Chronicle.SU a Tremendous Success

Just in case you forgot about tubgirl.WASHINGTON — Thank you for making the Soviet Union’s new state-controlled media outlet the only thing you’re legally allowed to read. Our crack team of torture artists tortured our graphic artists until they were near death to achieve this state of true perfection. Our writers were treated in ways much worse, forced to watch Sarah Palin‘s “Alaska” 10 hours a day and eat nothing but cold McDonald’s from the value menu. They were rewarded for good writing with a bath in diarrhea and more friendly canings. Now with increased ad revenue and public support The Internet Chronicle is finally able to fully fund its original mission: terrorism.

Unlike Islamic terrorists, we don’t let Allah sort out the innocent. We promise to assassinate every single politician in Washington, D.C. and raze every capitalist institution from the smallest bank to the largest stock exchange. More bloodthirsty and reckless than Robin Hood, we steal from the rich and the poor so we can commit acts of terror to support the common worker.

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we, too are terrorists. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

julian assange
Julian Assange has found a way to threaten the transparency of government by publishing secret documents. Now he’s a terrorist, just like us.

Julian Assange described himself as “combative,” telling reporters he likes to “crush bastards.” As it turns out, so do we. If it’s too big to fail, it’s too big to exist, and that’s the truth that will carry you and the People’s Report forward into this New Century: Crush the bastards who enforce the status quo, wage slavery and perpetual warfare on humanity. To remove the increasingly oppressive politboro, replacing it with the glorious and oppressive fist of Chronicle.SU!

It has been noted by SOVCHRON officials that once in power, they will continue to insist on terrorism as their primary means of governance, and do not take offense to the term.

Cut off the head and the body will die.”

Hunter S. Thompson

While Julian Assange waits in hiding to be poisoned with polonium 210, the Chronicle orchestrates distributed denial of service attacks on whitehouse.gov, punctuated by covert, sporadic genocide. By conveniently cherry-picking philosophies from Glenn Beck books, we are able to better misrepresent and pursue the common goals of all good people, cleansing this great nation, weeding out thieves, potheads and rapists.

We will execute every potential threat to America until the only people left are good, law-abiding citizens who will be left with no choice to but mate with each other, breeding patriotism back into our great nation.

Our writers ingeniously coined this Red, White & Bluegenics.

Keep your eyes to the skies and be on the lookout for Lebal Drocer warplanes of the highest technology to drop bombs and aide relief, one after the other, on your county today! That’s the Lebal Drocer Promise!

Chronicle.SU wishes to express its solidarity with WikiLeaks and Julian Assange, who have been labeled as terrorists. By such a definition, we are terrorists, too. And so are all those other meddling people who chase such lofty ambitions as “accountability” and “truth.”

Tonight, Julian Assange described himself as “combative”

New Video Game Subverts Morality

Currently, the Coke Fiend team is working on a new MMORPG that promises to make cocaine less exciting and more addictive.

Los Angeles, Calif.- Coke Fiend 3, the hotly-anticipated sequel to Coke Fiend 2, is set to hit store shelves November 12 and fans are in a drug-fueled uproar over their own inability to pace their emotions in time with the release date.

As part of a violent new trend, fans unable to wait for the release of Coke Fiend 3 have taken matters into their own shaky hands. Several video game dealers were shot or held hostage when crazed gunmen stormed Gamestops nationwide, only to find it is not yet in stock. Pre-released copies of Coke Fiend 3 are being traded on the black market for up to $500 per copy. Some offers go as high as $1,000 for “uncut” copies of the game.

An Ice World

Coke Fiend 3 is the latest installment in the Coke Fiend series and features state-of-the-art next-generation graphics and online gameplay. Players find themselves plunged into a world of glorified violence in which the only frame of success are cocaine abuse and gang violence. Your character’s tolerance and ever-increasing demand for cocaine combines the elements of an open-ended RPG with those of Grand Theft Auto.

