As Vice President Joe Biden watches his political career slip the way of former VP Dick Cheney, he said he is prepared to do “anything” to shock the public into voting for him.
“It’s always Barry, Barry, Barry,” a lizard-like Biden told the packed West Wing of the White House on Monday. “I exist, too, damn it. I may not have the authority to launch a drone strike against innocent targets, but I’m just about ready to shoot a man in the face.”
The distressed Biden referred to Cheney’s 2007 hunting accident, in which the former vice president shot a man in the face, sending a powerful warning to Iran.
Biden said the trouble in which his frisky hands have landed him is tarnishing his golden aura, the winds of his otherwise predetermined 2016 presidency.
“So I touched them girls,” Biden said. “It’s not like I raped them, on camera, and distributed the video through the military TOR program. Stay tuned for that.”
Biden said since the death of Margaret Thatcher, he is having trouble finding a distributor for his illegal pornographic materials, and is currently exploring the self publishing world of TOR.
GALLERY – NONNUDE BIDEN SEX GALLERY PREVIEW
‘Woman 3’ tries to fight off her attacker, Joe Biden, in this disturbing 2014 photograph.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Hillary Clinton has been a busy woman since exiting public office. She can be found, these days, shuttling around the country in limousines and Learjets on a promotional tour for her new magnum opus, Hard Choices. The book chronicles her time served as Secretary of State under Ayatollah B. Hussein Obama’s glorious administration.
Released to rave reviews, the book has been called “a modern-day woman’s meditation on Freedom, reminiscent of Rand, Woolf, and Morrison,” by the Wall Street Journal.
Noted feminist Judith Miller, the woman whose broad shoulders bear the brunt of the blame for the liberation of Iraq, wrote in an Op-Ed for the New York Times, “Mrs. Clinton weaves a narrative so imagined, so inspired, you would think she is making it up!”
However, the book is not without its detractors.
Dr. Angstrom H. Treub’adore, the Internet Chronicle’s resident Cisgender Theorist, said in an interview today from his Paris apartment, “The only Hard Choice the former secretary faced while serving was whether to shoot, shock, hang or bang, preferably with an exceptionally dirty hypodermic needle, the ‘whistle-blower’, more like ‘wiener-blower’, Chelsea Manning for his crimes against the Gov, aided by the conard, the file de pute, the noted surprise sex enthusiast, Yulian Mossad,” referring to the Wikileaks scandal that erupted during Clinton’s tenure as secretary. Just one of the multitude of Hard Choices described in the book.
But Mrs. Clinton has found favor within the artistic community, which has embraced her latest collection of stories.
Katy Perry, the eleven-time Grammy nominee songstress responsible for such national anthems as: “Waking Up in Vegas”, “Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)”, “Ur So Gay”, and “By The Grace of God”, tweeted at the potential 2016 Democratic nominee that she is ready to shed the last trace of whatever artistic integrity may still reside within her. The pop singer suggested that “she would write [Clinton’s] theme song.”
The two were seen exiting a Brooklyn recording studio late Monday night with producer Puff Daddy and former Attorney General Janet Reno, who is rumored to have a featured verse on the song, tentatively titled “Hard Choicez (Ode to Elian)”.
Clinton’s ascension to the Presidency seems all but uncertain. She is treading an unprecedented path, paved with the ignored plea’s of the poor and lined with the Hard Choices of which lobbying agencies to publicly allow into her pocket book, and which to keep private.
With her book tour, an arousing success, and the media’s resistance to meaningful questions about her past, the only choice left for Mrs. Clinton to make—perhaps the Hardest Choice of all the Hard Choices she has had to make—is when to actually announce her intention to run for president of our permanent dynasty. God bless this neoliberal paradise, the greatest God damn nation on Earth, The United States of America.
WASHINGTON— In a move that is sure to stir up controversy among his supporters, President Barack Obama announced late Friday afternoon the first of his choices for the 2014 Presidential Medal of Freedom: Tony Hayward, the former chief executive of oil and energy company British Petroleum (BP).
Speaking from the Rose Garden, President Obama said, “Mr. Hayward was a critical, if not the critical component to the quick containment of public opinion of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill.”
When questioned about the sustained effects of the spill, Obama said, “Look, it’s like Tony says: in relation to the size of the ocean, the spill was relatively tiny.” Mr. Obama then added, with a wink towards the first lady, “What’s good for the goose, is great for the gander—am I right?”
Dr. Angstrom Troubadour, chief researcher at Lebal Drocer Laboratories, added, “It ain’t the size of the spill that matters. It’s the motion of the ocean.”
