The film you are about to see may shock and disturb you, especially as a DPRK national living on US soil (God help you).
It is the sad duty of [ALL SOVCHRON EDITORIAL STAFF] to fulfill the wishes of Our Dear Leader who shares the opinion that there is simply no other alternative than to illuminate the hidden perils of the Western Imperialists and their pernicious threat to our glorious nation.
You may feel compelled to look away during certain moments, but for the Glory of God do not avert your eyes!
These revelations are the direct result of the miraculous visions of Our Eternal President who, in his eternal wisdom, commissioned intellectual observers [spy nationals] to Seoul for evidence collection of this threat against the DPRK and innocent citizens worldwide.
Washington, D.C.–Anonymous Internet users discovered Thursday that the United States Government plays a major role in the day-to-day operations of the most popular Internet news source used by internet activists, or “hacktivists.”
Anonnews.org claims to serve decentralized hacker group Anonymous as its central source of information, including targets and Anonymous press releases, which anyone can submit.
A number of Internet users frequenting both the chronicle.SU and anonnews.org websites discovered that the website selectively runs articles that only fall in line with the agenda of the U.S. Government, and brought this to the attention of chronicle.SU senior executives.
[Editor's note: Due to the close-hitting nature of this piece,
subjective articles such as "we," "us" and "I" will be found
in the following paragraphs.]
As perhaps only a handful of our readers know, anonnews.org, whose slogan is Everything Anonymous, actively deletes any and all content submissions originating from chronicle.SU. We have fought this for a long time, out of fairness to Anonymous and outside objectors, but we too have come to realize anonnews.org is either owned by, or in collusion with, various government agencies.
This clampdown on information is akin to what many of us learn in college courses, or from history itself, to expect from oppressive regimes, and compares in no small way to the aggressive reaction from the USG when news hit of daily-leaking diplomatic cables.
It is worth noting that anonnews.org no longer accepts press releases relating to Wikileaks.
Anonymous purports to expose and crush oppressive regimes, and even went on the record with Al Jazeera Saturday morning to take credit for the unprecedented attacks on websites owned by Mastercard, PayPal, Amazon, and outside governments. Anonymous’ spokesperson, which could literally be anyone in the world, compared their actions with those of protesters in the streets of Tunisia, Libya and Egypt.
Anonymous [is] by far the most aesthetically-pleasing instrument of sociopolitical subversion ever employed by the United States Government.
Anonnews.org lets certain past inflammatory posts slide, including a couple from chronicle.SU, to present an image of “anything goes,” while moderators for the site now allow only positive stories to run that portray Anonymous as the “Great Equalizer” (or “white knight”) of the Internet. The anonymous person speaking to Al Jazeera compared the Anonymous hacker group to Libyan rebels in the street currently taking mortar fire. Anonnews.org now plays up this footage, making Anonymous by far the most aesthetically-pleasing instrument of sociopolitical subversion ever employed by the United States Government.
But from a perspective of objective critical analysis, Anonymous looks unfortunately stupid. This is because the USG knows better than to let them run totally wild, making too much change too fast – or worse yet, making their own changes. So the powers that be hired online personalities to infiltrate IRC discussions and /i/nvasion channels in order to redirect the hacktivist userbase toward what are better known in war terms as “soft targets.” NYPA, or ‘not your personal army’ just took on a whole new meaning.
When Anonymous attacked Westboro Baptist Church, they didn’t attack the Westboro Baptist mentality of hate. They attacked their website. Just like Anonymous didn’t really protest in the streets with Egyptians for freedom. They attacked Libya’s website, and Egypt’s website (even though for a period of time Egypt had no Internet.) This is tantamount to when Jon Stewart appeared on Hannity & Colmes (FOX News). He didn’t cripple their agenda; he attacked their image. Even though he appeared to “pwn” them on live TV, it proved to be a giant ratings circlejerk for everyone, where voter ideology cowered slimy in the middle of an entertainment-value bukkake. When I watched Anonymous take down WBC’s website from my toilet, I noticed it was just a PR game, as I suspected all along, and that Anonymous is just as likely to do something stupid as it is to do something meaningful.
