BOSTON, MASS. – Early Wednesday morning, Romney fans who signed up for the “Mitt’s VP” app received word that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal would be the Republican Party’s vice presidential candidate.
Jindal’s racial background, says Council on Foreign Relations President Richard Haas, was the deciding factor. “Romney is very, very rich,” says Mr. Haas. “His campaign is parroting the successful exploitation of white guilt, which was instrumental in Obama’s election.”
Conservatives everywhere lauded this selection, seeing Jindal as confirmation of Romney’s dedication to Christian Family Values. “When you combine a Mormon with an ex-Hindu Catholic who doesn’t believe evolution should be taught in school, it sends a clear message of Faith in the American People,” said influential American televangelist Pat Robertson, in a special message on his own Christian Broadcasting Network.
Mr. Robertson continued, “Those liberals think they can hide under the Satanic blanket of identity politics — cynically asking you to vote for someone due to his ethnicity.” Raising and balling up his fist, he continued, “Two can play at that game.”
Mr. Romney has already upset members of the international community, many of whose members say the Jindal pick is an attempt to pander to American Exceptionalism. At a press conference this afternoon, Romney urged for the Republican Party to come together around the Louisiana governor.
“Bobby Jindal,” he says, “is exactly what immigrants to the United States should look like! He’s an American to the core, and that’s why I chose this man to be the next vice president of the United States of America!”
Nuclear weapons have been activated world-wide by Lucifer’s commando-demons, and the world is now on the brink of total destruction! As the weapons are aimed for their final, maximum destructive potential the whole of mankind will end sometime tonight, in a hail of nuclear explosions that will “most likely change the entire geography of earth.” There is no word yet on a post-apocalyptic race of mutated apes, the last ray of hope for humankind.
With the coming of Pat Robertson’s apparent death, witnesses report the Devil appeared and massacred more than 3,000 of the now-dead Religious icon’s congregation. He revealed that he had in fact been in control of Pat Robertson for his entire life and was the Anti-Christ. He asserted that Christ was actually celebrity pill-popper Heath Ledger and that there was no chance for Earth. Our analysts indicate that was just the devil’s dark humor, but our polls show 95% of people believe that Heath Ledger actually was Jesus Christ.
His paramilitary remained faithful and have been given the gift of permanent Demonhood in return for their service. Lucifer returned to hell triumphantly, being the final owner of all human souls. The magical winged paramilitary with infinite bullet clips have already killed all major urban centers’ entire population.
People in hiding have already begun resorting to suicide, perhaps out of fear, but most likely because their souls are forever lost and tormented by the dark master of evil. Every body of water has turned to blood, and fresh water is no longer even an option. Indeed the rapture is upon us and Satan has prevailed, but 666 really had nothing to do with it.