Mr. Hayward left his position as CEO of BP in October 2010. Although there were rumors that his resignation was due to cowardice, or “mishandling” of the oil spill, a BP press release stated that he left with the full confidence and satisfaction of the board of directors. An internal review, which was later declassified, called Hayward’s actions “heroic,” and a “patriotic.”
“After rigorous examination and careful delusion, we have determined T. Hayward’s bravery in the face of public outcry to be not only heroic, but god damn patriotic.”
BP Internal Affairs
Speaking to a White House insider on the condition of anonymity, this reporter can confirm that preparations are already under way for the ceremony, a lavish party to be held at the White House later this year. The ceremony will have a “Gulf Flavor” and “represent the biodiversity of the Gulf that BP had a large role in preserving.” Menu items being considered are: Catfish tartare, Gull kabobs, chocolate covered turtles, and a Pelican spiced ale – all of them sautéed in “a certain oil.”
The first lady is reported to be heavily involved in the planning and overall décor of the event. She wants to emphasize the local flora reminiscent of the darkest days of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. When questioned what exactly this might mean, the insider only said, “It means what you think. Brown. The ceremony is going to be brown.”
The Obamas are intent to play authentic New Orleans music during Mr. Wayward’s ceremony. Ms. Bovina Margot, a White House attaché dispatched to the Gulf to find suitable musicians, said, “They want traditional New Orleans music. They want to give regular, working musicians from the Bayou a chance to come up to Washington.” So far offers to perform have been extended to New Orleans based artists Juvenile, Mannie Fresh, Master P, and a rapper named Skull Duggery.
This decision falls on the nearly four year anniversary of the BP oil spill and on the evening of the State Department’s report to OK the controversial Keystone XL pipeline, a 1700 mile pipeline running from Alberta, Canada to the Gulf Coast in Texas.
SOUTHAMPTON, N.Y. — North Americans are glued to their TV sets as they watch two powerful storm systems converge, in real time, over a large portion of the Eastern Seaboard known to be inhabited by white people.
Weather.com’s Shep Shepard reported live from the beachfront where water and foam sprayed up onto the boardwalk. “We’ve never seen anything like it, John. Never before have Americans witnessed a storm so potentially threatening to the security of middle-class whites.”
Water and power outages could mean days or even a week without access to Reddit, except on a smartphone, which Southern Manhattan and Park Slope residents complain is inconvenient.
“It’s downright patronizing,” said New Jersey man Ryan Johnson. “I refuse to zoom in on every comment.”
Area whites complain that without access to water, they could be forced to go days without showering. Brooklyn resident Sherry Melville said the storm couldn’t have come at a worse time. “When sitting alone in a dark house, we need to feel clean all the time. I just feel so, y’know, ugh! I’m going to take a long bath soon, just in case.”
President Barack Obama showed leadership Sunday when he used a string of official-sounding words on the radio, putting his white constituency at ease and ensuring the FEMA vote. Area whites were ordered to evacuate or else stay indoors. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney spoke to reporters Monday and said, “As if they were planning on going outside, the president has asked New York and New Jersey residents to remain indoors. We ask that you refresh his Twitter feed for instant updates on what he is doing for you.”
It is unclear what trajectories Hurricane Sandy and the cold front moving in from the west may take, but authorities have already come forward and promised to renovate many parts of Northern Virginia, even those areas untouched by Hurricane Sandy to be sure Macy’s and Best Buys in the area go unaffected in preparation for Black Friday.
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DENVER, COLO. — Americans were excited today about reports deep within the bowels of the Romney campaign that the former Massachusetts governor is ready to go after President Obama’s use of marawana and cocaine as a teenager.
“I mean, this is a guy who admitted to cocaine use,” says a Romney adviser to Buzzfeed, “had a sweetheart deal with his house in Chicago, and was associated and worked with Rod Blagojevich to get Valerie Jarrett appointed to the Senate,” adding, “The bottom line is there’ll be counterattacks.”
President Obama has made a point of discussing his own history of using cocaine, which he refers to by its crass street name of “blow;” as well as his inhaling the vapours of the ever-popular devil weed itself. His popular autobiography, “The Audacity of Hope,” whose sales are his primary source of income — second only to “cash money” reportedly obtained selling automatic firearms to Mexican drug cartels — is a book basically about how the 44th president of the United States loved using drugs. President Obama has met desperate, repeated online pleas he legalize recreational cannabis use with guffaws and denials that he would act to liberate from a kyriarchy the American people, now arbitrarily incarcerated at rates unrivaled in the developed world.
Despite many reports, including out of Forbes magazine, that Portugal’s drug legalization policy has decimated that country’s drug abuse, Gil Kerlikowski, head of the Office of National Drug Control Policy, has stated that legalization does not combat the ills of illicit drug use. And last month, before Congress, the head of the Drug Enforcement Agency, Michele Leonhart, reiterated her administration’s commitment to utter hysteria and lack of focus on a public health crisis.