‘But who benefits from this PR?’ I thought.
During that poop is when I realized Anonymous, in its current form, will never do anything meaningful, such as the Paypal/Amazon attacks, again – or at least, not while anonnews.org is recognized collectively as an unbiased, trustworthy portal for equal access to information. Anonnews, like FOX News, pushes a narrative in which there is no place for the voice of reason or questioning. We have fought Anonnews.org in the past, for selectively censoring submissions, and only obtained temporary, diplomatic posting privileges following huge public outcry. When that outcry died back down, so did our posting privileges. They don’t want you reading dissent, because anonnews.org is controlled by the U.S. Government, who censors dissent, tortures its own citizens, and sends Anons to waste their time, energy, and image on “targets” like WBC and Glenn Beck (thereby legitimizing the voices of both). Who “spreads democracy” abroad, and destroys it at home.
It is my belief and that of the chronicle.SU, attacking Amazon.com in the name of Wikileaks is beautiful and righteous on all counts. Paypal deserved it too, and even reinstated PFC Bradley Manning’s support group – a move clearly designed to cover their sorry asses by saying it was a glitch, or somebody sat on the remote control, or some bullshit like that. Paypal still deserves it. They’re scum. Anonnews.org would hate them more if they knew they were Jewish, because like WBC, they hate fags and jews, but I doubt they’ll read this or inform themselves otherwise.
Wikileaks’ behavior constitutes the backbone of actual journalism, and is not illegal in a free and democratic society. Right now the only thing preventing humanity as we know it from being subject to totalitarian world government is investigative journalism, which Paypal went out of their way to prove they hate; as did Amazon. Internet users all across the world recognized evil at work and carved out a warpath alongside Anonymous that even chronicle.SU cut into. But no more quickly did Anonymous cast its hat into the political arena did government agencies drop hired geeks into the flock to take control of what they could and report back what they could not.
This was a real job position within the USG until Tyler Bass reported its existence last week. It was called “undercover online personality,” and the description explicitly stated the applicant’s duties include infiltration of online political groups for the purposes of spying and manipulation. It was removed for one of two reasons: either because the position was filled, or because exposure caused officials to decide not to publicly advertise a legion of hired spies. Attacks against anti-freedom-of-speech targets ceased as immediately as they had begun, and when anonops came “back online,” the IRC stunk like government spooks.
When the USG saw the power of the hivemind at work, they knew instantly to harness it as best they could and make it their own. The right thing can be done for the wrong reasons, and the wrong thing done for the right reasons – any combination of which are taking place as I type this, and all of which are allowed to happen because anonnews.org is influenced and operated by the actions and interests of police state sympathizers and employees hired by the United States Government.
If knowledge is power, take it back. Inform yourself.
Now that the “War on Terror” has been declared officially over, President Hussein Obama has declared war on the Third World, which in fact has been going on since Vietnam. His policy of honesty has been met with complete apathy. America and its satellite nations are engaged in a campaign to eradicate any progress in developing countries which may threaten future corporate profit. Vietnamese, Iraqis, and Afghanis have learned how powerless they are as they drink Coca Cola in lieu of a clean water supply.
In America, things are very quiet. Airplanes are loaded with Prozac and leave aerosol trails of obedience and submissive behavior in a perfect grid over the nation. The only people who seem to be capable of any type of outrage are only expressing it towards the most trivial changes in their lives. So-called “Tea Parties,” have shifted most of their vitriolic hate-protest towards the new Facebook layout.
Sarah Palin has gripped the reins of this hateful group and begun steering it towards her own agenda. Palin’s pseudo-revolutionary rhetoric has been ramped up tenfold by her newly discovered technique of writing and reading from her hand. Palin’s bestselling memoir Going Rogue: An American Life is now on sale at Wal Mart for a suspiciously low price. Originally “My Struggle: An American Life,” the title was changed by the publisher at the last-minute for an undisclosed reason.
