review - Morgue

But don’t take my word for it. Witness these horrors for yourself. The earlier you register this game, the cheaper it will be. That said, $30 is still pretty high for a broken game only in Alpha. On that note, Prison Architect has surpassed the $4 million mark. That’s how much Mojang made with Minecraft prior to MineCon in 2011, which celebrated the official release of the game.

The Prison Architect development team, Introversion Software, has crowd-sourced prisoner diversity by allowing their premium player base to write in the names and biographies of at least one prisoner per player. They suggested players use their own names but I created a fictitious prisoner named Frank “The Free” Mason, named after The Internet Chronicle‘s shittiest dead writer. Approving the massive swarm of incoming biographies sounds like a difficult task but the developers say just about anything goes and, considering how much money they’re making from the Alpha release alone, it’s safe to assume they will hire an editorial team to clean everything up closer to Beta.

Try not to let anyone die until the next Alpha update (current version is a-11).

The Death of America: NSA, Snowden and the Surveillance State

Excerpt from an email

Snowden is an important figure, but not nearly as important as the story he created by releasing these NSA files. President Obama has already confirmed and condoned their practices, but this is a tremendous story substantiated with hard evidence and what follows will have huge, far-reaching implications.

We live in a surveillance state. That much is certain. But there’s a gritty reality behind what that entails.

I just saw graphic photographs of Snowden’s girlfriend on the internet. She’s a lovely lady, but the stories are just despicable – obviously dredged up for titillation to sell readership, but there’s something so animalistic about it. The woman, as meat, without Snowden in her life anymore. It’s fucking tragic, and people are just gawking at her. This “news” outlet describes how she lives alone in her Hawaii home now that Snowden is missing. That’s just sick. Show pictures of her almost naked, and then describe where she’s known to live, and how vulnerable she is. I imagined if that were you, how it would make me feel. I am totally horrified. The United States is currently engaged in an information arms race, and I consider Snowden’s girlfriend a sort of digital casualty, probably worse.

I can say without hesitation no terrorist attack in all the years I’ve been alive has frightened me a fraction as much as the realization I came to myself, that my entire life could be taken away from me in a keystroke on the whim of a government which justifies its Orwellian chokehold on power in the name of “security.”

We may safely declare this is a war between us, and the United States Government.

 Even with the awareness of my keywords in the subject line of this email, combined with my position at the Chronicle which is now associated with Snowden – and has undoubtedly triggered the absolute certainty of some nine-to-fiver on federal payroll having to read over this private email to you – I am comfortable saying this to you and to them, and I’d even publish this on the site: We may safely declare this is a war between us, and the United States Government. By ourselves, I mean all the people of the world – even those without a constitution with similar Fourth Amendment rights to privacy & freedoms from searches and seizure – because if our Constitution guarantees us these rights, then shouldn’t it apply to all potential subjects of the US Government? That is to say, every American citizen has been identified by his or her own government as a potential enemy combatant, or a terrorist, or whatever you want to call it… and is treated thusly, with blanketed, aggregate surveillance combined with the specific, surgical analysis of private communications. All tracked, like a herd of sheep, all outliers monitored. I read the figures today, a low estimate puts their requests at around a quarter million US citizens under close surveillance. That is to say, their emails, Facebook messages, Skype messages, Google search histories, Gmail contents, etc. were all turned over for analysis – by law.

Perhaps even more disturbingly, as if that isn’t bad enough, I have it on good authority the US Government is teamed up with Microsoft and Google to allow the government to save files to a person’s computer, if required as part of an investigation. At first you might assume this can include keyloggers, and it certainly could, but technology has advanced beyond the need to trace simple keyboard activity. No, perhaps most damaging of all is the ability of government secret agents to plant files on computers through Google and Microsoft Windows backdoors, designed by these tech firms explicitly for government use – which are later used as evidence against outspoken government critics. Illegal files, like rape videos and child pornography can be dredged up from a person’s hard drive and used against him or her in court, after the government put it there – just like that Dave Chappelle joke about crooked cops dealing with black people: “Alright, let’s sprinkle some crack on him and get the hell out of here.”