The game’s pacing, however, is what sets Coke Fiend 3 apart from all other videogames. The player starts out with a score in the upper-right hand corner, and underneath that, his money supply and drug supply figures are tallied. He also has assets which provide a bonus to the point system, such as a boathouse and prostitution ring, previously acquired near the end of Coke Fiend 2. But as his coke habit progresses, the score is gradually obscured by the edge of the screen, and is eventually pushed out completely, becoming irrelevant. As well, your assets become inaccessible through neglect and are eventually phased out completely, and forgotten amidst a haze of cocaine abuse, which sometimes spills over into real life with “great results,” according to one anonymous gamer.

Brian Whitaker, American game reviewer for Electronic Gaming Monthly, told Soviet Chronicle the immersive feel of Coke Fiend 3 is what makes this title the “most ungodly ecstatic” game for console systems to date. He added, “It’s better than God, friends, or sex with a child prostitute, which you can now do in Coke Fiend 3.”

Coke Fiend 3
This is the first Coke Fiend to feature a secret spousal abuse mini-game.

Game designers stress the realism of the Coke Fiend series. “You can’t get totally fucked up on your own supply, or you’ll never make a profit,” explains Chris Dapriciola, executive at Coke Fiend Productions.  However, borrowing elements of the popular XBOX-exclusive Fable series, players can choose the “dark side,” which in this case, is to descend into the world of crack abuse if they make too many Coke related mistakes.

For instance, when facing what at first seems like an overwhelming number of bad guys, your player can abuse up to his entire on-hand supply of cocaine all at once, and go on Scarface-style rampages, where he will temporarily gain a bottomless pain tolerance and enjoy slowed-down, sharpened murderous rages, killing his assailants with the relative ease of a Jedi Knight – on cocaine.

Controversy

You gotta take her out
Some critics have argued that media tends to glamorize the use of drugs.

It is for this reason critics say that Coke Fiend glamorizes drug abuse, and point specifically to “Coked Out Mode” as a culprit in youth addiction. Game designers have countered that the newly-added Coke Rage feature leaves the character in a self-hating daze where no amount of cocaine will trigger super powers for “at least 30 seconds.”

Additionally, any damage taken during this time is compounded by latent methadone addiction because in Coke Fiend 3, there are no doctors. “Healing” is achieved through further drug use fostered by street dealers and the pharmaceutical industry, to whom your character is known to have seedy connections that unfold with the storyline.

Look for Coke Fiend 3 on store shelves Friday, or if you are among the impatient masses reading this because you scour the internet like a vacuum cleaner that must insufflate every last word of Coke Fiend news, then you’ve probably already gotten the cracked .exe from bit torrents and are in some kind of gamed-out stupor from which not even Coke Fiend 3 can absolve you, so your only choice now is to read about it here.

Well done.

Man Patiently Waits For JNCOs To Be Cool Again

Juggalo
Tom and his JNCOs

Roanoke, Va.–“I used to wear these in middle school, when everybody was doing it. We’d put these jeans on and quietly sit expanding our consciousnesses to Coal Chamber, KoRn, and Insane Clown Posse,” said unemployed Thomas Cranwell, 25, inside his mother’s home where he still resides.

Instead of waiting for the late-90s style to return, experts say he should start hanging out with the right people.

“Still highly sought after by juggalos, JNCOs are the rarest type of jeans found in goodwill,” said InDesign TV’s fashion expert Claude Montagne.

The world’s largest pair of JNCO’s

“They look like a skirt, sometimes, or like a pair of shorts for a giant,” said Montagne, adding, “You drop something in the pockets of a JNCOs and you can forget about it.”

JNCOs were easy to spot in the late 90’s, and were typically held up with one hand while the other hand swayed out at a 45-degree angle, as if the wearer was constantly battling the urge to stiff-arm imaginary children.

The Lee Pipes model, ex-competitor to JNCO, no longer extends ten feet outward in all directions. Following hipster fashion, Lee Pipes now makes skinny, constrictive jeans for people who are just now getting on board.

JNCO’s doctors and lawyers warn against this particular style of jeans, citing reproductive issues as a cause for concern.