In Italy, America has bastardized traditional Italian ingredients to form a “partially edible” new sandwich cleverly named the McItaly. This sandwich is obviously a collusion between McDonald’s and the highest levels of Italian government. Elf Wax sources have revealed McDonald’s plans for the McHaiti-a sandwich made entirely with misappropriated food relief. McHaitis will be distributed to crowds of hungry people with compressed air guns by employees dressed as Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and other beloved McDonald’s friends.
Oh hi! Didn’t see you there. It’s difficult to see anything beyond The Elf Wax Times’ blinding white flurry ofsuccess, but we’ve got a finger on the pulse, and we hear you asking yourselves:
How can I get more people to read my [worthless] blog?
It’s a two-step process.
Don’t be such a fucking douchebag. Seriously.
And don’t start a blog.
A long time ago, I was sitting online, my ass was numb, I was talking to my friend and I felt like I needed to break the uncomfortable silence, so I said “fuck people with blogs” to which my friend responded, “Nobody cares what they have to say.”
“Of course not,” I said. “That’s why they start blogs.”
And that’s the kind of fucking genius thought-dissemination that absorbs your blog’s readership before their sunken eyes even leave The Elf Wax Times: your puss-blog about how you don’t get any puss because you’re a giant, throbbing, cheese-flushing pussy is simply not entertaining, and everybody knows it already. Some blogs are so bad that it boosts our readership when people come here in need of healing.
Maybe it’s because you don’t have any insights beyond what simpletons uncover within an episode of Touched by an Angel.
Maybe you really don’t get any pussy and you try to post about it on the internet, but your half-assed approach to writing fails to capture even the wildest sexual imagination of, say, a pubescent child, who, possibly having never seen the internet before, couldn’t even pay twenty-five seconds of attention to your sex-laden drivel if it were printed off and handed to him to read as an alternative to restriction ad infinitum. In fact, for most folks, reading your blog is probably the equivalent to tasting some cold, stale piss.
But we’re talking about children here. All children are retarded, so they’re a bad example and I should not have used them; if for no other reason than people hate to be reminded of children. Check back next year for an apology.
Conversationally, The Elf Wax Times reporters, staff writers, editors, and our glorious masters are intellectually potent, and should we have a moment in our busy day of cooking up and serving the truth, we need to read thought-inspiring equivalencies of miniature Cat’s Cradles, should we get the chance to read anything at all (usually we have our assistants read to us as we masturbate to rare, uncensored Asian pornography).
So, to us, your Tucker Max attempt at a blog leaves a taste in the mouth of cold piss, too. That is to say, we see through your attempts to piss in our mouths from behind your dual-core PC and you fail to even keep it warm, much less hit your target, whatever that may be. Nobody knows what you’re trying to accomplish. You’re worthless and you suck.
Let’s briefly drop the pissing metaphor for a moment to talk more about why people hate blogs.
I hate blogs because they fail to properly inform. The Elf Wax Times takes an ambivalent stance on blogging, because it is not officially recognized as a medium of any form. A blog is simply something you accidentally click on Google because it contains the most keywords in the most relevant order contained in your search. Maybe you host a copyrighted picture nobody else has, and so people click it, save it, and never see your site again. In all likelihood, if you think people are visiting your blog because your “statistics say so,” look closer and you’ll see that accidental clicks account for at least 99% of your “readership,” and the only reason copyright lawyers have not yet contacted you is because no human is actually looking at your “site.” [Editor’s Note: blogs are not real websites.]
Nobody is looking at your perspective on the world. Nobody is sharing in your unique, subjective experience of reality in the abstract. Nobody is taking the journey as your narrative prose degrades into broken poetry with faulty rhyme scheme followed by ellipses and a question mark. Nobody feels the way you do, because your mechanism for emotion is so completely distorted that you actually believe people are reading your fucking blog. Normal people are not as self-important as blog “authors.” [Editor’s Note: blogs are not authored by anyone because authors write for a living, and bloggers do not.] Nobody will ever identify with a blogger.