People, I am dismayed and horrified by the evidence coming out against my government, and their stubborn refusal to undo this evil perpetrated upon us. Next week, the United States will come out with charges against Snowden. There will be protests, shows of support, but the TV-viewing majority, as I witnessed while staying in TN (around a television), is already being told Snowden is a traitor. That’s right, by the “news” like CNN and FOX and MSNBC and whatever else is on there. Even people I work with believe he is a traitor, but Snowden is not like Manning. Snowden, through Greenwald, carefully released ONLY what the public needed to know and is withholding some even bigger shit because he is using discretion the way a journalist is supposed to use and is expected to use, but still, he’s being made out to be a criminal.

And because Snowden is doomed, we are all doomed.

This is the last generation who knew freedom, and we were just kids. I’m sorry this is happening. I really am trying to come to grips with it myself, and I am sorry the whole world got wired up and went fucking crazy. We’re now witnessing the sad, nervous breakdown of a once prosperous nation, and there is no turning back.

This story is still young, so all the things which I’ve told you will continue to come out over the next few weeks, and then it will be dangerously forgotten. The extradition and judicial process for Snowden will be long and slow, just like Manning’s currently is, but this will be worse. There’s going to be a whole new determination of what it means to be ignorant and naive, and people are going to deny the importance of this event, and say those who don’t are carrying on – but mark my words – American justice just shot heroin, and she thinks it feels good.

The rest of our time spent in America will be characterized almost entirely by the long, drawn-out process of watching it die, and remembering better times.

Robots, military and unmanned drones to monitor 2014 World Cup

Drone Cam
Look! Look! You’re on the Drone Cam! — The 2014 World Cup will feature Drone Cam for the first time ever.

Officials behind the 2014 World Cup said they have deployed the most extensive security apparatus ever to create what is anticipated to be the safest, most patriotic gaming event in the history of sport.

American robots will monitor the ground while Israeli drones patrol the skies over the Confederations Cup football (soccer) tournament in what’s being called a “dry run,” by security officials, before the World Cup next year.

The unmanned aircraft feature thermal cameras that can see through walls and clothing to scan individuals concealing bombs strapped around their bodies.

Other security measures listed for testing are flyovers by Air Force fighter jets equipped with surveillance equipment.

Thousands of extra troops are being brought in to patrol the stadiums used for the Confederations Cup, to create a family-friendly atmosphere of rigidity and stringent control.

Experts, however, believe visitors will be immediately vulnerable to street crime once they stray from tightly secured areas because the local police force is being pulled from street duty to satisfy the public’s undying urge to see shiny riot shields and paramilitary crowd control gear.

“We are strongly concerned with ensuring safety and security to all our athletes, tourists, heads of state and delegations,” Sports Minister Aldo Rebelo told reporters on a conference call last week. The call is now known to have been monitored by the National Security Agency, an ironic and horrifying security breach.

At least 45,000 personnel will be deployed to all the events leading up to the World Cup in Brazil, meaning one guard will be assigned to every 50 spectators of the matches. In addition to 3,500 military police officers, security forces will also include a battalion of riot police with two armored vehicles, a canine unit of sniffer dogs trained to detect drugs and explosives as well as eight fucking sharpshooters, said Fabio Pizetta, the head of Brazilia’s riot police division.

Holy shit.

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Underpaid Labor - Just Do It

Obama Gun Plan Will “Combat Mass Shootings”

Obama background checks to predetermine likelihood of buyers shooting up a school

Joe Biden
WASHINGTON–Joe Biden attempts to pacify several interest groups.

Vice President Joe Biden introduced a gun plan Thursday that he said will curb mass shootings.

Stan Milton, lead designer for the Obama plan, said the plan will institute software designed to comb through buyers’ histories, cross-referencing prior instances of gun-related crimes against humanity.

“With the right technology, we could even arrest buyers based on crimes they’re most likely to commit.”

The government is doing anything it can to demonstrate to the American public they are at least willing to pass impotent legislation designed to stem the attention of 24-hour news cycles.

“It’s an initiative like nothing I’ve ever seen this week,” said television viewer Christina Robinson, a 33 year old housewife and mother of two.

Milton said the scope of the Obama plan goes above and beyond background checks. If Congress adopts the federal initiative, he said, certain guns and components will become illegal, such as the part of the gun designed to point automatically in the direction of children.

“No longer will gun traders be permitted to sell weapons with child murdering technology preinstalled. Without these components, American guns can not be pointed at children.”

Hurricane Sandy Threatens White Communities Along Eastern United States

white-guy-scared-of-bitchstorm
Chad Lemieux fears the possibility of being unable to charge his phone.

SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — North Americans are glued to their TV sets as they watch two powerful storm systems converge, in real time, over a large portion of the Eastern Seaboard known to be inhabited by white people.

Weather.com’s Shep Shepard reported live from the beachfront where water and foam sprayed up onto the boardwalk. “We’ve never seen anything like it, John. Never before have Americans witnessed a storm so potentially threatening to the security of middle-class whites.”

Water and power outages could mean days or even a week without access to Reddit, except on a smartphone, which Southern Manhattan and Park Slope residents complain is inconvenient.

“It’s downright patronizing,” said New Jersey man Ryan Johnson. “I refuse to zoom in on every comment.”

Area whites complain that without access to water, they could be forced to go days without showering. Brooklyn resident Sherry Melville said the storm couldn’t have come at a worse time. “When sitting alone in a dark house, we need to feel clean all the time. I just feel so, y’know, ugh! I’m going to take a long bath soon, just in case.”

President Barack Obama showed leadership Sunday when he used a string of official-sounding words on the radio, putting his white constituency at ease and ensuring the FEMA vote. Area whites were ordered to evacuate or else stay indoors. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters Monday and said, “As if they were planning on going outside, the president has asked New York and New Jersey residents to remain indoors. We ask that you refresh his Twitter feed for instant updates on what he is doing for you.”

It is unclear what trajectories Hurricane Sandy and the cold front moving in from the west may take, but authorities have already come forward and promised to renovate many parts of Northern Virginia, even those areas untouched by Hurricane Sandy to be sure Macy’s and Best Buys in the area go unaffected in preparation for Black Friday.

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Paul Ryan washes dishes at Ohio soup kitchen and hurries out

Paul Ryan meets free black man
Paul Ryan seen addressing a free black man.

After an embarrassingly forced visit to a soup kitchen, Paul Ryan failed to accrue more votes for himself and aspiring war criminal Mitt Romney.

On his way out, Ryan encountered a free black man. Ryan then demanded the Uncle Tom’s name, but refused to stop and talk with him.

Bill Murray is also known for “crashing parties” by showing up to wash random homeowners’ dishes, but Paul Ryan has found that a demeaning tone, paired with not actually washing any dishes, goes over just as well as he doesn’t care that day about anything going on around him.

“I’m Paul Ryan. Glad to meet you.”

“Glad to meet you too.”

Born and raised here, are you really? Cool. I’m from a town, similar, called Weansley.

Similar to what?

Ryan walks away while the man was still talking to him.

No trespassing.

Mitt Romney Draws Cute Picture of Islam Prophet Muhammed

Mitt Romney Draws Cute Picture of Islam Prophet Muhammad
Using sharpie and posterboard, Mitt Romney discovered a new way to shit on Obama supporters.

“Google is the largest purveyor in existence of sacrosanct images depicting Prophet Muhammad,” Romney said. “And nobody bombs them. But maybe they should.”

And it was the most well spoken thing Romney ever said.

UNIVERSE THREATENED BY NONEXISTENCE

When the universe began, Baby Jesus was just real tiny. Scientific evidence would suggest that Baby Jesus was smaller than the size of an infinitely dense pinhead containing all the matter of the known universe. According to the Bible, the universe is theorized to have originated from a bubble distending from a former instance of a previous universe – perhaps with different physics and even different math – after tunneling through the boundaries of space and time. This is what we understand the Big Bang to be.

President Obama wants an Internet Reset button that would take advantage of our probable existence within a false vacuum to be able to completely kill every person. But instead of killing each and every person, he could dissolve the illusion of time and make it so we never existed, wreaking havoc on our already unstable economy.

The coming of Anti-Christ Obama, as foretold by the Legend of the Bible, and heralded by quantum leaps in blood transfusion technology, would appear to be a self-supportive M-theory of everything, if it weren’t for those meddlin’ A-rabs and their confounded heebie jibby du-rag religion of intolerance. It is thanks to people like Osama bin Laden, Moammar Gaddafi, and George Carlin personal and religious Freedom is infinitely more threatened now than ever before, without possible recourse as a cascading string of invisible black holes accrete the matter from your living rooms, bank accounts, dumb-eyed children and 401K.

Won’t you please help? Donate a bitcoin to the chronicle.su charity for the blind followers of meaningless pseudo-culture today. Won’t you please?

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