Igor Ivanov takes first place in Russian roulette semifinals, one dead

Siberian Open 2014
Siberian Open 2014
The most destitute sport on Earth

SIBERIA– Igor Ivanov took first place after his only surviving opponent took his own life during the hotly anticipated Siberian Open Russian Roulette Tourney ’14. The to-be annual championship is held at the prestigious abandoned number station south of Kayerkan Кайеркан.

Event coordinators came up with the idea when desperate athletes, eager for drink and a little potato money, clamored for the opportunity to flirt with suicide in exchange for airplane fuel, which the men drink and use to get drunk and high, or “crunk” as it is understood in the Decadent West. The rise of the sport coincides with the hopeless fall of the Russian ruble, as Putin promises to track down and execute speculators.

“Man lay gun at table before me,” Ivanov, 46, recounted. “He spin revolver, put gun in mouth, squeeze eyes shut tight, squeeze trigger. I win!”

The body of 28-year-old Vsevolod Alliluyev was unceremoniously deposited into a tiger’s cage, where no one stayed to watch the thin, starving animal consume his remains.

Alliluyev, an out-of-work fisherman from Irkutsk, was no man’s friend, according to Yannick Jacobs, who organized the suicidal bloodbath.

“He drifted in from somewhere, I don’t know,” Jacobs said. “He smelled like urine but he had a few rubles – which, as you know, are just about worthless right now – so I told him as long as he used his own bullets, he could play.”

Jacobs said it just so happened Alliluyev carried his own small supply of .44 magnum bullets, should such an opportunity arise.

“They were his fortune,” Jacobs said. “He was worth more in bullets than anything else, because life is cheap in Russia. We are animals huddled against our own dead, trying to keep warm.”

Ivanov said he is happy to receive his meager winnings: a ration of airplane fuel and Alliluyev’s remaining bullets.

“I will live to see another horrifying day at the hands of this Russian mafia,” he said. “Today is good day in Russia. Praise Putin! May he reign eternally!”

Ivanov will move on to the finals Sunday where he alone will play before a crowd of at least two dozen people, using a fully loaded revolver. If he wins the next round, he will ascend to the rank of regional god-king, and take his throne next to Soviet Tsar Vladimir Putin.

“All god-kings are made this way,” Jacobs said.

Viewers using DSL internet (or faster), can click the play button below to hear the official announcement declaring Ivanov the winner.

siberian-open-large

George Bush To Retake US Presidency

Future President George Bush a-huntin' them Reds
Future President George Bush a-huntin’ them Reds

A great leader once asked, “How’s that hopey, changey stuff workin’ out for ya?”

America found her answer. Former President George W. Bush announced a plan Monday to “take America back,” starting with a campaign to reignite nationalism in the American people.

“We’re gonna, you know, we’re gonna take America back,” Bush said, with a gleam in his eye, “We’ll return this great nation to its former glory.”

Bush said America needs a new image of strength and prosperity – a picture of change it can believe in. Village elders close to the president have said Bush began his “spirit campaign” two years ago, starting with impressionist paintings.

George Bush's shower painting
This artwork demonstrated that Bush is still a human being.

“I’ve talked with village elders. I’ve spoken to the proletariat. America’s sat by too long watching a womanly president fuck things up beyond recognition,” Bush said. “I think it’s time we took this country in the right direction. Don’t believe me? Look at this way: Are we better off now than we were in 2008?”

New photos surfaced of a strong, bear-like President Bush dressed for hunting, knowing it will inspire Americans to take up arms against the Red menace in the Ukraine.

A protest scheduled May 16 will give Americans their chance to register grievances in Washington, D.C. and call for the overthrow of the Obama regime. Demonstrators said they will call for the reinstatement of a further-right Bush doctrine “that would make the Tea Party look like a six-year-old’s imaginary affair.”

President Bush is expected to take office before the 2016 presidential election if necessary, but insiders caution that he could better secure “legitimacy” by waiting for a “vote” next year.

Elf Wax columnist killed during protest rally

Goodnight, sweet prince.
Goodnight, sweet prince.

Miami, Fl.–Elf Wax staff columnist and celebrated Communist Kirill Milosevic was fatally gunned down in a battle with police outside a Miami jail on Friday. Having no middle name after it was stolen in Leningrad, Milosevic was said by reporters to have been protesting America’s increasingly anti-nuclear warfare stance.