Now, I know I’m just farting into the wind here, so we’re going to have to break it down another level.
You write a blog, you have one. You maintain one, as you put on your resumé or MySpace page. No cute girls are reading it. Maybe there are two people who make comments on your posts from time to time, under the unspoken arrangement that you reciprocate. One’s a fat chick, the other’s your online friend who once agreed over AIM that the government sucks. You put a lot of time into your CSS code, your margins are perfect, the padding fucking fits and you feel good because you’ve got shit all figured out, so this doesn’t apply to you – right? Oh boy. How glad I am not to be you. How thankful I am not to be so misled, so delusional, so willing to lie to myself as you; so wrong as youare.
I’m talking to you, blogger. Blogosphere. The bastion of truth–shit, I mean, self-importance. Your thoughts are impure, your opinions invalid, broadly unsubstantiated by anything other than your George W. Bush “gut feeling” fueled by the insights of Neil Cavuto, or name-a-CNN-pundit.com.
Your vision is filtered through orange glasses or red, depending on where we’re at on the Terror Alert scale. At best, you’re the unseen, unheard afterthought of a political mechanism – lost to all keepers of history but your own web browser. At worst, you serve the political machine as they reference your voice among millions in the blogosphere, speaking for you, making determinations about you, without reading you, or knowing you, or seeing you, or even consciously being aware that someone like you might actually exist.
And we here at The Elf Wax Times for once share their anti-sentiment. So without further ado, fuck you and your little blog, too.
Houston, Tx. – As Elf Wax’s newest writer, I’d like to thank you all for your great support getting me on the staff, thank you members of the Internet for voting for me.
I will not let you down!
So I’d like to start off by naming a few things I’m for, and a few things I’m against.
Things I am for:
Banning of the health care reform bill
Death panels, I hope, will still be on the table
World War II memorabilia
Waxing my car. It’s a restored Hudson!
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
Things I am against/hunting to kill:
Other inside traders
Bill Clinton going over to his friend Kim jong-Il’s house
People who are too anti-Communist
People who ain’t Americans
Foreigners, or just plain old outsiders that ain’t from here
the health care reform bill
Mostly I said people, but I wrote things. I do that sometimes, just like when I eat people but I mean to eat steak and cheese subway sandwiches.
I’m a professional dog-fighter by trade. I fights pit-bulls. Me and that famous football player roll together, whatever his name is.
Now, I intend to bring something new to the table, something Elf Wax hasn’t seen before – something fresh – something that should make viewing the E.W. Times from work even harder than it already is. What is that?
But before we get on with that, I think it’s time we brought it back. And I think it’s time you looked at a picture of a little girl and thought something negative for a change. So here you go:
Don’t worry, there’s more of this coming. Actually right now in a minute.
You think this shit is funny? What the hell is wrong with you? I mean really, why do you come here? Are you trying to tell me something? Look, just stop right there – hold your horses. I want feedback. Email me write now – [email protected] – we have giveaways, hourly, weekly, we are doing great things for you faithful readers out there because you’ve all been so good to us. We appreciate your phone calls, emails, e-cards, chain letters, spam – all of it.
Tell me what you’re doing here. Why are you here? Don’t have [email protected]? Just post a comment. I read them all. Over and over. It’s all I’ve got, really.
I want to live for it – I…want to live for you, the Elf Wax Timers out there. You’re truly the best audience we could ever ask for and you don’t even kill in our name. I’ve been a long-time contributor to Elf Wax for many many years but this is the first time they’ve ever come and asked me to write anything for you, so there you go. I’m going to be here for a while, now. But don’t get used to me! The Italians may come and take me away at just about any moment. I’m a dangerous criminal wanted abroad for unspeakable crimes against humanity. Thank God for The Elf Wax Times standing up for the First Amendment by allowing to me write behind total anonymity!