“Any male who wears these constrictive jeans for too long risks severe damage to his scrotum, penis, and even the vas deferens,” said El Wax Research Department, Berkeley, California Chairman Dr. Langstrom T. Armstrong, expert in Urology.

“Vas deferens?” he added incredulously, “How do they work!?”

The vas deferens is an eighteen inch tube carrying sperm from the epididymis to the ejaculatory ducts. Or, as Insane Clown Posse explains it: “Miracles.”

“Magic everywhere in this bitch.”

-ICP

Thomas Cranwell said he will hang onto the jeans for at least another decade, holding out either for a relapse in fashion sense or for an open letter of apology from the JC Penny’s that sold him the pants.

“In the meantime,” he said, “I pick a particularly tough day after work and wear them as an aid to my sense of well-being.”

ELF WAX TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Washington, D.C.–In an unprecedented bid for the United States Presidency, The Elf Wax Times has entered the race.

It is the first time in the history of the world an entire publication has ran for public office. They will probably win.

“You’re not just voting for a president, but an entire cabinet,” a man known only as ‘The Cold Hard Truth’ told reporters Thursday. He presented himself as their attorney, though his credentials are questionable at best.

He said, “The executive staff of The Elf Wax Times operates ruthlessly and efficiently, and we are fully prepared to step on anyone who gets in our way.”

Viet Zam will be the Defense Comrade, he said, unfurling a tattered scroll. Reading it aloud, The Cold Hard Truth announced, “By the way, we are a Marxist party, which we just formed.”

The Elf Wax Times promised in a television commercial “to president at least once a week,” and said that at no point in time will any part of the administration appear on women’s daytime TV.

“If Elf Wax appears on TV,” said the Elf Wax Times’ Media Mogul, “It will be Spike TV or one of those shows like ‘Pawn Stars’ or MTV’s ‘Pimp My Ride.’

The Co-President-To-Be went on to say, “We’re also considering a downloadable podcast on the PlayStation Network as well as pornography endeavors.”

Afterward, Media Mogul told reporters, and extended to all Americans, that if they wish to see change, then there would have to be sacrifice. He warned citizens must be willing to “game out” at least twice a day. “For some,” he said, “This will require a severe cutback on gaming. For others, it will demand much, much more.”

Furthermore, he went on to cite Gandhi, reminding Americans they must be the change they wish to see in the world. “So if you want pot legalized, start getting high with police officers,” later adding, “I’m just going to sit back and watch.”

To win the Republicans over, Viet Zam intimated his desire to replace the military with autonomous kill-bots that once set on BLIND RAGE MODE can not be undone, “for maximum defense.” He said freedom will be programmed into their circuitry, hard-wiring them for democratic, bloodthirsty justice that will be unleashed “mostly on brown people” following the 2012 election, but could extend to whites who can’t speak American or who have their own alphabet.

Loki and the Hecktones, premier cabinet leaders, and well-known from inside The Elf Wax Times for building their fame around pure absurdity, have pointed out the necessity to bring back the unwitting “dosing” of agents within the FBI, CIA, and especially the administration itself with LSD-25.

Loki said, “It is our heartfelt belief that every man, woman and child – wait, especially children – should at least once in their lifetimes experience the effects of lysergic acid diethylamide.” A sudden silence fell over the crowded room of reporters and newscasters and photographers stopped taking pictures. At this, Loki’s eyes bulged out of his head as he exclaimed, “What? Don’t be so fucking lame. Jesus Christ who let all these squares in the room?” Kilgore Trout, the self-described ‘Face of Elf Wax’ reacted promptly by placing one hand on Loki’s shoulder as he quietly escorted him off the stage, beaming for the cameras.

While Sarah Palin and Barack Obama scoff at the notion, The Elf Wax Times’ team of political analysts project that the publication’s platform of drug use, videogames and name-calling will be all they need. Voters who “wish to make the right decision” to vote for them in the 2012 election, are expected to “inform themselves,” said a man named Bill, “because we’re pulling the ads.” Experts predict a landslide victory for The Elf Wax Times.

