Police with Stun Batons Calm 3,000 Selfish Nike Workers Seeking “Fair Pay”

Underpaid Labor - Just Do ItPHNOM PENH, Cambodia – At least 23 slave laborers were disciplined with cattle prods Monday when Cambodian police were called in to end a pay protest at a Nike sweatshop.

Police with riot gear were deployed to move about 3,000 female workers who had blocked a road leading to the factory.

Nike, along with corporations such as H&M, Walmart and Forever 21, have been criticized for moving plant locations when the cost of local exploitation became too high for shrewd and careful shareholders.

Plants might leave a country because its weak government cannot withstand the social pressures of a nationwide call for minimum wage hikes. When a worker stands to make $88 per month making thousands of pairs of $100 Nikes per day, and the government is no longer able to accept bribes from the corporations to halt social progress, the factories move out.

Look, I know you news writers wanna help, but these people aren’t like you and me. They’re used to being treated like shit.

“These dumbass slaves who think they can squeeze more than they deserve out of their corporate masters are gonna be sorry once they finally run ’em out of here,” said Raleigh Saker, Lebal Drocer spokesperson. “Who’s gonna feed ya gruel then?  Fuckin’ savages.” Saker admitted he questions why his company chose Cambodia in the first place: “Look, they don’t even wear shoes. You think they know anything about sewing them?”

Eighty-eight dollars, Saker said, is “absurdly high” for people living in corrugated sheet metal housing with dirt floors.

“It’s lavish,” he said. “They won’t know what to do with all that money. They might could even hurt themselves. It’s for their own good, really.”

In other news, a ceiling collapsed on several Cambodian workers this month, killing two of them like rats crushed by a rotting ship cabin floor. They were putting together a high-quality pair of Asics running shoes. Asics allow you to run fast, trampling human rights with ease.

Authorities declined to comment on the clash, saying they were still counting bribe money. A press release stated the stack of money was “so large” they were considering hiring sweatshop labor to help count the currency, which “just kept coming in.”

Hall of Wax Replica of Andrew Breitbart Opens

AN IMPRESSIVE WAX REPLICA OF ANDREW BREITBART SHINES GLORY UPON THOSE WHO MUST LIVE OUT THE INESCAPABLE DAMNATION OF HIS ABSENCE.
AN IMPRESSIVE WAX REPLICA OF ANDREW BREITBART SHINES GLORY UPON THOSE WHO MUST LIVE OUT THE INESCAPABLE DAMNATION OF HIS ABSENCE.

SOVCHRON – A hall where stands a wax replica of anti-Chronicle free love enthusiast Andrew Breitbart was opened at the International Commune of the Armed Worker’s Revolutionary Party of chronicle.su.

Standing in the hall is a wax replica depicting Occupy Wall Street protesters raping people and picking the banjo as their comrades lay dying. The rioters are depicted wearing clothes and gas masks to cover their shameful faces as they copulate atop piles of rubble, cursing Inglip’s name against the background of Mt. Bombrain. Anti-leader Andrew Breitbart towers over them, casting a furtive shadow over the reproachable scene that which so terribly soaked his heart in grief, it soon thereafter stopped beating.

The gifts he received from personages and people of various countries are on display there – silver White House plates issued during the Bush Senior administration, and piles of unspent currency.

An opening ceremony took place Monday.

Present there were Adrian Chen and Transhumanist Alistair Robin Rowntree, members of the Political Bureau and secretaries of the Central Committee of the Armed Worker’s Party of chronicle.su, and others.

Present there on invitation were staff members of the Iraqi embassy here and the chief of the hall of wax replicas of great persons in Iraq and his party.

Alistair Robin Rowntree expressed deep thanks to personages of the Chinese hall for representing the wax replica of Andrew Breitbart.

He said the noble life of Andrew Breitbart was the most brilliant one of an outstanding primal revolutionary.

Zhang Molei, chief of the hall, in his speech bitterly grieved over the demise of leader Frank Mason, saying it was their wish to successfully represent the wax replica of Andrew Breitbart so they could please leader Frank Mason.

Expressing the will to do more things to contribute to the building of thriving socialist economy in the AWRP, he expressed belief that the chronicle.su would overcome difficulties and win great victory under the leadership of the dear respected Raghubir Goyal.

The participants paid tribute to Andrew Breitbart and looked round the gifts on display.

NYPD Officer Signs Lucrative Pepper Spray Endorsement Contract

Anthony Bologna
Anthony Bologna protects freedom from socialists.