I’d like to leave you with a little song. Look this up on bit torrents:
Prussian Blue – The Snow Fell
Elf Wax does not claim any responsibility for respect lost as a result of your personal adoption of its beliefs, values or lifestyles, or of Lebal Drocer Incorporated (LLC) itself. Additionally, Lebal Drocer denies all responsibility for its child companies and/or anything else that any court of law can prove it does or facilitates. Additionally, we can not be held responsible for the views expressed by our writers because we have nothing to do with the publishing of this site. Keywords such as responsibility, integrity, subpoena, and accountability will not be found associated with The Elf Wax Times on Google. So please, refrain from laying any of that shit on us.
That being said, Doctor Langstrom T. Mann has issued a health warning for all cookie-dough products on store shelves during the week of August 28th, citing labwork that indicates the tainted cookie-dough carries a rare “laughing bug.” The laughing bug, experts say, is a condition in which the person affected laughs uncontrollably at stuff that isn’t even really all that funny – like new episodes of The Simpsons.
Leading health experts are suggesting the only way America is going to make it through this season of The Simpsons is to buy up as many packets of tainted cookie dough possible.
Additionally, the following people are to blame for hurricane Katrina:
Ever since Roger & Me hit the film festival circuit in 1989, Michael Moore has established himself to be a distinctive documentary filmmaker. With the release and wide popularity of his 2002 documentary, Bowling for Columbine, Moore gained attention from a wider audience whom perhaps weren’t as familiar with his work; however, his omissions and questionable techniques began to be somewhat evident. Then, along came Fahrenheit 9/11, a 2004 documentary following the events of the September 11th attacks and the response from the Bush administration, misleading us into occupation in Iraq. Easily Moore’s most successful and controversial film, Fahrenheit 9/11 is guilty of both covering up omitting information with film methods and crafting its own political agenda with a slanted style, a well-known characteristic of Moore. Indeed, Fahrenheit 9/11, through Michael Moore’s selected film techniques and biased and populist rhetoric, creates and argues its own political agenda, stating that Bush manipulated the events of 9/11/2001 to create unwarranted war in Iraq. Though, ironically, Moore is accountable of the same reductionism proposed. Throughout the film, it is obvious that Michael Moore was extremely careful with the shots and editing he used in order to mask his omitted facts and sway viewers into believing everything he says is true. One of the film’s first examples is the coverage, or lack thereof, of the 9/11 attacks at the World Trade Center. Moore decided to exclude video footage and instead solely use carefully selected audio of the explosions and people crying and yelling for help, all against a blank screen. By removing the video, Moore is cueing the viewer’s personal visual memories of the events, adding much more emotion. In addition, if he would’ve shown the attacks, the emotions would be those of anger and retaliation, not those of sorrow and sympathy. Right after this scene, the video fades back in; showing the looks of shock and horror on bystanders’ faces as debris rains down from the sky, all juxtaposed with sounds of violins much like a sad part in a narrative film. These early shots and sounds prompt the emotions of sorrow from the viewer and get them involved from the start. Secondly, another example of Moore using his film experience to his advantage is in the scene where President Bush is reading a book to elementary school students as the second plane crashed into the World Trade Center. Instead of immediately reacting after being told “America is under attack,” Bush kept his cool for seven minutes before getting up and heading for safety. However, Moore stretches these seven minutes out to feel like a lifetime by showing Bush calmly sitting and pondering his next move along with the time at the bottom of the screen to remind the viewer that minutes are passing by. Usually, in any emergency where the president’s security is threatened, the secret service takes control and decides the president’s next move. Moore does not mention this though and instead makes Bush seem as if he doesn’t care and/or doesn’t have a clue what to do next when the nation was under attack. Finally, one last example of Moore’s use of manipulative editing occurs during the scene where President Bush is shown announcing his plan to bomb Iraq in “shock and awe” fashion. Moore mentions that his film crew went to Iraq the day before the bombings and documented Iraqi life. What is shown onscreen is children