“More nukes would kill more people,” Milosevic once quipped during a White House press conference, “and not one American would have to die.” Indeed, Milosevic’s views on nuclear disarmament were controversial, but influenced, no doubt, by the automatic-tactical-nightmare-scenario conditioning of Civilization II – Multiplayer Gold Edition. “Fuck the Republic,” Milosevic once screamed during a game, crashing his heavy, alcoholic fists into the keyboard. “THERE WILL BE – REVOLUTION!”

“He will be remembered far and wide. His face, eternally scorched into the backs of our eyes. His memory, effervescent like the taste of raw iodine under nuclear winter. His words, permanent.”

– Fearless President and World Emporer Barack Hussein Obama

Milosevic agreed that we have too many nuclear weapons and he once believed that the solution to the problem of nuclear backstock was to fire “any number” of warheads indiscriminately toward any nation, even non-threatening government bodies, “like Switzerland, to set an example of respect among despicable, isolationist cowards.”

“He was right,” said Robert Hussein Obama, the blackest man to ever be elected as President of the United States of America. “If I had nuked Iran during my first day in office, we wouldn’t be dealing with their concealed nuclear reactor today. Milosevic, like Brokaw, was a good man who lived for the truth and died for less, and he will be missed long after the wake of his death settles on the entire journalistic community. He will be remembered far and wide. His face, eternally scorched into the backs of our eyes. His memory effervescent, like the taste of raw iodine under nuclear winter. His words, permanent.”

“Enough radiation,” said Elf Wax resident Doctor Langstrom T. Armstrong, “would send the message loud and clear that they don’t want Nukes.” Armstrong added later that saturating the human body in radiation and forcing upon it a death sentence “gets results.”

Which is why many experts allow that Milosevic’s opinions on nuclear weapons were not so far off-base, some going so far as to say nuclear weapons make people feel more secure, and give them self esteem and even the courage to forgo suicide temporarily, especially when consumers take into consideration that a booming nuclear warhead industry means freshly-available after school jobs for the industrious teen who wishes to help Mom and Dad out with the bills.

Milosevic knew, before any US President, that nuclear warheads, unlike stimulus bills, stimulate the economy, endowing it with a throbbing, radioactive erection relieved only by explosions, above-ground detonations, or long-range ejaculatory trajectories into the tits of Siberia.

“Not to mention,” added Langstrom, “Increased exposure to radiation leads to rapid terminal illnesses, producing high turnover rates at the job place.” Truly, it is the “perfect job” for the 16-18 crowd just looking for some quick spending money for a date at the movies or a Saturday night chemo bath.

But no matter how hotly debated Kirill Milosevic’s values became, there was no arguing with the fourteen pellets of 12-gauge spray to the face Friday night, to which Milosevic had no retort, and so he died clinging, with dedication, to the Stalinist values of Western Society. “Such paradoxes were issues Milosevic loved to muse upon,” said his wife, sister, and mother of their three devolving inbred spawn.

Legendary Elf Wax Correspondent K. Milosevic
Legendary Elf Wax Campaign Journalist Covering the 2008 Elections

In one article, he dissected the Socialist agenda of Hussein Boma and contributed to a popular Elf Wax article written on the campaign trail titled “Socialism, and why I’m forcing it on you.” It was never published, due to fair, legitimate First Amendment restrictions imposed by the Police Sector of Lebal Drocer, Incorporated. Once again, truth was upheld.

Milosevic’s age was largely unknown for all his life because he was born in a field, under a new moon and then instantly separated from his mother by trusted Lebal Drocer affiliates out of fears that he may adopt her womanly traits, and fail to report the news objectively. He was subsequently raised by gun-toting military officials and MPs, and forced to sit in on political executions for entertainment.

Milosevic reigns supreme! Putin forever! Down with the tyrant! Barrac “Hussein” Obomma!

Rest in peace, comrade. Because the truth never will.

An Eastern Approach to the Problems of Western Protest


Tbilisi, Georgia–Georgian police beat down and arrested opposition activists in the nation’s capital today. Several journalists were among those arrested.For two months, the opposition has been campaigning to force out President Mikhail Saakashvili. An AP photographer witnessed masked officers beating demonstrators who gathered near the police headquarters. Several were severely beaten into submission along with several TV journalists and camera crews whose tapes and video cameras were confiscated.

In all, 39 protesters were rounded up, according to Deputy Interior Minister Eka Zguladze, who said they had resisted police when they tried to arrest them for blocking a public street.

She apologized to journalists who were beaten and robbed, saying it was “our mistake.”

Existing on a key energy route, Georgia is the iconic front line in the growing tensions between Russia and the West.