Pope Francis to star in new A&E reality TV show "Pope Primacy"

Move over Duck Dynasty! And let Pope Primacy take over. In what is being called a “masterful PR campaign,” a new reality TV show, scheduled for MSNBC’s Fall lineup, will spread the message of Pope Francis and help Catholics cope with increased levels of cognitive dissonance beyond what religious people normally feel.

To anyone over 30, recent changes to the Vatican’s public image might be disorienting, even confusing, the Vatican said over Christmas — but Catholics worldwide can rest assured it has nothing at all to do with whitewashing a century of child rape or actually returning to the teachings of Communist Jesus and his crazy ideals (the church has sold him out more than enough).

“He’s a Jesuit,” bloggers say. “They do crazy things like publicly disavowing wealth.”

Catholicism enthusiasts have come forward with original, anonymous, leaked source material to suggest Pope Francis learned to embrace his growing public image.

The "Fresh Pope of Bel-Air" smokes a doobie with adoring fans.
The “Fresh Pope of Bel-Air” smokes a doobie with adoring fans.

“[The Pope]’s been working out, yeah. He’s changing his image. He not only started a beard [which photos indicate is in fact true], but — and I know you’re not gonna believe this — but, he went out and he got himself a tattoo.”

Written in Olde English calligraphy arching over a holy cross, the tattoo reads, “Thou Shalt Not.”

As excitement for the show “Pope Primacy” winds up, Pope Francis’ producers have begun pushing him to do “weirder and weirder stuff.”

Archbishop Chile Pedley said he is “frankly, very uncomfortable” with what the show creators want Francis to do, but said he’s satisfied with the results.

“They kept asking him to do weirder and weirder stuff,” Pedley said. “First they had him wash a prisoner’s feet, this young offender. I mean, that’s one thing. But recently for the show, they had him hug a severely disfigured man, and I just thought, ‘You guys have gone too far,’ but no — the people loved it. They fucking eat that shit up, apparently.”

Legendary Hollywood producer Phil Spector was overheard saying, “You’re gonna have to do some miracles, here, Francis,” while talking to Francis about the next round of eliminations. “Get on the healin’ train,” he said. “…could be Sainthood for ya, huge ratings… could be Redemption Island. We’ll see how people react to the fact you drive yourself to work.”

Leaked studio footage shows Archbishop Pedley again speaking directly into the camera, telling people he knows of “a guy with a garage full of stuff that the new Pope is gonna love.” Pedley said, “He’s got relics — idols from papal past.”

Thou Shalt Not.

Blogs and YouTube reviewers familiar with reality TV have already come forward to voice concerns they say are rooted in another oversized-cross-wearing icon. Xxfuckedup-247xX said “It’s only a matter of time before we start to recognize the Pope as an empty husk of his former self, who ambles around the house – rambling incoherently – but wisely.”

Snowden Granted Sainthood

Asylum in the Vatican!

Edward SnowdenPope Francis not only offered Asylum to the renegade NSA staffer and media villain, Edward Snowden, but has granted the man Sainthood in a controversial decision that has the highest priests in Rome praying for simple answers.

“What Snowden did for the suffering masses,” said the Pope, “is something we should expect not from worldly saints such as Kateri Tekakwitha or our hero Edward Snowden – but from ourselves. All people should be attuned to be atoned, to our suffering flock. We are all Edward Snowden. We all have the capacity to be saints.”

Hardline Vatican conservatives blasted the Pope for what is being called “reckless saint honor” in the church.

The Pope offers asylum to Snowden as a gesture of peace to South American Catholics who suffered at the hands of American CIA operations to remove democratically elected officials by assassination and replace them with fundamentalist dictators, turning the entire continent into a Third World Plantation.

“The next thing you know,” said opponent Benito Del Mussili, “We’ll grant sainthood to Barack Obama, or a Kardashian. When will this reckless saint honor before the media finally stop?”

Some priests have reportedly blessed their computers and handheld mobile devices.

Although the Guardian today released a newly-edited version of Glenn Greenwald’s interview with Snowden, there is still no official word from Snowden as to whether he will accept either Sainthood, asylum in Vatican City, neither, or both.

Area man loses mind

The gubment took my pension, and other short stories

Has the gubment taken your pension? Is the man keeping you down? Look no further than the government to get you back on your feet.

Yes sir, there’s nothing like a quick pick-me-up from Uncle Sam for when the government gets you down.

Are you stuck in the same old routine of DUI charges and riding your bicycle through the ghetto? Say goodbye to your sore, sweaty ass that gets oh-so-tender from that unloving bike seat, and say hello to driving without a license!

Your rebellion will not go unnoticed. When the poe leece attempt to pull you over, you’ll be ready with a big middle-finger displayed prominently through your driver’s side window as you fail to submit to the unyielding authority of “the law.” [more like the “hell naw” am I right?]

They will be dumbfounded by your brazen display of courage under fire – literally – when your own determination shields you from the resulting hail of gunfire. Like Superman in the intro to that show that wasn’t titled “Superman” for whatever fucking reason, you will stand tall, deflecting their ammunition and teargas bombs defiantly, proudly, staring off over the horizon, like Barack Obama would do, as you wonder whether you’ll eat burgers or steaks for dinner tonight.

Yes, you too can live above the law without bearing the inconvenience of living “below radar” using a proper sense of self-entitlement and belligerence, adding just a pinch of tenacity punctuated by your complete ignorance.

“Land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy.”

Fuck the police!

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This has been a message from your local Roanoke County Law Overenforcement Agency. Stay in school. Or drop out. We make money off you either way.