running around, frolicking around a Ferris wheel carelessly, all while Saddam Hussein’s evil regime was still in power. The next images we see are bombs exploding over Baghdad and the destruction and sorrow caused by the “shock and awe” campaign. One can’t help but to think of the similarities between the aftermaths of these bombings and the attacks of September 11th as we again see people crying for help after chaos has erupted. What Moore has done here though is depicted Saddam’s Iraq as a peaceful, happy place where kids play freely and happily, when in reality this was far from the truth. Moore’s film crew obviously went to one of the more peaceful places in Iraq and got incredibly lucky with the footage. When this happy footage is shown right before the explosions of the bombs and their aftermath, it makes the Bush Administration seem heartless and only looking invade countries that they can gain from. Although this example is much more blatant than others, it still proves the point that Michael Moore’s selected film techniques are used in such a way to covertly sway the viewer’s opinion without seeming overly direct. Not only is Moore an expert at manipulating film techniques, he also has a way with rhetoric, choosing almost always to go along with populist opinion and never offering opposing viewpoints. Throughout Moore’s films, he has always picked one person to buffoon through his use of archive footage and film manipulation. In Roger & Me, his target was Roger Smith, CEO of General motors, while in Bowling for Columbine, his target was the National Rifle Association and its president at the time, Charlton Heston. With Fahrenheit 9/11, Moore was sitting on a goldmine by picking George W. Bush, who is no stranger to bumbled speeches and misquotes. Basically, all Moore had to do was get his hands on archive footage making Bush look foolish and juxtapose them right where his points were being made. In the summer of 2004, a majority of the U.S. was already questioning Bush’s misuse of power. Before the film was even released, there was mass controversy regarding the issues discussed in the film. Even the title itself, which derives from Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, caused some controversy with Bradbury asking Moore to change the film’s title (Fahrenheit 9/11 controversy). These controversies had an adverse effect, creating publicity and causing it to open up at the box office with 23.9 million. With most viewers knowing the context of the film before entering the theatre, Moore was basically preaching to a choir. Another known characteristic of Moore’s films is that he always finds a way to get his hometown, Flint, Michigan, involved. In Fahrenheit 9/11, he does so by encountering a mother who lost her son in the conflict in Iraq. It is at this point in the film where Moore tones down his usual blaring music along with visuals and shifts the focus solely on the woman’s struggles dealing with the loss of a son. If viewers weren’t already emotionally tuned in to Moore’s rhetoric, now they have a first-hand look at the personal side of war. It is interesting to note that in this scene, Moore makes it seem as if the mother, Lila Lipscomb, had made a complete change in her opinions of the war. In the beginning, Lipscomb states that she loves America and supports the president every step of the way; however, her opinion seems to take a 180-degree turn when she goes to the White House. Dr. Kelton Rhoads, an expert in psychology, did a bit of research of his own and uncovered that Lipscomb had voted for Al Gore in the 2000 election and claimed that Bush had stole the election (Rhoads). Lastly, as much as Moore suggests that Bush duped a nation into agreeing with his unprovoked invasion of Iraq, Moore himself is just as guilty of the same reductionism by duping his viewers with film manipulation and populist opinion. Moore portrays Bush throughout the movie as being a manipulative leader even with the first shots of him preparing himself before addressing the nation. However, Moore is a true master of manipulation and hides it well by using ambiguous film techniques instead of straightforward facts to push his opinions on people seamlessly. To conclude, Fahrenheit 9/11 was a successful documentary that’s triumph over viewers was mainly due to Michael Moore’s skilled film techniques and populist rhetoric that its audience would hardly question with a first viewing. However, when examined closely, the film is guilty of using these skills to its advantage and duping all of those who watch and believe everything stated is true. In conclusion, through its selected film techniques and populist rhetoric, Fahrenheit 9/11 is a success in terms of creating and arguing its own political agenda. Though, one must argue the overall success of the film when George W. Bush was reelected and still in office.