Eleven dead after release of new McDonald's "food product"

Today, 11 people died when a local McDonald’s announced a new item on their Dollar menu. The sandwich promised to contain so much grease and sugar, you were guaranteed a doctor’s visit redeemable with an official voucher printed and attached to every receipt.

While people continue to kill themselves from the inside out by eating McDonald’s hamgurgers, on Friday, brutal tramplings killed three children and an elderly couple, among six other victims whose remains have been sent to RPD for identification.

Officer Hindenson told reporters this afternoon, “The police are ready to hand out a killer slap on the wrist,” to those involved in Friday’s stomping-related deaths.

“We just want to see justice brought to the guilty few who halted the restaurant’s flow of business on the busiest second shift of the week,” said Officer Hendenson. “We deeply regret that these reckless, dying persons saw it fit to lay in the doorway and die while hundreds of hungry patrons impatiently waited outside.”

“All they wanted to do was give McDonald’s money.”
State-appointed attorney for McDonald’s victims

Hendenson indicated that since the perpetrators in the slayings are now dead, claims may have to be filed against their families.

McDonald’s lawyers were not immediately available for comment, but experts say the company stands to gain roughly $6.7 billion paid in reparations by the survivors.

The coke-addled state-appointed attorney defending the dead victims of what the media is calling the “Fries Eleven” tragedy released a troubling statement to reporters earlier this afternoon. It reads:

Now take one minute, if you will, a moment of silence; a moment of prayer; for the friends and family members of the employees and manager on duty. Let’s pray that they get their shit together, and are not too freaked out by all those customers dying.FRIES-ELEVEN

We need them to pull it together for the big win on Saturday, when returning patrons, newly-addicted to the McGrease, return in droves among fresh customers to create what is expected to be the most powerful surge of fast food patronage the United States has seen since the toxic release of the formidable Happy Meal in the early 1980s.

“When the Happy Meal came out, there were slayings. Savage, shameful mutilations of human beings the likes of which the Manson Family could never have dreamed of,” said Officer Hendinson, gleefully.

“We’re hoping we won’t have to release the hounds, but we have entire squads of men stationed in and around every McDonald’s between here and Henrico County. They are armed with mace, riot batons, rape-sticks, and caustic battery acid rounds. They’re non-lethal, of course. We have everything under control.”

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General Tso's Chicken 13% Lead


General Tso’s chicken is a staple of American Chinese take-out restaurants, familiar to millions of fatasses. Starting at the turn of the 20th century, early Chinese restaurants began to sprout up all over America, fueled by the popularity of General Tso’s chicken. Chinese establishments have long been known to spike their food with inordinate amounts of MSG, a practice that increases business at the expense of public health.
Recent scientific findings by trusted Elf Wax scientists have revealed a dangerously high lead content in many Chinese restaurants. Due to the use of lead paint in take-out menus, food coloring, and dish soap, some restaurants have served Elf Wax scientists with General Tso’s Chicken contaminated with fatal doses of lead. The amount of lead ranged as high as 13% leading a few racist republicans to theorize the Chinese government is attempting to poison America.
Beijing has refused to comment on the actions of “American Citizens” who are in no way influenced by the Chinese government. Several restaurant owners were asked to comment, but none could do so in fluent English. Beijing did state that “the Chinese paint industry does not rely on lead,” but several lead mines have been located by our journalists through Google Earth. While China denies that they have the ability to purify Lead into food-grade dyes, the purchase of 17 centrifuges from Iran has prompted an international uproar. Our experts advise that if you suspect your food of being overly dense or sporting a suspicious metallic sheen, that you should avoid eating a full serving. “You can’t be too cautious when it comes to lead in your food” -Dr Angstrom H. Troubador