New York–NYPD officer Anthony Bologna, seen here macing individuals, has reportedly picked up major sponsorship from industry leading pepper spray manufacturer Lebal Drocer, Incorporated.

Some condemn the action as grievous, saying Lebal Drocer’s sponsorship of state terrorism is a predictable move toward a police culture that is protective of the rich and oppresses an American majority. However some hail the endorsement as a bold move into uncharted new marketable territories. It is a market Wall Street analysts said went untapped “for good reasons,” but has since shown promise of fresh capital brokers can’t wait to sink their teeth into.

Lebal Drocer spokesman Raleigh Sakers said Bologna has been on their radar since 2004 when he arrested anti-war protesters and made them sit in pee. Sakers said Bologna’s mistreatment of “faggy leftists” sat well with him but until recently was unsure of the officer’s ability to violate a larger number of civil rights in a shorter period of time using their product.

“We’re glad he’s willing to mace groups of people without hesitation or discrimination as to what they may or may not be doing at any given moment,” Sakers told reporters.

Since picking up a lucrative sponsorship deal from Lebal Drocer, Officer Bologna now has quotas to meet, which he said is difficult as competitors scramble for his endorsement of other crowd control related paraphernalia such as riot shields, stun guns, police tasers and rape sticks.

To meet the daily objectives Lebal Drocer has set out for him, Bologna routinely employs the help of fellow officers by asking them to encircle peaceful protesters with orange netting, wherein he is able to mace upwards of dozens at a time in one effortless sweep of the arm.

Hardest of all, said Bologna, is all the work yet to be done. With social upheaval on his doorstep, and protesters rattling the very foundations of the old American Corporatocracy, Bologna said he is but one man, among so many.

“I’d mace them all, if only I could,” he said.

The United States Government Is Completely Irrelevant

The American Revolution is Inevitable

Historically, America has been a model for Democracy and the Western way of life. But we’ve lost our national identity to enablers who gave corporations carte blanche at the Bank of American Dreams. That’s okay. It happens. That’s the end result of Capitalism. They got all our money. They’re not going to give it back. That is a fact we have to accept which can’t be changed.

Further deterioration of our standard of living can be prevented, however, but it’s going to take “something bigger” than simply electing a new guy in 2012.

To avoid total collapse of the American nation, Americans need to overthrow their government, which is now extensively corrupt, harmful and irrelevant.

Capitalism is fine, but the United States Government is not. It must come down.

The American Dream should not belong only to the elite, but high-ranking government officials created the conditions allowing corporate entities to absorb so much money, there is not enough left to run a business, much less turn a profit. Starting a small business is virtually impossible. Even as the Federal Reserve prints more money it can’t substantiate, that new cash finds its way not into the federal budget, not into your paychecks, not in the form of an economic stimulus package, but into the vacuum of corporate will, forcing inflation.

America is in the exact same place as Egypt before Egypt’s revolution and will ultimately be forced to follow their model, military-based interim government and all.

The media is not going to do it for you. There will be no reality TV show called “Protesters,” where the stars conspire to revolt all the while taking your emotional housewives on a spiritual journey into their own ugly centers. The TV news won’t even acknowledge a revolution until it’s right outside their doors, and God only knows the spin they’re going to put on it for you middle-aged couch-dwellers out there.

So you are on your own with your decision to stay put or to act. But you can rest assured, that regardless of your choice, you will not be alone; and should you choose to act on the purest of impulses – to see justice brought to our corrupt leaders – you will be joined not by tens of thousands, but a half-million or more good, Democracy-loving Americans just like yourselves.

Using the Egyptian model, change is within reach. The American military is comprised of our brothers, sisters, children, friends and parents who wish to see the best for America, not corrupt politicians; and like Egypt, will continue to protect the country, even if a murderous career liar happens to hold office.

The only reason Egypt hasn’t yet fully come around is because they’re still trying to draft a Constitution. Americans love their Constitution, inasmuch as the Federal Government allows us to use it.

Therefore, every 10,000 protesters on the streets will be matched by 100,000 who, from their PCs and recliners, may wish the revolutionaries well, and pray silently to God activism doesn’t shut down the Internet.

If American leadership refuses to use the tools voted into their hands, then there is no other solution than to empty every seat in the House, Congress and Senate, and clear out the White House – and also their bank accounts – where at least a portion of your money sits, awaiting reclamation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness- That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed – That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of those ends, it is Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.

-Declaration of Independence (more abused than my semi-colons)