Paul Ryan washes dishes at Ohio soup kitchen and hurries out

Paul Ryan meets free black man
Paul Ryan seen addressing a free black man.

After an embarrassingly forced visit to a soup kitchen, Paul Ryan failed to accrue more votes for himself and aspiring war criminal Mitt Romney.

On his way out, Ryan encountered a free black man. Ryan then demanded the Uncle Tom’s name, but refused to stop and talk with him.

Bill Murray is also known for “crashing parties” by showing up to wash random homeowners’ dishes, but Paul Ryan has found that a demeaning tone, paired with not actually washing any dishes, goes over just as well as he doesn’t care that day about anything going on around him.

“I’m Paul Ryan. Glad to meet you.”

“Glad to meet you too.”

Born and raised here, are you really? Cool. I’m from a town, similar, called Weansley.

Similar to what?

Ryan walks away while the man was still talking to him.

No trespassing.

Romney Chooses Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal as Running Mate

Lousiana Governor Bobby Jindal, ex-Hindu, and Vice Presidential Pick

BOSTON, MASS. – Early Wednesday morning, Romney fans who signed up for the “Mitt’s VP” app received word that Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal would be the Republican Party’s vice presidential candidate.

Jindal’s racial background, says Council on Foreign Relations President Richard Haas, was the deciding factor. “Romney is very, very rich,” says Mr. Haas. “His campaign is parroting the successful exploitation of white guilt, which was instrumental in Obama’s election.”

Conservatives everywhere lauded this selection, seeing Jindal as confirmation of Romney’s dedication to Christian Family Values. “When you combine a Mormon with an ex-Hindu Catholic who doesn’t believe evolution should be taught in school, it sends a clear message of Faith in the American People,” said influential American televangelist Pat Robertson, in a special message on his own Christian Broadcasting Network.

Mr. Robertson continued, “Those liberals think they can hide under the Satanic blanket of identity politics — cynically asking you to vote for someone due to his ethnicity.” Raising and balling up his fist, he continued, “Two can play at that game.”

Mr. Romney has already upset members of the international community, many of whose members say the Jindal pick is an attempt to pander to American Exceptionalism. At a press conference this afternoon, Romney urged for the Republican Party to come together around the Louisiana governor.

“Bobby Jindal,” he says, “is exactly what immigrants to the United States should look like! He’s an American to the core, and that’s why I chose this man to be the next vice president of the United States of America!”