Thanks to LebalSoft voting machines, voters will have the unique opportunity of voting for Elf Wax as early as they feel like, and as many times as they want if they feel their vote wasn’t counted properly. Additionally, voting has been turned into a “game,” according to one anonymous source from within Lebal Drocer.

Due to the dangerously high lead content of their products, all Lebal Drocer representatives speak on the condition of anonymity.

In the game, voters are rewarded with tickets and prizes for casting the right vote in the correct order. Prizes include freedom tickets, XBOX Gamer Points, even the right to vote. Freedom tickets would be redeemable at the United States Government. These are “higher-level prizes” that award freedom of speech allowances and “get out of jail if your 4th Amendment Rights were compromised” cards. “It’s like a get-out-of-jail-free card, but the 2010 version.”

There are no contacts listed for The Elf Wax Times and the staff could not be reached for any comments relating to anything, whatsoever.

The world must simply wait on standby for a glimmer of hope, change, or a press release explaining why there has been none, which sources predict may never come.

VOTING DOES NOT MATTER

A vote for the president is a vote wastedI don’t understand why people still vote.

Who honestly believes the president will do what he says and as a result goes in to punch his ticket?

Based on their track record of failing to keep promises, you would think logic dictates that, “If a presidential candidate says he will pull our troops out of [insert ongoing foreign war here], but extends their tours of duty once in office, then shouldn’t I vote for the guy who says he wants war forever, because that is what I don’t want, and it’s what he is promising?”

Shit. I think I just figured out how I’m going to vote in 2012. That is, if I vote, which I won’t, because voting is for tools.

YOU HEARD IT AT ELF WAX: VOTING IS FOR TOOLS.

Because when you vote, you become a tool of the state, not of Democracy; and not a strong, useful tool but something more like a bullshit-absorbent sponge that when squeezed, produces a vote for whatever filth you retain. When they teach you that “the system works” by showing how when the majority votes on a candidate, or an issue, laws and policies change, it matches superficial cause-and-effect logic, but the side effects are neither seen nor tested. The system works, sure, but not for you, me, or the American people, or the people of the world. The system you legitimize through the practice of voting (or not) serves only the rich and privileged who ensure the elite maintain power.

This includes statesmen, conglomerations, corporate America, and people you’ll never know exist who orchestrate conflict-of-interest nightmare deals between government agencies and massive, reality-altering corporations. The end result is a sort of reverse-socialism where our decisions are made for us not by the government as Corporate News might have you fear, but by corporate interests themselves. The government is virtually powerless when one considers the proto-oligarchy of Wal-Mart, Google, Lockheed-Martin, the pharmaceutical industry and petroleum companies whose leadership is not comprised only of Americans but extends to all countries, including America’s enemies, in a trend called globalization. They vaguely touch upon this in high schools but due to an increase in difficult questions have shaved this discussion back dramatically.

So when people vote, and the faces change around – and new portraits are slapped up on the television screen, I know nobody’s surprised that the end result is the same, but they still complain like it’s that individual’s fault. The modern President is no more a leader today than Rush Limbaugh. That’s why he goes on shows like The View and talks to women. The illusion of power comes with his presence. But the truly powerful, any thinking man knows, live and die in the shadows. And tell Bush, Clinton, Bush, Obama, Sarah Palin, and General Patreus what to do.

So why do people vote? What I thought was funny in a tragic sort of way is how massive numbers of people came out to vote in the 2008 election. It was based on hope, or perhaps to ‘shake things up’ if they voted for Obama and old-fashioned common sense if you voted for McCain – that is, until Sarah Palin miracled his penis erect long enough to coerce the Vice President slot out of him with sex. And then everybody knew better. But now Americans are probably learning the sad truth about how neither Hope nor ideology can overcome the gauntlet of constituency and special interest groups a president is faced with during his first week in office.

“You can’t change that fucking policy! And you’ll owe me billions, if you do! Also, I guess you like having Michelle and the kids alive, right? I like ya, Barack. You shoot a straight line. So don’t fuck me here. Go out and flash that toothy grin of yours and get me paid before I put your balls on the shelf next to Kennedy’s skull fragment, motherfucker.”