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Now back to your regularly scheduled Elf Wax Update:

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I can hear ’em talking to me. I swear to God that motherfucking satellite dish won’t quieten down.

They’re sending orders for Lee Iacocca. Tony Danza. Doctor Zhivago. It’s an uprising. Lee Iacocca, to save GM from a second bankruptcy, is redesigning Hitler’s limousine, adding soundproof windows and updating it with modern XM Satellite Radio. “SIRIUS is optional for you Howard Stern fans.”

Danza will drive, and the Doc – well, the Doc is there in case things get too Harry. You see, we’re headin’ up to Washington tonight to let Viceroy Hussein know the score, that WE know the score that WE know what is really happening behind those closed doors. God damn it, the’Merican people got a right to know, and we ain’t gonna let no motherfuckers stand in our way of that right. We didn’t let the Koreans. We didn’t let the Japs. And we sure as hell ain’t gonna let ourselves.

If anybody’s gonna stand in the way of liberties, it’s gonna be me and Jesus, God willing. God fuckin’ willing.

How many Hail Mary’s is that? I’ll do four.

We ain’t gonna let ’em take away our American Dream from us, ain’t no way no fuckin’ how motherfucker. That’s why we’re comin’. Rollin’ three deep with Doctor Zhivago in that bullet proof Hitler-mobile, man the fuckin’ Pope hail Mary ain’t got shit on this shit. That Pope mobile’s a fuckin’ joke right now, but Osama Hussein Bomberman’s gonna wish he had the Popemobile when we roll up on that shit with Hitler’s limo, baby!

What do we know that needs to be put out in the open? Well, if we fucking knew it, we wouldn’t be so hard-up wanting the government to disclose what it knows about aliens, then would we? Use your fuckin’ heads man. That’s all I’m sayin’.

Free energy, crop circles, god damn interstellar dimensional hyperdrives of UNKNOWN FUCKIN PROPORTIONS gateways to heaven and hell, Christ almighty are you fucking blind. The corporations, man. GM, Hybrid vehicles, all that’s bullshit. We invented free fuckin energy decades ago but those shit-for-brains motherfuckers in the oil industry – bought ’em up – shelved it – and keep chokin’ our dicks for every last cent. I’m pissin’ pennies, now baby, we can’t even GAS UP THAT FUCKIN HITLER MOBILE with premium, we’re putting unleaded 87 in her and hoping the piece of shit don’t crap out halfway to Memphis. Fuckin’ Germans had it right, SIEG HEIL means build my motherfuckin’ POPEMOBILE TO IACOCCAN STANDARDS.

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Elf Wax Update:

This is part seven of a five-part series on insanity, brought to you by the homeless guy you ignore each day on your walk home from work.

MASS MIND-RAPE BROUGHT TO YOU BY LEBAL DROCER

Cuthbert, Ga.–A local clergyman molested three boys in the course of one morning shift in the confessional box. On this subject, Pope Benedict XVI spoke publicly, however bluntly, when he told the press, “Join us or die.” The spiritual leader then claimed to be pure energy, and compared himself to “the malevolent moon” whose gravity controls the soul-washing high tides of the Dark Side. More as this familiar saga unfolds.

Pope Benedict XVI, seen here coaxing
young Skywalker into the Dark Side

In other news, your friendly neighborhood truth outlet, The Elf Wax Times, has once again raised the bar on excellence in journalism. Elf Wax Laboratories, in conjunction with Big Brother, have staged a three-front media gang-bang in the form of interactive chat rooms and forums that can now be found right here on the very page you’re happily absorbing.
Possible uses for these chatrooms are:
  1. Community organizing (just like Barack Obama!)
  2. Internet predation
  3. Learning
  4. Discussion of current events
  5. Discussion of painful past events
  6. Discussion of events that will likely never happen but are still theoretically probable
  7. Discussion of conspiracies as though they are fact, and/or happening right now
  8. Cyber (for best results, use 15/f/ca)
Join your Elf Wax Staff for extended discussion around subjects that you think, or pretend to think, matter most at Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC). It’s what the president would do if he no longer had full administrative access to the United States’ confiscated drug supply.

End of the World Draws Near

In the aftermath of the scientific discovery that there is no god and that all is merely as Science explains, Pope Benedict has abdicated his position and liquidated all church assets and given them to the poor. Poverty in Europe has been ended. The middle-east has exploded into a non-stop frenzy of orgies and crime when it was found out that everyone was praying towards an empty and meaningless box. The situation in Asia, outside of Islamic areas has been described as “totally indifferent” because the godless Chinese are unaffected. Buddhists also maintain that their way of life has been unaffected by news that there is no god. America has entered a brutal civil war, and great tragedy has ensued. Salt Lake city is now a glass lake, and while the reasons why the Mormons nuked themselves are fully unclear, it is most likely intentional suicide, as their entire reason for living was removed over night. There are rumors of mutant Mormons roaming the Great plains apparently in search of flesh, the only survivors of the self-nuking of Utah. Their immeasurable appetite for flesh is only surpassed by the agony of surviving suicide. Truly these horrible monsters will wreak havoc whenever they reach civilized areas. Most Protestant Christians, however, refuse to believe in evidence or proof that goes against their faith, because it is a part of God’s plan. Five separate people have claimed to be the second-coming of Jesus Christ, and thousands have decided that they are in fact the Anti-Christ. Virtually every school in the nation has been shut down because of wannabe Anti-Christs going on rampages. Currently Pat Robertson’s Paramilitary Christian Warriors whom he funded through the 700 Club are in control of the nation’s Capital. More on this breaking story as it develops.