Cars 2 Review – Where Were The People?

CARS - MATER
GIT R DUN!

I watched Cars 2 tonight. It was better than the first one, which contained faggoty overtones of Podunk nostalgia.

Cars 2 was less celebratory of self-imposed limitations and even called out Mater & his voice actor Larry the Cable Guy’s act of ignorance by pointing out how the audience is too busy laughing at his act to realize he’s not really a good ol’ boy like them is. In Mater’s case, his character really was that dumb. But in “Larry’s” case, he’s not.

What I liked about Cars 2 was all the stereotypes. They had Asians, Mexicans, Italians – Russians named Ivan – all down pat. They even added a “black” car – an old hooptie that sounded like a doped-up Wanda Sykes or something. It was my pleasure to watch this movie in the white-bred Appalachian community of Waynesville, North Carolina (right outside of Clyde, near Canton, for those of you who need a point of reference) and they loved that sista-car. She was funny, for a nigger.

Cars 2 is NOT for children. That is, unless you like exposing your children to banality and mediocrity while rednecks clap for the theater screen. “That was too much!” As Mater boosts around London with rocket boosters.

Now that I think more about Mater, maybe Cars 2 was a celebration of good-natured ignorance after all. He was instructed not to change even if he is seen as an embarrassment to the entire world: all but the Car Citizens of defunct Radiator Springs located along an obsolete desert stretch of Route 66.

Mater won the hottest bitchin’-ass car featured in the entire movie – a British spy technician luxury sports car with medium-sized car tits and a sultry voice actress who is assertive and qualified, but not quite as domineering as the weakest male character in the film.

Despite all the gender and racial stereotyping, and in spite of the product placement and references to TV commercials, I could still relate to the storytelling found in Cars 2, until I realized one thing: I could not connect, emotionally, to the characters or the plot-line. That’s because there are no fucking people.

Who drives the cars? Why do they construct buildings? Are there car beds in Car Tokyo in the Car Apartments and what about the Car Churches? Is there a Car God? There was a Car Pope in Cars 2. But not one single human being. So why do the cars speak different languages in different accents? Did the cars evolve over many hundreds of thousands, or even millions of years, to develop their own languages and regional dialects? Was there a time in Cars history when the Cars had not yet invented their parts because they had not yet even mastered stone tools?

Finally. I’m going to ask this one more time. Where were all the fucking people?

And now for Dan Whitney, before he became “Larry the Cable Guy!”

Vultures Of The Human Kingdom

The vulture cleans up messes in nature, which would otherwise cause health problems. They don’t attack healthy animals, but focus on dead and dying animals. Botulinum toxin, the toxin that causes botulism, does not affect them, and they can eat rotten flesh containing anthrax, rabies, and cholera bacteria, with no ill health effects. The vulture’s sense of smell is so great, that they are able to smell the dead they focus upon from great heights. Vast numbers have been seen upon battlefields. They gorge themselves when prey is abundant, until their stomach bulges, and then sit, sleepy and groggy, until they digest their food. These birds are of great value as scavengers, especially in hot regions, as they are one of the rare scavengers that can survive in hot, arid, desert regions. They are able to survive in blistering hot temperatures because they shit on their legs, and the water evaporating from their shit cools their body down.

The decline in vultures has led to hygiene problems in India, as carcasses of dead animals now tend to rot, or be eaten by rats or wild dogs, rather than be tidied up by vultures. Rabies among these other scavengers is a major health threat. India has one of the world’s highest incidences of rabies.

As valuable as vultures are to mankind, they do not get the appreciation they deserve.

The human vultures of the world don’t get the appreciation they deserve either. Just like vultures eat dead animals so that they won’t spread disease, homeless people rifle through our trash to take our half eaten food, so it won’t turn rotten and spread disease. So, when you see a bum rummaging through your trash, keep in mind that, just like their airborne brethren the vulture, they are doing us a service.

Elf Wax zoologists have discovered that homeless people tend to smell so bad because they go to the bathroom on themselves. One theory is that, like the vulture, the homeless rely on water evaporating from the excrement and urine in their pants to keep themselves cool.

Just as vultures are able to live on only the carcasses of dead and diseased animals, the homeless are able to live on only the spare change and discarded food of the working.

The homeless, like the vulture, have evolved into a creature that can survive in almost any region, and sustain themselves on the waste of others. These misunderstood creatures are truly miracles of nature, and should be revered for their adaptability……..not scorned.

President Obama vows to regulate the breeding of ugly people

In a landmark decision, President Obama has proclaimed that there are too many ugly people getting married and breeding, and that it has already reached epidemic proportions.

“How many times have you gone to the mall, and seen two disgusting people walking around with a pack of ugly kids”, Obama asked the audience in the press room. Obama went on to say “these same people can be seen walking around the nations capitol, with their brood of ugly children. How can I possibly change the image of our country, when foreign dignitaries visit America and see ugly people everywhere they look”.

If this proposal becomes regulation, couples who are deemed to be ugly will be limited to having only one offspring. This would prevent them from continuing to flood the country with their kind.

The president has unanimous support from both Republicans and Democrats in his fight to stop this epidemic, with the lone opposition being from Rep. John Boehner (R-OH 8th District).

Boehner told an Elf Wax Times White House correspondent that “If we allow the President to regulate the breeding of ugly people, who knows what he could start to regulate next”. Boehner expressed concerns that “First it will be ugly people, then it will be people who are named after erections”.

In spite of Boehner’s vehement objections, President Obama’s proposal will likely pass both houses, and become law.