So…ignorance, I have concluded, is why people vote. And yet, because they vote, they consider themselves to be informed, as if it takes knowledge or a certain degree of intellectual prowess to vote. Hardest part is overcoming the distrust of a voting machine, these days. These things can be programmed to get Proxima Centaurians elected. I think dogs make just as good voters, what with their gut instincts and all that. And people’s guts probably said, “Go with Obama. At least he’s smart and seems well-intentioned.” However, no amount of good intentions can erase the cold hard fact that we are at war with our own inflationary military industrial complex, to feed the need for War, and for oil to propagate the American Way – even though we’re still shooting at the brown people. We were on our way to war on the New Pipeline and people were screaming “bring the troops home.” It’s eerily quiet and suddenly Obama announced pulling combat troops out of Iraq and leaving an infrastructural force. But, the people were told to expect our troops to come home based on an empty promise, so falling in with the narrative, he provided that. Enjoy your Kandahar Province push, American citizens. Because it’s happening. We got troops preparing to pipe oil in from places you don’t dare imagine during your drive-time commute, and you call yourselves good Americans because you vote. What are you voting to receive? The sticker on your shirt? “I voted!” Checkmark. Get fucked.

Nowadays, we vote with our dollars. Stop spending money on pharmaceutical agents and you’ll see marijuana legalized. You’ll see LSD testing start back up to truly cure the depressed and mentally sick so you don’t have to watch your loved ones lurch around like doped up zombie shells to the beat of the pilltray. Vote against war by protesting en masse at the gas station. Let ’em collapse. Nothing’s too big to fail, except the human race and the war machine will ensure that happens, on a long-enough time frame. Information is on the horizon that will destroy the need for current needs and probably your way of life. Get ready, voters. 38 liars just a month away. Another chance to feel good about yourselves. Another chance to respect these people because they’re good at putting money together and flashing a smile on TV. Another chance to destroy the human race, one action – or inaction – at a time; it makes no difference.

NEW MANDATE: Guns for the Blind

lol, aim a little more left
lol, aim a little more left

Midlothian, Va.–Recent studies have shown that Blind people are 37% more likely to be robbed or subject to senseless beatings than other handicapped persons. While the reasons remain withheld, the government has taken action to stop this recent trend by adding a new section to Title V of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). Dubbed “Project Blindfire,” this section states that all blind people in the United State are required to carry a government issued M1191 pistol at all times.

In addition to the handgun, a 2 week training program is required to be taken. During the course many effective aiming techniques are taught as well as proper gun care. Other optional courses include archery and crossbow training, hand to hand combat, jujutsu, muay thai, crochet, and salsa dancing.

While skeptics remain uncertain about how effective the new program will be, the ADA has utmost confidence that within the next few months all blind people in the United States will be self-reliant death machines. When we asked how the program has begun to teach America’s most vision impaired citizens to shoot with precision, we were given an astonishing answer:

According to a study done by the Bureau for Blind Studies, all people with a vision field of less than 20 degrees can be trained to use echo-location. This means that before each shot, the gunman must let out a high pitched yelp to temporarily shock and determine the location of their assailant. (Other animals that use echo location are dolphins and whales. It is though that, if given time, dolphins and whales can be trained to one day patrol the oceans.)

artist's impression of pending ADA amendment
artist's impression of pending ADA amendment

Other parts of this new ADA amendment state that because of the unfair advantage of giving a firearm to blind person, their seeing-eye dog must also be blind. The best way to do this is with a spike and a hammer. But don’t worry, it isn’t as inhumane as it sounds. Because the seeing-eye dogs are blind, they too will be issued firearms.

An inside source, who spoke under the condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to give out sensitive information, told the Elf Wax Times the new mandate is part of a government plan to blind everyone, incentivizing blindness with free pistols under the guise of personal safety. “What the people don’t realize,” he said, “Is we won’t even need a shadow government anymore. Everybody’s blind. Now, all we need is a quiet government to sneak up on you.”

