The Elf Wax Times Boasts Monumental Success

The Elf Wax TimesWASHINGTON, DC, UTAH–The Elf Wax Times announced today its 1,000th reader in just one week. Executive Editor, Steve Grabowski, said The Elf Wax Times has been spammed with Google Image results almost exclusively under the keywords ‘Miley Cyrus sexting.’ An army of 4chan porn addicts, unable to get off to anything that isn’t a sext message, have been in search of “moar” Miley Cyrus “n00dz” and have found Miley’s infamous sexting image located within our scathing commentary on sexting among America’s youth.

“The Elf Wax Times spiked 500 hits last night alone due to a mix-up around nude photographs Miley sexted out to Nick Jonas,” Grabowski said.

Nick Jonas is reported to sport a so-called “purity cockring” in an image he sexted in response to Miley’s now infamous, but typical, “tease” sext. According to an employee at Verizon’s sext message monitoring headquarters, the rumors are true, but Miley Cyrus sends out these kinds of texts all the time to her family members. “Especially the father.”

“Glory holes in Roanoke, VA” is also turning up “mad results” according to a recent Google Analytics poll, and more users find themselves reading the Times than ever before, when they meant to find elven pornography or how-to guides for waxing a pussy. “People and their cats,” commented Grabowski, with a shake of the head.

It’s a well-known fact that if God intended for cats to be naked and pink, he would have birthed them that way, or burned a few with solar flares. But God works in mysterious ways, sometimes neglecting facts altogether, as one Elf Wax Times reader found out the hard way.

“I was searching for Jesus,” he said with a pause, and trailed off, unable to finish the sentence.

Miley Cyrus Sexts The World
The sext heard 'round the world

But even inadvertent Elf Wax Timers are converting to full-time readers, according to some contrived interpretation of a combination of anecdotal results. For instance, one reader who searched “whore lithium weed” happened to dig 11 pages deep into the Times. Looks like somebody found what they came for!

The entire Elf Wax staff could not be reached immediately, and the office voicemail redirected to a vacation response from Easter which connected reporters to a full mailbox in which no message could be left or returned.

Elf Wax staff writer Cold Hard Truth was not immediately available for comment, but wrote an email to the editor saying, “I once had a job installing cable for the cable company. One time I had to go in ‘their kid’s room.’ There was this big nine-foot retard standing behind me in the corner, the whole time, breathing real hard and real loud – and just staring at me, watching my every move. Just staring, and breathing, stopping only once to piss himself and scream. I imagine having a big nine-foot-retard with jaundice could come in handy at times. But not when you need cable installed. That freaked me out. Do you think hermaphrodites, like true hermaphrodites, could get themselves pregnant? And like, clone themselves?”

His email response went on like this for another two pages attached to a .avi file of Japanese piss bukkake, and was completely irrelevant to the questions reporters asked.

All attempts to reach Wayne were futile, as a Spanish-speaking woman answered his publicly-listed phone number demanding cocaine in exchange for a beheading she’d performed just moments earlier. An ape was heard howling in the background, believed by sources to be owned by Wayne himself, or traded on the black market, again, for drugs or possibly even “sexual favors” according to the woman when asked about the noise. “He do lots of thing.”

Steve Grabowski said the Elf Wax Times is growing at up to 100 percent on good days, and as low as “90 percent on a slow day.”

“Mostly,” he added, “People just plain don’t know how to search for porn, and they wind up here. But we gladly welcome you. Sick, twisted fucking perverts are the backbone of The Elf Wax Times.”

And so are you. Thanks, dear readers. Keep refreshing the Elf Wax Times for the latest news on things that happened a few days ago. Also, be the first to get to Elf Wax Times by Googling ‘marijuana’ and win a free trip to an  F.B.I. holding facility!

The Elf Wax Times has no relation to the ELF, an eco-terror group which has claimed responsibility for several recent terror attacks. We hate the environment.

Failing failures and the failure that fails them

This article’s about you, and what a miserable piece of shit you are. You know what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the fact that you wake up every day and look at yourself, thinking, “This is it? This is who I am? I’m such a failure,” and then spend the rest of the day trying to live this fact down.

But the truth of the matter is, it ain’t going away – until you fucking die.

You worthless coward! You fiend! You…voter! You…TV-news-absorbant panty gusset! You sour pussy, you, who stands for nothing. Who lives to consume, fails to create, you who can not love, nor be loved. You fucking baby-boomer 60s-generation do-nothing hippies account in large part for what’s wrong with today’s society. Fuck the Man, right? By doing what exactly?

I’m sorry for your children, and for the state of modern politics, and for the Corporate States of America, and for the Police State, and for the little rabbits and the squirrels, and that rare breed of tundra cat that is almost extinct – but mostly – I’m just sorry I was born into the backed-up sewer that you call “the economy.” This shit that we circulate around calling money is to the economy what I jerk off and stain the sheets with is to my journalism professor. Worthless when it came, mostly problematic if I were to even attempt to do something with it, god damn if I don’t just want to forget about it.

Fuck this “human condition” (more like decondition) – fuck the status quo – fuck your family (stop having kids until we can straighten shit out PLEASE FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF THE VIRGIN MARY’S DECENCY) – fuck your plans, because you won’t have the means to complete them – fuck it all. Things are so fucked up now that the economy can’t actually balance itself out anymore without jettisoning NASA. We aren’t Communists – we can’t just redistribute our wealth and reset everything to “ideal.” It doesn’t work that way (it would be very unfair to take away all that these 24-year-old CEOs have WORKED SO HARD for just so the rest of the population can have a decent shot at [par] quality of life). You see, it’s settling down right now, but the over-inflationary dynamic of our financial schematic, combined with the elite top .01% of the population experiencing a 600% increase in income is creating another bubble that will balloon up and pop in another five or ten years. And it’s not gonna fix itself.

So that’s it. Make a five-year-plan; but you’d better build it around unfucking yourself after ten years.

Or start bombing federal buildings.