Comcast deploys military police to Ferguson, MO

The Comcast customer service agency Xfinity Force Alpha executes orders to "kill on sight" any civilian who resists their fastest in-home WiFi limited time deal.

“The free market has a solution for Ferguson.” . . .

Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Indignant Nike laborers selfishly demanded $88 monthly wage, like it even costs that much to live on a pile of dirt. The police had an answer for that. . . .

NYPD Officer Signs Lucrative Pepper Spray Endorsement Contract

Protesters – Gotta mace ‘em all! . . .

Local Man Issued Citation For Driving Correctly Near Children

A local pig brings home the bacon at the expense of decency, human evolution, and his own reputation. . . .

Protesters gear up to repress rowdy G-20 police

Protesters gather in Toronto to reign in unruly police officers. They fight authority by getting punched in the face, arrested, and gassed, just by standing there. . . .

Larry And His Flask

The Elf Wax Times got fucking wasted and saw a great show, vomited in an alleyway, then drove home to tell you about it. . . .

The Elf Wax Times is brought to you by…

This is the closest thing you’re ever going to get to a commercial on The Elf Wax Times. Fuck advertising, fuck the media, and fuck your blind faith in the government. . . .

Illegal Monopoly strategy results in Michigan arrest

A stunning Monopoly play resulted in an arrest Thursday as a 54-year-old man robbed another player in-game. . . .

CIGARETTE ASH FOUND IN LOCAL DUDE’S BEER

RICHMOND, VA– A local dude became noticeably disgusted after taking a sip of beer that had been used as an ashtray. The Elf Wax Times has just received new footage of the incident. In the video, a young man can be seen displaying caveman-like characteristics before consuming a Pabst Blue Ribbon. After a rather . . .