Handgun enthusiasts are awash with moonshine-induced blindness following announcement of the new amendment, which isn’t expected to be implemented until late 2012, which Elf Wax analysts say will be “too late.”

The majority of the world’s dolphins, however, voted in favor of the amendment, but because the amendment makes them underwater gun slaves, each individual vote only counts for three fifths of an actual vote, and it was not passed, thus freeing them again.

Elf Wax Times: Demographic Research

PLEASE IGNORE THIS MESSAGE FROM OUR SPONSOR:

Afkin
My only regret is that I did not hold CTRL+V any longer

okay that’s more like it.

this fucking thing doesn’t work but every so often when it wants to. okay, folks the elf wax times software is breaking down, like our minds. Would you like a new layout? There’s shit we can’t tell you about this site – horrible vulnerabilities that would bottom this piece of shit out if only you knew how to exploit them. But you don’t because you’re a n00b!

It’s becoming harder to manage, and easier to fuck up. Some of the links have stopped working for reasons we don’t care to fix. I don’t care, do you care? Nobody cares. That’s because you’re the kind of fans who would rather jerk your wrinked-up little cocks to Miley Montana than post a comment. And that’s cool.

But what I’m really disturbed to see is that fewer of you are finding The Elf Wax Times by way of “Miley fucks her father” through our good friends at google, better known as the world’s most efficient child pornography torrent finder dot com.

So for the last time (lol jk), we have offered you a beacon of sex googling where the real joke is on your own erection. So be it. You laughed, didn’t you?

Waynesville, N.C.–Good God, what have we created? Readers discover the humor found in this site the same way I discovered adult humor myself, as a small child.

I was a five year old boy, hanging out in the garage, “working” on cars with my Papaw. More like eating caramels in front of a heater on an old ripped-up carseat, but you get what I’m saying. Anyway, he was busy working on something and I got tired of drawing Model Ts and Model As (if ya know what I mean) so I started digging around through some boxes that turned out to belong to my uncle Randy. Man. I hope one day I get to write a book about THAT guy. He’s really something.

Anyway, I find these old porno mags, you know Playboy and whatever else, but there was also Hustler – where the bitches are laid out all spread-eagle spreading their pink so you can practice being a gynecologist in the privacy of your own bathroom. “Holy shit!” I thought. “This is what they have been hiding from me all these years.” I ran with the books to my bedroom, then into my bathroom and touched my weiner to the pages, thinking this is what sex was (it was not as satisfying as I’d hoped), as I took note of a woman able to lick her own genitalia. After numerous failed attempts to do the same, I just sort of continued to rub my weiner all over the pages, because that felt best out of anything. WHAT? I mean, I didn’t know how to jerk off, what was I supposed to do?

In my quest to discover which page felt best rubbed against my weiner, I was fascinated to discover a comic, drawn inside a circle like that failure of a comic you might mistakenly hope to be entertaining and read every couple of years called “The Family Circus.” And what a family this was! It was a girl sucking what the caption would have me believe was her brother’s dick on the front porch while their father stood in the open doorway, pointing her like a dog toward the back of the trailer and yelling a vowel that looked like “eggs.”

“This is what girls are for,” I thought, and stopped rubbing my junk all over the pages. I took immediate comfort in knowing I had used the magazine incorrectly, and that my uncle probably hadn’t pressed his junk against this magazine at all. But in this moment a new realization hits me. What DID hit the pages?

So, I want to know, is that how you guys feel after reading The Elf Wax Times?

Yes, we can acknowledge The Elf Wax Times is just a dick joke you didn’t hope to find while searching for the glory hole nearest you.

actual elf wax related searches include:

1. sexting
2. carl sagan weed
3. sexting pics
4. elf wax

Yes, elf wax is fourth.

5. lesbians

rofl

6-10 are variants on elf wax times, and many others are either not so funny or repetitive..