Before finally admitting, after much pressure, that heroin was more addictive than cannabis, Ms. Leonhart first characterized the matter of whether heroin is worse for an individual’s health than cannabis as “subjective.” This admission followed deliberately dishonest exchanges with Democratic Representative Jared Polis of Colorado:
REPRESENTATIVE JARED POLIS (D-CO): Is crack [a street name for free-based cocaine – ed] worse for a person than marijuana?
MICHELE LEONHART: I believe all illegal drugs are bad.
REP. POLIS: Is methamphetamine worse for somebody’s health than marijuana?
MS. LEONHART: I don’t think any illegal drug is good for —
REP. POLIS: Is heroin worse for someone’s health than marijuana?
MS. LEONHART: Again, all [sic] the drugs, they are illegal.
The administration’s enforcement strategies square well with the Romney campaign’s assessment of the president pro-drug attitudes, the unmistakable products of hedonistic, if-it-feels-good-do-it ’60s culture. Meanwhile the deputy director of NORML, a shady druggie front group, longs for the good old days under President George Bush when Californian sludge distributors operating under the guise of “medical clinics” “helping people in pain” could operate with relative impunity, writing this week, “Many of California’s most prominent and well-respected medical cannabis dispensaries and related facilities — including Oaksterdam University, Berkeley Patients Group, and Harborside Health Center (HHC) — flourished under the George W. Bush administration. But they’ll be lucky to survive President Barack Obama’s first term.”
Medical health professionals consulted off-the-record by The Internet Chronicle speculate that President Obama’s laser obsession with his administration’s present drug enforcement strategies is likely the result of the delusion and vigor associated, they say, “unmistakably” with cocaine psychosis.
After bragging to high school students in December of 2007 about how cool drugs are, then Senator Obama became the focus of the popular prohibitionist scrutiny. Obama’s candor with students came on the heels of the leak of an audiotape of President George W. Bush citing a responsibility to America’s youth to prevaricate about his own drug use — not to protect his own career, of course, but to shield them from the enormous influence the president of the United States has had on American teenagers since the Founding Fathers.
Years ago the Romney campaign pounced on the opportunity to praise President Bush’s bold, private confession to smoking weed. Mr. Romney said then, “He said when he was young and irresponsible, he was young and irresponsible, and he left it at that. And I think that in order to leave the best possible example for our kids, we’re probably wisest not to talk about our own indiscretions in great detail.”
Mr. Romney’s strategy is “simple yet elegant,” says Political Science Professor Alan Abramowitz of Emory University, adding, “It allows the candidate to bask in the veneer of family values while remaining duplicitous about that bottle of Coca-Cola he is rumored to have enjoyed, covertly, while on missionary work in France on behalf of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.”
Late Thursday, Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church had his eyes clawed out by Michele Bachmann. Plans for his funeral have been made, but talk of protests are already spreading. As the man who pioneered funeral protest as a form of free speech, much celebration is expected. Veteran’s advocacy groups have already begun organizing a demonstration for Fred Phelps’ funeral.
“I plan on grilling up some steaks, drinking a few beers, waving some hateful signs, and just generally having a good time at this funeral,” commented one veteran, as he waved his bus ticket at our reporters. “I’ve been ready for this shit for years!”
Bachmann’s lawyers have stated the deadly conflict started as a simple biblical dispute. Phelps believed that God hates all fags unconditionally, whereas Bachmann pushed the idea that God only despised fags who haven’t sought forgiveness for their faggotry. What seemed to onlookers as a bitter sexual assault from Bachmann quickly turned deadly for Phelps.
Fred Phelps’ daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, has moved forward plans to protest the protest of her father’s funeral, stating “I should have seen this faggotry coming. Typical faggot move. By the way, Anonymous is a bunch of faggots.” Anonymous was reached, and not a single fuck was given.
Our prophets have reached God Almighty, on high, as he watches these events from outside of time and space. Although his grace is impossible to translate into our infinitely inexpressive language, our prophets have made their best attempt.
“I’m glad Bachmann tore that old man’s eyes out, but he was right about one thing. I hate faggotry. Bachmann and Phelps are both faggots. America’s forgotten what I did to Sodom and Gomorrah. The bible was mostly made up by a bunch of faggots who I hate, and if it’s interpreted as anything but a hateful document, it leads to this kind of bullshit. I am God and I hate faggots like Fred Phelps.”
This is just a friendly reminder that if United States President Barack Hussein Obama happens to be reelected, this is why.
Osama bin Laden died as a martyr, but not his way. Bin Laden died at the hands of Seal Team Six in the name of everything he ever hated. Incidentally, he died to propagate that which Americans also hate.