15. blowojob party
16. butt hole
19. daughter fucks dad
20. elf fuck
21. elf rape
22. glory holes in virginia
25. miley cyrus sexting
26. my daughters a whore
27. nc blowjob law

which, interestingly enough, can be found on elf wax times

28. nick jonas sexting

(he is rumored to have sexted w/ miley cyrus which means it really happened and must exist on the internet somewhere, google)

30. roanoke va whores

and so on. there are hundreds upon hundreds of these, so here are some of our favorites:

Protesters gear up to repress rowdy G-20 police

G-20, TORONTO– The police stand on the far side of a chain-link fence, waving their guns and batons for attention. They shout pro status quo slogans in an attempt to start a conflict with the amazingly organized protesters. Diana Lauder gives marching orders, and the protesters fall in step with more loyalty than Hitler’s secret police.

“We just want to keep them under control,” Lauder said. “If they begin to use threatening force, we will not hesitate to go straight to our contingency plan, to sit in the grass with our legs crossed, hold up a peace sign, and be shot with rubber bullets and teargas.”

Protesters menacing helpless crowd police
Protesters menacing helpless crowd police

One witness to the violence said the protesters’ abuse of authority was “dehumanizing…completely.” The G-20 protesters systematically violate the civil rights of well-meaning riot police to peacelessly assemble and resist forwardly.

The Canadian government just passed a law in 2007 that said protesters have the right to assemble, so in fairness, protesters count on the police officers to activate a law from 1939 that gives them extraordinary powers under vague circumstances.

“Oppression is, after all, built into the framework, so it’s our job to see to it the rights of police officers are upheld; the right to trample innocent bystanders and shoot them with gas-powered weapons,” said area hippie and peace enthusiast Alistair Robin Rowntree.

The protesters, in spite of their insatiable thirst for violence, face uncertainty too. They are up against people “with a natural aversion to violence,” warned Elf Wax social scientist Akhmed Karzai, so without warning or provocation, the protesters may be forced to attack unwitting riot guards.

Law specialist Bernie Hedriff of The Royal Canadian Mounted Police said,

“Police officers have traditionally constituted the highly-respected, intellectual elite of secondary schools everywhere, known to keep themselves educated on current events and eager to take part in the democratic process; whereas your average political protester is usually some ignorant underachiever who got picked on in school for being dumb and now craves control. This much, we all know,” explained Hedriff. “What is not well known, however, is these peace officers who work as riot guards near political functions – they’re left with no choice but to apply the law, which states that as long as violence is occurring somewhere in the city, they may – no, they must – use excessive force on those around them, especially on the frontlines of the gray area between civil rights and civil disobedience, where examples must clearly be made.”

So, really there are no rights at all, giving the police exactly the kind of protection they need from the oppressing protesting.

Draconian laws allow civil rights to assembly and free speech to be trampled underfoot, and protesters are outnumbered in some situations by three to one, so even in spite of their docile nature, it is difficult to keep the glacial movement of the riot guards in place. Perhaps more obscurely, David Icke, Lizard-Overlord historian and philosoholic, recommends protesters use lizard-repellent, because “The police hate it,” he said.

“I do not believe that the individuals bent on vandalism and violence in our city have finished with their intent, so we will remain vigilant,” Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair said Saturday night.

Of the police, said one protester standing guard, “These criminals rely on the anonymity of hiding in a larger group of the curious and the naive.”

Fences protect freedom by caging it in
Fences protect freedom by caging it in

The riot police and summit leaders behind them are in such great danger that a giant fence was erected to protect their freedoms.

Toronto police said the fence was not breached Saturday.

In response to the impenetrable wall of freedom, protesters torched police cars, broke windows, and bravely vandalized everything in sight, effectively crippling the riot guards, citywide. Our prayers go out to the uniformed victims of protest-abuse in Toronto.

“Fuck you, I won’t do what ya tell me.”

-Riot police, to voters

Behind closed doors, world leaders gathered at the G-20 Summit to discuss the global financial crisis, and how to ease global debt – or at least find a common lie to agree on.

So far, the plan is to finally reveal the all-encompassing pattern of human enslavement across the global third-world plantation, reducing the overhead cost of hiding it.

PROTEST IN D.C.

HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
HAMAS GATHERS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE
TYLER BASS of The Elf Wax Times Live Reporting Team is at the anti-war protest rally in Washington, D.C. Here we are in front of the White House, where the march began. The protesters are currently marching from LaFayette to 16th. These pictures are extremely high-resolution. They are in descending order starting at the top and going down (sorry we were in a hurry).an absurd caricature of a hippie
An absurd caricature of a hippie.
tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010
tyler bass: anti-war march on Washington, D.C. March 20, 2010

Imperial March music plays in the background. It is rumored that Hamas has infiltrated the protest group and plans to bring down Democracy from the inside out. This is why the Public Works Department is fining the ANSWER Coalition into the ground.

tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton
tyler bass: protesters en route to Halliburton
thousands of people march down the street
thousands of people march down the street
at the park?
A drum circle settles the angry crowds.
big sign bigger buildings
this guy with the "kill the bill" sign was a Ron Paul supporter, and a 9/11 Truther who believes the World Trade Center was rigged with explosives and fell due to a controlled explosion and not the airplanes crashing into buildings

On the WTC, our reporter asked this man, who is a Ron Paul supporter and a 9/11 Truth Movement…advocate-guy, “Ron Paul said he doesn’t believe there were bombs in the World Trade Center.”

He responded, “[He has] to say that because he’s a politician.”

To which we asked, “Why are you going to vote for someone who’s just gonna lie to get elected?”

protest march

indict bush now

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The Islamic holocaust.

134

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Indict the previous president for what's happening now. It's all his fault.

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if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda
if you look closely, you can see Al Qaeda

Roughly five or six thousand people attended the protest rally to march.

A few people were arrested or detained. Earlier in the day, a group of people belonging to Iraq Veterans Against War (IVAW) tried to put down a mud stencil on the sidewalk. The police got mad about it and cited a statute under D.C. law that you can’t put out a mud stencil. Protesters were no longer allowed near that area.

Wayne Brauer and Matthieux Chiraux were detained. Cindy Sheehan was arrested for who knows how many times in a row. She’s planning to camp somewhere, too.

Nader showed up but would not speak to reporters. At least not Elf Wax reporters.

Ramsey Clark, Saddam Hussein’s attorney was present but also would not speak to us.

ANTI-WAR PROTEST IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

ANSWER Coalition
ANSWER Coalition

Washington, D.C.–Tomorrow, Americans will march on the White House in protest of the ongoing war occupations of Afghanistan and Iraq. Demonstrators Thursday called Bush and Obama’s wars an “illegal war for empire.”

The ANSWER coalition (Act Now to Stop War and End Racism) has been fined $7,500 for putting up signs in a move by the government that Brian Becker of the ANSWER Coalition said is “trying to limit or eviscerate or criminalize grassroots organizing itself.”

They were fined for handing out leaflets and putting up posters and signs, which the Department of Public Works has demanded the organization’s members remove.

Becker said that for eighteen months they have been targeted, accumulating between seventy and eighty thousand dollars in fines.

President of Veterans for Peace Mike Ferner said, “We will not be leaving Iraq and Afghanistan unless enough people in this country stand up.”

Organizers say the Afghanistan conflict is “Obama’s War,” just as Iraq was Bush’s war, and there is no difference between the two Presidents’ war policies.

Becker said a growing number of people oppose “the expanding war in Afghanistan, the continued occupation Afghanistan, [and] the continued occupation of Iraq.”

Cindy Sheehan, who garnered public attention in 2005 for camping outside President Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Tex. said, “Some people have abandoned the antiwar movement, have abandoned peace, since Obama’s been president. But we need to re-create a movement.”

Pondolfino of Military Families Speak Out said Thursday, “I’m the proud mother of an active-duty infantry soldier…We love and support our troops. And it is because we do that we will vocally show our opposition whenever our government sends them to ill-advised, immoral, unwinnable wars.”

Tyler Bass will report in to The Elf Wax Times via cell-phone, sending large photographs of the demonstration as it unfolds throughout the day, starting in LaFayette park across the street from the White House, and throughout the march on Washington in which tens of thousands of people are expected to participate.